I'm relapsing....

[Nikki Sahagin]

A couple of nights ago I had a dream. In this dream, all these memories of me and my ex came flooding back to me. It was so bizare; I could smell my ex, I could feel the texture of his skin and his warmth, some of the more magical and romantic times we had came flooding back to me almost as if they'd just happened, one in particular of the way we used to hug - it just felt so real. I woke up feeling so emotional, because the dream was so realistic I was sent back to the past for a minute. Ever since that dream i've had a feeling I can't shake in my stomach and in my heart. I thought I was doing so well and moving forward but the dream came from nowhere and put me back. I'm trying to keep moving, keep positive, remember its only a dream, but it brought back memories. It tells me as well that he's still deep in my unconscious if i'm dreaming of him. I know its JUST a dream but now i'm thinking of him again, missing the old him and worrying I wont find someone else I feel that way for.

[GrayClouds]

A couple of nights ago I had a dream. In this dream, all these memories of me and my ex came flooding back to me. It was so bizare; I could smell my ex, I could feel the texture of his skin and his warmth, some of the more magical and romantic times we had came flooding back to me almost as if they'd just happened, one in particular of the way we used to hug - it just felt so real. I woke up feeling so emotional, because the dream was so realistic I was sent back to the past for a minute. Ever since that dream i've had a feeling I can't shake in my stomach and in my heart. I thought I was doing so well and moving forward but the dream came from nowhere and put me back. I'm trying to keep moving, keep positive, remember its only a dream, but it brought back memories. It tells me as well that he's still deep in my unconscious if i'm dreaming of him. I know its JUST a dream but now i'm thinking of him again, missing the old him and worrying I wont find someone else I feel that way for.

Or it is the subconscious working to find a way to let him go. It is you head helping your heart to work through the loss. Yes it is not easy but this is a good thing, you processing it some more. Do not let this get down, it telling you that you are moving on.

 

So what about the other thing you are working on, any progress there with the mood?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Or it is the subconscious working to find a way to let him go. It is you head helping your heart to work through the loss. Yes it is not easy but this is a good thing, you processing it some more. Do not let this get down, it telling you that you are moving on.

 

So what about the other thing you are working on, any progress there with the mood?

 

Hi grayclouds you are a very faithful friend on here I suppose if I could explain this break-up with my ex, I would say it never happened in one clean cut motion; it has dragged out for so long with me needing answers, him needing answers, him being 'confused', me being bewildered etc. I have never been subjected to so much game playing and miscommunication in my life and I think that has really unsettled my trust. I see a lot of things now as games or power-plays because thats how it was with my ex. It worries me I see things that way, but I almost had to adjust to that setting because that was the way our break-up was; never face to face, never clear, never resolved, never honest. And I think after mine and my exes 'final' (???) confrontation (again over technology) I have been forced to let go YET again. Its like it keeps hitting me, boom, boom boom. He offers friendship, then suddenly he retracts it because of these rumours he has heard. So constantly I have to shift whether I think we could have one day been friends or whether we will never speak again, and its become exhausting, confusion, difficult.

 

I wanted so much to end things peacefully with him so that in my idealistic hopes in the future we could have been friends or at least been kind to each other. Now its just in pieces and I keep feeling there must be something I can do to fix it even though he's the one that made the mess. Sitting down with my hands tied is driving me insane. Sorry to write all this to you - I realise i'm shoving it all on your shoulders!

 

'The other thing' - well, I don't know i'm doing as much as I could. I'm doing affirmations daily and trying to force myself into things even if i'm depressed/anxious. I'm taking herbal supplements for mood. As for therapy, I need to save up some money first as I haven't worked this summer and my loan is very low. I am very nervous about therapy though. I've been before and it did help but I had trouble a lot opening up and I find myself just being led with the therapists conclusions because I don't want to admit whats truly going on inside or that i'm not coping.

[bonpaw2008]

A couple of nights ago I had a dream. In this dream, all these memories of me and my ex came flooding back to me. It was so bizare; I could smell my ex, I could feel the texture of his skin and his warmth, some of the more magical and romantic times we had came flooding back to me almost as if they'd just happened, one in particular of the way we used to hug - it just felt so real. I woke up feeling so emotional, because the dream was so realistic I was sent back to the past for a minute. Ever since that dream i've had a feeling I can't shake in my stomach and in my heart. I thought I was doing so well and moving forward but the dream came from nowhere and put me back. I'm trying to keep moving, keep positive, remember its only a dream, but it brought back memories. It tells me as well that he's still deep in my unconscious if i'm dreaming of him. I know its JUST a dream but now i'm thinking of him again, missing the old him and worrying I wont find someone else I feel that way for.

 

 

Distract and take control of your conscious mind, every time he pops in my head I say to myself "I am in control of me, I control what I think" over and over until he is gone....it's been working. I hate how cruel the mind is, even when your heart is healing your mind can bring all of those feelings and hurt back in a split second....

 

You still have this girl, you will be fine, just get yourself and your mind busy on something else...

[Nikki Sahagin]

Or it is the subconscious working to find a way to let him go. It is you head helping your heart to work through the loss. Yes it is not easy but this is a good thing, you processing it some more. Do not let this get down, it telling you that you are moving on.

 

So what about the other thing you are working on, any progress there with the mood?

 

Hi grayclouds you are a very faithful friend on here I suppose if I could explain this break-up with my ex, I would say it never happened in one clean cut motion; it has dragged out for so long with me needing answers, him needing answers, him being 'confused', me being bewildered etc. I have never been subjected to so much game playing and miscommunication in my life and I think that has really unsettled my trust. I see a lot of things now as games or power-plays because thats how it was with my ex. It worries me I see things that way, but I almost had to adjust to that setting because that was the way our break-up was; never face to face, never clear, never resolved, never honest. And I think after mine and my exes 'final' (???) confrontation (again over technology) I have been forced to let go YET again. Its like it keeps hitting me, boom, boom boom. He offers friendship, then suddenly he retracts it because of these rumours he has heard. So constantly I have to shift whether I think we could have one day been friends or whether we will never speak again, and its become exhausting, confusion, difficult.

 

I wanted so much to end things peacefully with him so that in my idealistic hopes in the future we could have been friends or at least been kind to each other. Now its just in pieces and I keep feeling there must be something I can do to fix it even though he's the one that made the mess. Sitting down with my hands tied is driving me insane. Sorry to write all this to you - I realise i'm shoving it all on your shoulders!

 

'The other thing' - well, I don't know i'm doing as much as I could. I'm doing affirmations daily and trying to force myself into things even if i'm depressed/anxious. I'm taking herbal supplements for mood. As for therapy, I need to save up some money first as I haven't worked this summer and my loan is very low. I am very nervous about therapy though. I've been before and it did help but I had trouble a lot opening up and I find myself just being led with the therapists conclusions because I don't want to admit whats truly going on inside or that i'm not coping. I go through phases with depression where I get comfortable in it, almost enjoy being in it, and I avoid and shun any help.

[teanoranges]

Hang on tight and know that this will pass. Maybe you'll even start noticing how short the relapses are and how much time goes by in between each one... until of course, it doesn't happen again.

 

I like grayclouds subconscious theory. It could be reminding you of what parts you are holding on to so that you can intentionally allow yourself to let go of it.

I used to believe, when my heart would get those shots of pain, that it was ridding itself of those memories or feelings and of course its a painful thing.

 

Good luck and you are doing great!

[GrayClouds]

Hi grayclouds you are a very faithful friend on here I suppose if I could explain this break-up with my ex, I would say it never happened in one clean cut motion; it has dragged out for so long with me needing answers, him needing answers, him being 'confused', me being bewildered etc. I have never been subjected to so much game playing and miscommunication in my life and I think that has really unsettled my trust. I see a lot of things now as games or power-plays because thats how it was with my ex. It worries me I see things that way, but I almost had to adjust to that setting because that was the way our break-up was; never face to face, never clear, never resolved, never honest. And I think after mine and my exes 'final' (???) confrontation (again over technology) I have been forced to let go YET again. Its like it keeps hitting me, boom, boom boom. He offers friendship, then suddenly he retracts it because of these rumours he has heard. So constantly I have to shift whether I think we could have one day been friends or whether we will never speak again, and its become exhausting, confusion, difficult.

 

I wanted so much to end things peacefully with him so that in my idealistic hopes in the future we could have been friends or at least been kind to each other. Now its just in pieces and I keep feeling there must be something I can do to fix it even though he's the one that made the mess. Sitting down with my hands tied is driving me insane. Sorry to write all this to you - I realise i'm shoving it all on your shoulders!

 

All that is true, and I do remember most of it but it does not negate my earlier post. It just a matter of perspective on how your going to look at it. A lot of this is about the depression, there is a part of you I suspect is subconscience that "fixing this" in the relationship would make you feel better and take care of the depression. That the obsessing over the relationship is really yourself trying to find a way through the depression.

 

'The other thing' - well, I don't know i'm doing as much as I could. I'm doing affirmations daily and trying to force myself into things even if i'm depressed/anxious. I'm taking herbal supplements for mood. As for therapy, I need to save up some money first as I haven't worked this summer and my loan is very low. I am very nervous about therapy though. I've been before and it did help but I had trouble a lot opening up and I find myself just being led with the therapists conclusions because I don't want to admit whats truly going on inside or that i'm not coping. I go through phases with depression where I get comfortable in it, almost enjoy being in it, and I avoid and shun any help.

 

What herbal stuff? Have you given any more thought about some prescription stuff?

 

Be careful not to romanticize the depression. That is BS, it sucks and after a while it may feel like a friend, it is a frenemy at best.

[Nikki Sahagin]

All that is true, and I do remember most of it but it does not negate my earlier post. It just a matter of perspective on how your going to look at it. A lot of this is about the depression, there is a part of you I suspect is subconscience that "fixing this" in the relationship would make you feel better and take care of the depression. That the obsessing over the relationship is really yourself trying to find a way through the depression.

 

 

 

What herbal stuff? Have you given any more thought about some prescription stuff?

 

Be careful not to romanticize the depression. That is BS, it sucks and after a while it may feel like a friend, it is a frenemy at best.

 

I'm really worried about going on prescription stuff, too proud I guess to go to a doctor and say I need help and have to 'prove' that I need it. I guess I do romanticise my depression; I feel safe and secure in it. I'm really feeling sorry for myself right now - uh oh.

[mickleb]

What you seem to be doing a lot of, Nikki, is blaming. Forget about what you perceive to be 'his' responsibility. It's his business. Just take a hold of what you are capable of doing to work through this.

 

Therapy is about relating. That's what you go there to learn about. You need to be brave enough to trust you can do this and survive. Telling people how you feel won't kill you, it will make you stronger. You are able to do that here, so why do you struggle with a therapist?

 

Take what you can (that will help) from your dream, keep moving right along and you will get there.

 

x

[Nikki Sahagin]

What you seem to be doing a lot of, Nikki, is blaming. Forget about what you perceive to be 'his' responsibility. It's his business. Just take a hold of what you are capable of doing to work through this.

 

Therapy is about relating. That's what you go there to learn about. You need to be brave enough to trust you can do this and survive. Telling people how you feel won't kill you, it will make you stronger. You are able to do that here, so why do you struggle with a therapist?

 

Take what you can (that will help) from your dream, keep moving right along and you will get there.

 

x

 

Well I am quite good at writing my feelings out, but not with articulating them...not at all. If I could write out a long message and give that to a therapist that would be great. Sitting there and talking, which I have done before, I find overwhelmingly uncomfortable.

 

I suppose I am blaming, but only because I feel he has put so much blame on me and not taken responsibility for his faults at all. I feel quite attacked by him, so I suppose I am retaliating.

[GrayClouds]

Well I am quite good at writing my feelings out, but not with articulating them...not at all. If I could write out a long message and give that to a therapist that would be great. Sitting there and talking, which I have done before, I find overwhelmingly uncomfortable.

 

I suppose I am blaming, but only because I feel he has put so much blame on me and not taken responsibility for his faults at all. I feel quite attacked by him, so I suppose I am retaliating.

Yes your retaliating but your retaliating on yourself. He put blame on you? H#ll your putting blame on you and punishing yourself for it.

 

How? Instead of doing everything you can, you are rationalizing justifying holding yourself back from doing so. In stead of opening up to your therapist so he actually do some good, you let being uncomfortable keep you from it. Your depressed but really not doing anything about it.

 

Nikki deserve better then what your giving yourself. You do understand you EX should have treated you better, now understand it is time for you to treat yourself better.

 

 

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