Getting well quicker

[bboy]

Tips for: I want to get well - now.

This is normal, isn't it? We all know that before we met this person we were doing better than we are doing now. Why don't we feel that way now?

 

Well, studies show that relationships break up is actually very similar to a depression. What causes the depression is that we often had a picture of a future in our heads that has been deleted.

 

Common to think here is of course that this was done completely without our control and it feels like someone pulled the rug underneath our feet. This is of course not completely true. Partially because this “pull” is caused by something. This something comes not only from her but also you. Whoever did the pulling isn’t really of any importance. What is, is it has been done.

 

The difference here is that you didn’t have the control of doing so. Someone else did it. But essentially the effect is the same.

 

So you’ve got two things that have happened.

1. Control of your life is gone. (True, but can be regained)

2. Future is “gone”. (Not true, but it feels like that)

 

Now when you’re sitting in this horrible hole as it feels like and wonder: “How can I get better?” First thought is to get back and reverse time. We know already this isn’t possible so the only possibility is to look forward and regain control of your life. Probably the most common advice and it sounds so easy to say and hard to do. I personally feel like throwing up when people remind me of this. I’m not an idiot. The problem is not to that I have not figured this out yet. The problem is that it feels overwhelming.

 

First you need to start respect yourself for being human. You’re not superman or a hero. You’re human. This mean you’ve got flaws, feelings, motivation, energy, thoughts as most others. Once you accept this, you can start being realistic and respect the grief you’re in.

 

Being depressed causes passivity. Passivity causes depression. It’s not a theory, it’s a fact. The other side of the coin is that happiness comes from activity. Activity causes happiness. This wasn’t too hard to figure out, right?

 

Getting in control = Activation

We used to be in control and set great goals and achieve them. This isn’t really an option now. Remember to respect the grief you’re in. What used to be something extremely easy has not turned into a huge mountain to climb, so start small.

 

A.) Start getting out of bed when your alarm clock goes off. Even if it means you drag your ass back. Get out of bed, stand up and pretend you’re going to get breakfast. Just open the fridge. Repeat this every morning, even if you go back to bed and even if you don’t eat breakfast. Once you’ve done this, pat yourself on the shoulder and say “Well, I can at least get up with my own will power. I have control.”

B.) You probably have an organizer or a calendar. Set a small goal in it. 15 minute walk in the park. Not a random mood swing walk. It should be set at a specific time. It doesn’t have to be every day. But set it there and once you’ve done that, make sure you fulfill this small task. If you succeed, go buy yourself an ice cream. You’ve just made your first future plan and fulfilled it.

C.) Once you’ve managed to do A and B. Sit down and write down a list of things that used to make you happy. Not some overwhelming list but a short list of things. Keep these things separated. It can be:

· Go to a movie

· Watch a TV-show

· Speak to a friend over the phone

· Water the flowers

· Make your bed

· Go for a nature walk

· Surf the web for new music

 

Now make sure these things are not too complicated. Require too much planning or energy. You’re nowhere nearly in shape of what you used to be. Expecting too much of yourself in these moments will result in failure and you will be back at square one. Remember to respect that you’re human and not 100% of what you used to be. These goals should be really simple.

 

Once you have the list, take two things of it and book it into your calendar. Start with this and things. Once these becomes more or less a routine and you feel you can do this. You can go ahead and try something a bit more advanced. But make sure you keep this list so you can fall back on this.

 

The effects of doing this are that you start controlling your own life with small tasks and small efforts. You will notice, not in the beginning, but after a while that you can actually manage to function as a human again.

 

Mind control

Not a Jedi Warrior? Can’t control your thoughts? Being depressed moves thoughts from realistic to dark. This isn’t a theory – it’s a fact. Doom, death, life alone. Common thoughts for all of us. The power here is to move from dark to realistic.

· Question if you really think it’s realistic to pretend to be 100% of yourself in this moment. The answer is probably no. You feel like 5% of what you used to be.

· Start question first of all if this person was 100% what you wanted. I bet that you can find a few flaws of the lost love, even in the darkest moment.

· Question yourself if that person who left you, is really feeling ok? I KNOW that the other person is having problems too. And one thing is for sure, you should not rely on each other to cope with this. She’s on her own. This is her problem.

· Question if this really is doom? Look at the amount of posts you have on the forums. How many people who have gone through the same situation as you have. Have they all torn down into pieces and their lives have stopped? Nope, you can probably find some posts from members who have spilled their hearts for a few posts and suddenly don’t post any more. They’ve moved on with their lives and so can you.

· Write a list of five skills (no more) that you know that you excel in. Five skills that you know define you as a person. You can maybe be very creative, social, flirtatious, good taste, great knowledge in some sport. These are things that you value about yourself. These are skills that you know made you happy.

 

Getting back in a good mood and feel that you can be a problem solving, creational and effective human isn’t going to happen on day one. But if you start setting these small goals and start being realistic about yourself – you’ll find out that you’re better human than you feel for the moment. This is a positive spiral. A small, step by step spiral.

 

For a person who’s happy, this sounds like the most fundamental and easy things to do. I can tell you that after a break up - being able to pull this off is a true sign of strength. It takes more will power to accomplish this than most can imagine and if you do this, you’re making such great progress.

 

Keep in mind that you will NOT feel like you’re making progress. You need to do this with will power and not try to look for a mental reward right away. The rewards come later on. It takes time for the brain to start realizing that this is something good.

[GrayClouds]

^what he said^

 

Now the GrayCloud's ADHD version :

 

• Go NC
  
• Start to exercise, eat well, spend time with people who care about you, try some new things, stay away from the booze & drugs.
  
• Be kind to yourself allow yourself some bad days to cry, scream and bark at the moon, go through the hurt not around it by talking and writing out your feelings.
  
• Learn what you can from your mistakes in the realtionship and work on ways to keep from repeating them.
  
• Force yourself to think positive and about yourself not the EX until you no longer have to force yourself.
  
• Turn up the music, sing along off key and dance nude in living room when no's one looking.
  

 

 

(I just made up that last one

)

 

 

.

[cookie2]

(I just made up that last one

)

Oh thats a relief, I thought you'd been watching my webcam!!

[GrayClouds]

Oh thats a relief, I thought you'd been watching my webcam!!

 

 

Not at all... by the way I did not like that last song you played... and

 

OMG YOUR A DUDE!!!!! :eek:

Edited August 13, 2010 by GrayClouds

[smk]

Great start to my Friday off morning... Lol...

 

Cookie now now now - I didn't have you and GC pegged as chat roulette people... Lol

[cookie2]

Yes I'm a dude LOL. Maybe I need a better avatar pic! Thought you'd love that last song, Jump Around by House Of Pain!

JUMP JUMP JUMP!!!

[GrayClouds]

Yes I'm a dude LOL. Maybe I need a better avatar pic! Thought you'd love that last song, Jump Around by House Of Pain!

JUMP JUMP JUMP!!!

 

I was having a hard time sleeping... now Im afraid of nightmares

[bonpaw2008]

This was awesome! THANKS BBOY!!!! I am putting it in my signature...

 

GM people, hope everyone is having a purposeful and happy day!!!

[bboy]

This was awesome! THANKS BBOY!!!! I am putting it in my signature...

 

GM people, hope everyone is having a purposeful and happy day!!!

 

Thanx! I hope you're doing progress!

[ishmaiel]

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[HopeLove]

This is great bboy, thank you and thank you bonpaw for showing me this tread.

[Sweet_Tea]

Wow. Thanks BBoy. This is exactly what I needed.

 

It's happened and I have to learn to accept it and do what I need to do to continue to function. I can't let this black vortex of doom suck me in. I can't wait til I start to smile and laugh again. I'm a shadow of my former self and I look forward to rediscovering myself.

[BlueMoonshine]

Thank you so much BBoy.

 

What you wrote was very compelling and very helpful to me.

 

My recent breakup still kills me on days because I work with the girl (so hard to heal - I'm trying to ignore her but finding I'm simply ostracizing myself), but I know I need to know how to move on, otherwise I'll be hurting myself.

 

Thanks for sharing these wonderful thoughts.

[Gdunkman]

Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.

 

Best LS post ever!