PhilR Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 hi. My wife and I have been together for 3.5 years with a 2.5 year old daughter. When I met her I was going out all the time partying and drinking and although over the years have cut this down a lot when I do go out I seem to be even more crazy. I cheated on her on one of the nights and on others have been to strip clubs with colleagues. Always when I was very drunk and so now im so revolted against what I was doing I have stopped drinking completely. It was ruining my life and my marriage. Friends say I become a different person when out and although my wife gave me chances I always thought I could handle it myself. My wife has now moved out into her own house and although says she still loves me and misses me says "this is reality now". I pressure her all the time to come back and to fight for her marriage but the more I pressure the more it turns her away. 2 days ago she came around and invited me back to her place with our daughter and it was nice to talk, slept in seperate beds but I still feel there is something there. Her Dad says she still loves me but is so closed because of everything I did. Does anyone have experience of seperation, is it best to give a lot of distance? Finding this so difficult and it is my fault but when I am not going out and being me I am very caring and do everything for her.
What_Next Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 First, does she know everything that you did? If not; come clean NOW. For now, give her space, STOP the pressure. It needs to stop NOW. If you hear one thing, hear that.
You Go Girl Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Time will tell. This is what your W is thinking. After years of this kind of abuse, she sure isn't going to just run back to you as if she doesn't have a brain in her head. You will have to prove that you have truly changed. The only test of true change is time. You can't pressure her, instead, respect her. Go slow and give her the test of time. Realistically, it will take 6+ months to years. Every person with alcoholic tendencies that tries to quit for somebody else fails. They must find their behavior unacceptable to THEMSELF, not that they regret having done something that makes their behavior unacceptable to others.
carhill Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Does anyone have experience of seperation, is it best to give a lot of distance? Sure, what do you want to know? Separation is a great pathway to divorce. How's AA and your CBT going? Your commitment to changing yourself for better health for *you* is a clear sign to someone you've harmed, whether purposely or not, that you understand the unhealthiness of your psychology and are working to better yourself. Get started next Monday. AA can recommend a good psychologist. Give both six months and see where you are. If you *feel* healthier, request your wife join you in MC and begin to work on the M. If she refuses, accept that and continue *your* path, and see a lawyer/mediator as necessary to end your marriage amicably. Good luck. Welcome to LS
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