I don't think I will ever forgive myself...

[foamy2001]

It's been six months since she left and one month since the divorce has been final and I just keep sinking deeper and deeper in this hole.

 

It sucks so bad to know that I screwed up what I believe to be my one true love.... I have almost completely shut myself off from the world. I have tried to get out of town a couple of times to have some fun, but I just end up getting more and more depressed..... this is never going to end.

[HopelessinDTW]

Foamy: I went back and read your story. You've had it very rough, and I can see why you feel the way you do. You've had so many losses in your life. But, think about the future, and starting your NEW life. Your still young. You have made some mistakes, but you have also done a lot of good. You need to stop blaming yourself for the mistakes you have made...we have all made them. It seems like you're very depressed right now because the reality of the divorce is sinking in. Have you gone to an MD to get anti-depressants? Have you been speaking with a therapist? If not, please consider doing those, because it will definately help. Your going to need time to heal from all the losses you have had.

 

The most important thing to remember is that we all have a purpose in this life. We all have somthing to offer to others, and society. Sometimes we have to get through very tough times to prepare us for the good that comes after...and it will. Please take care of yourself, and realize that your not at fault for all the things that have happened. Sometimes things just happen, and we don't realize why until later. Take note of things yuo are responsible for, and learn from those mistakes.

[What_Next]

Foamy2001, hang in there. It is tough, believe me how I know how tough it is and can be. Have you looked into counciling? If not I suggest that you do. You might also want to consider anti-depressants. They WILL help you.

 

I know how it can feel like she was your "one true" love and all that. However, there are lots of woman out there even if your heart tells you there aren't.

 

Exercise, eat right, sleep properly and your mental condition will improve.

[You Go Girl]

I haven't read about your past, but I don't need to. It doesn't matter what your issues were, because the answer to self-forgivance is the same no matter what the crime.

You have to prove to yourself, through a long period of better behavior, that you are a giving person, and less of a taker.

There are many ways to do this besides a new relationship. Charity work is an excellent example. You give and receive nothing but the good feeling that you are doing something for someone less fortunate.

Do this. You will meet friendly people. Some hard work and sweat, say, on a habitat for humanity house, will make you proud. Anything where you give freely. Tutor kids. If you have money, give some to a charity. If you have a skill, give it away to a worthy cause. And then the little things--helping the old lady open the door. Things you can do everyday, and say, I have done something for the betterment of humankind.

Martyr? No. Giving human who is flawed just as every human is flawed? yes.

Meanwhile, you also scrutinize your past behavior as much as it takes to change it.

Make yourself worthy. Worthy of love. Worthy of friendship. A giver on the planet.

Endless hours in a shrink's office will never give to you what common sense charity work will, and you will probably make some friends along the way.

[2.50 a gallon]

Foamy

 

I just lost a post to you.

 

I have read most of you posts, I never seen you mention looking for work, so I assume that you have a job?

 

Trust me, you will love again, this wasn't your last stop

 

How do I know? I have been in your shoes.

 

First thing, began improving yourself.

[foamy2001]

I refuse to use anti-depressants. I'm not judging anyone who does use them, it's just a personal thing for me. Same with counseling - just not something I can do.

 

I don't feel young. I feel like I'm at the end of the road here. I'm trying to finally finish up college, but it's almost MORE depressing to be in that environment. I am constantly surrounded by all these young kids who I will be competing with for entry-level jobs when I graduate at damn near 40.

 

I feel like I am losing my mind. I do work, in a restaurant, which is kind of good because it forces me to interact with people, but as soon as I get off, I come straight home, lock my door behind me and stay here until it's time to work again. I changed my number and e-mail so I wouldn't contact my ex, and even deleted my facebook which I was pretty much addicted to. While this has kept me somewhat sane because I'm no longer looking for her to call, now no one else calls either.

 

I know this is just a phase, or at least I hope so... but I cannot imagine ever dating again. This is my second divorce and the last two women I've dated I ended up marrying. I feel like this is my destiny - to be alone.

[twisted&alone]

I feel like this is my destiny - to be alone.

 

I have no idea if this will help, but I've been trying to memorize many of his words because they make so much sense. I know you are going through a rough time...we all are; it's why we are here. If we didn't want to understand and not be the way we are we wouldn't be telling perfect strangers are most darkest thoughts, deepest insecurities, greatest fears, and saddest heartbreaks. I hope this brings you some peace.

"People often confuse forgetting or reconciliation with forgiveness...it is neither. It is not something we do for others; but something we must gift ourselves with; it exists as does all true healing, at the intersection of love and justice." G. Livingston. Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart. 2004

 

"Some point of forgiveness is the end point of grieving. Coming to terms with our past is inevitably a process of forgiveness, of letting go, the simplest and most difficult of all human endeavors. It is simultaneously an act of will and of surrender and it often seems impossible until the moment you do it." G. Livingston. Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart. 2004

 

"As we contemplate the inevitable losses that we have had to integrate into our lives, the way we grieve and the meaning that we assign to our experience determine how we face the future. The challenge is to remain hopeful."

G. Livingston. Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart. 2004

 

"Mental health is a function of choice. The more choices we are able to exercise, the happier we are likely to be. Those who are most unwell or discouraged suffer from a sense that their choices have been limited, most often by the many ways we restrict ourselves." G. Livingston. Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart. 2004

[foamy2001]

it exists as does all true healing, at the intersection of love and justice.

 

That's my problem... I feel like her leaving is the justice and I have never and don't think I will ever be able to love myself.

 

Some point of forgiveness is the end point of grieving. Coming to terms with our past is inevitably a process of forgiveness, of letting go, the simplest and most difficult of all human endeavors. It is simultaneously an act of will and of surrender and it often seems impossible until the moment you do it.

 

that is incredibly powerful and more than anything anyone has said or anything I have read, it gives me hope.... thank you.

[twisted&alone]

I feel like her leaving is the justice and I have never and don't think I will ever be able to love myself.

The act of loving oneself is something we all struggle with at some point in our lives; but there is something there or you would not be reaching out...you would not search for answers. Take one day at a time and break it down to one minute and one second if you have too and give yourself credit for each passing one. When you need to let go...let go...when you feel down get up and move occupy your brain...I've learned that my heart doesn't/can't hurt unless my brain tells it - it does - strange I know :-) ... seriously, it's true so keep it busy ... fix something, write something, walk, eat...whatever gets your brain engaged - don't think you don't or can't love yourself - you are still here!

 

Never forget you have a choice each morning when the feet hit the floor; even if five seconds later you say it's bad keep telling yourself its going to be a good day...I'm not sure any of this helps but I know it does keep me from slowly going crazy!

 

Foamy2001 - I believe you and Gordon Livingston may be a good fit...here is more information... Gordon Livingston , MD - Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart - Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now...

 

#22 - Love is never lost, not even in death: "Thirteen years later, my sons, though frozen in time, remain a living presence for me. I have largely forgiven myself for not being able to save them. I have reconciled myself to growing old without them. I will see them again. This is what passes for hope: those we have lost evoked in us feelings of love that we didn't know we were capable of. These permanent changes are their legacies, their gifts to us. it is our task to transfer that love to those who still need us. In this way we remain faithful to their memories. I toasted my daughters wedding with: The love between parents and children depends heavily on forgiveness. It is our imperfections that mark us human and our willingness to tolerate them in our families and ourselves redeems the suffering to which all love makes us vulnerable. In happy moments such as this we celebrate; if love can indeed overcome death, it is only through the exercise of memory and devotion. Memory and devotion...with it your heart, though broken, will be full and you will stay in the fight to the very last." He lost one son to suicide, but his youngest was lost at age 6 after the marrow Gordon donated failed to work the medical magic they both deserved.

Edited August 14, 2010 by twisted&alone
quote

[2.50 a gallon]

Foamy

 

At age 35 you are still a young pup. If you will let it happen, the adventure is only just starting to begin.

 

I know because I was in your shoes 30 years ago, one difference, she was only 22 and we had only been married six months. Also, we had just moved from our hometown, where I gave up a high paying hourly job, and relocated a thousand miles away, where I took a minimum wage job. All of our friends where her friends. Short version, I lost my new bride, and was now stuck in a brand new town, with no friends and no money. And on top of that our neighbor was an associate OM, who was also trying to get in her pants, kept inviting her and her new BF over to party when his wife was away. We shared a bedroom wall, and they were quite loudly trying to get my goat.

 

Man was I in a black hole, there was no light, there was no joy, there no hope, there was no love, I even wondered if I would ever laugh again. My mind was full of self blame, the "I shoulda, I couldas and the If onlys"

 

As Gunny likes to say, "Get busy living or get busy dieing."

 

After 3 weeks of self pity and despair, I took my two kittens down to a city park, so they could play outside again, this had been a weekly thing with the XW, so it was a difficult trigger. But I was determined to take back the park as part of my territory.

 

As it turns out the kittens were a chick magnet. I met a whole new set of friends, just by getting out of my apartment. It was my first step to recovery. There were pretty faces looking down at me in my pit asking me if I wanted to come out and play.

 

That is the first step, getting out of the apartment and doing something, anything.

Edited August 14, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

Foamy

 

Somehow the previous message was a double post.

 

I will add, count your blessings. You are living in the greatest country the world has ever seen. That world is full of beautiful women. Most on the planet would kill to be in your shoes. You have food, shelter, and live in a peaceful land, there are no bombs going off on your street.

 

You have a job, in todays world that is a big plus.

Edited August 14, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[What_Next]

Foamy, I respect your decision about anti-depressants, in fact it was suggested to me to take them and I did what you have decided. I did not and would not take them. In the end I am glad I went that way.

 

As for counciling, well my wife and I tried it and it was a disaster...

 

I can empathize completely. Listen, I am 36 so I know exactly where you are coming from. It is just a phase, most definitely. Don't let it continue too long though. Why not re-kindle an old hobby that you enjoy.

[You Go Girl]

Foamy, I went back and read your initial post. I said some things to you there about guilt and how you can't hold yourself responsible for death of others.

Your EA was not a serious one, as it was more of a friendship, right?

So you can't take on this divorce load as all your fault either. She bailed, and it seems she has done so without explanation, which surely points to an affair elsewhere. People not having affairs do not bail without a discussion of why, and don't bail without fighting for the marriage first.

 

Are you God? No! So stop taking that load on your shoulders, doesn't matter whether you are religious or not. You are a mere humanoid. You can't control death, you can't control other people's decisions, you can't control how the world goes round. If I tried to take on the burden of life, death, and love, the load would be overwhelming. So stop that. Take a deep breath and take responsibility only for what you should *own* as your part in how you have ended up where you are today.

Isolation is a mistake. Grab your bootstraps and lift yourself up. Get out and see those friends. Share the worst here, spare the friends that, unless one of them is actually willingly wanting to discuss it all with you. Friends will let you know if they want to hear it or not. Bring it up lightly with each one of them, and they will give you the cue if they are the one to talk to, or not.

You have endured an awful lot of grief. Don't add to it by placing burdens on your shoulders that don't belong there. You wouldn't do that to your worst enemy, so don't do it to yourself.

[foamy2001]

Foamy, I went back and read your initial post. I said some things to you there about guilt and how you can't hold yourself responsible for death of others.

Your EA was not a serious one, as it was more of a friendship, right?

So you can't take on this divorce load as all your fault either. She bailed, and it seems she has done so without explanation, which surely points to an affair elsewhere. People not having affairs do not bail without a discussion of why, and don't bail without fighting for the marriage first.

 

Are you God? No! So stop taking that load on your shoulders, doesn't matter whether you are religious or not. You are a mere humanoid. You can't control death, you can't control other people's decisions, you can't control how the world goes round. If I tried to take on the burden of life, death, and love, the load would be overwhelming. So stop that. Take a deep breath and take responsibility only for what you should *own* as your part in how you have ended up where you are today.

Isolation is a mistake. Grab your bootstraps and lift yourself up. Get out and see those friends. Share the worst here, spare the friends that, unless one of them is actually willingly wanting to discuss it all with you. Friends will let you know if they want to hear it or not. Bring it up lightly with each one of them, and they will give you the cue if they are the one to talk to, or not.

You have endured an awful lot of grief. Don't add to it by placing burdens on your shoulders that don't belong there. You wouldn't do that to your worst enemy, so don't do it to yourself.

 

The EA never got physical, but I got sucked into this girl liking me. Her and I went to high school together and she was this hot cheerleader type. I knew chatting with her was a mistake, and I told her things that I didn't really mean... I have extremely low self esteem and hearing nice things from a girl I used to have a crush on was kind of intoxicating. I never once thought about taking the EA beyond chatting and texting, but I now know that doesn't matter.

 

To make matters worse, the EA girl ended up pregnant almost immediately after my ex found out about the whole thing. Ex always believed the kid was mine.

 

My friends all seem to have taken her side of things. Maybe that's just me beating myself up, but I know she has stayed in contact with some of my closest friends and none of them ever call or try to contact me. I feel like I have no one in my corner. I feel like I am burdening everyone when I try to hang out.

[You Go Girl]

It's up to YOU to keep your friends. Give them a call and plan to see them. They don't belong to your wife, but they will if you neglect them.

You changed your phone number, and have disappeared. You are making yourself look guilty in your friend's eyes. Fix that.