JLGirl Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Hey Guys, totally new to this forum but so glad I found it. Recently had my heart broken by my partner of 4.5 years. We were engaged and living together and I have a child from a marriage when I was very young. I have put up with alot from this guy and given him many chances and out of the blue he tells me he wants to separate and now he just wants to be friends. He has been the focus of my life other than my son for so long now dealing with issues etc and I love his family dearly that being apart from him is tearing me open. I know I have to get through this I just dont know how...I find myself wanting to message him every second of the day and then when I do I find myself messaging more to appologise for messaging. He really does consume my thoughts and I dont know if I want to be with him or if I am just afraid to be alone. I am turning 30 this year and I feel like my life is falling apart and definately not where I want it to be. I love my son dearly and he is truely keeping me going. You should no me Ex tends to want to be around me at the begining of the week but is moody and nasty by the end. Im good enough to sleep with but no good enough to be shown respect...that is my error I know....just please can someone tell me how do you stop thinking and calling and wanting to see them, its exhausting. I was going to stay away and show him what hes missing but I get so infuriated that his life is peachy after I bailed him out of so much (debt free car etc) and im the one suffering. PLEASE HELP - any advice would do Broken and Desperate
Beeotch Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Hey JLGirl! I can definitely empathize with you, and especially coming from the otherside where I am over my break up, I think I may be able to offer you some insight not clouded by fresh emotions and from my own post break up experience that lasted a year plus. It's GREAT that you ask yourself whether or not you TRULY want this man or if you're just scared to be alone. That is great! It shows a lot of honesty on your part versus what normally happens, and that is an insistence that this person will complete your world and you MUST get them back. Break ups are a hard and painful time dominated by fear, which is a heck of an emotion! Fear rears its ugly head during a break up; fear of being alone, fear of not being able to find someone else, fear of the unknown, fear of not having been good enough, etc. It's HARD to shut fear up...but the good news is that fear is not real and over time you realize that what you're afraid of is small. The WORST but easiest thing to do, is to watch your ex's life and to believe that their life magically got better without you. I remember those days....and my ex sure pretended like his life was glorious. However, it wasn't and he later admitted it. But that doesn't matter....regardless of if your ex's life is a mess or fabulous, that plays NO ROLE in how your life should be. Endings are also new beginnings. It is scary to start with, but as you walk the road you realize it isn't so bad. You're just 30! Not 50. You are a great woman, with lots to learn about herself and lots to offer. You already admitted your ex is NOT all that and you just have to realize that right now is the hardest time, the withdrawal stage. But after you make it through the initial phase...it does get better. There really is NO magic trick to make you completely forget about this person and magically be fine. You make mistakes, you go through the rollercoaster, you feel hurt and then after a while, IT DOES END! I am proof. Be kind to yourself. It is okay to feel your feelings, no matter how irrational they are, as when you accept and feel them, the quicker they go away versus forcing yourself to "not feel" or "not think". Focus on your wonderful son, find activities that interest you that you would like to do, go on a trip, get together with friends and family, keep a journal (esp one highlighting what you would like in a future partner, and write every last detail that this man lacked ) and immerse yourself into a journey that is ABOUT YOU! Eff what your ex wants to do....and don't even get caught up in trying to make him jealous or miss you...trullly focus on YOU! As for his family....that is touchy. You can keep limited contact with them if you must, but they should also understand that it is weird and difficult and that the relationship cannot be the same. But you know what, just because something is different doesn't mean it's bad. Take time away from them too, I'm sure they'll understand and someday when you're over it, you never know, ya'll can be cool. But for now, you need to heal and become stronger and more whole and you're gonna do ALL it takes to get there regardless of your ex, his family, or anyone else.
Beeotch Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I experienced (nearly) the same situation 3 years ago - take a look at my signature SPAM! JLGirl....please don't fall for this hot mess.
Author JLGirl Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Hey Beeotch Your reply try was a life saver. The scary thing is that you know all those things you know exactly what you have to do but you tend to put that at the back of your mind and ignore it. Good to hear you are living proof that life does go on hahaha. The days I feel I can do without him I will be fine and then BAM like a smack in the face I will see something hear something and my stomach flips and I start to get all ARGHHH I miss him etc etc. I wont lie I do miss him, and my son does call him dad but because he has no biological ties I have no idea if he is going to do the right thing by being in my sons life. I know my son wants him to just dont know if he will continue to, for now he is but he tends to walk away from things when it get to hard. Trying desparately not to use that as an excuse to contact. My goal in the next couple of days is to not write, or call. hahaha I know I am going to be pacing at night when alone and biting my fingernails going one call wont hurt just one message wonder what hes up to etc....I have to do this.... Thanks so much for your input....always good to hear it from the otherside!
Sambo Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Hey Beeotch Your reply try was a life saver. The scary thing is that you know all those things you know exactly what you have to do but you tend to put that at the back of your mind and ignore it. Good to hear you are living proof that life does go on hahaha. The days I feel I can do without him I will be fine and then BAM like a smack in the face I will see something hear something and my stomach flips and I start to get all ARGHHH I miss him etc etc. I wont lie I do miss him, and my son does call him dad but because he has no biological ties I have no idea if he is going to do the right thing by being in my sons life. I know my son wants him to just dont know if he will continue to, for now he is but he tends to walk away from things when it get to hard. Trying desparately not to use that as an excuse to contact. My goal in the next couple of days is to not write, or call. hahaha I know I am going to be pacing at night when alone and biting my fingernails going one call wont hurt just one message wonder what hes up to etc....I have to do this.... Thanks so much for your input....always good to hear it from the otherside! Every day will get easier ... Just make it through TODAY.
Beeotch Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Hey Beeotch Your reply try was a life saver. The scary thing is that you know all those things you know exactly what you have to do but you tend to put that at the back of your mind and ignore it. Good to hear you are living proof that life does go on hahaha. The days I feel I can do without him I will be fine and then BAM like a smack in the face I will see something hear something and my stomach flips and I start to get all ARGHHH I miss him etc etc. I wont lie I do miss him, and my son does call him dad but because he has no biological ties I have no idea if he is going to do the right thing by being in my sons life. I know my son wants him to just dont know if he will continue to, for now he is but he tends to walk away from things when it get to hard. Trying desparately not to use that as an excuse to contact. My goal in the next couple of days is to not write, or call. hahaha I know I am going to be pacing at night when alone and biting my fingernails going one call wont hurt just one message wonder what hes up to etc....I have to do this.... Thanks so much for your input....always good to hear it from the otherside! You're welcome I realize that when something we want/had is taken away...it is NEVER as punishment but there is some lesson in it, some reason for it that usually leads us further along in our lives and to a better place and space...ESPECIALLY if we take the time to realize it and not resist it. I learned all that and more after my break up, lessons that apply to my life in general and not just relationships. I don't think I can ever go through a devastating breakup again, as I truly see the bigger picture in my life circumstances now. How I choose relationships to begin with is different, how I will be in them and if they should end, will also look different and a lot better than fumbling around blindly. Is my life easy and breezy with no discomfort or pain? Nopes...BUT there is a lot of pain that is unnecessary that I have managed to cut out and also with my new awareness, pain comes and goes more quickly and I can get back to a happy, purposeful place. I wish you lots of happiness, success, inner strength, confidence and self discovery on your NEW journey
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