NoIDidn't Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 A friend married her MM. I didn't know this until a few days ago when she told me. She knows that her H cheats on her quite a bit. And often with women that knew she was once his OW. I hadn't considered her view of this. I just thought these women pursued her H because he was making himself available. She feels they are pursuing her H because she was once his OW and they feel that she has no real *right* to a peaceful marriage. Some have even told her so when she confronted them in the past. What does everyone else think? I'd actually never considered the outcome she says she is dealing with. (I will reveal more of this story when time permits. Just wanted to get the thread started)
Jilly Bean Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I wouldn't agree she's not entitled to a happy marriage, but since she's tolerating his rampant cheating, she clearly has no interest in one.
desertIslandCactus Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Many feel that once the MM's OW has accomplished her quest, that he would cheat on her as well. She obviously has a right to a peaceful marriage, but she has lessened the odds in marrying someone else's husband.
Author NoIDidn't Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 I didn't really want this thread to focus on my friend's situation. She is a dear friend of over twenty years. I hate that she is hurting. She's been married to him for more than ten years. You would think that people would have forgotten about the fact that the marriage started as an A. Or, at least, that that wouldn't be relevant anymore. In my rush to start this thread, I made a huge mistake. She knows that he has cheated on her - not that he continues to do so. Her comment was based on the fact that she sees women throwing themselves at her H, not that she knows he is accepting their offers. The convo we had recently was sparked by the fact that she ran into the first OW with child in a grocery store and that OW basically told her "you didn't respect his first marrige, why should I respect yours"? after a brief confrontation over the OW blaming my friend for him not being in contact with the child that is likely over five years old by now. Does this kind of thing really happen to OWs that become Ws and everyone knows that the M started as an affair?
Stung Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 It's pretty convoluted thinking all the way around, IMO. I can understand feeling disapproving or disillusioned about how the marriage started, but trying to stab a woman in the back with her husband's penis is always a low move. I only know of one couple whose marriage took root as an affair, and as far as I know this kind of thing doesn't go on with them. But I don't think very many people are aware of their relationship's origins.
Mombot Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I'm a little confused with this thread- other women are dying to cheat with him because he married an OW?
Author NoIDidn't Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 I'm a little confused with this thread- other women are dying to cheat with him because he married an OW? I didn't want the thread about their situation solely, just about the question in my second post. But to answer your question, since I know three of the OWs - I can't say that they were dying to help him cheat on her. It seems from the words o of one, that they felt totally justified in doing so. It doesn't make sense to me, so I wanted to discuss if this really happens like in this situation.
bentnotbroken Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I am going to try to answer this question as honestly as I can, so there will be the "right" answer and the "human" answer. Does she have a right to a peaceful marriage because she was the OW in his previous marriage. Right answer- Every marriage has the right to be free of outside interference and attacks. Human answer- Why should she expect the courtesy that she didn't give to another woman? Right answer- No one deserves the pain of being betrayed by someone they love and are married to. Human answer- He cheated with her, he will cheat on her. Right answer- There are boundaries in marriage and those boundaries should be respected. Human answer- She didn't start her relationship with boundaries or respect...so why does she expect others to feel that way. I have to make a conscious choice not to feel the human answer is the correct answer. Doing what is right even when you don't feel like (and I don't half the time)means she deserves to be left alone to deal with her marriage. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be in her shoes.
OWoman Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Does this kind of thing really happen to OWs that become Ws and everyone knows that the M started as an affair? Not IME. I guess it depends on the kind of circles you move in - but none of the Ms that I know IRL that grew out of As have been beset by this. Most have been monogamous, faithful and sexually exclusive, and a couple have fallen victim to one or the other of the parties developing interests elsewhere, but even those were not of the pattern described here.
OWoman Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 She feels they are pursuing her H because she was once his OW and they feel that she has no real *right* to a peaceful marriage. Someone said something similar to my H's xW when she complained about his "infidelity" - that had she (the xW) respected the sanctity of M, she may have had the right to the outrage she was expressing, but not in the context of having cheated on her 1st H (with her 2nd H, who then in turn cheated on her). They accused her of hypocrisy and told her to deal with her own issues before expecting sympathy for her complaints about the issues of others. (I guess that's why they're no longer friends... Still, it's comforting to know I'll receive the same kind of sympathy if I ever go and cry on that friend's shoulder if the same fate was to befall our M... )
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Her comment was based on the fact that she sees women throwing themselves at her H, not that she knows he is accepting their offers. I would think that these women are throwing themselves at her husband because they are aware he is a cheater and doesn't say no. It isn't about her, it's about him.. His boundries, what energy he gives off towards these women.
In_Repair Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I would think that these women are throwing themselves at her husband because they are aware he is a cheater and doesn't say no. It isn't about her, it's about him.. His boundries, what energy he gives off towards these women. I would have to agree. Any criticism regarding the wife is just something that they are using to take the wind out of her sails and get her to shut up.
Jilly Bean Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 So, your friend stayed with a cheating husband who had a child with the first OW? Wow. Don't wonder too hard why no one respects this marriage. It's not WORTHY of respect. He cheats on her, fathers children with OW, and she tolerates it. WWIU is right - women go for him because they know he has no respect for his marriage and is a repeat cheater, and they know his wife, your friend, is desperate enough to keep him that she will accept whatever he does. Because their "marriage" was disrespected by both of them from the get-go, it's no wonder he's had a string of affairs.
herenow Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I would have to ask an OW who gets involved with a known cheater what she is looking for. The OW may be using the fact that the BW has been an OW in order to justify her actions, but the affair is with the MM, not the BW. On the other hand, people like your friend may want to take a look at how they treat others. OW has affairs with MM MM has affairs with OW BW stays with MM who has affairs. I think these situations start with each individual exploring their own issues and why they make the choices they do.
YellowShark Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Many feel that once the MM's OW has accomplished her quest, that he would cheat on her as well. She obviously has a right to a peaceful marriage, but she has lessened the odds in marrying someone else's husband. I concur. The "NEW" wife deserves to have her marriage's boundaries to be respected. But since her husband cheated with her with his "OLD" wife WTF does she expect would happen? you live by the sword... you die by the sword.
ladydesigner Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I believe any M should have it's boundaries respected. He sounds like a serial cheater and doesn't have ANY boundaries, unfortunately all the OW that want him can smell that. I feel for your friend even if she was the OW at some point.
Mimolicious Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 But I thought that none in an A gives a shizz about the "W"? I concur with Jilly Bean. Unreal that people deal with drama like this. I pity the kids involved.
2sure Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I just thought these women pursued her H because he was making himself available. She feels they are pursuing her H because she was once his OW and they feel that she has no real *right* to a peaceful marriage OMG. So, the former OW is not blaming her cheating H - but the new OW?????????
piscis Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Hi! If I do not read your firend's story and I just stick to the question that title's the thread I will have to immediatly answer NO. From the begining pursuing MM should not happend period. It happeneds but it will never be just Ok. This questions sounds like because the W was once an OW that gives other women the permission to persue anA with her H? What I think is that lots of us OW believe that MM cheat and their W's with us because they do not love them anymore or because they love us more and unfortunately we did not met before, but the true for me is that soem men are cheaters period. They do not cheat becasue the W is some horrible witch, or because they do not understand them, other kind of men who are married to witches who do not understand them divorce do not cheat. So as much as I love my MM I recognize that if we end together (which is almost impossible and I do not even know if I want that to happend anymore) he will cheat on me because now I eill be the horrible witch....
HappyAtLast Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Marital boundaries are very personal and are created from within, not from outside. Respect for boundaries is only relevant when it pertains to those inside the marriage. If those inside the marriage respect the boundaries, it does not matter whether anyone else does.
silktricks Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 A friend married her MM. I didn't know this until a few days ago when she told me. She knows that her H cheats on her quite a bit. And often with women that knew she was once his OW. I hadn't considered her view of this. I just thought these women pursued her H because he was making himself available. She feels they are pursuing her H because she was once his OW and they feel that she has no real *right* to a peaceful marriage. Some have even told her so when she confronted them in the past. What does everyone else think? I'd actually never considered the outcome she says she is dealing with. (I will reveal more of this story when time permits. Just wanted to get the thread started) I think that is the worst kind of excuse making possible. "You did something that I consider to be wrong, and because you did it, then that gives me the freedom (excuse) to do the same thing to you." What a self-centered, self-aggrandizing load of fertilizer. In case the above didn't make my feelings clear.... IMO there is NO reason to cheat with a married person. If married, then they are married and out of bounds. The fact that they've cheated in the past doesn't grant permission. The fact that they married someone they cheated with in the past doesn't give them permission. IMO, nothing gives them permission.
jj33 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Yuck. Im sorry your friend is hurting. WHY is she putting up with it. Back to the old adage. It takes 2 to have an affair and he sounds like one you do have to tag when he goes out in the morning because there are women everywhere and thats what he counts on.... But isnt it just the ugliest side of certain competitive women that they would have the nerve to say that to your friend. Very very ugly... Eesh. The living embodiment of an ugly stereotype. But as someone said I think it was 2sure, she's blaming the OW??? Yes she has a right to be hurt and upset that they think its OK to declare open season on a man with a bad history, but its worse that he hasnt cleaned up his act and tried to do better in the new marriage.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 A friend married her MM. I didn't know this until a few days ago when she told me. She knows that her H cheats on her quite a bit. And often with women that knew she was once his OW. I hadn't considered her view of this. I just thought these women pursued her H because he was making himself available. She feels they are pursuing her H because she was once his OW and they feel that she has no real *right* to a peaceful marriage. Some have even told her so when she confronted them in the past. What does everyone else think? I'd actually never considered the outcome she says she is dealing with. (I will reveal more of this story when time permits. Just wanted to get the thread started) Well, I married my MM as most know. And what do I think? I'd leave him if he cheated on me ONCE. (I'd be pissed and do the confrontation thing on the OW and I'd follow through on my word. He knows if it EVER happens he is finding a new address. Now that doesn't mean I wouldn't consider reconciling after, it would depend on the circumstances. But I've said one thing and I will follow through or then I'm just a doormat.) Why this woman would stay married to someone that she KNOWS cheats on her repeatedly, I don't get. And no I don't think it's ever RIGHT to pursue a MM. I didn't even do that. All I know if that was to happen to me, that OW better stick to daylight. GEL
GreenEyedLady Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I didn't really want this thread to focus on my friend's situation. She is a dear friend of over twenty years. I hate that she is hurting. She's been married to him for more than ten years. You would think that people would have forgotten about the fact that the marriage started as an A. Or, at least, that that wouldn't be relevant anymore. In my rush to start this thread, I made a huge mistake. She knows that he has cheated on her - not that he continues to do so. Her comment was based on the fact that she sees women throwing themselves at her H, not that she knows he is accepting their offers. The convo we had recently was sparked by the fact that she ran into the first OW with child in a grocery store and that OW basically told her "you didn't respect his first marrige, why should I respect yours"? after a brief confrontation over the OW blaming my friend for him not being in contact with the child that is likely over five years old by now. Does this kind of thing really happen to OWs that become Ws and everyone knows that the M started as an affair? I replied to your first post without reading the whole thread. My first answer stands. But to address your new post, I think it really depends on your friend. There are some people in this world who I personally think get the worst of everything no matter what. I can't imagine a woman saying that to another woman with child. I think it reflects on that woman. She's obviously a bottom feeder and deflecting her awful behavior on someone else. I don't know why your friend would take it personally. I mean, the other woman is ignorant and doesn't know any better. Probably has been on Jerry Springer. I can say this has never happened to me and I would never tolerate it. From another woman or my H. There is also the possibility that your friend has never stood up for herself and does not command respect. Or that the OW is just a bully and bullies have a way of terrorizing people. I feel bad for your friend. I think infidelity is awful to live through. All the way around the triangle. GEL
fooled once Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 NiD, I have a very dear friend who married the M she cheated with (he was married and so was she). They have been married 10 years or so. I DO believe she is entitled to a happy marriage. I do know that there has been no cheating since they got together for either of them. I don't know of anyone (even their family members who know they started as an affair) who "holds it against them". I think it is pretty crappy what your friend was told by the former OW she ran into. I do not think that just because their marriage started as an affair that their marriage is fair game to mock, to disrespect or to dishonor. Tell her to hold her head high and to believe in the marriage (if that is what she wants). IF he is cheating, she should kick him to the curb. She doesn't deserve to have her H cheating on her just because he cheated with her. That is stupid thinking IMHO.
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