Loss of a great friend..

[cucumbernub]

Hi everyone, here's my story and I hope you guys can give me some insight for my predicament.

 

I've known my ex for 4 years. She was a really great girl, wonderful, cute and caring friend, and no one had a bad word to say about her. She used to be my friend's girlfriend and were together for 2.5 years. We were all university students who stayed away from home thus we shared a flat together. Well, when they broke up, I was there for her and consoled her (she was the dumpee), and because of my actions, we grew much closer as friends but no romantic feelings were involved. 5 months later, it was the easter holidays, and it was just the two of us at home. We spent every moment together, and then I developed feelings for her and it was mutual. 3 weeks after that, we got together.

 

Everything was great first of all. I knew her as someone who needed a guy to take care of her and provide for her, something her ex didn't do. And she was happy for me to prove to her that I really liked her because we didn't really have a courtship period. Well, I did, and because we stayed together anyway, again, we spent every moment together. I was really nice to her and patient and basically gave her my all because I really thought that that was what she wanted.

 

4 months later, I had to move to a different city to complete my course, but it was only an hour train ride. At first, it was difficult for me, because I was so used to her being there with me all the time, we did quarrel a few times when she couldn't be there for me when I needed her due to the stresses of my workload. I was basically alone in the new place and didn't make many friends because I was just too darn busy. We did see each other every weekend though and our quarrels did decrease in frequency as I got used to it all. She was very caring and understanding of my situation and would put up with my moments of neediness, something I'm NOT proud of.

 

11 months into our relationship, out of the blue, she suddenly wanted a break. At that point in time, I knew she was starting to worry about job applications because she was going to be graduating in a few months' time. She said that she felt so confused in life and didn't know what she wanted for herself, her career and our relationship. Well, I reluctantly agreed to the break but she came calling a few hours later and said she couldn't take the break. Then, I thought everything was back to normal.

 

After that time, things WERE back to normal, in fact they got better after we went on a romantic holiday together. Towards the run up to my final exams, I did get more stressed out and we didn't communicate as much as we used to.

She finished her final exams a month before me (we're doing different courses) and she started going out a lot more with her friends. I never objected to it because I knew that she deserved to have her fun before graduating and being put into the big world. During this time, I had a gut feeling that one of our mutual friends, liked her. I would see facebook pictures of them together, and I kind of felt that he did. And he would be texting her a lot as well.

 

Well, I knew she treasured him a lot as a friend, just like how she treasures all friends. I told her about it anyway, that I thought he liked her and to watch out but that I trusted her anyway. She denied the fact that he liked her and we would argue over this fact. After awhile, I started my exam period, and she left to Europe on a 10 day trip with this guy and other mutual friends. We were arguing a lot the month leading up to this trip, because of the guy and also the fact that she would be on her phone texting all the time, not just him but other friends as well, and I felt neglected. When she left, and I sent her off at the train station, we kissed and hugged and said goodbye but when she walked away towards the train and she never turned around (something she always did), I felt that something was wrong. But I couldn'tlet it bother me because I had to prioritise my exams first of all.

 

During the trip, we talked very little on the phone. I would point it out to her and she would be angry then apologise and said she understood that we were in fact talking less. But everytime we spoke, it seemed different and it just felt weird. Well, when she came back from the trip, I had just finished my exams, and I went to see her. Then and there, she looked unhappy and was obviously crying. She then told me she wanted a break to sort out her feelings. She told me that she felt stifled by all my love for her and she felt guilty that she couldn't reciprocate this love for me no matter how hard she tried. And she finally confessed to me that the guy I was suspicious of had been trying to hit on her for a few weeks, by joking that he liked her and things like that. She never took him seriously until the last day of the trip when she suddenly felt like she had something for him, and that made her really guilty with the fact that she could have these feelings. I know for a fact that everytime the guy joked about liking her, she would shoot him down vehemently and said that he should stop playing around and she didn't like it.

 

Obviously I was devastated. I begged her, I cried with her but eventually I gave her the space she wanted. I knew the confused feelings she had a few months ago were plaguing her again, and I told her to respect me during the break, and use the time to sort her feelings out and to cease contact with the guy as well. Well, it was graduation period during that time. Her friends and family were all over at her place and she didn't seem to be missing me and she was enjoying herself. I would argue with her because I was stuck not knowing what was to happen whereas she seemed to be not caring about us. And furthermore, she started texting this guy a lot more (he would always initiate though) and they would be texting the whole day. It got to a point where I was so frustrated with the fact that she didn't seem to want to think about our situation that I decided to break it off because I couldn't take it anymore.

 

Well, 3 weeks later, which is now, I know that she's on the brink of getting together with this guy. Her best friend, who is also my good friend, told me that she has changed for the worse, and her thinking is so unnatural and so unlike her and that even her best friend found that she can't accept this girl for who she is right now. She seemed a totally different person from the one I knew 4 years ago. I confronted her about the guy and that how during the break, she would always not respect me and kept on texting him, she said 'My bad then.' This was something I knew she WOULD NOT have said because I've known her for 4 years, and she has really strong values and core beliefs in life. She admitted to me she had been a selfish, immature b*tch and she hated herself for what she has become but she continued doing what she did because of her feelings.

 

When we broke up, she wanted to be friends. Well, after finding out about this guy, I told her that I can't accept the person that she is now and I want her more than as a friend and therefore, I can't be friends with her. I told her that if she suddenly has a change of heart, she can talk to me but I'm just going to move on and not dwell on her. She said that she understood.

 

This is quite a long story, and there ARE details which are missing. But the gist of it is, I'm very angry at the guy, who was our mutual friend, who had no respect for me or my ex at all and started hitting on her. When we broke up, apparently, he was like a train that couldn't be stopped and went after her like mad. And also, I'm very saddened by the loss of this girl whose friendship and companionship I truly valued and the fact that she seemed to have changed into a totally different person, someone I barely know now.

 

Guys, thanks for listening to my story. I hope that someone out there can provide some insight as to what happened, or if I did anything wrong. I still have this hope in me that she will wake up from this nasty period and be the same person I knew because that person was truly wonderful. Who she is now is definitely not her and if it's true colours surfacing, I can only weep for the loss of a great person in my life. I know I don't want her back in her current state and I probably don't want her back in the future as well, but I also have this small hope that she will eventually come to her senses and if she does, I would very much like to try again. For now, I am going full NC. It does hurt and the thought of her and the guy being together burns such a hole in my heart but if she truly is this deceitful, lying person, they do deserve to be together.

[Username37]

Man, I know how you feel. My story is NOTHING like yours but I know the feeling of losing a girl that you once had a STRONG friendship and companionship with. And my ex girlfriend changed for the worst too. It's like she's dead ya know? She's now part of the hooking up party scene and it pains me seeing her all different. Go NC, you learn so much about yourself and your trash of an ex.

 

I wish you luck friend

[health]

cucumbernub, this is why we have to be careful about how a relationship STARTS! She was dating your friend. Then you dated her after...consoling even for 4 months, fine I understand. Still she went from him to you.

Now she went from you to another guy. She's crap. No contact and better your life.

 

I just left a girl cause I met her a month after her break up.

She still talked to the ex. I ended it before I got deeper involved.

 

It's best to have people who are comfortable being alone first, not relationship jumping.

 

My other Ex went into a relationship 3 days after our 5 year one. Same scenario - I was suspsicious of said guy like you!

 

Be grateful you saved YEARS! Enjoy life and improve in all ways!

[cucumbernub]

username, I'm glad to have someone who can empathise with me. Like you said, it's seeing someone you know change into a totally different person and for the worse. As much as I resent her at the moment, I wish she can realise her mistakes in the future, or the world will have lost a great person.

 

health, I understand what you mean. I was wary as well but she showered me with affection and love and it was easy to fall too deeply into it. I have entertained the thought that I might have been a rebound, but I know that she had been over her ex, as she would confide her feelings in me.

 

I believe that she does have insecurity and self esteem issues though. When we were together she would always ask me if a girl who looked exactly like her and spoke exactly like her but whom I felt was better, I would leave her. She would also say things like she didn't deserve the affection I was giving her. She would also try hard to please her friends and would tend to put them before me, although she did make some compromises. When we couldn't go partying with her friends once because I just didn't feel like it and she had to come back with me, she got paranoid that her friends would stop wanting to hang out with her and all that crap.

 

Retrospectively, there WERE red flags. But I think the communication should have been better and things might not have been how it is now.

[Username37]

username, I'm glad to have someone who can empathise with me. Like you said, it's seeing someone you know change into a totally different person and for the worse. As much as I resent her at the moment, I wish she can realise her mistakes in the future, or the world will have lost a great person.

 

I believe that she does have insecurity and self esteem issues though. When we were together she would always ask me if a girl who looked exactly like her and spoke exactly like her but whom I felt was better, I would leave her. She would also say things like she didn't deserve the affection I was giving her. She would also try hard to please her friends and would tend to put them before me, although she did make some compromises. When we couldn't go partying with her friends once because I just didn't feel like it and she had to come back with me, she got paranoid that her friends would stop wanting to hang out with her and all that crap.

 

I know you're in pain. But reading about people with kinda similar situations as mine makes me feel like I'm not alone ya know?

 

And holy ****. My ex was like that too. She had a weight problem before and she has a pretty messed up family. She always thought she was ugly and when she lost weight she still considered herself fat. She's also the smartest girl I've ever met and she considers herself dumb and inferior.

I believe her self esteem issues and insecurity are the reasons for her new behavior.

 

She also thought her friends would abandon her too. The new her now hangs out with them A LOT and hooks up with random guys. That was her rebound. Pains seeing and hearing her act this way.

 

Stick with NC and Loveshack. They're big helpers.

[GrayClouds]

I knew her as someone who needed a guy to take care of her and provide for her, something her ex didn't do. And she was happy for me to prove to her that I really liked her because we didn't really have a courtship period. Well, I did, and because we stayed together anyway, again, we spent every moment together. I was really nice to her and patient and basically gave her my all because I really thought that that was what she wanted.

 

Sorry cucumber for your loss. I afraid as much as she care for you and as great as a boyfriend you seemed to be, it may be a case where she does not know herself very well and uses realtionship to define her. That being alone makes her feel afraid and she feels she needs someone there all the time to calm that fear.

 

As much as it is good to be a giving person in a relationship, it is important to understand when someone needs to much and the relationship becomes unbalanced. She seem a bit too dependent on you, and you may have enjoy that a little to much. There is a line between being supportive and loving vs dependent. Sometime guys who are really good guy my cross that line too easily and we choose the type of girl like your ex.

 

There is a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy that may be helpful you to read. While I sure that it is not 100% you, it can help you see if you are setting healthy boundaries so your kindness is given to someone who will really appreciate it for the long run.

 

Good luck, and hang in there it does get better.

 

 

.

[cucumbernub]

username, i have read your thread as well. Hang in there, we'll both get through this together just fine.

 

grayclouds, thanks for your insight. I understand I may have given too much to her and if there's one thing I've learnt from this whole thing, it's that the balance in a relationship has to be struck delicately. I'm grateful for this lesson and I'm just working on improving myself now.

 

On a side note, does anyone think a quarter life crisis of sorts have actually come into play? This link provides quite valuable insight into this phenomenon.

 

http://www.cds.caltech.edu/~shane/text/quarterlifecrisis.html

[cookie2]

Sorry for your situation dude. Mine is quite similar to yours and U37's. My wife lost a lot of weight and changed completely, had an affair after 9 months of marriage. She would never have done anything like that normally but she just changed and went a little mental with new male attention. Hers was due to weight loss, yours was due to something else, but similar situation.

 

Who she is now is definitely not her

This is what I thought too. But I remembered the line from Batman Begins, quoted in my sig. I think it's very true!

[GrayClouds]

 

On a side note, does anyone think a quarter life crisis of sorts have actually come into play? This link provides quite valuable insight into this phenomenon.

 

http://www.cds.caltech.edu/~shane/text/quarterlifecrisis.html

I again suggest picking up that book.

 

As far as the quarter life thing, yes I do agree but it is also called being young, it hits some of us harder the others.

 

Here is the interesting thing, often the people we choose are refection of ourselves though they may play it out with different behaviors. Two sides of the same coin. While they may be completely different behaviors they come from similar issues.

 

For example in your case, she may have felt the need you to help her giving her identity for she did not yet have a really good idea of who she was. At the same time taking care of her was a way of helping you to define who you were. You may have both have been using the relationship a bit to much to individually defining yourselves She did not have to do that hard work of figuring out who she was because you was doing it for her while you was working to hard for her rather it kept you from working on yourself.

 

While a break up always hard learning lesson that they offer can amek the pain worth while.

[cucumbernub]

I was driving home from work and the thought of my ex and her dude marrying really made me sad I'm 22 and she's 23 but she has always said that she wanted to get married by 27. I don't even know why this thought crossed my mind. Gosh, breakups are tough sometimes.

 

Grayclouds, I've read excerpts from the book and yes, a lot of them do apply to me. I really want to make myself stronger and better for the next person, but this stupid heart of mine still has a piece of her attached to it. I cling onto this hope that maybe she would realise her mistake and come back to me. I feel so pathetic for feeling this way

[GrayClouds]

I was driving home from work and the thought of my ex and her dude marrying really made me sad I'm 22 and she's 23 but she has always said that she wanted to get married by 27. I don't even know why this thought crossed my mind. Gosh, breakups are tough sometimes.

 

Grayclouds, I've read excerpts from the book and yes, a lot of them do apply to me. I really want to make myself stronger and better for the next person, but this stupid heart of mine still has a piece of her attached to it. I cling onto this hope that maybe she would realise her mistake and come back to me. I feel so pathetic for feeling this way

let go of hope it is a killer. and understand it is still a fresh wound, and it takes a little time and hard work and it does get better.

 

And I suspect if she is married by 27 at this rate she will be divorcee by 30

when she sees she just got married to be married not for love.

[cucumbernub]

I just woke up from a dream about my ex and the new guy. It sucks, I thought I was getting better.

[Username37]

I just woke up from a dream about my ex and the new guy. It sucks, I thought I was getting better.

 

That **** happens. I always imagine my ex making out with some other guy. It's painful. I'm also imagining her drinking and smoking and not giving a **** about anything. And she's also dissing me and stuff.

 

Gah...

[cucumbernub]

Username, it does leave you with an empty feeling in your stomach doesn't it? I gave my pillow a good punch when my anger reached its limit, and did that feel good!

 

Another thought crossed my mind as well, could I have been a rebound for this girl? I doubt it, but boy, it hurts if it really was.

[Username37]

Username, it does leave you with an empty feeling in your stomach doesn't it? I gave my pillow a good punch when my anger reached its limit, and did that feel good!

 

Another thought crossed my mind as well, could I have been a rebound for this girl? I doubt it, but boy, it hurts if it really was.

 

Yeah, and it makes me feel like she didn't truly love me and that I'm easily replaceable. And I tried it, it didn't work

 

It's a possibility...but she was with you for a long period of time. She was probably emotionally detached from the relationship before it ended and was probably eyeing your friend. Sorry man. It's ****ed up I know.