keane2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Relatively new to this site, but must confess that I'm amazed that my situation seems so opposite of most couples. I'm just venting, so ignore if you are not interested. Been married 22 years to a wife who suffers severe depression, insecurity and emotional issues, and for the first time ever, I'm beginning to question my resolution to stay married. My wife really believes that anything less than six days a week for sex is really abnormal, but her interest is primarily just to be desired. Me, I grew up with a father who talked endlessly about seduction and great sex. I grew up rough (knife fights, scrapping all the time), but I wanted different things for my life. Moved up in my company to become pretty successful. Although I'm known at work for integrity, at home and with friends, I'm a little eccentric. I set up date nights with my wife, bought a tux and took up ballroom dancing. We regularly find a place to stay away, preferring the beach and the mountains every year. Once, she was seriously depressed, so I painted "I love you" on the big fence outside her breakfast room, and when she went for coffee, danced in the snowstorm in front of it in my boxers (she calls me a 'hunk'.) Unfortunately, got pleurisy from that, but that's what I'm known for. I framed love poems I've written, decorate the house when she returns from visits, etc. All of this is recent, but she says I don't treat her like I love her. Her therapist tries to help her see that it is the voice of her insecurities telling her this. So now, I take pain meds for joint disease, but lift weights and stay in shape. She can't get a handle on things, and has gained quite a bit. To me, if she were confident, I wouldn't care, but she loathes herself and will not let me look at her. I love hours of holding each other in front of the fire, talking about growing old, but she just wants to be wanted. I'm into foreplay and much kissing, but any attention on her is very awkward - she thinks its a delaying tactic. Of course, I finally had the discussion about the weight, but it went bad. Really bad. Apparently, real men want it any way they can get it. Again, just venting. We've read the books and she sees a therapist regularly, but I wouldn't know what to do with a normal relationship. Also, there are areas where our relationship is good.
You Go Girl Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 An insatiable desire that you desire her, without seeing her body or having any foreplay? I must ask, to understand, does she orgasm everytime? Who is it really about? It needs to be about "us" not her, not you. You need more "us" talks, lots of them from what I've read.
Author keane2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 An insatiable desire that you desire her, without seeing her body or having any foreplay? I must ask, to understand, does she orgasm everytime? Who is it really about? It needs to be about "us" not her, not you. You need more "us" talks, lots of them from what I've read. I went into the relationship pretty naive about people our age. My primary 'relationships' as a teenager happened as a result of very direct older women (ok, I was seduced by a married woman and my teacher, but these were relatively short lived because I couldn't handle the guilt). My wife has a very hard time with orgasm. I was devastatingly convinced it was me, but encouraged her to see a doctor also. She will not touch herself or use toys, but even with intense foreplay, orgasms only happen with intercourse after about thirty or more minutes. The doctor noted a pretty serious anatomy problem with recessed clitoris (which is why I asked her to go), but my wife feels it is mostly mental. Still, we rarely have sex without her orgasm, but multiple orgasms are all night events. My point is that she is not like most people - she says she prefers just to be taken. Still, there is no 'us' in our relationship, despite the fact that I have asked for this for years. She loves me, but loves who she is convinced I am. Has no clue about what I do for a living, has no idea what genre I write as a hobby. Probably doesn't even know I have a half brother or step brothers. In fact, for a while my job was titled '6 Sigma Black Belt'. I used statistical modeling to analyze business processes, saving about four million dollars per year. Since she was a nurse, when she filled out medical forms for my child, she listed my title as 'sick sigma'. Really wants to change, but would rather die than live. I'm not saying it's always entirely one-way, but when someone suffers from such mental issues, it's hard to see beyond their own issues. We spend much time together, but it's about healing for her.
You Go Girl Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 We spend much time together, but it's about healing for her. Hmmm. I don't think these attempts at healing for her is working. She would have been healed by now, geezus begeezus! Time for a different approach, one in which you scream if necessary "I'm a person with needs and wants too, and just as important as yours!" Ok, try not to literally scream it. But do what you have to do to get the message across. I understand that she has mental issues. However...maybe...just maybe...they stem from her selfish concentrating on herself and her *depression* all the time, instead of putting her thoughts on taking care of you, caring about you, even knowing who you are and what you do. This points to selfishness, plain and simple. And maybe, just maybe...this depression could be alieviated by concentrating on others instead of herself so much and her "woe is me" attitude. Something woke up my thoughts on depression sometime ago. I read that depression is basically unheard of in 3rd world countries. These people have to struggle to survive. They can't afford the luxury of depression. See what I mean? Like those that lean on the system to support them, there is an attitude of helplessness that truly struggling people have never ever heard of.
quankanne Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 depression isn't a "luxury," YGG, it's a fact of life that can be triggered from stress, exacerbated by medical problems or just something outta whack with blood chemistry from the beginning. And from personal experience, I can assure you it's not where someone chooses to be, but it's where we find ourselves and don't know how to move on because we don't know how to move on. At which point, good meds and an observant doctor can be your best friends, though you're not instantly healed from depression, you just have better tools to help keep it from rearing its ugly head ... however, I do agree with you that it's time for OP to address his wife with the fact that she has got to do something to help herself move past the depression the best she can. Because it sounds like she is allowing herself to use it as a crutch to address other, deeper problems, as well as manipulate the terms of the marriage. Not an easy thing to do, talk about it, but it's an issue that needs to be raised, ideally with a marriage counselor or physician present so that she (and they) understand just how it impacts your marriage. at some point, she is going to have to truly look past herself to see how this affects others.
You Go Girl Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 depression isn't a "luxury," YGG, it's a fact of life that can be triggered from stress, exacerbated by medical problems or just something outta whack with blood chemistry from the beginning. I was in a pretty severe depression for several years, so I understand. I was not saying that the feelings people have when depressed are not real. I was stating that circumstances can determine when people pull up their boot straps and get to work on their lives. I know that when I was rather severely depressed, part of what allowed for me to be like that was somebody else supporting me financially, and I didn't work. So in that regard, depression is a luxury. Sometimes we have to kick ourselves in the arse to get moving again.
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