NightLight Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 (edited) I don't really know where to start about the situation I'm in, so I guess I'll go to the beginning. I was dating my girlfriend for around two years and about a month after we move in together my girlfriend gets a call from a number she doesn't recognize. She picks up and it's a friend of one of her ex-boyfriends wondering if she's heard from him, or know where he is. She says no and then quickly realizes that the call was coming from her ex's phone number. They hadn't spoken in a while and although I thought it was a little weird, I just shook it off and thought nothing of it. A week or so later she starts getting texts from the number, and it's her ex now. As time progresses they start talking on the phone, emailing each other and are getting buddy buddy with each other. At this point in time I was working a very demanding job, I worked 12-14 hours a day and wasn't around much except on my days off. We did a lot of communicating by phone during the day when I would have a few minutes to get away from the office and call her. I never had a problem getting a hold of her and she was always happy to take my calls. As the summer goes by I start having a hard time getting in touch with her, and she starts going out a lot during the day by herself. I have no problem with her going out alone, but it was very out of character for her because she has anxiety issues and rarely does anything by herself. I start to get frustrated because I can never get a hold of her when I call, she always calls me back an hour later, two hours later, four hours later, but I try not to think too deep into it, I figure she's out biking downtown, or reading at the beach, or doing whatever it was she said she was doing. Jump to the fall now and I am working a different job. I quit my day job because of safety issues and because of the fact that I was working so many hours and not spending any time with her, and I felt we were getting distant. It's a couple months into working my new job, and I find out that she was hanging out with the ex boyfriend behind my back all summer, and that's why I couldn't get in contact with her. When confronted she said she was afraid I would be insecure about the whole situation so she thought it would be easier if I just didn't know. She swears that she told him in the beginning that all she wanted was friendship, and nothing else. She never apologized. I found out because I caught her sending him an e-mail saying that she missed biking with him. She said it had become too difficult hanging out with him because she started to feel bad for going behind my back. They didn't hang out for a while after I found out, and now she is starting to hang out with him again. She tells me before they hang out, but she's always vague about what they are doing, and they really only hang out when I am at work (I work overnight now.) The first time they hung out she wound up being out all night, but every time they hang out is when I'm at work or not around. Am I unreasonable for being uncomfortable with them still hanging out? The thing that kills me was that she was willing to put our relationship on the line to hang out with this guy, and after she got caught she never apologized and then she still insists on hanging out with him. I've always had a zero tolerance policy when it comes to cheating, and I gave her another chance (I consider it cheating because she was spending time with this guy behind my back, and how am I supposed to know what really happened?) but I am starting to feel like she is taking me for granted. Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Edited August 13, 2010 by NightLight
blueberries Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 whoa! you're not being unreasonable at all. i think your gf is selfish and inconsiderate. if she hasn't cheated on you already, then i'm sure it's bound to happen. don't waste your time on her. if she wants to be with you, she wouldn't let him back into her life.
lostsunsets Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 bb is right. First she sees this guy behind your back. And then lies about it. Even if she hasn't slept with him (which she probably has), she is still a liar and can't be trusted in a relationship. Toss her to the curb.
Eeyore79 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 She has to decide who is most important to her: you or her ex. Either she quits hanging out with him, or your relationship is over. The fact that she was lying to you about hanging out with him means there's something funny going on; she'll probably be very resistant to the idea of cutting contact with him. If so, you need to issue an ultimatum and tell her it's either you or him.
stace79 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Agree with everybody before me.... except for the spying on her part. If you can't trust somebody without spying, you might as well just get out now. So sorry.
McGrupp Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 you have no boundaries. this is not about your job or making excuses about spending time with here. this is an issue. dont act insecure. dont act needy. sit her down. tell her your not comfortable with her seeing her ex and if she cant handle that then your leaving. dont yell. dont fight. thats it. Boundaries. if she respects you and the relationship she will be honest. I would also ask her if anything physical has happened and if so this will make your decision easier. it will be tough but time to man up.
Bryanp Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have put up with such humiliation and disrespect from you? Your relationship is now a combination of you, her and him. This is absolutely ridiculous. Clearly she has no problem lying to you that she is seeing her ex behind your back (stays out all night with him?) and continues to see him. She is playing you for a complete fool. Her actions indicate that she has absolutely no respect for you or your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Why are you putting up with your lying girlfriend continuing to see her ex? Time to move on my friend. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes. The fact after all of this that she continues to socialize with her ex tells you that she is willing to lose what is left of your relationship. She clearly has picked him over you. Time to open your eyes.
MichiganMan222 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 My girlfriend did the SAME EXACT thing to me about two years ago Except this wasn't an ex, just a work 'buddy' she started 'hanging out' with. Our relationship finally collapsed because of this in Oct '08 and they just celebrated their wedding about two months ago. I agree with the post that says sit her down and matter of factly say 'him or 'me'. Then follow through on it. If she talks to him, responds to an email or text then end it quickly and decisively (you have to expect he will contact her; don't hold that against her-only her response to it). I was lucky to find a new woman and WE celebrated our marriage 4 months ago. My wife had ex's contacting her too, but she tells then all to f-off and is very transparent about it. You know what? Don't sit her down....just get out now, she obviously doesn't get it. If you did this to her, she'd have your sack in a skillet.
abouttoloseit Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Been there dude. I hated it. I'd buy you a drink if I met you in the bar. My now ex, even considered her ex boyfriend her best friend. I just dont get it.
Author NightLight Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Thanks for all of the advice everyone. I am considering ending it, I have been since it all started but I always hoped that if I held out long enough things would change but obviously they are not and they never will. The thing that sucks is she is currently unemployed and we are living together, I don't want to end it and leave her stranded. If we did break it off I would definitely move out and find someone to become my roommate in a neighborhood far from this one. It just kills me to give up so easily, and not to mention if I did leave I'm sure the guy would weasel his way in right away. It would hurt more knowing that he won than knowing that it was all over. This all really sucks, we had a perfect relationship, we have never had any issues other than this, but I'll never be able to get past it. I can't help but second guess any time she goes somewhere. I know that she emails him and talks to him when I'm not around, and she even emails him when we are in bed and I fall asleep first. I guess my problem is I always look back and just see the good times, I need to wake up and look at the whole picture.
lostsunsets Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 He definitely didn't win. You won. She can't be trusted. You don't want someone like that. You will be well rid of her. Stay strong
NYCmitch25 Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Thanks for all of the advice everyone. I am considering ending it, I have been since it all started but I always hoped that if I held out long enough things would change but obviously they are not and they never will. The thing that sucks is she is currently unemployed and we are living together, I don't want to end it and leave her stranded. If we did break it off I would definitely move out and find someone to become my roommate in a neighborhood far from this one. It just kills me to give up so easily, and not to mention if I did leave I'm sure the guy would weasel his way in right away. It would hurt more knowing that he won than knowing that it was all over. This all really sucks, we had a perfect relationship, we have never had any issues other than this, but I'll never be able to get past it. I can't help but second guess any time she goes somewhere. I know that she emails him and talks to him when I'm not around, and she even emails him when we are in bed and I fall asleep first. I guess my problem is I always look back and just see the good times, I need to wake up and look at the whole picture. Well, I think that a lot of things can cause this type of thing to happen, of course easier said than done, but you really shouldn't be beating your self up over it too much per se. I guess looking at the issue from 50,000 feet high it's hard to determine if the problem lies on mostly you or her, but what is concerning is that she all night out and so forth. I wonder is there is some drifting apart between you and her, perhaps you are working long hours and paying the bills and playing the "stable guy" role where she may want a little time with you (and excitement). I think the best advice would be for you to do some of the things that show sincere love towards her, break routine and so forth. I would try to do something thoughtful for her, out of the blue, maybe take her to dinner, where she wants to go, see a movie she wants to see, buy some roses . See if you can get her to go biking with you. It seems real simple to me, if someone doesn't want to spend time with me, I figure out why, things aren't entirely OK, and though love can be hard to endure over time, it's impossible if you don't put in the effort. PS> To all of those who pushed you to dump her, that's fine, I don't agree, if you really think you want to be with her, I would try to work it out in some way. You should talk to her about this guy constructively at some point, plus having "guy friends" can be fine under the right circumstances. Don't assume you can fairly assign blame and guilt.
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