The ex will be calling - about what i have no idea - ADVICE WANTED

[rich_1517]

Hi

the ex will be calling, but god knows about what.

 

background she broke it off a month ago on a "two month deciding period" (3 years together) much pain ensued, much obsession, etc. actually i am standing here now stunned that i gave her that much power.

 

She knows i am pretty sure and its not comfortable for me to see that, but i am more grounded now. the game stops here on way or the other. but i do want her back if only to see if we could make it work. I have not been calling, not sending flowers, but i have been hurting. She is emotionally unevolved at times, this is one of those times. she could be playing games, dont know for sure.

 

Complications:

1. i went to her at one week and well didnt beg but admitted i had been wrong through tears, had been uncompromising, selfish, basically begged.

 

2. talked to a common freind -> pretty sure she told her i was pretty busted up, freind first said "its over" then emailed to say its not over but shes not sure, dont have "no hope".

 

3. she atarted calling, first to offer to help me buy a massage table, then to help me with quitting smoking, then and then.. it became a get together, which ended at dinner we had during week 3 to her saying i havent decided yet, i got sad, she felt bad, i said its ok, she did not want to kiss goodnight. then said we have to be freinds for now and she doesnt want to get my hopes up.

 

4. talked to freind again who attacked me for being pathetic, and said dont you have goals beyond this? I handled it well and stood up fine but it was strange. i was not projecting that image as far as i could see, i wanted her advice as to whether this was bs (the two month thing) and if she really did want to be just freinds and didnt know how to say it. I think maybe she was trying to tell me -> handle it better.

 

5. I put in a week of no contact for me to find work after she said "freinds" and "hopes up" yes i showed that i was not ready to be freinds with her yet and was still hurt, and may have blown it all right there. Unfortunately i am afraid i sent a message of "casual calling" not ok. we will see. I needed the space to heal.

 

Even during the "no contact" week she called about her credit card being cloned. no i didnt have any reciepts of hers lying around.

 

the truth: i want another shot, i think we had problems but we were a good couple. i want the chance to see if we BOTH want to give it a shot.

 

She has already shown she misses me, by calling a lot when she is lonely etc. i have been concerned thats not really missing me because of her decision, just lonely, she doesnt have many freinds.

 

so i need a plan to get her back that accomodates my need to heal and lets her know that i am not waiting and dont want to be just a freind yet. there is no way to undo the fact that i showed i was hurt pretty bad, it came when i was already pretty depressed at having to put my father into a dementia care facility, is there a going on from here?

 

 

IDEAS?

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by rich_1517

so i need a plan to get her back that accomodates my need to heal and lets her know that i am not waiting and dont want to be just a freind yet.

 

 

IDEAS?

 

A few things here.

 

Your above excerpt confuses me. You want to get her back, but you want to still heal, and you want to let her know you're not waiting around for her, and you ALSO want her to know that you're not yet ready to be friends. Sheesh, which is it?

 

Secondly, how do you KNOW she's going to be calling you?

 

Lastly, if someone dumped me and told me that needed 2 months to "Decide" what they were doing, I'd tell them to take all the time they needed, cuz I'd be gone. You can't drop out of someone's life and expect them to wait around while you "decide"....yuck.

 

You do sorta seem obsessed with her....I mean, the fact that you're outlining the goings-on between you both, on a weekly basis.

 

Just because she phones you doesn't necessarily mean a lot. Yes, it could be that she's just lonely in general, not having many friends as you admit, and heck, you're familiar and comfortable...but I think it's rather manipulative and game-playing of her to tell you she needs to be apart for 2 months to figure out whether she wants you,yet she continues to phone you and such.

 

Read my response in your other thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t32876/

 

PS..if someone pulled the crap she has with me, I sure as hell wouldn't be letting them know I was sitting at home on Valentine's Day evening, ready to take their phone call. No way!

[rich_1517]

Thanks Befuddled1

 

Ok fair enough, first off thanks for trying to understand. ill try to explain better

 

1. i do want her back

2. no i am not ready to be freinds yet, so some faking on my part is required ala no contact rules

3. not waiting around for her is acting more independantly which is way more attractive then pinning away

4. healing comes from being independant and NOT waiting around, perhaps my being more grounded will either lead to us back together or away. make sense?

 

i hope that helps.

 

The week by week was to give information so people could give advice, thats all. i had to think to get the order right, and yes i have been obsessed but its turning the corner.

 

Um she has shown she will call even when i asked her not to. during the second week she called a lot, and my caller id showed she had called a lot more than that.

 

Yes it could be nothing more than game playing, not wanting the whole enchilad but still wanting the contact, that is very possible, hence the danger. i have already shown that i will ask her not to call if i need the room to heal, so if i feel that she is just yanking my chain i will cut her off. its also part of the game too unfortunately, its called catch me.

 

And for VD i am going on a date

[Darkangelism]

You might want her back, but she might not want you back.

[rich_1517]

I am dealing with that possibility already darkangel, its painful but very possible that this was in fact the end.