jj33 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Wait hes still contacting you while hes with someone else? How exactly does that work? It sucks to still be in touch. I hate that part. It ruins the good memories and brings back the pain. Im at my best when he is out of the country when I know there is no chance of running into him.
Author 9Lives Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Wait hes still contacting you while hes with someone else? How exactly does that work? It sucks to still be in touch. I hate that part. It ruins the good memories and brings back the pain. Im at my best when he is out of the country when I know there is no chance of running into him. Well there you go. I want someone who is with someone else. I need help cause I dont really want him. I want to tell him to go away but I dont want to say it. It is a weird place. I dont want to mean to him but he has been very mean to me. What is that?
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 A coincidence that there is a thread about this book - I actually ordered it from Ebay the other day! Hope it is helpful, it does sound interesting and perfect for how I have been feeling for over 2 years. I should really have got it ages ago, but better late than never.
Author 9Lives Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 A coincidence that there is a thread about this book - I actually ordered it from Ebay the other day! Hope it is helpful, it does sound interesting and perfect for how I have been feeling for over 2 years. I should really have got it ages ago, but better late than never. It has helped me so much. It has a section that asked some really good questions and it brings so much clarity to me. I needed that so bad. My problem is that I kept hoping an hoping. I couldnt let him go. But when I answered those questions, it show me that there is no change. Now i think I can start working on moving on with my life. I hope he doesnt call me anymore. I dont want to hear from him anymore.
piscis Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Jaja!! When I read my post again I did not understood it either!!! I understand why I act and feel the way I do, the thing is that is not enough for me to end the R with my MM. so my question to you is once you understood and realized why you developed this addiction how were you able to end it or what actions are you doing to end it? For me the book made me undestrand why but has not made me act different or feel differente about the R
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 It has helped me so much. It has a section that asked some really good questions and it brings so much clarity to me. I needed that so bad. My problem is that I kept hoping an hoping. I couldnt let him go. But when I answered those questions, it show me that there is no change. Now i think I can start working on moving on with my life. I hope he doesnt call me anymore. I dont want to hear from him anymore. Yeah the false hope is awful, and there is just no pain like it when you realise it was lies, but because you love the person so much you WANT to believe they are telling you the truth so you build yourself up for a fall. With the MM I was involved with, the whole situation was like a game of cat and mouse to him, he knows/knew how obsessed I was with him and played on it. Literally - he contacts me so sporadically without even seeing me face to face and it brings the pain back once more. I mean, he goes off the radar for months at a time - will reappear, tell me he can promise me the moon on a stick and then just disappear on me and not follow through. I have been though hell because of him As well as discovering what makes me feel addicted to him, I want to know what makes him want this sort of control over me, and why he does things that are just nuts. He honestly displays sociopathic tendancies, it is frightening. I want to understand why he is the way he is.
Author 9Lives Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Jaja!! When I read my post again I did not understood it either!!! I understand why I act and feel the way I do, the thing is that is not enough for me to end the R with my MM. so my question to you is once you understood and realized why you developed this addiction how were you able to end it or what actions are you doing to end it? For me the book made me undestrand why but has not made me act different or feel differente about the R Who is Jaja!?!?..lol Im 8Lives now. Anyway, the biggest thing that I had to kill was hope. Hoping we would get back together. Trying to get back together. Working to get back together. Believing we could get back together. I couldnt stop the hope inside of me from existing. I hoped and prayed and hoped and prayed. After I read the book, it killed the hope which killed the addiction. see, I knew he wasnt treating me good, right, or whatever. I knew I didnt like it. I knew I deserve better or more. I knew I needed to move on. I COULDNT do it. I wanted to but I couldnt do it. Now that I can see where things are, im ready and I will be letting him know it as well. Im excited about that.
Author 9Lives Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Yeah the false hope is awful, and there is just no pain like it when you realise it was lies, but because you love the person so much you WANT to believe they are telling you the truth so you build yourself up for a fall. With the MM I was involved with, the whole situation was like a game of cat and mouse to him, he knows/knew how obsessed I was with him and played on it. Literally - he contacts me so sporadically without even seeing me face to face and it brings the pain back once more. I mean, he goes off the radar for months at a time - will reappear, tell me he can promise me the moon on a stick and then just disappear on me and not follow through. I have been though hell because of him As well as discovering what makes me feel addicted to him, I want to know what makes him want this sort of control over me, and why he does things that are just nuts. He honestly displays sociopathic tendancies, it is frightening. I want to understand why he is the way he is. It is simply cause he can. he likes the high, the way you make him feel, the whole thing feeds his ego. He likes it. I wonder the same thing about my ex. Why does he stay in contact knowing he doesnt want to be with me. What is he getting out of it? Im not going to give it alot of thought tho cause Im more happy to be able to get out than to know what makes him tick.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 It is simply cause he can. he likes the high, the way you make him feel, the whole thing feeds his ego. He likes it. I wonder the same thing about my ex. Why does he stay in contact knowing he doesnt want to be with me. What is he getting out of it? Im not going to give it alot of thought tho cause Im more happy to be able to get out than to know what makes him tick. Do you know if your xMM was aware of how much it was hurting and destroying you? Mine is fully aware, but randomly reappears when I least expect. Has only been about 4 times in 2 years but every time he does he puts me in severe turmoil. Last time he made contact was 2 weeks ago after 15 months of nothing at all; I have taken the last 2 weeks off work with depression and still don't feel like going out. During the said phone call, I cried to him and was clearly very distressed and he actually mocked and laughed at me. He definitely seems to get pleasure in not just knowing that I still want him, but the fact that I am in pain. He has done this from the moment I got involved with him. But you have the right idea with trying not to wonder what makes the MM behave how he does. I guess it's something you can't control anyway therefore best to figure out how you can stop hurting and move on. The 'hoping' thing you talked about, is it true that once you give up hope then the addiction starts to decrease? Is it 'hope' that fuels an addiction to a person?
Author 9Lives Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Do you know if your xMM was aware of how much it was hurting and destroying you? Mine is fully aware, but randomly reappears when I least expect. Has only been about 4 times in 2 years but every time he does he puts me in severe turmoil. Last time he made contact was 2 weeks ago after 15 months of nothing at all; I have taken the last 2 weeks off work with depression and still don't feel like going out. During the said phone call, I cried to him and was clearly very distressed and he actually mocked and laughed at me. He definitely seems to get pleasure in not just knowing that I still want him, but the fact that I am in pain. He has done this from the moment I got involved with him. But you have the right idea with trying not to wonder what makes the MM behave how he does. I guess it's something you can't control anyway therefore best to figure out how you can stop hurting and move on. The 'hoping' thing you talked about, is it true that once you give up hope then the addiction starts to decrease? Is it 'hope' that fuels an addiction to a person? in my cause it was cause that is what kept me holding on. I loved him so much and tried so much to make it work and nothing was changing but I kept trying and hoping. after I read about how to measure it out, I saw that it was hopeless hope. that's what I needed to know. I'm gonna tell him too. you have to figure out why you are still beat down about this person then the spell will be broken
diormidnightpoison Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Another great book I read was "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I have been thinking of ordering Halpern's book.
pureinheart Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 as u all know, I have really do have a addition to this man. it hurts to stay..it hurts to leave. this is a great book cause its helping me deal with all the anxiety,fears, wrong thinking, and so on. I'm not healed yet but its helping me understand what is holding me back. the pain? it talks about and how the pain can be more painful to some more than others. I know when I let go in the past I would feel like I was literally dying. I felt like my world was falling down without him. no other person has ever had this affect on me. even when I wanted to go on, I just couldnt do it.I know that I am addicted to him. I KNOW that he don't deserve me. I know that I'm the catch, not him. I know that I'm not being treated good & that I'm choosing this for myself. I know I can do better BUT I can't find it in myself to let go. Well now I see why I'm having a hard time and what is happening to me. if I was on crack or alcohol, people would be more understanding but when u know u are trying to let go but can't seem to do it..maybe u need some help. wish me well. fyi..getting ready to go on a date tonight and on sunday with another SINGLE man. I hope I can open up to them. ((((((hugs)))))), my advice would be to keep reading (sounds like a good book!) and posting and most of all get your mind on something else. He is an obsession because you are thinking about him...change your mind....((((((((hugs))))))))
Ellin Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Yeah the false hope is awful, and there is just no pain like it when you realise it was lies, but because you love the person so much you WANT to believe they are telling you the truth so you build yourself up for a fall. With the MM I was involved with, the whole situation was like a game of cat and mouse to him, he knows/knew how obsessed I was with him and played on it. Literally - he contacts me so sporadically without even seeing me face to face and it brings the pain back once more. I mean, he goes off the radar for months at a time - will reappear, tell me he can promise me the moon on a stick and then just disappear on me and not follow through. I have been though hell because of him As well as discovering what makes me feel addicted to him, I want to know what makes him want this sort of control over me, and why he does things that are just nuts. He honestly displays sociopathic tendancies, it is frightening. I want to understand why he is the way he is. My dear, I think you have to look more closely at the bolded part. I think this is your answer to why you feel so strongly about him. I suspect he has been manipulating your emotions from the start. It's not 2 different issues - your "addiction" to him and his need for control. I think these are two sides of the same coin or otherwise, your emotions are a result of his manipulation. The question is, what was it in you at the time you met him that made you vulnerable to his unhealthy tendencies. Try googling "vulnerabilities exploited by manipulators", there a list on wikipedia. Take care.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 My dear, I think you have to look more closely at the bolded part. I think this is your answer to why you feel so strongly about him. I suspect he has been manipulating your emotions from the start. It's not 2 different issues - your "addiction" to him and his need for control. I think these are two sides of the same coin or otherwise, your emotions are a result of his manipulation. The question is, what was it in you at the time you met him that made you vulnerable to his unhealthy tendencies. Try googling "vulnerabilities exploited by manipulators", there a list on wikipedia. Take care. Thanks for the suggestion. Just had a look, and I do seem to have several of the traits. On the same wiki page there is also an article about the assessment, manipulation and abandonment phases of the manipulative strategy of a psychopath. This seems to describe his behaviour very well. I know it seems far fetched but I actually think xMM definitely has psychopathic/sociopathic tendancies with his seemingly normal life as a family man, but extreme lack of empathy - and actual enjoyment of causing me pain, plus amoral conduct.
Ellin Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Thanks for the suggestion. Just had a look, and I do seem to have several of the traits. On the same wiki page there is also an article about the assessment, manipulation and abandonment phases of the manipulative strategy of a psychopath. This seems to describe his behaviour very well. I know it seems far fetched but I actually think xMM definitely has psychopathic/sociopathic tendancies with his seemingly normal life as a family man, but extreme lack of empathy - and actual enjoyment of causing me pain, plus amoral conduct. I don't think it's far-fetched at all. There's fairly many people like that around. They're good at maintaining illusions so don't look at what you see at the surface, look at the effects it has had on you.
piscis Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 thanks 9 lives. You might like a book called Men who can not love.
OM1 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 in my cause it was cause that is what kept me holding on. I loved him so much and tried so much to make it work and nothing was changing but I kept trying and hoping. after I read about how to measure it out, I saw that it was hopeless hope. that's what I needed to know. I'm gonna tell him too. you have to figure out why you are still beat down about this person then the spell will be broken I'm right there with you, 9 Lives. Isn't that the common theme? You try and try and the MP (in my case, the MW) says she loves you and wants to be with you and you're the one and you're the love of her life ... but nothing changes. Time and time again, NOTHING CHANGES. I've driven myself crazy over this ... she MUST still care, I think, because listen to her words! But I finally stood back and took the advice of lots of folks on these boards - never mind her words, what about her actions? They don't match! Nothing is changing. She still hasn't left. I'm so fed up with it. I've realized I need to change the cycle.
Confused4Now Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 in my cause it was cause that is what kept me holding on. I loved him so much and tried so much to make it work and nothing was changing but I kept trying and hoping. after I read about how to measure it out, I saw that it was hopeless hope. that's what I needed to know. I'm gonna tell him too. you have to figure out why you are still beat down about this person then the spell will be brokenThis is the one thing you don't have to tell him. WHY....at this point you probably sound like a broken record. I mean seriously there really isn't anything to say right? They should know what to do....I did!!! I was a MM who is now xOM. I didn't have to be told what to do....This hope is a bad thing to hold onto that's cause you are still listening to the words they are saying. This is why its so important to distance yourself from them cause like OM1 says....you fall into the same old cycle. I finally stopped everything...and trust me it's a lot easier than when I had a dialog going with them. Remove yourself is the only way.....
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