READING: Break your addition to a person

[9Lives]

as u all know, I have really do have a addition to this man. it hurts to stay..it hurts to leave. this is a great book cause its helping me deal with all the anxiety,fears, wrong thinking, and so on.

 

I'm not healed yet but its helping me understand what is holding me back.

 

the pain? it talks about and how the pain can be more painful to some more than others. I know when I let go in the past I would feel like I was literally dying. I felt like my world was falling down without him. no other person has ever had this affect on me. even when I wanted to go on, I just couldnt do it.I know that I am addicted to him.

 

I KNOW that he don't deserve me. I know that I'm the catch, not him. I know that I'm not being treated good & that I'm choosing this for myself. I know I can do better BUT I can't find it in myself to let go.

 

Well now I see why I'm having a hard time and what is happening to me. if I was on crack or alcohol, people would be more understanding but when u know u are trying to let go but can't seem to do it..maybe u need some help. wish me well.

 

fyi..getting ready to go on a date tonight and on sunday with another SINGLE man. I hope I can open up to them.

Edited August 12, 2010 by 9Lives

[fooled once]

You have an "addition" to this man?

 

Do you mean addiction?

 

relationships hurt at times.

 

But honestly, I don't get the whole "I just want to die" stuff. Love shouldn't hurt to the point of wanting to die if you break up.

[9Lives]

You have an "addition" to this man?

 

Do you mean addiction?

 

relationships hurt at times.

 

But honestly, I don't get the whole "I just want to die" stuff. Love shouldn't hurt to the point of wanting to die if you break up.

 

well like I said, this is the first time this happen to me. I can't explain it myself but its reality for me and apparently I'm not the only person who has been thru it.

 

glad you don't have this issue.

[TigerCub]

Hey 9Lives.

 

I know what you mean about feeling like you're addicted to a person.

I also have been looking for some books on breaking away from that.

 

I read your post, but I wasn't clear on the Name of the book & the Author.

Could you please let me know.

 

I'm very interested to give it a read.

 

Thanks

[Ellin]

You have an "addition" to this man?

 

Do you mean addiction?

 

relationships hurt at times.

 

But honestly, I don't get the whole "I just want to die" stuff. Love shouldn't hurt to the point of wanting to die if you break up.

Saying what YOU THINK reality should or shouldn't be is pointless.

 

The important thing is WHAT IS. And "love" does hurt this much sometimes. If it didn't there wouldn't be "Romeo and Juliet" and countless other works of art about it.

[9Lives]

The book is called

 

How to break your addiction to a person by Howard Halpern

 

I know that everybody cant understand something like this. Im okay with that. Im a 42 year old VERY attractive woman who has been married for 10 years before and dated lots of different men. Broken up with many as well. For some reason, this guy has triggered something inside of me that I have not been able to shake for YEARS!!!

 

I want to let it go but I havent been able to do so with out experiencing so much hurt and pain that is unbearable. My whole life just shuts down. I know that is not normal.

 

I know I can meet another man. This book is helping me to break the addiction and get on with my life. I want that.

[9Lives]

Saying what YOU THINK reality should or shouldn't be is pointless.

 

The important thing is WHAT IS. And "love" does hurt this much sometimes. If it didn't there wouldn't be "Romeo and Juliet" and countless other works of art about it.

 

right! Love is a powerful emotion. People die over love and love affairs or whatever. Passion of crime....heat of the moment crimes. ..committing suicide...on an on

 

Love can make a person do crazy things. Happens all the time.

[desertIslandCactus]

9Lives,

 

Of course I wish you the best in ending your hurt with the MM, and finding another.

 

But I don't know if what you are feeling, can be replaced by another man until you find yourself (again) first.

 

Remember as you let the MM go, he will always find others to use. You just need to find and strengthen you.

[9Lives]

9Lives,

 

Of course I wish you the best in ending your hurt with the MM, and finding another.

 

But I don't know if what you are feeling, can be replaced by another man until you find yourself (again) first.

 

Remember as you let the MM go, he will always find others to use. You just need to find and strengthen you.

 

Im not looking to replace him anymore. Im looking to be happy again in my own world and not depend on someone being a part of it to enjoy it. My ex mm has a new girlfriend and he has completely let her into his world. I am the one holding on to him. He is fine with going on with his life. That hurts me so much cause everything he is giving to her, I been waiting for so long. It is like being KICKED in the face.

 

He dont deserve my love, my caring, my nothing but I have got to get to the point of strength to stand up for myself and not let anyone walk all over me like this. I feel like it is my fault. He left me and I asked him back. FOR WHAT?!?!? to be the new side chic again? yeah there is something going on within me that has to stop. How could I be happy? this is so sad and rediculious and I know it. I still cry when I think about him going on with another woman. Who is going to stand up for me? The answer is ME and only ME so I got to figure this out.

 

It like im a mercedes and he is a honda hatchback...lol But what do I do? run after him and plead for him not to be out my life. what a mess? Only on LS can you be this honest about your feelings. Friends will look at you like you are crazy.

[carhill]

So, OP, what have you *accepted* about this man and relationship which is *unhealthy* for you? Tell us about acceptance.

 

I've dealt with this and, without conscious purpose, the same MC which clarified the issues in my M also clarified the parameters, reasons for and pathway to *acceptance* with the dynamic you describe. The background is in my journals. Have you tried psychological counseling? If your feelings for/attachment to this man interferes with the formation of healthy interpersonal and intimate relationships, it's worth looking at with a professional, IMO.

[desertIslandCactus]

Im not looking to replace him anymore. Im looking to be happy again in my own world and not depend on someone being a part of it to enjoy it. My ex mm has a new girlfriend and he has completely let her into his world. I am the one holding on to him. He is fine with going on with his life. That hurts me so much cause everything he is giving to her, I been waiting for so long. It is like being KICKED in the face.

 

He dont deserve my love, my caring, my nothing but I have got to get to the point of strength to stand up for myself and not let anyone walk all over me like this. I feel like it is my fault. He left me and I asked him back. FOR WHAT?!?!? to be the new side chic again? yeah there is something going on within me that has to stop. How could I be happy? this is so sad and rediculious and I know it. I still cry when I think about him going on with another woman. Who is going to stand up for me? The answer is ME and only ME so I got to figure this out.

 

It like im a mercedes and he is a honda hatchback...lol But what do I do? run after him and plead for him not to be out my life. what a mess? Only on LS can you be this honest about your feelings. Friends will look at you like you are crazy.

 

 

You are on the right track to live your life and not to depend on another for your happiness. With the right man, the two of you will be on the same level of love, exuberance.

 

As for your MM's new relationship: You are looking at things in the now. You have no idea what pitfalls could bestow their future.

 

And you are truly on the right track, when you know that you are the mercedes, and he is the honda.

[9Lives]

So, OP, what have you *accepted* about this man and relationship which is *unhealthy* for you? Tell us about acceptance.

 

I've dealt with this and, without conscious purpose, the same MC which clarified the issues in my M also clarified the parameters, reasons for and pathway to *acceptance* with the dynamic you describe. The background is in my journals. Have you tried psychological counseling? If your feelings for/attachment to this man interferes with the formation of healthy interpersonal and intimate relationships, it's worth looking at with a professional, IMO.

 

well, Im getting to a point that Im ready to accept what really is happening. I wanted to work it out and try and all that stuff. Now my desire for peace is starting to grow cause Im tired of wanting what I cant have.

[carhill]

Great. Name one incompatibility.

[9Lives]

You are on the right track to live your life and not to depend on another for your happiness. With the right man, the two of you will be on the same level of love, exuberance.

 

As for your MM's new relationship: You are looking at things in the now. You have no idea what pitfalls could bestow their future.

 

And you are truly on the right track, when you know that you are the mercedes, and he is the honda.

 

Im getting to "That" place. The place where is no longer matters. Im happy about that. I want to get there. I want to be able to look him in the face and tell him what I feel and want ...then walk away with a good feeling inside myself knowing that I did all I could and the right thing for me and my future. As I read this book, even tho I still cry about it, it is really helping me be calm and understand myself and my choices. this is not about him, its about me. Why would I want a man like this? why!

[OM1]

Just ordered this book. Thanks for the recommendation!

[9Lives]

Just ordered this book. Thanks for the recommendation!

 

Ordered it! i was willing to drive to California to GET it. LOL. I live in Texas. The good news is....HAPPINESS IS WAITING FOR US!!!! The sun is about shine again and we will be better people.

[Feelin Frisky]

Perhaps it would be easier if one accepts it under a different word which is probably more appropriate when it comes to attachments to individuals who you love or have loved and can't let go of even though that's been taken out of your hands: it's not an addiction, it's an obsession. Who wants to admit being obsessed? No one. But if that's really the shoe that fits, then perhaps you can start choosing to accept that you don't have to wear it. Calling gross pre-occupation with another specific individual addiction is a bit like being in denial and giving yourself permission by claiming disease.

 

Maybe one needs to stair one's self in the face and indeed come face to face with obsession and try on that word. To me and I think most, it's a sober call to take some responsibility for your emotional wellness and the manner or degree to which you contribute to unwellness. If accepting that you've actually developed an obsession makes you feel disgusted, it's a lot better than calling yourself something else which lets you off the hook thereby giving you permission to claim inability to overcome a compulsion by way of a physio-psychological disorder.

 

Addiction is more appropriate in use if you were to say, repeat the same mistakes with lots of different people--they not meaning much at all for who they are--whereby you expect different results (like being addicted to sex, being addicted to gambling, etc.) Just my 2 cents.

[9Lives]

Perhaps it would be easier if one accepts it under a different word which is probably more appropriate when it comes to attachments to individuals who you love or have loved and can't let go of even though that's been taken out of your hands: it's not an addiction, it's an obsession. Who wants to admit being obsessed? No one. But if that's really the shoe that fits, then perhaps you can start choosing to accept that you don't have to wear it. Calling gross pre-occupation with another specific individual addiction is a bit like being in denial and giving yourself permission by claiming disease.

 

Maybe one needs to stair one's self in the face and indeed come face to face with obsession and try on that word. To me and I think most, it's a sober call to take some responsibility for your emotional wellness and the manner or degree to which you contribute to unwellness. If accepting that you've actually developed an obsession makes you feel disgusted, it's a lot better than calling yourself something else which lets you off the hook thereby giving you permission to claim inability to overcome a compulsion by way of a physio-psychological disorder.

 

Addiction is more appropriate in use if you were to say, repeat the same mistakes with lots of different people--they not meaning much at all for who they are--whereby you expect different results (like being addicted to sex, being addicted to gambling, etc.) Just my 2 cents.

 

Different situations can bring out different reactions in people at times. Im not ashame to admit anything on LS cause you guys are not directly in my world but you can understand my dilemmia. I think honestly,,,it is a little bit of both. I have never been like this but this time....Im out of control. I guess I believe that if you treat someone good, you do everything you can to make them happy, you stand by their side, and you do all you can for that person, that will love you and value you and you can make it thru. Not the case here! Im struggle with that reality!

 

All I know Feelin Frisky, is I need to change this bullsht! No its not alcohol, its not drugs, its not obssession to the point of stalking....but it is very much stealing my precious life and I cant control myself. I believe God has answers for anyone who want to change their life. This is my answer to lots of crying and pain.

[Feelin Frisky]

Different situations can bring out different reactions in people at times. Im not ashame to admit anything on LS cause you guys are not directly in my world but you can understand my dilemmia. I think honestly,,,it is a little bit of both. I have never been like this but this time....Im out of control. I guess I believe that if you treat someone good, you do everything you can to make them happy, you stand by their side, and you do all you can for that person, that will love you and value you and you can make it thru. Not the case here! Im struggle with that reality!

 

All I know Feelin Frisky, is I need to change this bullsht! No its not alcohol, its not drugs, its not obssession to the point of stalking....but it is very much stealing my precious life and I cant control myself. I believe God has answers for anyone who want to change their life. This is my answer to lots of crying and pain.

 

Dear 9 Lives, I tried to use "perhaps" and "maybe" as much as I could to not come off as judging you. I hope you weren't offended in any way. I was just trying to frame the difference between an addiction--something which society and medicine considers a disease or chemically precipitated disorder which a person loses power to reason away, and an obsession--something which is consuming but more specific like gross pre-occupation with someone else in particular. That doesn't necessarily involve stalking. Often that someone else can have thrown a person such curves that their own logic and rationale becomes the sustaining force behind an unhealthful cycle of trying to understand that which defies understanding.

 

What we're talking about is not pretty or comforting but harsh, especially for you--the one suffering something you seem to be wishing you weren't. I put it hypothetically that if a person considers the difference and indeed finds the term obsession more apropos, then he or she might want to snap to it in the sense of taking responsibility for the amount of emotional capital they keep throwing away at an impossible dream. "Addiction" is now viewed in the mental health field as having some disarray in the brain's neurotransmitter mechanics which manifests in repetitive pursuit of satisfactions which tend to never be fulfilled. What you describe doesn't seem to fit. And your additional comment to me does not sound like you are obsessed--just perhaps trapped by insisting on sense when indeed you have been the receiver of someone else's irrationality.

 

I've had to peel a lot of these things open for myself because I have had real addictions and once was involved with a woman who had a complex that was very much comprised of obsessions with misdeeds by others in her youth that she would project on to me regardless of my steadfastness at proving my trustworthiness to her. I went crazy trying to reason with something I was totally unprepared for: a person who had schisms in their personality (so-called borderline personality disorder) and thus could not learn and credit me or accept responsibility for what one of her other personalities did.

 

I have clarity now but I am not unsympathetic or immune from being a victim again. I share as a compatriot and veteran of heartache to hopefully make a valid point that may help. My advice is simply be careful what you tell yourself, you might just believe it. And secondly, people can be toxic--turning one's own tendency to apply consistent logic into the force that keeps crashing them into a source of challenge to fair reasoning. Such must eventually be written off as a brush with hopeless illogic and something then that surprisingly has made you stronger if and when you find the right perspective that frees you from this chapter of your life. Best of luck. I'm sure you still have 8 lives left. Jim

[9Lives]

Dear 9 Lives, I tried to use "perhaps" and "maybe" as much as I could to not come off as judging you. I hope you weren't offended in any way. I was just trying to frame the difference between an addiction--something which society and medicine considers a disease or chemically precipitated disorder which a person loses power to reason away, and an obsession--something which is consuming but more specific like gross pre-occupation with someone else in particular. That doesn't necessarily involve stalking. Often that someone else can have thrown a person such curves that their own logic and rationale becomes the sustaining force behind an unhealthful cycle of trying to understand that which defies understanding.

 

What we're talking about is not pretty or comforting but harsh, especially for you--the one suffering something you seem to be wishing you weren't. I put it hypothetically that if a person considers the difference and indeed finds the term obsession more apropos, then he or she might want to snap to it in the sense of taking responsibility for the amount of emotional capital they keep throwing away at an impossible dream. "Addiction" is now viewed in the mental health field as having some disarray in the brain's neurotransmitter mechanics which manifests in repetitive pursuit of satisfactions which tend to never be fulfilled. What you describe doesn't seem to fit. And your additional comment to me does not sound like you are obsessed--just perhaps trapped by insisting on sense when indeed you have been the receiver of someone else's irrationality.

 

I've had to peel a lot of these things open for myself because I have had real addictions and once was involved with a woman who had a complex that was very much comprised of obsessions with misdeeds by others in her youth that she would project on to me regardless of my steadfastness at proving my trustworthiness to her. I went crazy trying to reason with something I was totally unprepared for: a person who had schisms in their personality (so-called borderline personality disorder) and thus could not learn and credit me or accept responsibility for what one of her other personalities did.

 

I have clarity now but I am not unsympathetic or immune from being a victim again. I share as a compatriot and veteran of heartache to hopefully make a valid point that may help. My advice is simply be careful what you tell yourself, you might just believe it. And secondly, people can be toxic--turning one's own tendency to apply consistent logic into the force that keeps crashing them into a source of challenge to fair reasoning. Such must eventually be written off as a brush with hopeless illogic and something then that surprisingly has made you stronger if and when you find the right perspective that frees you from this chapter of your life. Best of luck. I'm sure you still have 8 lives left. Jim

 

LOL! how Ironic you say that. I am learning in this book that I do have another life waiting for me. Maybe I should change my profile to 8Lives cause one of them is about to die and Im glad about that.

 

Well like I said, i dont know if it is obsession or addiction. All I know is Im getting clarification that I need and this is what I need to go on with the 8 lives I have left. Yes!

[ladydesigner]

Ha ha ha Feelin Frisky you nailed it for me. i used to think of my obsession of my xOM an addiction, but it was just that...an obsession...and an unhealthy one at that! Thank G-d I got over my obsession. It was killing me:laugh:

 

(((9Lives))) Hope you start to feel better. You will become a stronger person after this. We learn a lot about ourselves when we grow through painful situations. Hang in there!

[piscis]

Hi 9 lives!!

 

I have the book and have read and by the way I think it is a very good easy to read book and I will recommend it it but I am kind of stuck I mena I can now comprehend what is happening and why I act and feel like I do (I related so much with the anxiety and the infant time) but I do not know what to do to in the practical life feel better any suggestions???

[9Lives]

Hi 9 lives!!

 

I have the book and have read and by the way I think it is a very good easy to read book and I will recommend it it but I am kind of stuck I mena I can now comprehend what is happening and why I act and feel like I do (I related so much with the anxiety and the infant time) but I do not know what to do to in the practical life feel better any suggestions???

 

What do you mean? Im sorry I do understand your question

[jj33]

Im glad that book helped you. It has been sitting on my nightable for a about 2 years and Ive read bits of it but it never seemed to speak to me. Maybe I am so stuck in my wrong thinking that its not working? Everyone else seems to love it. I will try reading it again.

 

Hope you feel better. It does get easier with time. It sucks getting through the pain but you will.

 

Big hugs

[9Lives]

Im glad that book helped you. It has been sitting on my nightable for a about 2 years and Ive read bits of it but it never seemed to speak to me. Maybe I am so stuck in my wrong thinking that its not working? Everyone else seems to love it. I will try reading it again.

 

Hope you feel better. It does get easier with time. It sucks getting through the pain but you will.

 

Big hugs

 

It help me to embrace that the pain has a time limit. It gets less and less. Im ready to let it go and not look back. The only thing is that I have not told him anything. I dont know how to handle him calling me or texting me. I dont want to be rude or all emotional. I just want to let it go and not say anything really.