When the love of your life becomes an ordinary girl

[JamesMay]

Hello Everyone,

 

This post is to share my story with all of you who have lost love. I'm not writing in a state of dispair or in a cry for the ultimate solution to my problem. I've been coping reasonably well lately, seeing other people, working on myself, going out and setting new goals. Good days and bad days come and go and I've read through the last break-up how-to's available online at least several months ago. You could say I'm moving on but there's a slight issue that keeps coming back to me. It's going to be a long post but I feel it might be helpfull for me to put it all together and write the last bits off. For any of you who dare the read: feel free to share your thoughts.

 

My story goes like this. When I was 13 I lived abroad. We used to move around a lot for my dad's work. It was a very enriching experience: I learned a lot of languages, made a lot of different friends with different backgrounds and every move posed new and different challenges. My mum and brother becoming increasingly unhappy and me hitting puberty, my parents decided on moving back 'home' to settle at last. I dreaded the idea.

 

As the moment of our return to the homeland grew closer I behaved increasingly rebellious. I started smoking in school, hanging out with the 'wrong' kids, because I had nothing to lose anyway. But there was one thing that made our final move back very interesting.

 

I met her online. She was a friend of a friend, our parents knew eachother and via messenger we got in touch. We started chatting, every evening after school. She was very excited about my 'exotic' experiences, I was very happy to be already making some new friends back home before moving there... She was a modern day penpal.

 

A few months later we met for the first time. We hadn't exchanged pictures yet and Skype was still to be invented. It was rather scary. From the moment I saw her I fell completely in love. She was very attractive, even to objective standards: tall, slim, mysterious... Everything I -maybe from then on?- find attractive in a girl. Fortunately there were other people around to keep the conversations going and draw the attention elsewhere. She was very shy. It was the first time I was in love and it was without doubt the strongest feeling I can recall from my short life. Head over heels, day dreaming in school. I was going to move back in a few weeks and I couldn't wait to see her more.

 

When we moved in the summer I stayed at her house for a week or so. I chatted with her sister too and there were always friends around, it was good fun. I had learned she returned my feelings but, like I said, she was very very shy. I attempted to declare my love for her and we 'went together'. It was sort of cute. We were both so fridget and inexperienced the whole thing went terrible and she decided to 'break up'.

 

It's all funny now, looking back, but I was devastated at the time. The whole reason for going back home had been focussed on her and suddenly everything else turned boring. And it was. I returned to a regular high school, with regular kids who had never lived anywhere else and I was ahead in class because I had already had part of the syllabus the year before. I started playing music, occasionaly smoking some pot...

 

After a year or so things were better and I had completely forgotten about her. She had fallen for another guy just weeks after out little fling and he was a little older and taller, I couldn't bare the jealousy. Her sister had become one of my best friends but I didn't see her anymore.

 

We both lead our little lives. I had one serious relationship for 2 years which was very intense and passionate. She had some minor flings with several older guys (like i said, she was quite attractive) and later on a more serious one with the other guy she had fallen for a few years before. When we were seventeen we both found ourselves being dumped in the most ugly ways possible. We were both very shocked and found ourselves talking to each other again.

 

Soon after we were together, for real this time. I'm not sure if we were very much in love, but there was a lot of tension that had remained between us and it helped us get over things. She was the only person my exgirlfriend couldn't stand me being around so it was a way of getting back at her as well. What they call a 'marriage de raison'. I was very happy with her and my feelings for her returned steadily. We grew as a couple and people percieved us as having a very grown up relationship early on. Others wondered if we were really in love.

 

The first few months were amazing! We went on vacations together, had a lot of common friends... Although it did feel a little cerebral sometimes, especially compared to the other relationship I had had, it worked better. We shared the same dreams (living abroad), passions (music), taste, etc. We gave eachother lots of freedom and were very eager to make it work. We had our issues. She was one year older and left for college after our first half year together. We would still see eachother every week but I felt a little uncomfortable with her 'up front'. I guess it weighed on my manlyhood. But our relationship grew. We opened up to eachother and were keen to make it work, it was only a year.

 

She cheated on me once that period. She fell in love, again with someone taller and older than me, and kissed the guy. I reacted calmly for I had somehow expected it to happen because our lives were very seperate at that time. I told her it was over and played it out to her: after a few days of drama I left the door open a little bit by telling her she had to work it out for herself. She did and broke off everything with the other guy for me. We went on a holiday together and things started working out better again.

 

Right before I was going to college she cheated on me again, again with the same guy, but I just couldn't believe it I suppose. I was very hurt but she regretted it so badly. She promised me the world, was in a desperate state (normally she is very calm and collected) and she was lucky I was in the best of moods after a long summer off and the prospect of going to college with her.

 

I started out partying my head of the first few weeks and kept on doing so throughout college. It was also our best time together as we were finally in the same enviroment, sleeping together every night without losing touch with the rest of our lives and friends. We would watch a movie every week, having our quality time regularly.

 

She signed up for an exchange program the next year. She would be away for 6 months. I encouraged her enthousiasticaly because my foreign experieces had been amazing and I wanted her to have the same thing. Like I said it was a shared ambition of ours to go and live abroad. But I, ofcourse, dreaded the idea of being torn appart again, drastically this time.

 

It was a horrible six months for me. I was so scared I would lose her and every info brochure warned that most couples didn't survive such a long time appart. But I kept strong and didn't want her to lose out on anything because of me. She would have done exactely the same for me.

 

We survived though. No cheating from both sides. But I was partying a lot, smoking a lot of pot and had grown a little frustrated on my own. She had been very homesick while away and very nostalgic when back home. It went downwards after that. We moved in together but lost interest in eachother. My grades went down, hers went up (she began focussing on her studies more than before) and we had a hard time finding the balance we had the year before. We grew further and further appart. I had to study all summer because of some failed classes while she did other things. We had one last holiday together but we had two major fights in which I said she was ungreatful to me and she didn't realise how much I had sacrificed for her. She said I never took anything seriously and she couldn't count on me for serious matters. We hung on for a couple of months but we decided to break up soon after. We didn't do anything but sleep together and I completely lost interest in her.

 

I thought I would handle it pretty well (I saw it coming for weeks) but the moment we decided to break up I was in the worst possible state. I cried days on end, I tried to win her back, I sent her pictures... but she had made up her mind and it was over, no second chance. We had been together for nearly four years and had know eachother since middle school.

 

It's been 8 months now and I'm studying again. Not surprisingly my lifestyle and grades didn't change much from the year before so I ended up with summer work again. She has completely changed. She started smoking (a habit of mine she hated while we were together), playing the guitar (like me), going out like crazy and her grades fell significantly as well. I still see her sometimes -we're both working hard to try and stay friends- but she seems like a shaddow of her former self. Everything I admired (and sometimes hated) about her suddenly turned around. She seems to be posing some kind of new image, compensating my loss, but it is blantly obvious to everyone around her that it's fake. She looks very uncomfortable and out of touch with herself everytime I speak to her. She hangs out with friends of hers I don't really like much because I feel they don't have much to them other than trying to be jazzy and hanging out with hot girls.

 

I've been seeing some other people, making new friends, going to the gym, playing a lot of music and writing a lot of songs/short stories, everything creative. I'm also trying to structure my life a little more, spending more attention to detail and a regular lifestyle. I really got to know myself these past few months and some parts definetly need(ed) an update. I want to finish my law degree and hope to be finding a perfect girl for me in the future but part of me realises that it can and will never be what it was before. She was my first love and my rock for 4 years. We went through a lot together and shared a lot of dreams. It wasn't perfect or anything, it was just about fine, but I imagine that's how every relationship tends to turn out, including my future ones. It always gave me a lot of comfort sharing my life with my first crush and she was the most important thing for me...

 

On the other hand I'm glad I have the perspective and strength I have now. Although my world has been shaken (and it has been shaken before, many times) I feel it's good for me to be single after so long and to really find my own thing. It turns out to be much more difficult and challenging in so many ways I never expected and thought about.

 

Kudos to all of you who are going through anything comparable and hopefully my story can put at least some things in perspective. I try to stay positive about it, see all the different sides and sometimes that tends to make me a little indifferent about 'true love', if such a thing even exists. But I do hope that when the next girl comes, the same indifference can be turned into wisdom and serve a higher purpose without having me rationalize every move I make.

 

Phew

 

JamesMay

[This Hurts]

Thank you for sharing! I read it all, and honestly enjoyed it, but some parts (the positive memories of you and your ex) made me long for my ex and it caused a bit of a heartache.

 

I feel like I can relate to some of the things you mentioned, however you seem to be in an a lot better place than most of us here. Lucky you, you were able to somewhat detach yourself from the relationship, not just your ex, though I'm sure you still have your rough patches.

 

What has helped you the most?

[JamesMay]

First off, I definetly still have my rough patches! 8 months is nothing compared to the many years we have shared together. I realise I will be asking myself the same questions for some years to come and maybe even on my deathbed. 'What if?'. The point is that the answer is 42. (For non-Hitchhikers: google 'the answer to life, the universe and everything')

 

That's probably the most important part: honesty and talking. I see a lot of people around me who have had serious relationships but have somehow boxed it all inside and struggle to give it a place in their hearts and minds. When they're confronted with their ex or a story about him/her they are incoherrent and draw hasty conclusions about small details, even after years have passed and while together with new girl- or boyfrieds.

 

When I decided to really get over her I gave myself two options: or I apply the above tactic -which may be quicker and easier at first- and end up with two or three pick-up lines about one of the most important experiences in my life and maybe even some failed decisions as a result, or I try to be honest with myself and my feelings and I give myself and her the appropriate time to mourn, draw conclusions and forgive. I'm not there yet, and may never arrive, but my goal is to be able, in ten, twenty years time, to talk about everything we did together with her and a nice bottle of wine and actually feel happy. Even when I have kids with another woman. That is for me the most beautiful tribute you can give to someone. And I am sure my future lover(s) would like me to be clean about my past, especially a relationship that went so deep and at such an important moment of my life.

 

If there is one thing that hurts me most is that she's definetly going for tactic one at the moment. It hurts to see her telling herself strange things, even some lies, just to get it over with. On the other hand neither of us have rushed into other arms, which helps too.

 

Either way, good luck to you, I am very certain that you will be feeling better and if you're truely honest with yourself, you already have! Keep doing new stuff, take a long walk, read that nice book you've been wanting to read for ages... And keep smiling!

 

JamesMay

Edited August 13, 2010 by JamesMay
type-o

[twisted&alone]

I read every word...twice...you have a true talent in telling a story and great insight for the emotional turmoil we go through during the ending of our life as we known it; two months, four years or ten there are still pains that come with ending one segment of our lives an trying to find the right path we need to get back on the road. I thank you for sharing your story so openly...it is so hard but you are right

 

But I do hope that when the next girl comes, the same indifference can be turned into wisdom and serve a higher purpose without having me rationalize every move I make.

 

You will if you never forget what you learned; that tends to be the human fallacy...we forget what it was like to hurt to live without them and often make similar mistakes because our previous experiences sabotaged our heart through our subconscious. It sounds though you have a good outlook and a lot of lifetime to find that true special one you deserve!! Don't forget to take your own advice on the smiling :-)

[GrayClouds]

Fact is they are all ordinary, it takes our love to make them something special and without it they do go back to ordinary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(maybe a bit to much ego

)

 

 

 

..

Edited August 13, 2010 by GrayClouds

[mickleb]

Sounds as if you're one of those that equates love with perfection.

 

My advice is to save yourself a lot of time and heartache and get over that concept.

 

Hope this helps.

 

x

[JamesMay]

Could you be a little more specific? I find it an interesting observation because I've heard that perfectionist comment before but never in the context of my relationship or break-up.

 

I don't want to give the wrong impression though, I do feel rubbish sometimes and I can't say it's easy on me, but I just don't want to remain frustrated about anything silly. I feel a lot of it is how you project yourself into the future. Ofcourse I will probably hate the next person she's together with and ofcourse I'll still see her as mine for some time, but isn't it much better to try and focus on what you had, be positive but realistic about that, rather than trying to minimalize her importance and convincing yourself she wasn't 'the one'? In my case I'm sure she could have been -maybe like many other girls out there- but it's her I've spent all this time with. When I would think of her in ten years time I'd like it to be a fond memory, even if it causes me heartache right now or for some time in the future. I hope that would save me at least some regret.

[mickleb]

I just get the impression that you are idealising this person, yourself and love. It's like you've already decided, despite it's very obvious shortcomings, that this was the major relationship of your life. You are adding an air of tragedy to what was, basically, a quite immature and painful coupling. I don't mean to sound rude, I just wish to point this out as I can see you clinging on for aeons when it's completely unnecessary.

 

I want to finish my law degree and hope to be finding a perfect girl for me in the future but part of me realises that it can and will never be what it was before. She was my first love and my rock for 4 years.

 

isn't it much better to try and focus on what you had, be positive but realistic about that, rather than trying to minimalize her importance and convincing yourself she wasn't 'the one'? In my case I'm sure she could have been -maybe like many other girls out there- but it's her I've spent all this time with. When I would think of her in ten years time I'd like it to be a fond memory, even if it causes me heartache right now or for some time in the future. I hope that would save me at least some regret.

 

You have decided she has set some kind of standard for you, that you doubt you may be able to find again. I feel as though you could use a bit of grounding. I mean, this girl cheated on you twice! Yes, you went through a bit but all the drama of those ups and downs aren't the basis for a strong, healthy relationship.

 

You may never find anyone like her again (it'd be weird if you did) but you will probably meet a lot of attractive, intelligent, interesting, caring women in your future. Some will be more special than others but they will all just be human beings. Just as your ex was. Your connection with her was not so special, it was riddled with a lack of trust, communication issues and sexual anxiety.

 

Accept you own faults, accept those who come into your life openly and accept that a solid relationship is full of hard work and continuous reality checks. Don't live in this dream world you doubt you can dissemble.

 

Stop thinking, for a second, about her life. It's over. She was not the one, clearly, so how 'could' she have been? You are simply holding onto a feeling you miss.

 

How on earth do you know what you'll be thinking about in 10 years time? Why are you planning on thinking about her 10 years from now? You will think what you happen to think, when you think it(!) Hopefully, you will be focusing on what is important to you at the time, rather than still daydreaming about your 'playground love'. What is the point of focusing on the past, unless it is for the purpose of avoiding past mistakes and pain in your future? If you have a happy memory, from time to time, lovely. See if you can recreate those feelings in the life you have now. If something you recall is painful, make sure you understand why and what you could do differently, in the future.

 

You are, currently, dreaming your future away.

 

x

[JamesMay]

Thank you for your thoughts. I am certainly aware of the shortcomings of our relationship but find it a little crude to be drawing conclusions about sexual anxiety and playground love. Many people who know us would say quite the opposite. She cheated on me twice kissing a guy she fancied while drunk. That's about it with the drama. I know it's not OK, but a lot of relationships go through a lot worse. We are both quite rational people and you can count our major arguments over the past years on one hand.

 

When you think I'm certain that in 60 years time she'll still be the love of my life you must have misinterpreted the title. The reason I put 'the one' between quotation marks is because I don't believe in the concept (never did) and the reason I say it's never going to be the same is because it simply isn't. That might be positive too but there's something special about your first serious relationship, just like there's something special about anything first. It's going to put everything else in perspective and it's going to be harder to try and convince yourself you hit the right one this time. Trying to oppose that is a sign of character but not very honest. I'm pretty sure you think about your first serious girlfriend once every ten years.

 

Ofcourse you have to move on. I am always open to new people and have met quite a few in the past couple of months. I don't think I would feel comfortable dating yet but I do feel I'm slowly gaining control of my feelings . I write about it because it helps me put it off, make it another forum story. I'm trying to write it beautifully though, because on the whole it was. If that makes me an idealist so be it. I still consider myself a cynic, my ex even more so and love something that made us both happy for a while.

[welikeincrowds]

If that makes me an idealist so be it. I still consider myself a cynic

 

These may be opposites in one sense, but they are alike in that they are both games to play with reality. If narrating your past helps you then by all means! But I agree with mickleb, your portrayal is nostalgia with a touch of saccharine, and in this context I find it hurts your ethos. I can't trust your good sense, nor can I say for certain that you are being honest with yourself.

 

But beyond that observation I have no advice to give you. Just a hope that everything is for the best, and that you move on to enjoy the wonderful people you will meet in the future.

Edited August 17, 2010 by welikeincrowds