Guidance needed on contact to ex

[HurtinginTexas]

Most of you who have followed my story about hurtingintexas have seen the rollercoaster of a realtionship I went through for 3.5 years.

 

2.5 years he was married with all of the back and forth (back and forth 8 times in that period and treatment of leaving me, dumping me with a text or letter or throwing me under the bus interspersed with happy times as we all have). She divorced him. I was with him for the last 11 months till he ran out in me and moved away. I found out only by snooping WHICH I NO LONGER HAVE that he was talking to exW and wanting to reconcile. I realize he never wanted the D and was basically as one poster said stuck with me as he had no where to go but to be with me. He I assume is in no contact with the exW for a period of time while he is in therapy and they heal or she heals (I can only assume)

 

I , almost 80 days later get an email from him which i posted a week ago that he must have looked me up on facebook that brought up all the feelings again and then I got the fullblown blame for all things wrong in the relationship. He told me all my accusations, questions and stupid fights were all for nothing. That he would rather die than live that way. He was now alone and going to therapy. And why did it have to end that way?

 

Boy was I pissed. Whether that was to engage me in a conversation (I didnt) or get me riled up I dont know. He doesnt know that I read all I did in his email and FB, (WHICH I NO LONGER DO before I get yelled at). He is trying to make all the blame on me. Takes no responsibilty or accountability for his actions and not even an apology which stings. I am not perfect I know I nagged, and picked fights and questioneed. I believe I was entitled due to all the BS I went through with him. the lies. the back and forth. i begged to go to counseling for me and us and he wasnt interested and now he is but mainly for her.

 

Im feeling better and calm. I no longer want to marry this man or engage in a realtionship where I fully give my heart. I dont want to be angry anymore or carry this hurt forever. I can forgive and realize we would never be the normal healthy happy couple I want nor am going to force anyone to do that. I may have learned my lesson about married men. I have learned alot about myself from this relationship and now know what I will and wont tolerate and have boundaries now. i just finished a dale carnegie course and have a different perspective on things.

 

I do want to contact to get feelings off my chest. Not place blame.

 

I do miss him as a friend and have so many memories. I feel theer is unfinshed business. Yes I suppose it would be a waste of words on him and time on my part. Yes its not appreciated like it would be had it been a normal wholesome happy relationship. I dont think hes remorseful.

 

I guess I should be upset I didnt mean that much to him that i even got any inkling he was affected by this at all.

 

I am trying to understand why you all think he emailed. Will I hear from him again. Im told hes trying to get me to fall back into the old game. Do I wait for an apology that never comes or tell him Im not going to want this R anymore the way i used to, but i do miss his friendship and what we once had.

[Jilly Bean]

Just move on already. All this energy you're spending on wondering about him should be spent on your own healing.

 

It's irrelevant what he's thinking/doing, etc. It's over, and you need to just move on for your own health and sanity.

[In_Repair]

I don't like going NC in all cases. If he was living back at home and actively working on the marriage then NC would be the proper thing for you to do. In this case, if you need to contact him for some reason, then contact him. Say what you need to say if it will make you feel better... then move on...

[Confused4Now]

Just move on already. All this energy you're spending on wondering about him should be spent on your own healing.

 

It's irrelevant what he's thinking/doing, etc. It's over, and you need to just move on for your own health and sanity.

Exactly...Man to draft a post like this is enough to say you've put way to much thought into this!!! who cares you will never get the answers that you want from this guy. GRASP that I had to....sometimes you get no closure as well.

 

Focus on you and only YOU!!!!

[fooled once]

Most of you who have followed my story about hurtingintexas have seen the rollercoaster of a realtionship I went through for 3.5 years.

 

2.5 years he was married with all of the back and forth (back and forth 8 times in that period and treatment of leaving me, dumping me with a text or letter or throwing me under the bus interspersed with happy times as we all have). She divorced him. I was with him for the last 11 months till he ran out in me and moved away. I found out only by snooping WHICH I NO LONGER HAVE that he was talking to exW and wanting to reconcile. I realize he never wanted the D and was basically as one poster said stuck with me as he had no where to go but to be with me. He I assume is in no contact with the exW for a period of time while he is in therapy and they heal or she heals (I can only assume)

 

I , almost 80 days later get an email from him which i posted a week ago that he must have looked me up on facebook that brought up all the feelings again and then I got the fullblown blame for all things wrong in the relationship. He told me all my accusations, questions and stupid fights were all for nothing. That he would rather die than live that way. He was now alone and going to therapy. And why did it have to end that way?

 

Boy was I pissed. Whether that was to engage me in a conversation (I didnt) or get me riled up I dont know. He doesnt know that I read all I did in his email and FB, (WHICH I NO LONGER DO before I get yelled at). He is trying to make all the blame on me. Takes no responsibilty or accountability for his actions and not even an apology which stings. I am not perfect I know I nagged, and picked fights and questioneed. I believe I was entitled due to all the BS I went through with him. the lies. the back and forth. i begged to go to counseling for me and us and he wasnt interested and now he is but mainly for her.

 

Im feeling better and calm. I no longer want to marry this man or engage in a realtionship where I fully give my heart. I dont want to be angry anymore or carry this hurt forever. I can forgive and realize we would never be the normal healthy happy couple I want nor am going to force anyone to do that. I may have learned my lesson about married men. I have learned alot about myself from this relationship and now know what I will and wont tolerate and have boundaries now. i just finished a dale carnegie course and have a different perspective on things.

 

I do want to contact to get feelings off my chest. Not place blame.

 

I do miss him as a friend and have so many memories. I feel theer is unfinshed business. Yes I suppose it would be a waste of words on him and time on my part. Yes its not appreciated like it would be had it been a normal wholesome happy relationship. I dont think hes remorseful.

 

I guess I should be upset I didnt mean that much to him that i even got any inkling he was affected by this at all.

 

I am trying to understand why you all think he emailed. Will I hear from him again. Im told hes trying to get me to fall back into the old game. Do I wait for an apology that never comes or tell him Im not going to want this R anymore the way i used to, but i do miss his friendship and what we once had.

 

Just move on already. All this energy you're spending on wondering about him should be spent on your own healing.

 

It's irrelevant what he's thinking/doing, etc. It's over, and you need to just move on for your own health and sanity.

 

LET IT GO.

 

WHY would you want to be 'friends' with someone who treated you so crappy?

 

Why do you think you need to tell him you don't want to be in a relationship anymore? THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP!!! That is what you aren't getting. To be blunt, he dumped you! HE DUMPED you.

 

Move on. He won't apologize (he probably doesn't feel he owes you one); he doesn't care about you, he probably did use you and right now, he is feeling lonely because the wife won't talk to him.

 

Why do you want to go backwards? I mean, look - you are still counting the days since he contacted you last (from the time he walked out until the message on FB). He is a user. He is a jerk.

 

You really need to block him from finding you on facebook and just erase him from your life. Stop mooning over him, stop trying to think you can find good in him and stop letting him monopolize your thinking.

 

I don't say this to be hurtful; but you just seem to not want to be free of him. You seem to enjoy the drama of it all and think his opinion of your former relationship matters. It doesn't. Or rather, it shouldn't. You should instead be thanking your lucky stars he left and be glad that he is out of your life, not thinking "Oh, I miss his friendship".

[BB07]

Ahhhh HIT.......I know you want something from him, a apology, a acknowledgment of how badly he treated you, just a tear I'm sure would be satisfying...........but IF you contact him and you get an apology or something, how will you know it's sincere? From everything you have told us about this man, he is really a very bad guy or one seriously screwed up man, so if you open the door by contacting him, he will use it to his advantage and you will be inviting him back in your life, regardless of what you say to him or he says to you, he will take it as a sign that you still care. I'm afraid you will be setting yourself up to more heartache down the road, please don't do it. He will see it as a weakness, as a way back in, please don't do it. If I were you.........I'd concentrate on keeping moving forward and write the letter, but just don't send it.

 

You've come so far........please don't screw it up now.

 

Hugs.....

[HurtinginTexas]

I get a one line email on my yahoo account from him reagarding a supposed facebook post.

 

I had commeneted on some strangers quote of "my ex recently told me youll never find another like me and I said thank God" I merely commented by clicking on the like link.

 

I get back "nice post about the ex, that sucked thanks".

 

So this is what results in 3.5 years of being with someone??To have 3 months NC on my part and all I get is bothered by this ****e and no apology or missing me.

 

what does this mean and what is he doing it for? Is he bored? Trying to engage me in talk or poking at me? Seriously Id think youd at least say your sorry or some lie

[NancyBotwin]

Idiots will never apologize for being idiots because they are too idiotic to realize they are.

[fooled once]

I get a one line email on my yahoo account from him reagarding a supposed facebook post.

 

I had commeneted on some strangers quote of "my ex recently told me youll never find another like me and I said thank God" I merely commented by clicking on the like link.

 

I get back "nice post about the ex, that sucked thanks".

 

So this is what results in 3.5 years of being with someone??To have 3 months NC on my part and all I get is bothered by this ****e and no apology or missing me.

 

what does this mean and what is he doing it for? Is he bored? Trying to engage me in talk or poking at me? Seriously Id think youd at least say your sorry or some lie

 

Completely BLOCK him. He is trying to get a reaction out of you. Possibly bored, possibly looking for a little summin-summin...

 

He is not going to say he is sorry.

 

Block him or continue to get these kinds of idiot comments.

[HurtinginTexas]

I suppose your right. I am different than him. I have feelings and I have empathy. How does someone leave someone the dirty way he did. Turn around and months later fully put it on me and phrase it in a way thats a question like Im suposed to apologize and tell him how sorry I am for nagging, for feel intuitively that things were off. Then pick at me with this crap. To me its insult to injury and Im repulsed.

 

Its getting easier. Believe me I would have contacted by now as I did and responded all the other times. And now I have not. So something is different. Maybe finally humiliated. Maybe tired. Maybe tired of fighting the games and a confused mind.

[HurtinginTexas]

Ive taken all LS advice to keep posting here when I am weak, and feeling down rather than contacting the ex. I guess you all have grown tired of my story. Yes he is a POS. I am aware and realize I deserve better. Believe it or not LS keeps me strong and grounded. I hope you all havent given up on me.

[HurtinginTexas]

LET IT GO.

 

WHY would you want to be 'friends' with someone who treated you so crappy?

 

Why do you think you need to tell him you don't want to be in a relationship anymore? THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP!!! That is what you aren't getting. To be blunt, he dumped you! HE DUMPED you.

 

Move on. He won't apologize (he probably doesn't feel he owes you one); he doesn't care about you, he probably did use you and right now, he is feeling lonely because the wife won't talk to him.

 

Why do you want to go backwards? I mean, look - you are still counting the days since he contacted you last (from the time he walked out until the message on FB). He is a user. He is a jerk.

 

You really need to block him from finding you on facebook and just erase him from your life. Stop mooning over him, stop trying to think you can find good in him and stop letting him monopolize your thinking.

 

I don't say this to be hurtful; but you just seem to not want to be free of him. You seem to enjoy the drama of it all and think his opinion of your former relationship matters. It doesn't. Or rather, it shouldn't. You should instead be thanking your lucky stars he left and be glad that he is out of your life, not thinking "Oh, I miss his friendship".

 

 

You are right FO he is a user and jerk. Maybe you are right ina way as sick as it sounds. For 2.5 years while he was married it was all the lies, crying, back and forth and drama that I got used to. USED to. It became the way of the R. I expected once he was D it would be my turn and that he make every effort to give me 110% now after all I went through for and with him. My mistake. I should have left him to be alone and get over it. Not hang on through the ride. I cant only blame him as I allowed myself to be treated that way and if I have learned anything its what I will and wont tolerate again. I miss him but thats all and not as much as I did. It just hurts but thats getting less too. I am just angry that the conatct he has done is to poke at me not to feel bad at what hes done.

 

I think I saw Sily Girl (I think) make a comment about cleaning house will bad friendships, relationships etc..and getting your own life in order.

 

You are right I spend energy still thinking how could I not be missed, or will it work out for him and I hope it doesnt. Its pointless and time consuming and Im done.

 

I just enjoy LS advice and it keeps me strong.