worlybear Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 My oldest son is now serving time for his aggravated drink/drive offences. I have not had any contact with him for several months. After a massive fall-out between him and his brothers, as he was homeless, he ended up living with my exH and OW. I felt very bad about the whole situation but had reached the end of the line with him, my own health was suffering and I still have an 8 yr old daughter to raise. Today I received a letter from him in which he clarified how disappointed he was with me- I had not spoken up for him at his trial, I had chosen his other brothers over him and treated him with contempt, but he now wants to build a "new" relationship with me. I was stunned. Until he fell out with his brothers I had bent over backwards to support him, taken him to hospital during a manic episode,put up with vitrolic verbal abuse and bailed him out financially and emotionally. I get that he needs a scapegoat and someone to blame for his situation (bi-polar) but I am stunned that he does not even mention the catastrophic effect his father's affair caused him and the whole family. In fact he doen't mention him at all! I really don't know how to respond.
2sure Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I think many people have points in their life when they blame their parents...for somethings, for everything. And most of us get past that. Now is a good time, regardless of the past, to start fresh as he suggests. He is at rock bottom, no point in wondering why he isnt pointing fingers all around as far as blame. That sure wont help him. Now might be a good time, since you have a captive audience, to show him who you are and what he is to you without all the dysfunction and maybe from there some of his questions will get answered and he can pick a direction for himself.
Ronni_W Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Hugs, worlybear. From this side, it's easy to understand why you did what you did; why you made the choices and decisions that you made. Your (past) actions around your son seem reasonable and logical. But. For this son, that may not be the case. It may be that, for him, there were no extenuating circumstances or valid reasons for what you did and did not do on account of him. By the sound of it, in his mind, you "should have" ignored all your own (and your other children's) needs, hurts, fears and challenges and simply done what, when and how would have served him..."and the heck with the rest of you"-type of attitude. If this is so, then it's his own distorted, narcissistic view of what you and the world "owe" him. But it's still indicating that you'd be wisest to not want or expect him to understand the "catastrophic effect [of] his father's affair" on you and the rest of the family. That is, to try not to relate to this son as if the affair impacted him in the same way. [because] At least for the moment, he does not appear to share your view on that. So, perhaps just treat your prior traumatic experiences as separate and distinct from your and your son's current needs and desires? (Not saying that your view is inaccurate or misguided, just that understanding and relating to your son may be easier/smoother if you focus on the present without placing on it any of the baggage from the past.) I think, if you have the desire and can muster the strength and courage, then it won't hurt to explore if and how you two might reestablish a more encouraging relationship. The way that he has phrased the request and expressed his desire for a "new" relationship with you, though...is it just me or is there a bit too much blaming and underlying resentment showing? It might be interesting to find out what is his current view of how this "new relationship" with you will look, and what positive and uplifting contributions you can expect from him. Possibly, and I hope this is NOT the case...but possibly he is consciously or unconsciously in search of some (new) relationship in which he can play the victim -- disappointed and betrayed and misunderstood and unappreciated and let down. I hope that this is not the case, and that you two will be able to create a meaningful and mutually nurturing bond -- if and when you have the desire and other resources that you will need. Sending Wisdom and Guidance.
turnera Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Take the high road, treat him with respect, but do NOT own responsibility for HIS problems. Do not become his enabler. Right now what he needs is to learn responsibility.
Eve Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I have seen a twisted logic that can happen in some parent - child relationships, especially where there has been domestic violence in the home. Basically the parent can become re-victimised by the child. At the core the emphasis is; you could not defend yourself and so you cannot defend me. Try and remember this when around the child/young adult as they can lead the conversation with behaviours that go around and around and around in circles that repeatedly centre on the above. This cycle can only stop when you stop defending actions and can be seen as a person in your own right. Hope you can get help with this. All the best, Take care, Eve xx
Author worlybear Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Thank you for your support- I haven't decided what to write back as yet- 1st thoughts are to concentrate on the "now" and not rehash old hurts on both sides but I'm not sure yet. Eve I appreciate your response but I didn't really understand it- sorry to be dim but could you explain further? Many thanks to all of you- I think it's true to say that my son does perceive himself as a victim as suggested but I do not want to completely disown him as his brothers have done- I'm just worried about enabling him and quite frankly I'm completely out of emotional energy.
Eve Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I get that he needs a scapegoat and someone to blame for his situation (bi-polar) but I am stunned that he does not even mention the catastrophic effect his father's affair caused him and the whole family. In fact he doen't mention him at all! I really don't know how to respond. Sorry OP for not being clearer. This part of the opening post got me thinking. Sometimes events beome processed with a twisted logic. Even though the affair was the decision of your ex, often children cannot identify this and see the confusion etc as an inability on the part of the spurned party to defend themselves. The logic then becomes that the parent cannot therefore look after them because they could not stop the situation from happening in the first place. The child can then re-victimised the parent who is already suffering, often unintentionally.. but it may seem deliberate because the child will engage in repeated behaviours. I used DV sufferers as an example but this type of reaction is visible in a multitude of scenarios. I could say more but just wanted to highlight that although the behaviour you describe is unacceptable, in his mind, he may feel that he has not been protected by you. Until he sees you as a whole, distinct person, Dad will more than likely not be mentioned.. Are my thoughts a bit clearer to you now? Apologies again. Take care, Eve xx
amerikajin Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I think you should try to keep your ex-H out of this analysis and focus as much as possible on your son. If/When you decide to write back, keep the focus on him. Explain that you tried to help him out, but that he has to help himself too. Try to communicate that you're not taking sides, as in choosing which siblings you prefer, but I think you can say that, in this case, you may agree with a point or an observation that they've made about him. But mostly keep it between you and him, and stay as objective as possible.
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