pollyanna22 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Why is it everyone I"ve seen who's spouses cheat end up leaving..how do they do it? I see it all over the news with celebs, and even in my own town. My husband had an affair, told me about it, and told me about the other 8 woman he's been with, and I'm still here? I'm not afraid to be alone, it's not for our kids, it's not financial, so what is wrong with me? why can't I leave him, I feel like i"m going to snap, it's been 2 years..and it still is haunting me!
Owl Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I would seriously suggest therapy to help you figure that out. If it's not for the reasons you discounted, then it sounds as though there's something within yourself that needs to be addressed. Given that you've stayed with him all this time...what have the two of you done to actively recover your marriage from what he's done?
2sure Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 polly... Leaving is harder than staying, so its not hard to understand why some people stay. More people than you think have dealt with infidelity in their marriages and have stayed. You only find out about the ones that dont. Are you staying because you love your husband? Do you believe he loves you? Are you staying because you have hope that your marriage can survive? It can. But only if it get better. And that doesnt happen all by itself. There is a lot of heavy lifting that the WS and the BS have to do. It is a recommitment to the marriage and to each other. And it requires real and tangible steps. Has any of that happened? Because without those changes...there isnt one.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 We've been going to therapy for 2 years, I also go alone, so does he..but It does'nt seem to help it just brings everything up again. Theres so many reasons to leave and only a couple to stay..yet here I am..i've even fantasized leaving so many times..
young&inlove Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Don’t worry love, your not the only one who stayed. Its hard to stay. I am 21, been married for almost 2 years and in January of this year, my hubs went after my best friend. I thought long and hard for days whether I should leave him on the curb or stay with the man I loved. I came on here the first time to talk to someone seeing I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone else. They all told me to leave him too. I choose not to. I love my husband. I am still haunted by it as well but I am not going to leave when I promised not to the day I said yes. I have yet to forgive him for what he has done to me though. We have been arguing a lot lately. I have a feeling it is because I resent him for it. One day everything will all be ok.... One day....
2sure Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Your H sounds like a serial cheater, like mine. Serial cheaters are different because they are truly broken and unhealthy people. You cant fix yourself enough to change them.
Owl Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Have you ever specifically addressed the idea of leaving him...in your joint or personal therapy? Specifically asked your counselor help you sort out why you stay, and what the best course of action would be? Ever discussed seperating/divorce with your H? What has he done/changed to begin rebuilding your trust? Do you believe he is still cheating today?
cookie2 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 If you do decide to leave him, then don't leave! Kick him out!!!
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 we have discussed divorce...a few times...like when I snap and get upset again. When this all happend he moved in with his mom for 3 months and had no contact with ow...so he says. He diecided he wanted to make it work with me, he was so convincing. but things slowly went back to the way they were, not the cheating but the other issues we've had..at the time all I wanted was him. I wanted him to stay. It's just taken me this long to realize how stupid I was, he is trying his best to be a good father and husband, but part of me just hates him for what he did! and I'm afraid no therapy in the world will change his ways, and that eventually he will do ita again, maybe I made comming back to easy.
cavedweller Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 My wife was a serial cheater...I am so glad I am divorced and all of that drama is in the past..(btw, she can have any man she wants, but, she can't have me)
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 My wife was a serial cheater...I am so glad I am divorced and all of that drama is in the past..(btw, she can have any man she wants, but, she can't have me) How long were you married? did you divorce right away or were you like me and wait 2 years! just curious.
cavedweller Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 polly, I was married for 17 years.. She had 4 affairs (that she told me about) and God knows how many others that she kept a secret.. When I caught her we had a long talk and I couldn't take it anymore. It broke my heart. We got a divorce and I never looked back. I am so glad that it is over and I don't carry any of the burden or emotions anymore.. Our marriage was not ment to be.. So, my story. Good luck, young lady.
TigerCub Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Hey Polly, I'm sorry that you're going through so much pain. I've never been married, so I don't know how valuable my input is. But... I'm guessing its hard for you to leave because you and your H have a history together, you have kids together and that's something that bonds you two. It may not be the fear of being alone that's getting you, but I think its the fear or letting go of what you've known for so long. Its the fear of letting go of something that once was really good. We all think back to happy memories and wish that we can get things like they were before, but there are things (such as affairs) that change that for good, but if we hold onto the good memories of the past, our fear of letting go gets worse. Don't beat yourself up for not leaving. You're not leaving him, for the same reason a LOT of married men/women have affairs and claim to be unhappy in their homes, but they NEVER leave. Its all about being afraid to let go of something that's so familiar and something that has a history. I hope that the therapy sessions end up working better for you, and that if you stay, you and your H can truly work things out. best of luck
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 yes...19 years is a long time especially since we were married at 18 and have been together all through highschool...dispite the affairs, we have so much fun together we always have. We always made a point to go out and our sex life was hot..I have no idea what happend I know it's not me and he has a serious problem, hopefully i can get passed all of it.
misternoname Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Cavedweller and I are living parallel lives. I was married to a serial cheater for 24 years. I found every excuse in the world to stay but she never changed. Finally divorced last year. To answer the poster's question...it's simply about the fear of the unknown. When I finally mustered the courage to get out of my farce of a marriage, I was at first very sad and depressed. Eventually I realized what a good decision it was. Serial infidelity should be a deal buster for any reasonable person. It demonstrates an utter lack of respect the cheater has for their spouse. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life as a doormat, get out! It won't be easy but in the end you'll regain your self respect and dignity. Can you put a price on that???
TOWinNYC Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Why is it everyone I"ve seen who's spouses cheat end up leaving..how do they do it? I see it all over the news with celebs, and even in my own town. My husband had an affair, told me about it, and told me about the other 8 woman he's been with, and I'm still here? I'm not afraid to be alone, it's not for our kids, it's not financial, so what is wrong with me? why can't I leave him, I feel like i"m going to snap, it's been 2 years..and it still is haunting me! Polly - read the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. It will provide you with a lot of insight (since conventional therapy hasn't helped) and hopefully change your perspective a little. If you had said this was your H's "one and only" A - I would have suggested putting in the work/effort to get the M back on track. But I don't think it's healthy for you (or your kids) to stay with a serial cheater. Good luck!
Mimolicious Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 You haven't reached the point of "enough is enough". You'll get fed up. Fear to let go is what keeps you from moving on and sometimes you have to let go to see if there is anything worth holding on to. Good luck and I wish you some serenity.
spriggig Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Describe in detail what would happen if you left. Where would you live, what would you do in your free time, etc?
stellaluna Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 A guy that does this once will do it again. Nothing worse then sending the message that you are okay with what he did to you it only tells him that he can do it again and still work it out. Unless you say no way and mean it he will continue to play.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Describe in detail what would happen if you left. Where would you live, what would you do in your free time, etc? Ok..dumb question, did you want me to describe all that here or to myself? lol I have thought about even written all of it down many times.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 A guy that does this once will do it again. Nothing worse then sending the message that you are okay with what he did to you it only tells him that he can do it again and still work it out. Unless you say no way and mean it he will continue to play. Once? it was more like 10 times, 2 of wich were actual affairs, I just found out all at the same time.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Polly - read the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. It will provide you with a lot of insight (since conventional therapy hasn't helped) and hopefully change your perspective a little. If you had said this was your H's "one and only" A - I would have suggested putting in the work/effort to get the M back on track. But I don't think it's healthy for you (or your kids) to stay with a serial cheater. Good luck! tx..going to buy it today.
spriggig Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Ok..dumb question, did you want me to describe all that here or to myself? lol I have thought about even written all of it down many times. If you post it here, maybe we could see what it is that holds you back. It's virtually impossible to be objective about your own situation--which is why this board can be so helpful.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 If you post it here, maybe we could see what it is that holds you back. It's virtually impossible to be objective about your own situation--which is why this board can be so helpful. ok well here goes..First off I'd probably try to stay in the condo we live in with my kids, and try to make it on my own, with whatever he had to give me, the other alternative is move into my parents appartment that they have connected to there house, they've already told me I could, or they'd let me live in the house and they would take the appartment, i would do what I have to but being on my own would probably be better. I'd focus more on my kids and work,since i've spent a lot of time going to my husbands shows..he's in a a band ( I know what a surprise right?) free time? whatever is left I'd probably spend with my best friend, we like to go out sometimes. I'd also paint more, and take a dance class again. Luckily I don't look my age or feel it so I have a lot of time left I know this..someday I'd look for mr. Right..if there is one! Not sure if I'd trust anyone anymore. and Lasstly...I'd get a dog a small dog, my husband made me get rid of ours....but thats a whole other story! lol.
carhill Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 So, you have a safe haven, a job, a best friend, kids who love you. What would happen if you moved into that apartment at your parents this weekend? Really? Take the kids and visit your parents. I'm sure the kids are well-acquainted with their grandparents. Once you move in there, nothing can stop you from leaving, or staying. It's purely your choice. Continue counseling and decide if your husband can meet your new, healthier boundaries. The first step is the hardest.
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