Opposites attract or destroy each other

[whitesnow]

My bf and I have been together for almost 4 years. We have been living in together for almost 2 years. And now I am also pregnant with his kid.

 

Right from the start, I know we have major differences. It's like I'm in north pole and his from south. He always criticizes my manners (ie eating, cleaning the house, handling things/ gadgets etc.) He always teaches me to more clean, refined etc.. I did try that out for a couple of months. But the problem is I keep forgetting this stuff. I was already such a carefree person.. and I know his intentions are good to make me a better person .. But I am just tired of all the insults, the arguments we do.

 

He has his flaws too but I was at least more patient with it. There were times when we are fighting that I was so mad, we did it on public. It happened again and I know this is wrong because we are like arguing couple all the time. I had to make my point and he wont bend. I might be doing something wrong here.. Please advice as how to adjust to your partner when you are just extreme opposites.

Edited August 12, 2010 by whitesnow
typo

[kountrygirl]

Opposites do attract. I am in a relationship with my extreme opposite also. We bicker and don't see eye to eye very often. We've been together for almost 4 years this time. We have a teenage son together but were separated for 9.5 years before reuniting. Constant fighting and arguing is an indicator that something is not right.

 

PLEASE know that you cannot "adjust to your partner when you are just extreme opposites" and still remain yourself! Do not change or compromise who you are to make someone else happy. It never will work. You are only responsible for your own happiness and he is responsible for his. If he requires that you act in particular ways, then he is controlling you, not loving you.

 

What I came across that helped me figure out why I am attracted to my opposite is a theory on another website. It indicates that we are attracted to those who will relive our childhood deficiencies and yet those are also going to be the person least able to fulfill those needs due to their own childhood deficiencies.

 

So, I asked myself, what is in my childhood that makes me so attracted to this man? I've put a lot of work into myself to fight co-dependency and control issues that I recognized in my parents and myself, so I was resistant to look into myself for more deficiencies. But, when I realized that my deficiencies were being fed by this relationship, I had to look deeper. Only by realizing that he has a fear of intimacy/commitment and researching that issue that I found women with abandonment issues are attracted to those kinds of men and I fell into that category. It was then I was able to analyze myself and see my abandonment issues and the behavior associated with these issues. Our interactions in our relationships are just replaying all those damn issues we never got over in our childhood.

 

It's not always the obvious answer either. I figured my abandonment issues related to my absent father, but recently I discovered my mother, who never physically abandoned me, had always emotionally abandoned me. If I did not see things the same way or acted in a way separate from her she would treat me with coldness. It was a conditional love and even though it's still that way, I now recognize it, expect it, and am not as hurt by it anymore.

 

So, I suggest looking at yourself and trying to figure out if this relationship is playing out some childhood scenario that you have yet to work out. It just might help you figure out enough about yourself to make it work or decide you need something else.

 

Good Luck!

[xxoo]

I know his intentions are good to make me a better person .. But I am just tired of all the insults, the arguments we do.

 

Insults?

 

Opposites or not, insults are beyond the boundaries of "fighting fair".

 

And these intentions of making you a better person--what the heck? Is he your partner or your parent? Why is he with you if he doesn't think you are lovable the way you are? Is he "better" than you?

 

The best strategy for dealing with differences we've found is to let ALL the little stuff go, and focus on the big stuff respectfully. The way you eat is definitely small stuff!

 

Is the problem maybe that he is too controlling?

 

Can you give an example of how the arguments start? What does he say, and how do you respond?

Edited August 13, 2010 by xxoo

[whitesnow]

Insults?

 

Is the problem maybe that he is too controlling?

 

Can you give an example of how the arguments start? What does he say, and how do you respond?

 

Ok, like when we are eating. He noticed that some small bits and pieces are on my placemat instead on my plate..

 

So he would say like, youre like a pig, you dont have breeding etc... and honestly guys.. I was speechless the first time he said that. It was hard for me to accept that the man I was so crazy about would say something like that. I tried to follow what he says is right at first... but later on.. I just gave up.. I cant really remember all the things he keep saying I should do or not...

 

It was hard for me to keep track....

[JackJack]

He sounds controlling and abusive in his words. You teach people who to treat you, so my guess is, if you continue to stay and put up with that kind of behavior then he will continue to do it. And now you're pregnant. Please don't stay for the child. That will NOT make it better.

[blizzard]

My husband and I are opposites down to the core. Yeah, it was exciting at first. I felt like I showed him more of my world at the beginning. Then the bickering began. More so you don't want to do what I want to do kind of things. Which further lead to difference of opinions. Then bigger things like physical affection and emotional needs. Six years later (if that tells you anything), we married. In my heart I thought old love, growing together would change him. I could change him. Have that affect on him. We would learn to give to each others needs.

 

9yrs later, here we are seperated.

 

And I don't know who I am anymore. Over time, the tables turned...he changed me. He isn't an affectionate person...therefore, I stopped giving it. The loving me vanished. I became him. Moody. Self-serving. I just got wrapped up in his world because I am a passive person. A people pleaser.

Now, I miss me. And I am slowly getting myself back again.

 

So yes, opposites attract. But it is hell to get them to work. If you want to spend the rest of your life sacrificing living your life then marry your opposite.

[xxoo]

Ok, like when we are eating. He noticed that some small bits and pieces are on my placemat instead on my plate..

 

So he would say like, youre like a pig, you dont have breeding etc...

 

This isn't about being opposites. Respectful, loving opposites can get along. Heck, EVERY couple has relative differences in neatness, manners, etc.

 

This is about respect, love, and decency. His comments show a complete lack thereof. If you were alike in 95% of ways, would he be more respectful about the 5% difference? I doubt it.

 

If you've been responding to his comments by trying to change--trying to please him--that has only encouraged his disrespectful approach. His disrepect need to be met with strength. You don't have to defend your ways (it really isn't about the crumbs), but demand respect. "I won't be talked to that way. You may NOT call me names." Wait for an apology. Insist on counseling to learn to communicate respectfully. If he refuses...if you can not change the dynamic together....please don't raise this baby together.

[PandorasBox]

I so agree with xxoo! This behavior more than likely will not change as long as you allow it. You're being a doormat, and thats not a good thing. Please do not think that having this baby with him, will change his behavior because chances are it wont! If anything it may get worse.

 

I have seen this kind of thing before with a friend of mine and it rarely gets better, it get worse. name calling or , insults or whatever will just escalade. Resentments will grow and then your self esteem will be so shot, you will then feel you need to stay with him because you can't find anyone better. Thats not true, so know that upfront. You and you child are worth more than to be controlled and insulted.

[You Go Girl]

This has nothing to do with being opposites. This is abuse--stage 1.

 

Next time he tells you that you are unrefined in some manner, tell him that the test of a refined man is whether he is a gentleman, and gentlemen do not insult their SO's.

I'd love to see his face.

[blair08]

He sees you as weak, he knows this, and plays on it. He tells you to do something or shows you how etc, and you do it! It seems if he said "jump" you would say "how high?"

 

 

If you decide to stay in this realtionship, you're gonna have to assert your self more. You need to let him know his words hurt and that is not love. Not only tell him this, but make sure he knows it by you NOT tolerating it.

 

I can't see things getting better here really, but that will have to be up to you.

 

You're a doormat he is wiping his feet on. He likes it, do you?

[elaina]

It usually doesn't work out at the end. Opposite attracts, but only at the beginning, but not long term.

 

Some opposites don't work out, but it doesn't take just being similar to someone in order for a relationship to work. It takes a lot more!

 

Opposites who are committed to each other, can communicate well, and not insult each other but rather enjoy each others' differences do have a good chance at long term.

[elaina]

Insults?

 

Opposites or not, insults are beyond the boundaries of "fighting fair".

 

And these intentions of making you a better person--what the heck? Is he your partner or your parent? Why is he with you if he doesn't think you are lovable the way you are? Is he "better" than you?

 

The best strategy for dealing with differences we've found is to let ALL the little stuff go, and focus on the big stuff respectfully. The way you eat is definitely small stuff!

 

Great advice!

 

It's good to be clean and organized, but insults don't help a person grow in that area (unless a person is in the military.) Encouragement and helping do.

[whitesnow]

Thank you for all the advices. I am quite emotional right now especially im pregnant. Just an update on our relationship.... Last February, we decided to move in with his parents house to help us financially with the upcoming baby. Initially his mom was okay about it... however a few weeks ago (last week of July) his mom and I had an argument about us staying in her house. She told me of what she really felt and says that she doesnt like me to be the wife of his son, simply because, I do not serve him well, we are incompatible and I do not comply with her household rules. She wants us to move out pronto.

 

So we moved out, stayed in the hotel for 5 days while looking for a decent apartment in the city. I was having all the discomforts of my big belly riding the car for 8 hrs looking for a place. My bf cant decide which ones to get. In the end, I had to go home to my parents house which is 1 hr plane ride. I had to fake my medical cert because my OB didn't agree with me traveling by plane. I have low lying placenta and for all the stress for the last few weeks (family issues, inlaws trouble), I had some spotting.

 

I beg him to get us any apartment because I dont want to go home to my disappointed parents also because of the advice of my OB. Still he convinces me this is the most practical way and we can save money for my upcoming delivery. Even though I don't have job right now.. I made sure that I have saved half the amount of the expected expenses.. yet he did not consider this.

 

My mom was shocked upon seeing me in the airport because i have deep dark swollen eyes from crying and not being able to sleep. After arriving, I immediately went for consult. I have cough and colds, plus danger of being diabetic. I have yet to confirm this when the lab test arrives.

 

For now, he still stays with his parents house to save money from rent. Although he says his mom and him are not in speaking terms due to what happened.

 

I told him I will never go back to his state.. I plan to stay close to my parents house. Get a new apartment. I asked him if he has plans to transfer and moved in with me here. But he says that his company is offering him to travel abroad and have training on November. (my due is last week of Oct) After training, he will have to stay in the company for a year and it seems to me he has no plans to move in with me considering the opportunity at work.

 

Maybe I am just afraid of raising the baby alone. If my child grows up around age 5 and ask me where his daddy is? What can I say? He wont understand these things... I am trying to get back on my career... but with all that's happening, its hard and I am an emotional wreck.

 

Also, Id like to mention that he cannot marry me because he is married to someone else. To cut the long story short. He got married around 2001 and his wife separated after 9 mos of marriage. They have no children. We met around 2006 and he promises to get annulment but until now, theres no contract signing (w his lawyer) or any progress. He promised me that he will follow up these things to make the bond bet us legal and to legitimize our child.

 

I dont know what to think anymore. I loved this man like crazy and I did everything to make this relationship work. But I feel hopeless with whats happening and now I see no future bet us.

Edited August 19, 2010 by whitesnow
typo