BeagleGal Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Been broken up with my ex for just over 4 months, horrible breakup, blah, blah, blah... After finding out everything he's done during the last few months of our relationship after he dumped me and had me move out the house, I was furious to say the least. And I found feeling angry helped not wanting to contact him or responding to his contact. Now that a bit of time has passed, loneliness has replaced the anger. He married the girl he cheated on me (and got pregnant while with me) with on 31 Jul and I went away on vacation on that day to get out of town while it was happening. But of course you can never escape your thoughts... Anyways, this feeling of loneliness, devastation and pain is becoming quite overwhelming. I do see a therapist every so often and its helped some but still... to come home to an apt with no one there waiting for you anymore is just sad. I miss my old life, I hate that I'm the one suffering b/c of the choices he's made. I miss having someone around. My friends dont live nearby so I dont see them regularly. I'm finding it hard to cope. Any advise?
wrencn Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I know how you feel. I'm still struggling but this cute little video puts me in a better mood. I love her accent. I hope it helps just a bit.
Treasa Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I know how you feel. I'm still struggling but this cute little video puts me in a better mood. I love her accent. I hope it helps just a bit. OMG, that was so beautiful and witty and made me start crying at work. LOL Dammit, now my makeup is all messed up. I LOVED it, and I don't mind being alone!
markandrew Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 lol..it made me cry too, but I'm a guy, so my makeup is safe. That's a really nice video. I especially liked the phrase, "if you have an art that needs practice, don't neglect it". Very fitting for me right now. When you get to know yourself it's fun to be alone.
Author BeagleGal Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Yeah I'm trying to get to know myself. I have way too much time alone and too much time on my hands and that causes me to think to no end and obsess over what he did to me. I try to keep occupied by taking the dog for a long walk (he's 9 yrs so he's now just starting to slow down), I read a lot, go on this site for support, talk with friends... I mean, I try to keep distracted. But the toll this breakup has had on me and the aftermath has been brutal. I keep beating myself up for ignoring the red flags and believing this man was for real. I can't stand it, I can't stand the constant thinking and thinking and thinking about him.
lonelygurl Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Yeah I'm trying to get to know myself. I have way too much time alone and too much time on my hands and that causes me to think to no end and obsess over what he did to me. I try to keep occupied by taking the dog for a long walk (he's 9 yrs so he's now just starting to slow down), I read a lot, go on this site for support, talk with friends... I mean, I try to keep distracted. But the toll this breakup has had on me and the aftermath has been brutal. I keep beating myself up for ignoring the red flags and believing this man was for real. I can't stand it, I can't stand the constant thinking and thinking and thinking about him. I wish I could tell you what to do but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. It has been a year and a half for me of constant obsessing, and now just recently had contact with the x, he sounded like he was thinking of getting back together well it was stupid because you get your hopes up and now a week later he squashed them. So it is like it is starting all over. I don't understand the need for hoping and obsessing. Some books say it can relate back to childhood and abandonment feelings. I do know it can take a long time to get over someone. My last therapist said it could take 1-2 years or longer. The grief book that I read she says there is no right time or right way to grieve. Like you I am doing stuff to try to keep busy for the most part, but you can't take a vacation from your brain/thoughts. In another book I read they suggested writing the word STOP and every time you think of your X to say stop to try and train your brain to stop thinking about them. I've yet to try it. I wish we could just end our pain to try to live again.
Treasa Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I don't know if you read what I posted to you on July 30th because you didn't reply, so I'll post it again: "You hear about morons selling priceless works of art at rummage sales for mere dollars. This guy is no different. You aren't a bag of trash. God just saw what a complete and utter moron he was and decided you deserved better. I was in the same position when my ex broke up with me. I felt horrible, especially since my ex was no prize. Now I realize that it doesn't matter how he felt about me, because no matter what he did, he couldn't give me my self-esteem and validation. Only I could do that. I had to endure a lot of pain, and I still have days when it can be hard, and it's been less than three months (we were together six years), but I'm proving to myself every day just how incredible I am. You will endure the pain. And you will get stronger. You will realize how lovely and wonderful you are. And hopefully someday soon you'll know that it doesn't matter at all what he thinks, who he's with, or what he's doing." Personally, I find that finding out who I am, and setting goals and dreams that matter only to me, are what make me happy. I don't have to be around other people to do them, either. Ultimately it's your perspective. Everything you feel about your ex is in your head. It's not the truth. It's what you feel. And you can change how you feel by changing how you think.
smk Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Hey beagle, Sorry bout your loss - I think I can confidently say that all of us here are or have been in the same boat and felt those same things... I know I still do 9 weeks later, and it does truly suck, but time does heal all wounds... As treasa said use this time to focus on yourself, take up a new hobby, join a gym, club anything, work out, whatever ticks your fancy, and just focus this time on you... Your ex made the choice to leave so it's his loss not yours, theirs a saying "good riddance to bad rubbish" and sometimes we have to look at it that way... I started running more, and am now making some new friends aswell, and over time those feelings will go... You will have moments where you may still get down but you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on living the life YOU want to live... Do all the things you never had a chance to do whilst you were with him... Be strong we are all here for you...
Author BeagleGal Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Oh yes, I did read your reply and forgot to reply, sorry - I had taken off to Cuba for a week the day the ex got married for a much needed getaway... Thank you for your words. I am now trying to figure what I want to do with my life and how to achieve those goals. I am currently looking for a new job (ex and I work for same company) and I think its time I start to cut any kind of association to my ex as much as I can. Moron doesnt even begin to descibe him. I'm not sure what word (s) to use to describe. There are way too many. But yes, you are right, he's no different than those morons you described below. I know people say that time heals all wounds. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes not so much. It depends on my frame of mind. I think so far I've handled it all gracefully, aside from talking to close friends, I've not badmouthed him at work and I've had several coworkers who found out about the situation side with me as soon as they put two-and-two together. So its nice to have that support aside from family and friends. I've tried to remain "dignified". I dont want my ex, coworkers or his new wife to ever talk about me like I was jealous or psycho. But its hard to turn the other cheek, especially when you have so much pent up anger and resentment. I don't know if you read what I posted to you on July 30th because you didn't reply, so I'll post it again: "You hear about morons selling priceless works of art at rummage sales for mere dollars. This guy is no different. You aren't a bag of trash. God just saw what a complete and utter moron he was and decided you deserved better. I was in the same position when my ex broke up with me. I felt horrible, especially since my ex was no prize. Now I realize that it doesn't matter how he felt about me, because no matter what he did, he couldn't give me my self-esteem and validation. Only I could do that. I had to endure a lot of pain, and I still have days when it can be hard, and it's been less than three months (we were together six years), but I'm proving to myself every day just how incredible I am. You will endure the pain. And you will get stronger. You will realize how lovely and wonderful you are. And hopefully someday soon you'll know that it doesn't matter at all what he thinks, who he's with, or what he's doing." Personally, I find that finding out who I am, and setting goals and dreams that matter only to me, are what make me happy. I don't have to be around other people to do them, either. Ultimately it's your perspective. Everything you feel about your ex is in your head. It's not the truth. It's what you feel. And you can change how you feel by changing how you think.
Author BeagleGal Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Thank you, smk. God, I hope time heals all wounds... truly I do... Its been just over a month since I last heard from him as he'd been contacting me on/off since our breakup. My last text to him was wishing him the best as he starts his new life. I did go back to the gym a couple of months back and am doing that about 2 - 3x a week so that's good. Like I said, I try to keep my mind from obsessing over him by reading and taking walks with the beagle, etc... its hard though. Just the damage he has caused me emotionally... gets too much at times. Thank you again, smk. I'm glad that I have support here. Hey beagle, Sorry bout your loss - I think I can confidently say that all of us here are or have been in the same boat and felt those same things... I know I still do 9 weeks later, and it does truly suck, but time does heal all wounds... As treasa said use this time to focus on yourself, take up a new hobby, join a gym, club anything, work out, whatever ticks your fancy, and just focus this time on you... Your ex made the choice to leave so it's his loss not yours, theirs a saying "good riddance to bad rubbish" and sometimes we have to look at it that way... I started running more, and am now making some new friends aswell, and over time those feelings will go... You will have moments where you may still get down but you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on living the life YOU want to live... Do all the things you never had a chance to do whilst you were with him... Be strong we are all here for you...
BiAxident Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Thank you, smk. God, I hope time heals all wounds... truly I do... Its been just over a month since I last heard from him as he'd been contacting me on/off since our breakup. My last text to him was wishing him the best as he starts his new life. When my XGF left me, it took me a good six months to get over the "numb" feeling. I think the reason that I eventually got to that point was because I was busy with school. But sooner or later, your pain will subside. That doesn't mean that happiness will automatically fill that void, that is something you will have to work on. Still, the pain will become less vivid.
Author BeagleGal Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Augh... 6 months... Well we've been broken up about 4 and a half now, close to 5 months and its not really gotten any easier. I think because after the breakup, was when I found everything my ex had done. And its been swallowing all of that and dealing with the betrayal, lies, etc... that's made it hard for me. I have never in my life have come across anyone like my ex. The magnitude of his deceit and all that is just unbelievable and I continually beat myself up for not having had my eyes wide open about him. Anyways, thanks for your words. You do give me some hope that it does get better in time. When my XGF left me, it took me a good six months to get over the "numb" feeling. I think the reason that I eventually got to that point was because I was busy with school. But sooner or later, your pain will subside. That doesn't mean that happiness will automatically fill that void, that is something you will have to work on. Still, the pain will become less vivid.
Thorgs Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 BeagleGal, look at it this way. It's better to feel alone than to feel anger. I'm at the lonely stage right now and I will probably be here for a long time. Good video wren! Although it'd be hard to go out to a nice dinner alone and see other couples out having a good time.
BiAxident Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 BeagleGal, look at it this way. It's better to feel alone than to feel anger. I'm at the lonely stage right now and I will probably be here for a long time. Is it? We could probably get a decent thread out of this one. Personally, I'm not sure which one I would "prefer", but with anger, at least you have someone/thing to direct that emotion toward. Loneliness just eats you from the inside out. In my experience, anger also passes much faster, and is easier to control. Going running or lifting some weights is a great release for anger. Easing loneliness? There are millions and millions of people walking this Earth that would love to know the answer to that one. To each their own, I suppose.
Author BeagleGal Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Sorry, Thorgs, I have to agree with BiAxident on this one. When I first felt that anger when I heard the news of how my ex betrayed me, I knew how to deal with it and handle it. That was like my motivation or what have you, to not contact him and ignore his contacts (or most of it). With loneliness, I have no f'n clue how to ease it. How do I fill that void, that emptiness? Like how you said, BiAxident, loneliness just eats you from the inside out. I have never felt like this in my life. Then again, I have never been put in this position before either. I don't know. If I had to chose (out of the two), it would definitely be anger. Like I said, I knew and know how to handle it and release it. I "understand" anger. Loneliness? F*ck. Its that plus other emotions tied in with it. In my case, I feel betrayed, used, discarded, played with, hurt, devastation... I saw my therapist tonight and I do feel a bit better right now. And that's the thing, I hate feeling better just "for now". Is it? We could probably get a decent thread out of this one. Personally, I'm not sure which one I would "prefer", but with anger, at least you have someone/thing to direct that emotion toward. Loneliness just eats you from the inside out. In my experience, anger also passes much faster, and is easier to control. Going running or lifting some weights is a great release for anger. Easing loneliness? There are millions and millions of people walking this Earth that would love to know the answer to that one. To each their own, I suppose.
Thorgs Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 See, for me, anger eats away at me. Causes me to not sleep at night too. With loneliness, it sucks as well, but it's more manageable for me. To each their own.
skydiveaddict Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Been broken up with my ex for just over 4 months, horrible breakup, blah, blah, blah... After finding out everything he's done during the last few months of our relationship after he dumped me and had me move out the house, I was furious to say the least. And I found feeling angry helped not wanting to contact him or responding to his contact. Now that a bit of time has passed, loneliness has replaced the anger. He married the girl he cheated on me (and got pregnant while with me) with on 31 Jul and I went away on vacation on that day to get out of town while it was happening. But of course you can never escape your thoughts... Anyways, this feeling of loneliness, devastation and pain is becoming quite overwhelming. I do see a therapist every so often and its helped some but still... to come home to an apt with no one there waiting for you anymore is just sad. I miss my old life, I hate that I'm the one suffering b/c of the choices he's made. I miss having someone around. My friends dont live nearby so I dont see them regularly. I'm finding it hard to cope. Any advise? You must stay busy constantly. You must exercise, find new hobbies and friends. NEVER entertain the thought of contacting your ex. I am lonely too. But it will pass
Author BeagleGal Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Fascinating, isnt it, how these same emotions we feel effect us individually differently. With anger, I just have a mini breakdown, go to the gym or take the beagle out for a nice long-ish walk and I'm alright, I've released some or most of that anger. But with loneliness, I just feel depressed, sad, helpless... I'm just heartbroken. I feel vulnerable. And I don't like that feeling. See, for me, anger eats away at me. Causes me to not sleep at night too. With loneliness, it sucks as well, but it's more manageable for me. To each their own.
Author BeagleGal Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 I totally agree. I try. Sometimes its not always possible but I certainly try to keep my mind distracted. I do exercise during my lunch breaks as my gym is mins from my work, I do need to pick up new hobbies and make new friends. That I know I have to work on. As for entertaining the thought of contacting my ex, I entertain the thought and that's it. I wouldn't go through it. Especially now that he's married the girl he was cheating on me with, forget it. I won't pretend that I haven't contacted him at all since our split but now that he's made it official with her (well, she's pregnant so its been "official" for a while I guess)... I don't desire to contact him and hope to God he doesn't dare contact me again. You must stay busy constantly. You must exercise, find new hobbies and friends. NEVER entertain the thought of contacting your ex. I am lonely too. But it will pass
wrencn Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I prefer loneliness to anger. Anger is the worst for me because it feeds on itself then I get angry for allowing myself to get angry over him and it just builds and builds until I feel out of control. I guess I'm better at controlling the loneliness and in desperate need of anger management!
Thorgs Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I prefer loneliness to anger. Anger is the worst for me because it feeds on itself then I get angry for allowing myself to get angry over him and it just builds and builds until I feel out of control. I guess I'm better at controlling the loneliness and in desperate need of anger management! Thank goodness. I thought I was the only crazy one in here for a minute!
cookie2 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I prefer anger. I can play some loud music and kill some suckas on Halo 3 to relieve it. Loneliness just... sucks.
GrayClouds Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 BeagleG understand it is all pretty fresh for you still, it is like a big rock hit you on the head, so allow yourself to say ouch for a while. As much as the loneliness is real I suspect it is much to do with fear too. The fear of now what. It is so much easier to feel lonely or angry to trying to figure out a whole new future not suddenly has been completely discombobulated. Again just allow yourself to feel bad for a bit, and try to just focus on taking care of yourself in small ways. If you did that, slowly the big ways will become clearer, and that future will be something that began to look interesting not scary. Be kind to yourself
Hersheys Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Hi Beagle I'm in the same boat only doubled as I have to deal with breakup and job loss. I was still reeling from the breakup (March 30 to be exact) and almost a month after, the restaurant business I was in had to close down. At first, the breakup still was more devastating and painful but with no such luck finding another job, the pain has just grown more intense. With nothing to occupy my mind and time, my thought process shifts back and forth to the ex, the breakup and the job loss. It's so hard being stuck. I guess the best way to overcome loneliness is to ride it out. Nobody wants and chooses to be lonely, it just happens. If loneliness can come to your life, it also has the ability to go away in time. I know that all these feelings of pain, sadness, depression, frustration will not stay with us for too long.
leftfordead2 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Here's a quote I found from a blog: “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” — Marilyn Monroe
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