My heart is so broken...(sorry it's long)

[Dan Kohn]

So I was dating the love of my life for a year and a half. I had fallen in love with her in August 2008, when she was still with another guy. It was love at first sight. I only talked to her a little bit, and I even prayed that I could be with her some day. And I'm an atheist! Then my prayers were answered. I was lucky to see her again in January 2009 in Thailand. She was a TA for a wildlife course for our university, and I was working as a park ranger. I loved her so much but I prayed again for the second time in my adult life that I would reject her because I felt she deserved better than me. We hit it off right away and she told me she loved me within the first three weeks. She went back to the U.S. and I got really depressed because I wouldn't see her for 5 months, I was so in love. It was weird because I was completely happy before I met her but when she left it felt like my world was falling apart. We committed to a relationship before she left, but fearing abandonment or that she would move on, one night I got really drunk and cheated on her. When I woke up I felt absolutely devastated that I had slept with someone else. I cried hysterically, but I knew I couldn't lie to her. I told her what I had done and thought she would dump me, but she didn't.

 

I ended up not being able to get my visa renewed (Actually I kind of sabotaged getting it renewed), and in February I moved back to the U.S. My fears of not seeing her again never came true. I moved in with her right away, we started talking about marriage, children, etc. pretty early in the relationship. We had sex 2-3 times a day, we spent all of our time together, I said she was beautiful and that I loved her so much every day...But we were both depressed...And in the next year and a half she broke up with me a good 6-7 times, never for more than a few days at a time. It was mostly because I was drinking and depressed, and missing tracking tigers in Thailand. And I was a s----- boyfriend...she dumped me for not texting her enough, for spending too much time getting high with friends...drinking with female colleagues when I was on jobs far away (she was afraid of me cheating)...and she doomed the relationship frequently, saying she was going to die alone, that I would leave her for someone younger when she didn't look good anymore...

 

In November 2009 I guess I wasn't feeling happy or adored as much as in Thailand when we met. Probably because we were both depressed and she felt unappreciated and said she would just die alone. No matter how much I loved her... I started talking with women inappropriately online and in texts. Not cyber sex, but I guess it was cheating since I kept it a secret. Ir=t was sexual talk...One of the women was her employee. She started talking to me about having a 3-some with me and my ex, and as I was excited about the idea, I talked with her. I guess I was feeling really insecure and wanting attention. And even though I had opportunities to sleep around, I never did. It was kind of a cry for help, I guess. But I know now that it was cheating because I had to keep it a secret...

 

Then my ex was feeling suspicious and looked in my phone and found a text to another girl. She flipped out obviously and I told her about all of the 4 girls I had spoken with. I came clean because I wanted honesty in the relationship, I felt guilty, our relationship needed help. It broke my heart that I had done what I did and It hurt me so much to hurt her...none of the women were worth her pain, and I never intended to be with any of them...And Erin was the most beautiful girl in the world to me...

 

In March I got accepted into a PhD program in Thailand. In March she dumped me again, relating to the texting and lack of trust following (Which I quit doing when she found out in November). She went out of town for a business trip and asked me to be out by the time she returned, on a Monday. I did as she asked and maintained NC for a week. I had already decided to go into drug treatment to stop drinking and smoking reefer (almost all the cheating came when I was f----- up). The relationship was more important to me than using and I had been f------ up 24-7 for 13 years...I moved out on Sunday and was scheduled to enter treatment the following Monday...She emailed me the day before I went in and said she missed me horribly. We got back together and things seemed ok. When I was in treatment, we talked every day on the phone, she visited every visiting period. I cried a lot, she said she was proud of me.

 

For months leading up until May, when I planned to go to Thailand for school, we did a lot of crying. I was unwilling to make a plan with her to come with me because I wanted some time to settle in, establish myself with my advisors so I could get her a post-doc, etc. Plus I wanted a little space to figure out what I wanted. I thought we kind of agreed to an open relationship, but I didn't want anyone else and she said she was just going to be alone. I said, we should be free to see other people in the meantime, but I still love you, you're irreplaceable...She said she felt the same for me, that I was irreplaceable, she would never love anyone as much as me, etc...

 

In April she left the state for the summer to do her field research on birds. It was a horrible time for both of us. I missed her horribly. Then in early May she called me to come up for a week before I left for Thailand. She offered me $500 to visit her. I said no, that's ok just pay for my gas, as I needed to save my money for Thailand. I didn't want to profit, I just loved her so much and wanted to spend as much time with her as I could before leaving. So I drove out of state and visited her. We had a great time. I got there on a Monday and I was to leave the following Sunday. On Saturday she woke up early in tears and we started arguing. I got mad because I didn't want to spend my last day with her fighting, so we both agreed I should just leave. I cried and told her I didn't want to leave her. That I didn't even want to go to Thailand anymore. I got home and was really depressed. I cried all day before I left, and I cried during the entire plane flight to Thailand (21 hours). I was in complete denial I was leaving, and the departure came too soon. I wish I would have made a plan for her to go with me, but I was too depressed and confused to make a decision...

 

When I got to Thailand and into school, communication was really difficult. We were on opposite time schedules and I was only able to Skype her for a couple hours a day. And I missed Skyping her when I promised I would a few times. She accused me of meeting a new girlfriend two days after I got there. Then she started acting really cold. My 30th birthday was on the 23rd and she sent me an email that just said 'happy birthday'. No 'Love, Erin', no 'Dear Dan', nothing. I was really hurt. We started arguing and eventually I got really pissed and sent her an email saying she should just lose my email and we should act like we never met. She was being so distant and I got scared. I accused her of getting back with her ex, who she worked with...

 

Anyways, I sent her an email like a week later (by now this is the 2nd week of June, I had been in Thailand a month). I apologized and said I missed her. She responded that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. That she lost any desire to talk to me because I was being such an *******. Anyways, I kept calling her and trying to fix it, and she said that once I snapped on her, she decided to move on. For the last couple of weeks, she was really happy, and that with time and distance, she realized how miserable she was. The employee I had spoken with about 3-somes went and told everybody that worked with my ex that we had cybersexed and god knows what else. Obviously she lied to cover her ass. And it got back to my ex and she was really hurt and angry, and embarassed. She said she couldn't talk to me for a very, very long time. She needed to heal. She still hadn't gotten over when I was talking to other women, and she started dating a new guy that worked in town. I tried to explain that I was sorry for doing that but that's why I got sober...But she didn't want to hear it...

 

I started to completely lose it. I started drinking again, and then got suicidal. I checked myself into the hospital in Bangkok and the doctor prescribed benzodiazapines, a narcotic (for an addict!). I cut my wrist in the hospital. I really wanted to die.

 

Then I got out and went back to school. Now it's like the 20th of June. I was all screwed up on the benzos and I emailed my ex like 30 times. Saying 'how can you do this', 'you're the love of my life', etc...She eventually agreed to Skype one last time. She said that she wasn't in my life anymore, so I need to move on. She said she was in love with her new boyfriend (of 2 weeks), and that she couldn't talk to me anymore because she can't love 2 men at once. She said she didn't trust me anymore, that I wasn't respecting her wishes by contacting her, and that she was really very very happy for the first time in a long time (I don't know if that means she over justified the break). She said she would never forgive me for cheating and that there was nothing I could do to change it (which confused me because the texts were in November 2009, but she acted like she was in love with me after, constantly until The breakup...) She said she still loved me and cared about me, that she still loves my body, but I crossed a line and she couldn't just turn her emotions on and off for me. She was happy with the decision she made and she wouldn't date me again even if I came back to the states, She said she was 90% sure we'd never date again. She said that she has walked away from the relationship, that she wasn't in my life anymore and that needed to move on. I told her/showed her my wrist and she laughed, saying 'I should have cut with the vein and ended it gladiator style'.

 

I was crushed, it was the worst thing that anyone has ever said to me...but we still talked on Skype for 5 hours. I wanted her back so much...I just needed to be alone for a few weeks to realize it...It was the first time I had been sober in 13 years...

 

She was already dooming her relationship with her new boyfriend, saying he'd probably get sick of her. He lives out of state and my ex just signed a year long contract to stay in my home city in Minnesota. She said they would see eachother on weekends. It's a 12-hour drive one way to Michigan. She said it probably wouldn't work and I started crying saying 'why don't you believe in love? You can make it work if you both love eachother...I want you to be happy, etc...'

 

Long story short, I was trying to get back with her, she wasn't hearing it and got off the line. Said it was the last time we would talk (June 25th), that speaking to her was hurting her too much and that she had a new bf that she loves and I had to respect that.

 

About the new bf...They were playing pool together (I taught her to play, I'm a shark), and she said he wasn't as good as me, but she said he treats her really well, he completely adores her and they have so much fun...and they love each other (after 2-3 weeks...just like me and her)...and she tried to make Thai food (she doesn't cook much, but I made Thai every day for us)...

 

I put myself back in the hospital and then dropped my classes and went home to the U.S. to avoid killing myself. Upon getting home I checked myself into the depression unit at the hospital for 3 weeks. I kept obsessing about her telling me I should have cut with the vein, and felt very suicidal. I was on suicide watch for 10 days and was almost committed. The seen in Gladiator where Russell Crowe cut his arms just kept playing over and over again in my head...

 

I got into the hospital on the 6th of July and got out on the 26th. I'm on 4 medications for depression and anxiety and thought rumination. I'm seeing a therapist twice a week and I'm in outpatient drug treatment again (just to reinforce my sobriety).

 

It's the 12th of August, and I haven't heard from her. I sent her a hand-written letter last week saying I agreed with the breakup and that I was really happy now, but then I had bad anxiety and I then sent her an email telling her I never slept with anyone else and that her employee lied. I also said she was projecting a lot of things on me that were unfair (blaming). She said she couldn't be with me because I chased the first shiny object that crosses my path (with her having a new bf) and that I do emotional 180s (she went from loving me to hating me in a week...there was only maybe 2 weeks of detachment) and that I never wanted to be with her when I had her (even though she dumped me 6-7 times, I never once dumped her). Then a few days later I felt so guilty that I betrayed her and I sent an apology e-card to ask forgiveness for embarrassing and betraying her.

 

So it's August 12th, and I haven't heard anything from her since June 25th. About 45(?) days or so. I just sent those letters last week. I know she's coming home to Minnesota at the end of August to fulfill her year-long contract. when we last talked, I told her I was too depressed to live, that I was suicidal and that I needed to go home to survive the breakup. She said she was afraid that if I came home from Thailand, I would bully her or guilt her into getting back together. And that everyone would blame her for my leaving school...She asked me to get my name off our lease here in the U.S. I called and the landlord said it didn't matter because she wil be moving out of the place when she gets back...

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm still crying like every day. She has a new boyfriend and is probably sleeping with him every night. I have girls hitting on me and I can't even imagine hooking up with them. I feel hopeless and I'm scared she'll never call me or talk to me again.

 

I screwed up and broke NC on Monday...I sent her like 18 texts saying I missed her and that I was hurting and suffering and I wish she would talk to me...

 

She hasn't spoken to me in 6 weeks. I haven't been with her in person for three months.

 

I'm suffering so much...I've been an atheist my whole life, but now it seems like all I do all day is pray for her to be safe, for her to be happy, and for her to forgive me and come back...

 

I 'm having such a hard time moving on...I wish I would have never left to go to Thailand...

 

I miss her so much

[BiAxident]

If nothing else, there are several positives to take away from this story, the most important one being that you have sought serious help for your serious issues. Second, you have/had a passion and a path, being your PhD program. Third, you have other women hitting on you.

 

She may never call again, and you may never see her again. However, you know better than I from your travels that there are over six billion people occupying this planet. Take away all the men, all the people who dont speak your language, and you're still left with a lot of possibilities.

 

Russell Crowe at least did a LOT of fighting before that particular scene in Gladiator. You've done a lot of fighting for yourself by seeking out professional treatment. You are doing the right things. Keep posting on this site... though maybe make shorter posts in the future

[Dan Kohn]

I feel like there is no way I'll ever get back with her...

 

The strange thing is, I treated her better than anyone I've ever been with, and I dumped them...

 

How do rednecks and wife beaters keep their women with them?

[Jamie_w]

I couldnt read all of that mate, i did try but it was a bit long.

 

The bits i took away from it were

 

1) You thought from the start she was too good for you. No woman is EVER going to be attracted to a guy they think doesnt think they are good enough.

If you dont believe you are, you dont deserve them

 

2) You were ****ing around on the net with girls. If you do this then you have to be prepared to take what comes to you

 

3) Suicide stuff. Come on dude. Man up. I know its hard. I got dumped 5 days ago but i tell you one thing. NO ONE is going to lose me 1 single day on this planet. Il sit and cry for no one. I care about survival and i know the one thing that will make my ex want me, and wish she hadnt acted like a Bitch, and thats me being the best person i can be.

 

Accept that you arent going t get back with her. You can't undo anything at this stage. Its like drowning. Apparently its the best way to die as after a minute you accept it and gain peace.

 

Accept what YOU did, get used to the pain you feel and deal with it. its ONLY pain, its ONLY a sinking feeling in your stomach.

[Dan Kohn]

1.) Apparently she was, we stayed together for a year and a half

 

2.) I talked to a couple of girls a handful of times...Anybody can be tempted to cheat, especially if the relationship is rocky...The important thing is that those girls gave me opportunities to go and have sex with them and I never did. I'm not perfect, but what I did ranks pretty low on the cheat-o-meter

 

3.) Suicide stuff...man up? Wow are you ignorant...Good for you for not suffering from depression, a deadly disease that makes you OBSESS about suicide when it gets bad...hence the invention of anti-depressants.

 

Douchebaggery is afoot in your reply...