Author BiAxident Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 I would never do a dating/living together-> friends with benefits ->dating again. No way in hell. What brought about the fwb? She found someone she liked more and "upgraded"? I would break up with her. After she broke up with me back in 2008, I initiated strict NC. After a little more than two years, I decided that I was feeling secure enough to at least talk with her, so I called her up on a Friday afternoon. During the course of that conversation, she invited me over to her place to hang out. So, I drove over, we played board games and hung out, and after 6 hours or so, she proposed that we "have some fun". So we did. It was fun enough that she kept inviting me over, so it became FWB. Until this thread started, we had spent every weekend together. Now we are entering the third weekend in a row apart.
meerkat stew Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Thanks for the added detail. It seems you two have a long history, lots of water under the bridge. When people get back together after a breakup, the usual advice is that it is a new relationship, not a continuation of the old. In your case, that may or may not apply and no one here can really help with that determination as it is very subjective and dependent on the facts of the relationship at hand, key to that is how she perceives things. This is a discussion you two need to have soon, as it will help clarify your respective feelings on the matter.
Author BiAxident Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 Thanks for the added detail. It seems you two have a long history, lots of water under the bridge. When people get back together after a breakup, the usual advice is that it is a new relationship, not a continuation of the old. In your case, that may or may not apply and no one here can really help with that determination as it is very subjective and dependent on the facts of the relationship at hand, key to that is how she perceives things. This is a discussion you two need to have soon, as it will help clarify your respective feelings on the matter. I'm not sure I follow how the issue of "old versus new" comes into play here? Either way she views it, she has still known me for a long time. She fell out of love with me before, and doesnt know if she'll be able to fall in love with me again. I suppose it isn't all that different from where most couples find themselves at one point or another. The problem for me going forward is to avoid a self-fulfilling prophecy where-in, because I know she is evaluating our relationship, I act fearful of being left again, and our time together simply becomes akward and cumbersome. If I broach the topic the next time I see her, it could very well spell the end of the whole situation. It has turned into a balancing act.
mortensorchid Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 This is obviously upsetting you to such a point that you felt the need to share it with others. Is it about you or is it about her? Ask yourself that. Otherwise I think you should just ride it out until she returns. If she is still strange after she has returned, then you have a real problem. Otherwise at this point there is nothing to be really concerned about.
Author BiAxident Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 This is obviously upsetting you to such a point that you felt the need to share it with others. Is it about you or is it about her? Ask yourself that. Otherwise I think you should just ride it out until she returns. If she is still strange after she has returned, then you have a real problem. Otherwise at this point there is nothing to be really concerned about. "It" is about my relationship with her, so it involves the both of us. I'm not really sure what I would be asking myself, in that regard? At this point, my only choices are to walk away, or ride it out. Given that I've been pining after this woman for the better part of 10 years, and have good reason to believe that we would be happy together, I'm planning on riding it out. It isn't so much that she has been acting "strange". Rather, it is that, while on the other side of the country, she 180'd on me in regard to her feelings about "us" going forward. Two weeks ago it was "I love you, I want to get married and spend the rest of my life with you". Now, it is "I'm not in love with you, I'm having doubts about our relationship, and I want more time to myself". I would say that is a valid cause for concern, no?
dispatch3d Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I would break up with her. If you switched the roles, almost no girl in the world would put up with the **** you just put up with. And on top of that she isn't apologizing or anything. She's being defensive and justifying all the bull**** you've gone through. I really would just breakup and stop wasting my time on a defunct relationship. I would literally need to see a total 180 from her attitude to turn the thing around. Definitely has not happened. My 2 cents. Last call of me telling you to break up with her .
dispatch3d Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 if you want more perspective, go to the attraction forums, hit the relationship section and post your story. They give good advice over there.
Author BiAxident Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 I would break up with her. If you switched the roles, almost no girl in the world would put up with the **** you just put up with. And on top of that she isn't apologizing or anything. She's being defensive and justifying all the bull**** you've gone through. I really would just breakup and stop wasting my time on a defunct relationship. I would literally need to see a total 180 from her attitude to turn the thing around. Definitely has not happened. For her part, she did apologize for hurting me with the lack of contact while she was on vacation. Whether or not a woman would put up with the limited contact, I dont know. However, I do know that she would put up, and has put up with me changing my mind about important things regarding out relationship -- specifically me waffling twice about moving in with her, once in '06 and again in '07, before finally doing it. It hurt her badly, but she didn't break up with me over it. Thus, it seems like it'd be rather foolish of me to break up with her because she isn't willing to commit to marriage after five weeks of dating, or because she didn't call much over the course of a week? I can't see that being an adequate reason for leaving someone you want to marry? As always, thanks for the reply.
spookie Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 and have good reason to believe that we would be happy together Really? I'm not seeing it. It's apparent you love her and she probably loves you but that doesn't mean you guys should be together.
Author BiAxident Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Really? I'm not seeing it. It's apparent you love her and she probably loves you but that doesn't mean you guys should be together. No, that in itself does not mean that we "should" be together. We are, however, highly compatible, make each other laugh, and enjoy each others company. Seemingly, the only issue right now is the matter of infatuation, which I am feeling and she is not. This raises the question, though. When "should" two people be together?
Pink Cupcakes Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I would not respond to her for a while when she returns. She was inviting you to her place when you first got together 5 weeks ago because she had a dry spell and was using you for sex and companionship. In the five weeks, you are seeing it as a serious couple, she really isn't. The sex clouded her judgment, now she is at the reality of the situation, she's not in love yet has a boyfriend. That is what she meant by the smothering part. The only way she will come close to falling back in love with you is if you keep a distance. might be hard, but she has to miss you. That means not seeing her and being busy, even after she returns. Take a few days to get together and even return her phone calls. Give her that space she wanted and make her wonder if you didn't go out and meet a hotter chick, and are now hanging out with her. Unfortunately her family has probably also talked to her and don't think you are much of a catch. That can mean a lot to a girl, what her parents think of you as a future prospect.
Author BiAxident Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 We first got together back in the beginning of April. She spent May and June trying to convince me to give the relationship another shot. Once I did, we started talking about marriage and then a week-or-so after that she began pulling back. She had ten days away from me, half-a-day with me, and now another five days away from me. However, the first ten days she was busy with her family, the other five she's spending having a blast at a music festival. Thus, I doubt she'll be missing me all too much. Maybe when she gets back to an empty apartment. However, her family, at least parents are strictly in my corner. When her mother found out that we were dating again, she started crying because she was so happy. This doesn't figure into her consideration, though, as she has infrequent contact at best with her parents.
Author BiAxident Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 Well.. my current and soon to be ex-GF called me about a half-hour ago, having just left the music festival where she has been staying since Wednesday night. She said that I should call her later because she "needs to talk to me". I see no way that is going to end well. The last time I saw her, we kissed and she said that she loved me. Now, I'm about 8 hours away from being dumped. How the hell a woman can go 180 like this in the matter of a week, I'll never understand.
spookie Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 *yawn* if you had any self-respect, you'd be long-gone.
Cobra_X Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Well.. my current and soon to be ex-GF called me about a half-hour ago, having just left the music festival where she has been staying since Wednesday night. She said that I should call her later because she "needs to talk to me". I see no way that is going to end well. The last time I saw her, we kissed and she said that she loved me. Now, I'm about 8 hours away from being dumped. How the hell a woman can go 180 like this in the matter of a week, I'll never understand. You had all the signs this was going to happen weeks ago! She only brought you back into her life because she was lonely and maybe a little bored. You absolutely know for fact that she lies through her teeth about caring for you, because she always treats you like dirt. The fact is that you feel very low because your career sucks... and because of that your willing to eat crap to keep this girl around. If you married her it would be the greatest mistake of your life. I'm warning you on that. Don't answer her calls. Just text her that she is shallow, selfish, you can do much better and your done with her.
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