Am I Over Reacting?

[Scorpio13c]

So, essentially, dont get dumped because hanging out with her now is akward giving that I know we are on entirely different planes of affection? I really dont know how I am going to be anything OTHER than depressed around her when I see her next. Its going to be akward and unpleasant, and will probably accelerate the dissolution of the entire relationship.

 

How would you go about preventing his self-fulfilling prophecy?

 

There is no way, I'm sorry to tell you pal, but it's over. You can continue to lower yourself & extend the inevitable, or you can take the pain pill now, dump her A.S.A.P. & retain your dignity.

I feel for you, but the latter is your best choice.

 

Good luck man!

 

Scorp

[FearandLoathing]

It's fairly obvious that she already has/is. So sorry you have been treated so miserably. Early replies in this thread blow my mind. Three days of no response whatsoever to an exclusive SO is a blatantly hostile act which would cause anyone extreme stress, exacerbated by the distance and travel anxiety. It's just not done. Maybe with someone you've had a few dates with and aren't exclusive with, but an SO who is asking you for MARRIAGE? Regardless of what some say here, never feel bad or weak for not eating or sleeping. Her behavior in ignoring you was disgusting.

 

If I ever told an exclusive GF, or for that matter any woman I've ever known, that the reason I haven't returned her calls in three days was that I have been "busy" while on a trip, the next sound I heard would be a click, and that would likely be the last sound I ever heard from that person. There's really no further analysis possible. The only excuse would be some sort of extreme trekking totally away from civilization.

 

Dump this rude, manipulative shrew yesterday. Don't listen to anyone who says "give her space," or "she is just having some cold feet," or any other such. Dump and move on. This person is selfish, fickle, and emotionally abusive and you can do far better than to have someone like that in your life.

 

Co-sign.

 

Please do not make excuses or set yourself up to be hurt further by this girl. You may love her and believer her to be different but the facts are that she has dumped you previously, with no warning, and was talking to other guys while ignoring you.

 

Believe me when I say I have been in this situation, and have heard the exact same things about loving but not being "in love" and all that came of it was months of heartache while I was used and led to believe that he still loved me and was trying to be "in love" with me... all while searching for someone better.

 

I wish I had avoided the pain of being used and toyed with by immediately exiting the relationship fully when he told me that. It is too much pain to get involved in a situation like that, please believe me.

 

Nothing about this is easy, nothing about it will be easy in the coming time, but you need to make this decision for yourself now. I wish I could sincerely tell you that she could fall in love with you and everything could be alright...if she's not in love with you after dating you twice, it's not going to happen

 

I'm so sorry that your suspicions proved to be correct. Just please take this time to do what is best for you; emotions can be very illogical. Time is a necessity.

[BiAxident]

Co-sign.

Nothing about this is easy, nothing about it will be easy in the coming time, but you need to make this decision for yourself now. I wish I could sincerely tell you that she could fall in love with you and everything could be alright...if she's not in love with you after dating you twice, it's not going to happen

 

I'm so sorry that your suspicions proved to be correct. Just please take this time to do what is best for you; emotions can be very illogical. Time is a necessity.

 

Well, time is about to run out soon. She is supposed to get back into town sometime tomorrow afternoon. The plan was for her to contact me if she needed a ride, but I havent heard anything and dont suspect I shall. On the other hand, her car and keys are at my place, and I wont be out of work until several hours after she gets in.

 

She actually took the time to type a two sentence e-mail to me on Friday night, the night after she told me about her doubts. Called me "honey" and signed it "love", and said that she hoped I had a good day! A day that consisted of liquor and tears! Great day!

 

I have no idea what to expect other than bad things. I suppose if nothing else, it will all be over with. What do you say to someone who has done this? I dont even know if I want to know why she did what she did!

[meerkat stew]

Will be interested to hear how this develops further. Would have dumped her by now and moved her car back to her place and had all her stuff out of my place, boxed and in her place waiting for her, but can certainly see other ways of handling this. Hope my hunches are wrong. Please keep us posted.

[Lotus Flower]

I don't think you're overreacting or being clingy at all!! I mean, she should want to feel to call or message you maybe in the evening or just even once a day to tell you how she's getting on, share her day to day fun etc with you...I know I would call my partner or atleast mesage him....I would actually want to know how he was too so that's another reason why she should be keeping in touch....

 

I know it sounds harsh but if she's still away AND I SO KNOW THIS WON;T BE EASY you should do the same to her! I don't ever believe in playing mind games but just to see how she takes it and if she trully cares then she'll be really keen to get hold of you if you don;t answer her for a couple of days...

 

She could simply be super comfortable and content within the relationship but I can see where you're coming from. Just turn the table for a day or 2 as you have nothing to lose!!! he can;t expect you to be avl everytime she calls.

 

Also, the fact that she has the time to reply to others on face book it a little rude!! she should be keeping in touch with you too.

 

Good luck!

[BiAxident]

Will be interested to hear how this develops further. Would have dumped her by now and moved her car back to her place and had all her stuff out of my place, boxed and in her place waiting for her, but can certainly see other ways of handling this. Hope my hunches are wrong. Please keep us posted.

 

Not a bad idea. The only problem is that we live 40 miles apart, so getting back home after dropping her car off would have been a hassle. However, I do have all the stuff she kept at my place nice and organized in her car.

 

Whatever your hunches are at this point, they probably arent too far off! I've tried to mentally prepare myself for whatever.

[BiAxident]

I know it sounds harsh but if she's still away AND I SO KNOW THIS WON;T BE EASY you should do the same to her! I don't ever believe in playing mind games but just to see how she takes it and if she trully cares then she'll be really keen to get hold of you if you don;t answer her for a couple of days...

 

Havent had any contact with her since the chat where she crushed my heart. That didn't make any difference. If she cared so little about me last week that she couldn't take the time to call and say 'hi', after she was talking about ring prices two weeks ago, I can only imagine what she must think of me this week. I just want the whole ordeal done with.

 

As always, thanks for the reply.

[sugarmomma]

Is she back yet?

[BiAxident]

Is she back yet?

 

Nope, sometime tomorrow afternoon, though I work until the evening anyways. Meh, sounds like a fine time to rewatch the second season of Breaking Bad!

[FearandLoathing]

Well, time is about to run out soon. She is supposed to get back into town sometime tomorrow afternoon. The plan was for her to contact me if she needed a ride, but I havent heard anything and dont suspect I shall. On the other hand, her car and keys are at my place, and I wont be out of work until several hours after she gets in.

 

She actually took the time to type a two sentence e-mail to me on Friday night, the night after she told me about her doubts. Called me "honey" and signed it "love", and said that she hoped I had a good day! A day that consisted of liquor and tears! Great day!

 

I have no idea what to expect other than bad things. I suppose if nothing else, it will all be over with. What do you say to someone who has done this? I dont even know if I want to know why she did what she did!

 

Telling you she is unsure if she's in love with you and then calling you honey is pretty inconsiderate and an obvious mind game.

I'm sorry but this won't just end cleanly, unless you tell her that she can't contact you if she's going to be sending you mixed and hurtful signals. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

 

In the end, you're going to do what you want to do but keep in mind that "staying" with someone who is going to be playing games with your heart and mind is not someone who you should seriously be considering keeping in your life. People don't change unless they have a serious motivation to do so, on their own. If she's done this before, she'll do it again -remember.

 

I know this is very hard, but please do what is best for you...it will make it easier to get over if that's what you have to do

[BiAxident]

Telling you she is unsure if she's in love with you and then calling you honey is pretty inconsiderate and an obvious mind game.

I'm sorry but this won't just end cleanly, unless you tell her that she can't contact you if she's going to be sending you mixed and hurtful signals. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

 

Yeah, "mind game" is pretty much how I labeled it myself. Then again, she is a psychologist who has said, albeit in passing/joking, that she needs to visit a therapist.

 

At any rate, she left a voice-mail and facebook message last night stating that she wont need a ride home from the airport and asked me to leave her keys under her car. I've already taken the step of gathering up all the stuff she had here and putting it in her car, although she didn't ask me to do so.

 

She also said that she hopes she gets to see me tonight and asked me to call and tell her when I would be making it over to her place. When we had our chat online, I told her I suspected she was going to dump me on the day she got back. She replied trying to assure me that we are still a couple and that she wouldn't be dumping me Tuesday.

 

So, better to get dumped in person where I can at least ask her questions face to face, or better to avoid her and find out via a long winded e-mail message or when her facebook status changes?

[FearandLoathing]

She replied trying to assure me that we are still a couple and that she wouldn't be dumping me Tuesday.

 

So, better to get dumped in person where I can at least ask her questions face to face, or better to avoid her and find out via a long winded e-mail message or when her facebook status changes?

 

I hope when she returns (although I guess she has by now and I'm too late) that you ask her some questions about why she would say those things and go on as if everything was normal. Don't let her make excuses or lie to get out of or around something.

 

Well, whatever happens (happened?) I hope that everything works out for you in the end. Just know that you're better than any mind game and if that's what your relationship will be while she figures herself out, you deserve better And you've always got us LSers!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

She went out to help her younger sister, who just gave birth to her first child.

 

 

 

Why did you limit yourself?

 

 

Why didn't you foresee, in that chat with her, that she would "dump you... on the day she got back (in favor of a child only weeks old)"

 

 

Is the newborn a male???

 

 

 

If YOU want to break up with her, fine, but be a man about it and DO it!

 

Don't be so gutless that you find yourself continuing to run around whining:

 

I just know you're going to break up with me... I can feel you're going to break up with me... I fear you're going to break up with me, etc. etc.

[BiAxident]

I hope when she returns (although I guess she has by now and I'm too late) that you ask her some questions about why she would say those things and go on as if everything was normal. Don't let her make excuses or lie to get out of or around something.

 

She stated that, in her mind, everything still is normal. We've only been dating for five weeks, and she isnt sure that she wants to marry me because she doesnt feel a "spark" yet. We talked it over, but nothing new was really said.

 

She was, however, not happy to see that I was said, going so far as to say that she regretted telling me how she felt online and that she should have just waited 3 months while ring shopping and everything might have been fine. Of course, for me the opposite of fine is getting dumped with no warning.

 

So, the night was very akward to begin with, but things slowly thawed. She went from wanting to have sex to not being in the mood once we started discussing all the emotional stuff, which I can understand, I wasnt really feeling it myself.

 

So for now, she has left to go up to a musical festival for the weekend for some "alone time", as seeing her family didnt qualify as being alone. Thus, I'm left with my thoughts, books, a lot of movies, exercise, and love shack.

[BiAxident]

Why did you limit yourself?

 

 

Why didn't you foresee, in that chat with her, that she would "dump you... on the day she got back (in favor of a child only weeks old)"

 

 

Is the newborn a male???

 

 

 

If YOU want to break up with her, fine, but be a man about it and DO it!

 

Don't be so gutless that you find yourself continuing to run around whining:

 

I just know you're going to break up with me... I can feel you're going to break up with me... I fear you're going to break up with me, etc. etc.

 

I'm not sure what you mean about the "limiting myself" or what the baby being a male has to do with it, but you're correct about NOT running around being scared about getting dumped. All that will do is.. get me dumped!

[dispatch3d]

She seems to LOVE controlling the relationship. She likely doesn't want you breaking up with her on your terms. Hell this entire relationship isn't at all on your terms. What you want seems to factor so little into the overall grand scheme of things.

 

I beg you not to marry her to "keep her". Marry her because you want to marry her. Marry her because she's a great girl and you two really click. It seems like you aren't really clicking right now. It also seems like she's just demanding things and you are caving. I really can't see how this is an equal/fair relationship to either of you (well especially you).

 

When she was across the country she barely gave you the time of day+threatened to break up with you. She seems to be very manipulative. I would either just end it or make her do some serious changing of attitude if she wants to continue things.

 

Honestly the no-contact thing is just really disrespectful. Imagine if you tried to pull that **** with her? She would lose it on you. Hell you barely have the power to start a breakup with her on your own terms. And she just feels the need to "take more me time" on her own terms. I think she just doesn't want to be single and would prefer to stay in a "relationship" with you until she finds someone better.

 

Again, I would advise ending it. I also wouldn't bother seeing her for a while if at all.

 

last point

"I should have waited until you were shopping for the ring". WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN!

[BiAxident]

She seems to LOVE controlling the relationship. She likely doesn't want you breaking up with her on your terms. Hell this entire relationship isn't at all on your terms. What you want seems to factor so little into the overall grand scheme of things.

 

Well, the only things that she has set out to control are how much time we spend together, and how soon she is willing to accept an engagement ring. Frankly, the fact she wants/needs more freetime could bode well for the relationship, because I've got lawschool starting in the Winter. If she needed to see me 6 days a week, that would be a problem.

 

I beg you not to marry her to "keep her". Marry her because you want to marry her. Marry her because she's a great girl and you two really click. It seems like you aren't really clicking right now.

 

I would willingly marry her both reasons. For me, she is the "one who got away", yet has willingly come back. We have most everything in common and get along great. Until this most recent issue of her getting cold feet.

 

When she was across the country she barely gave you the time of day+threatened to break up with you. She seems to be very manipulative. I would either just end it or make her do some serious changing of attitude if she wants to continue things.

 

Honestly the no-contact thing is just really disrespectful. Imagine if you tried to pull that **** with her? She would lose it on you. Hell you barely have the power to start a breakup with her on your own terms. And she just feels the need to "take more me time" on her own terms. I think she just doesn't want to be single and would prefer to stay in a "relationship" with you until she finds someone better.

 

She never threatened to break up with me, rather she assured me that she wasnt about to break up with me, but she also isn't ready to get married because she isn't "in love" with me.

 

But yes, the co-contact thing was very disrespectful in my eyes, though she still disagrees with me on that note. And you're right, I assume if I did that with any woman I would be in deep. The other thing that still bothers me is her telling me she loves me when she isnt in love with me! That distinction doesnt carry much weight in her choice of words, evidentally.

 

And yes, she may very well leave me for someone "better". That is my fear. But at the same time, does she not have a valid point? We've only been back together for five weeks. Better that she should tap the breaks on the relationship NOW than after I've bought a ring, or after we're engaged, or after we're married?

 

last point

"I should have waited until you were shopping for the ring". WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN!

 

I may have misquoted her words. Basically, she said she should have just kept quiet and waited 2 or 3 months to see how her feelings evolved. Now that she let her doubts out of the bag, it affected my behavior negatively which in turn potentially makes her enjoy time around me less, reducing the chances of us going forward.

 

I told her that, if we're going to have open communication, sometimes she isn't going to like the result. She admitted that while she didn't make a "wrong" decision in telling me, that she still regrets it.

[dispatch3d]

alright, it sounds like you want to work things out and she maayyyyy want to work things out with you too.

 

Obviously she's going to disagree that she was in the wrong not contacting you. It's not a matter of what she should or shouldn't do. You need her to respond to your texts. Ignoring them isn't an option here. She responds, it's that simple. It's disrespectful to just "let a text go". No, not cool. I don't do that to my friends, and you two are more than friends. If she's going to keep doing that you should walk. Tell her that and mean it. Seriously you couldn't put up with her not responding to your texts for two weeks before. It is a deal breaker for you. As you said before it's a dealbreaker for her too... if you just started ignoring her she would immediately breakup with you. She will attempt to bend this like she did earlier. Don't let her.

 

I think one of the reasons she maaay have changed her mind is you were so willing to walk when she got back. She likely didn't expect that from how clingy you were before. I think she also didn't respond to your messages because you were much too clingy. Don't get clingy with her again.

 

You two need to fix your problems now, then get married. All marriage is going to do is make it more difficult to get out of a bad relationship. Marriage isn't this magical thing that makes relationships good. Her reason and justifications for wanting a ring are awful. If I were you I'd cut her off from deciding when to advance the relationship for a little while (whether you tell her this or not is your choice, and your call). She wants to get married to "fix things". That doesn't make sense. She wants you to marry her so you can "keep her" because you are just so lucky to have her apparently. Lol. **** that. Marry her cause you really like her. Not because she's some superior being you are lucky to keep.

 

You've probably realized that if a girl evveerrr told me to marry her to keep her she'd get a piece of my mind ;-). Anyhow, that's just my thoughts. Work **** out then get married. Common sense. Don't put up with the bull**** before that almost lead to the breakup.

 

And she's gotta start communicating better what her problems are rather than just manipulating her way into getting what she wants. It's a bandaid way of going about things. I'd be concerned about you two becoming one of those couples that are together but not really in love/really like each other. Just a bad relationship. ****'s prone to happen in those, like cheating/flirting with other people/etc. I'd advise getting out of something that looks like it'll turn that way. All you are really doing is wasting time where you could be hooking up with someone you actually like.

[meerkat stew]

We've only been dating for five weeks,

 

Are you kidding me? FFS disregard any previous posts of mine to this thread. Your OP was EXTREMELY misleading in indicating a much longer term relationship.

[spookie]

My take on this thread is that you sound EXTREMELY self-deprecating and insecure, two qualities which pretty much render a person unable to be in a happy, healthy relationship.

 

All your issues will continue being catch-22's until you stop thinking of yourself in these terms. Whether that takes a job, moving away, getting a hobby you love, getting away from this girl...I don't know... but it's not sitting at home on the computer, bitterly loveshacking away.

[BiAxident]

Are you kidding me? FFS disregard any previous posts of mine to this thread. Your OP was EXTREMELY misleading in indicating a much longer term relationship.

 

My apologies if I was overly vague, as I have appreciated your input on the matter. Yes, we have only been "officially together" for about 5 weeks. Previous to that, we were FWB since late April. Previous to that, we dated/lived together for a little over 2 years. Previous to that, we've known each other for 17 years.

[BiAxident]

My take on this thread is that you sound EXTREMELY self-deprecating and insecure, two qualities which pretty much render a person unable to be in a happy, healthy relationship.

 

Admitted in full.

 

All your issues will continue being catch-22's until you stop thinking of yourself in these terms. Whether that takes a job, moving away, getting a hobby you love, getting away from this girl...I don't know... but it's not sitting at home on the computer, bitterly loveshacking away.

 

Well, I can honestly say that I dont feel bitter about the matter, rather I was simply confused that she would throw out the invitation for me to propose to her and then rescind it in a matter of a week, by telling me online, while she was on the other side of the country.

 

I think the lack of a fulltime job is what is really doing my confidence in. I got dumped by her the first time because I wasn't "professional", so I went back to school for another year, but havent been able to find full time work in a year of searching. But yes, all of these problems are inner-related.

[FearandLoathing]

She stated that, in her mind, everything still is normal. We've only been dating for five weeks, and she isnt sure that she wants to marry me because she doesnt feel a "spark" yet. We talked it over, but nothing new was really said.

 

She was, however, not happy to see that I was said, going so far as to say that she regretted telling me how she felt online and that she should have just waited 3 months while ring shopping and everything might have been fine. Of course, for me the opposite of fine is getting dumped with no warning.

 

So for now, she has left to go up to a musical festival for the weekend for some "alone time", as seeing her family didnt qualify as being alone. Thus, I'm left with my thoughts, books, a lot of movies, exercise, and love shack.

 

It seems odd that after so much time knowing you and dating you (you said you dated previously for two years?) that she's still not sure if she's in love with you. If it were only 5 weeks that you'd been dating it would make more sense if she was unsure. I just hope you're not going to be waiting around for something that may not happen at this point

 

Since I don't think you're going to break up with her any time soon, and will instead wait for her to decide what she's doing, I think you should start focusing some more on yourself. I'm glad you're starting school soon, it will give you some time to do something else (hoping you won't let her effect you so much that you end up doing poorly). Perhaps gaining more self-confidence and working on your insecurities a little will either give your relationship the strength it needs, or give you the strength to leave it.

 

(Btw, I'm sorry if any of my posts ever sound harsh or anything. I don't want to be, it's just that I've been in a similar situation and hate to see other people going through it as well.)

[dispatch3d]

My apologies if I was overly vague, as I have appreciated your input on the matter. Yes, we have only been "officially together" for about 5 weeks. Previous to that, we were FWB since late April. Previous to that, we dated/lived together for a little over 2 years. Previous to that, we've known each other for 17 years.

 

I would never do a dating/living together-> friends with benefits ->dating again. No way in hell. What brought about the fwb? She found someone she liked more and "upgraded"? I would break up with her.

[BiAxident]

It seems odd that after so much time knowing you and dating you (you said you dated previously for two years?) that she's still not sure if she's in love with you. If it were only 5 weeks that you'd been dating it would make more sense if she was unsure. I just hope you're not going to be waiting around for something that may not happen at this point

 

Well, before she broke up with me the first time, she "fell out of love" with me, which makes perfect sense -- why would you dump someone you are still in love with?

 

So now, the big question is whether or not she can get back there. She says it takes time, which I suppose is true. The first time we dated, we were together for about 6 weeks before she told me she loved me. For my part, I didnt fall in love with her right away after we started hanging out again, it took a while.

 

The unsettling part is being in a situation where there isn't much I can do. I love the woman and want to be with her, but I've already used most of my 'A' game winning her over to take me back as her boyfriend. For now, I'm giving her space without whinning or complaining about it so as not to be seen as insecure, and we'll see what happens.

 

Perhaps gaining more self-confidence and working on your insecurities a little will either give your relationship the strength it needs, or give you the strength to leave it.

 

Sure, it would do both. Unfortunately, much of that is attached to factors out of my control (ie - the economy).

 

(Btw, I'm sorry if any of my posts ever sound harsh or anything. I don't want to be, it's just that I've been in a similar situation and hate to see other people going through it as well.)

 

Its alright. A harsh post is much better than no post at all!