Am I Over Reacting?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My SO caught a flight across the country this past weekend to attend a family get together with her siblings, leaving us seperated for ten days. We are in a pretty serious relationship, in which we've discussed marriage and she has told me that I can "keep her with a ring".

 

Since I dropped her off at the airport on Saturday, she has contacted me only once, when she gave me a very nice call Sunday evening to say goodnight and tell me that she missed me and loved me.

 

Since then? Virtually nothing. I've called her several times, she has never answered and never responded to my messages. I've sent her an e-mail on facebook telling her I miss her and what have you, and she never responded. She did have the time, however, to respond to several little messages from other guys, who are old friends that she hasnt seen in a long time, talking about how much she misses them and how they should get together.

 

Part of me thinks I'm just being paranoid. She went out to help her younger sister, who just gave birth to her first child. So, I'm sure she is occupied, having fun catching up, etc.

 

On the other hand, it seems that if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, that she might bother to actually get a hold of me now and again? Is that not a normal thing for loving couples to do on a daily basis?

 

I havent mentioned to her how much pain this is causing me (havent slept or had any food in about 24 hours), as it seems kind of silly to me that I would get so worked up over not hearing from her for 3 days. We didnt necessarily talk or see each other everyday even when she was nearby.

I dont want to come across as needy/clingly.

 

On the other hand, I have this really bad feeling that she could be using the ten days were spending apart as sort of a "warm up" for me to get used to not being with her, thus making it easier for her to leave me.

 

As always, any and all replies will be greatly appreciated.

 

 

Perhaps HER mechanism to combat non-productive time spent missing you is to have this invisible barrier of not interacting. If she's with siblings then I doubt she is doing anything inappropriate with regard to your relationship, so maybe she is just relaxing her emotions for a much-needed complete rest.

[BiAxident]

Perhaps HER mechanism to combat non-productive time spent missing you is to have this invisible barrier of not interacting. If she's with siblings then I doubt she is doing anything inappropriate with regard to your relationship, so maybe she is just relaxing her emotions for a much-needed complete rest.

 

I dont suspect that she is doing anything along the lines of cheating on me. Tuesday, I had an e-mail conversation with her sister, asking her what would be an appropriate price range for an engagement ring.

 

My best guess regarding her silence is that she caught wind of this, and has entered a realm of second thoughts. It is the only reasonable explaination I can come up with.

 

Still, the fact that her way of dealing with this is by flat-out ignoring me does not bode well for the relationship. I am now more confident than ever that I can officially consider myself dumped. Thank goodness for this site, I'm going to need it.

[jadedone]

I dont suspect that she is doing anything along the lines of cheating on me. Tuesday, I had an e-mail conversation with her sister, asking her what would be an appropriate price range for an engagement ring.

 

My best guess regarding her silence is that she caught wind of this, and has entered a realm of second thoughts. It is the only reasonable explaination I can come up with.

 

Still, the fact that her way of dealing with this is by flat-out ignoring me does not bode well for the relationship. I am now more confident than ever that I can officially consider myself dumped. Thank goodness for this site, I'm going to need it.

 

why didn't you mention this at the beginning of the thread? Yikes! Yeah you gotta just give her space.

[BiAxident]

why didn't you mention this at the beginning of the thread? Yikes! Yeah you gotta just give her space.

 

I didnt mention it because I hadn't connected the dots. Chatting with a mutual friend of ours on FB raised the possibility that she is freaking out. The question then becomes why?

 

She has asked me point blank in the last two weeks if I thought we'd get married. I said yes. She asked me if I had thought about what I would want the wedding to be like. We agreed that we would want something small and not in a church.

 

She had also mentioned to the same mutual friend noted above that we would be getting married, before I even made any comments about rings. Last week, while embracing her, I said "gotcha", to which she replied "you can keep me with a ring".

 

Even if all the above is true, what reasonable adult responds to this by simply ignoring me? How is that supposed to make me feel?

 

Still, if the women of this board feel that she has a right to step back and be silent, I'll willingly listen to the reasons why.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Relationships are most often imbalanced in the sense that one preson loves more than the other.

 

In this case, you are the one that loves more and it's not a good position to be in. She is also fully confident in your love and that she holds all the power in the relationship.

 

If when she comes home and acts all loving, you will most likely be so overjoyed that she is not dumping you, you won't want to rock the boat and ask her some difficult questions.

 

IMO, it is rude and disrespectful that she has been ignoring your messages. You need to send a clear message to her that you are not a doormat and won't tolerate this behaviour (of course in a tactful way, not as blunt as what I am saying); You have to do this at the risk of losing her.

[dispatch3d]

Marry a girl because you WANT TO marry her. Not to "keep her". God I would hate that attitude. I'd probably yell at any girl I'm dating (not actually yell but give a serious wtf to) if she told me to keep her I'd have to give her a ring.

 

Don't propose for a while. It is pretty big bull**** she hasn't bothered to even reply to any of your messages. Honestly that borders on common courtesy.

 

You are being clingy. I can tell from (a) you saying you're being clingy (b) the things you are doing and implying. Do yourself a favour and don't think about this again until she gets back, and don't try to contact her again. If she tried contacting you I'd probably give a cold shoulder altho that may not be the best thing to do to fix things...

 

you're clingyness could be a cause of the whole thing, but really impossible to say...I'm just speculating.

[BiAxident]

So, a few hours ago she tried calling me cellphone, which was set to vibrate. I didn't hear it, as I was in the middle of chatting with someone on FB about this very topic. Thus, she found me on there and we began chatting, in two parts.

 

First, she asked how I was doing and I explained I was sad and confused due to feeling neglected by her. She apologized, explaining that she had been very busy helping feed a baby, picking people up from the airport, visiting places with a few two-year olds in tow, etc. This brought me a fair measure of relief. She let me know that she would be very busy for the next two days and wouldn't have time to chat. I said that was fine, since I now know ahead of time that will be the case.

 

Then, a few minutes after ending our chat, she popped back in and said she had a confession to make. That being that she isn't sure about us as a couple. She isn't sure that I'm not just a rebound relationship for her (as we had dated previously, and known each other for over 15 years). Then, she dropped the bomb, stating that she loves me but isn't "in love" with me.

 

I explained that she had done a fine job convincing me otherwise with her behavior, and reminded her that, after perusing match.com for a month while I twisted in the wind, she chose to be with me. Her reply? That when she said that she was in love with me, when she said that she wanted a ring, that was how she felt at that time.

 

Now? She isn't so sure about us as a couple, at least not sure enough to get married. She said that she "only" spent one month on the dating site and only met a few people. She stated that she doesn't feel the "spark" and that while she felt that she could/should/would love me if I made a commitment, that is no longer the case. She cannot control who she loves.

 

She wants more time to "see where the relationship goes", to see if she falls in love with me. She also wants more "independent time" (ie - time to meet other guys?) to help keep her happy. She said that, while she has loved spending time with me, she has also felt smothered by it.

 

So, in the end, most of my suspicions were confirmed; by going to Colorado and being away from me, she realized how much she enjoyed her alone time and, by observing the other couples there, deemed herself to not be "in love" with me because we don't have that "spark". Fortunately for my hopes, she acknowledged that this could be because we already dated in the past. Furthermore, she said she might be open to the idea of couples therapy, where we can explore the role that "infatuation" or lack thereof, plays in a relationship.

 

Essentially, she threw every cliché she could at me, and put me on notice that while she isn't dumping me, she isn't committing to me, either. So now, whenever we hang out, I can worry about what it will take for her to fall in love with me, while waiting for her to make the determination that it isn't going to happen, at which point she'll dump me.

 

In the end, I have no leverage, am not receiving much respect, and am being toyed around with. This will continue until either we are engaged, or I get dumped. I'm suspecting I'll be dumped, and I'll be ready for it. How I can simultaneously attempt to foster love while prepping myself emotionally, I do not know.

[Woggle]

Now you know where you stand and how you can move on with your life. Be glad she showed you her true colors before marriage.

[Hop_prophet]

Oh crap, I'm really sorry to hear that your fears were confirmed. I have to admit that I thought the same when reading through the opening posts. It is really disrepectful and hurtful to shut someone out like that. She obviously had plenty of time to get in touch with you.

 

In the end, I have no leverage, am not receiving much respect, and am being toyed around with. This will continue until either we are engaged, or I get dumped. I'm suspecting I'll be dumped, and I'll be ready for it.

 

I really hope you gather your courage and dump her. Why would you subject yourself to that kind of treatment? She handled that with a complete lack of decency and basically spouted the same old tired lines that no one ever wants to hear over the phone to avoid confrontation. She has hurt you badly in the past and blindsided you before so I can see why you were so anxious. I know it will be difficult and you might be really depressed right now, but please focus on yourself and improving other areas of your life. You don't need this woman and you can do better.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Please, please get out of this now. You now know the truth. You have known each other for so long. She is not going to suddenly fall in love. She will only keep you as a backup until a better guy comes along when she will dump you and rip your heart out. Give yourself a chance to fall in love with someone else and be happy like you desrve to be.

[BiAxident]

Please, please get out of this now. You now know the truth. You have known each other for so long. She is not going to suddenly fall in love. She will only keep you as a backup until a better guy comes along when she will dump you and rip your heart out. Give yourself a chance to fall in love with someone else and be happy like you desrve to be.

 

I would like to, but I'm really not in a position to do so. I only work part time and make very little money, so I cant really afford to go out on dates. As has been touched upon in the thread already, my esteem isnt the greatest right now. She says its possible that she just needs more time, but I dont see how its going to happen if it hasnt already.

[BiAxident]

Now you know where you stand and how you can move on with your life. Be glad she showed you her true colors before marriage.

 

Outside of her, my life consists of working 15 hours a week, and hanging out with my unemployed father and a few friends. But yes, it is a positive that this all came out before I bought a ring, that would have been really expensive.

[BiAxident]

I really hope you gather your courage and dump her. Why would you subject yourself to that kind of treatment? She handled that with a complete lack of decency and basically spouted the same old tired lines that no one ever wants to hear over the phone to avoid confrontation.

 

Because I dont really see myself as having any other options, and more importantly because I'm in love with her and have been for a long, long time. I'm pretty much alone if not with her. I dont have many friends, dont have a very large family, dont have any friends that I hang out with that are female.

 

We went through this sort of situation before, and she wound up choosing me. I guess there is at least a chance she might do it again. Though I dont suspect her to.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I would like to, but I'm really not in a position to do so. I only work part time and make very little money, so I cant really afford to go out on dates. As has been touched upon in the thread already, my esteem isnt the greatest right now. She says its possible that she just needs more time, but I dont see how its going to happen if it hasnt already.

 

This doesn't matter. I would date someone in your position without hesistation if there was chemistry. Contrary to popular opinion, most girls don't care for you to spend money on them for dates. I know your self-esteem is low, but staying with her will make it even lower. You are right, she is not suddenly going to fall in love with you. Actually, if you stay with her after she told you this - you are going to lose even more worth in her eyes.

[2sunny]

I would like to, but I'm really not in a position to do so. I only work part time and make very little money, so I cant really afford to go out on dates. As has been touched upon in the thread already, my esteem isnt the greatest right now. She says its possible that she just needs more time, but I dont see how its going to happen if it hasnt already.

 

part of the problem may be that she knows you aren't in any position to provide for her and a family. start working toward goals, for YOU.

 

she has stated she doesn't feel it - no need to stay and beg. get busy earning respect for yourself! get a full time job, further your schooling. if you have nothing in a future to offer a woman - you really offer her nothing for security - she may feel she will have to carry all the load.

 

start focusing on your future. make it happen. she will do her thing - you must look to your future - for YOU.

[BiAxident]

she has stated she doesn't feel it - no need to stay and beg. get busy earning respect for yourself! get a full time job, further your schooling. if you have nothing in a future to offer a woman - you really offer her nothing for security - she may feel she will have to carry all the load.

 

Getting a full time job in Michigan is easier said than done, believe me. I've been trying to do so for about a year now. I'm planning to start law school in January, but that will take four years to finish, and even then that is no guarantee of a job.

 

But, is it really unreasonable of her to not want to commit to marriage given that we've only been dating again for about 5 weeks? She said she wants to make sure I'm not a rebound, which was a concern of mine when we first got together.

 

The biggest issue for me is, if she isn't "in love" with me now, when the hell is she going to be? It's all like some Hollywood movie. She picked me because we have chemistry, but he's not commiting to me because she isn't in love with me. I dont understand that at all.

[BiAxident]

You are right, she is not suddenly going to fall in love with you. Actually, if you stay with her after she told you this - you are going to lose even more worth in her eyes.

 

She said that there was some love there, and she wanted to continue the relationship to see if those feelings grow. Of course, wanting more free time for herself seems like something that isn't going to really help make those feelings grow.

[SadandConfusedWA]

She said that there was some love there, and she wanted to continue the relationship to see if those feelings grow. Of course, wanting more free time for herself seems like something that isn't going to really help make those feelings grow.

 

Translation: she wants to put you on the back burner while she looks for other men.

[BiAxident]

Translation: she wants to put you on the back burner while she looks for other men.

 

Looking for other men while we're still a couple? I'm not sure she would go that far, but I'm also not sure I can trust anything that she says at this point, given that her attitude has swung so far so fast.

 

A week or two ago, she was the one who was inviting me to come up and visit her so often. Why would she have done that if she was feeling suffocated? How can a woman's emotions flip 180 so fast like that? Are all women this crazy?

 

I really dont know how to deal with this one. All I've wanted to do for years is to be with her. All the loveshack couples cliches hold true: we spoke our own language, get along so well together, etc. She hasnt completely closed the store, she was talking about how nice it will be to get back home and be in my arms again.

 

Is it really that unreasonable to not be ready to commit to marriage after only dating five weeks? Or unreasonable to not be "in love" with someone after that period of time?

[meerkat stew]

Looking for other men while we're still a couple? I'm not sure she would go that far

 

It's fairly obvious that she already has/is. So sorry you have been treated so miserably. Early replies in this thread blow my mind. Three days of no response whatsoever to an exclusive SO is a blatantly hostile act which would cause anyone extreme stress, exacerbated by the distance and travel anxiety. It's just not done. Maybe with someone you've had a few dates with and aren't exclusive with, but an SO who is asking you for MARRIAGE? Regardless of what some say here, never feel bad or weak for not eating or sleeping. Her behavior in ignoring you was disgusting.

 

If I ever told an exclusive GF, or for that matter any woman I've ever known, that the reason I haven't returned her calls in three days was that I have been "busy" while on a trip, the next sound I heard would be a click, and that would likely be the last sound I ever heard from that person. There's really no further analysis possible. The only excuse would be some sort of extreme trekking totally away from civilization.

 

Dump this rude, manipulative shrew yesterday. Don't listen to anyone who says "give her space," or "she is just having some cold feet," or any other such. Dump and move on. This person is selfish, fickle, and emotionally abusive and you can do far better than to have someone like that in your life.

[OceanTropic]

You shouldn't be worried that she is busy, because went I went away with my family I didn't contact my bf for almost 2 whole weeks.

 

What you SHOULD be worried about is that fact that she DOES have time to catch up with plenty other guys, but not with you. Something is up. If she disappeared altogether (as in she didn't respond to anyone) then i'm sure you would understand shes just enjoying her time with her sis and the baby etc etc...

 

But if she hasn't even replied to your msgs? I say leave her alone until she comes back. She will wonder why you stopped trying to get in touch, and maybe THEN she will think "Whats going on?" That would be a nice time for you to bring up the subject. For now though, stop bugging her.

 

 

NOTE: I just read the above. Dump her man, she's not interested anymore.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Consider that she isn't being completly honest. Maybe this is her way of easing into a break up.

 

Everything that you say, that you speak your own language etc is only your own perception. Who knows how things look from her perspective. I feel like you are looking for excuses. Consider that she already broke up with you before. It's not like you have known each other for 5 weeks only. How many break-ups can you handle? How many times are you going to take her back? BTW those are rhetorical questions.

[meerkat stew]

You shouldn't be worried that she is busy, because went I went away with my family I didn't contact my bf for almost 2 whole weeks.

 

It's not a matter of not contacting, but of not taking five minutes to return a call. Thoroughly unacceptable.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmph... having read the rest, I'm inclined to ponder whether she has been hit with the yearnings and the longings at seeing/holding/being around her sister's baby, aaaaaaaaaaaand is a bit infatuated with however the new father is treating his bride and their child, etc.

 

Tiz possible, too, that she got wind of your sniffing around with regard to an engagement ring, and the combination of the two things inspired her to speak up as she did in order to slow you down.

 

All we ever witness in the movies is the furor with which women who want to be asked to marry right now, want to be asked to marry right now!

 

 

How about a woman who just doesn't want to be asked at this point in the very real 2010 economic doldrums?

 

 

If she wants to dump you, then fine. If you want to dump her, then that's fine too...

 

but do NOT make a self-fulfilling prophecy that sees you dumped mainly because of things you have evolved to do to the relationship as the result of over-thinking these issues.

[BiAxident]

but do NOT make a self-fulfilling prophecy that sees you dumped mainly because of things you have evolved to do to the relationship as the result of over-thinking these issues.

 

So, essentially, dont get dumped because hanging out with her now is akward giving that I know we are on entirely different planes of affection? I really dont know how I am going to be anything OTHER than depressed around her when I see her next. Its going to be akward and unpleasant, and will probably accelerate the dissolution of the entire relationship.

 

How would you go about preventing his self-fulfilling prophecy?