Am I Over Reacting?

[BiAxident]

My SO caught a flight across the country this past weekend to attend a family get together with her siblings, leaving us seperated for ten days. We are in a pretty serious relationship, in which we've discussed marriage and she has told me that I can "keep her with a ring".

 

Since I dropped her off at the airport on Saturday, she has contacted me only once, when she gave me a very nice call Sunday evening to say goodnight and tell me that she missed me and loved me.

 

Since then? Virtually nothing. I've called her several times, she has never answered and never responded to my messages. I've sent her an e-mail on facebook telling her I miss her and what have you, and she never responded. She did have the time, however, to respond to several little messages from other guys, who are old friends that she hasnt seen in a long time, talking about how much she misses them and how they should get together.

 

Part of me thinks I'm just being paranoid. She went out to help her younger sister, who just gave birth to her first child. So, I'm sure she is occupied, having fun catching up, etc.

 

On the other hand, it seems that if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, that she might bother to actually get a hold of me now and again? Is that not a normal thing for loving couples to do on a daily basis?

 

I havent mentioned to her how much pain this is causing me (havent slept or had any food in about 24 hours), as it seems kind of silly to me that I would get so worked up over not hearing from her for 3 days. We didnt necessarily talk or see each other everyday even when she was nearby.

I dont want to come across as needy/clingly.

 

On the other hand, I have this really bad feeling that she could be using the ten days were spending apart as sort of a "warm up" for me to get used to not being with her, thus making it easier for her to leave me.

 

As always, any and all replies will be greatly appreciated.

[a_woman]

it's a real shame that you are so upset and can't communicate that to her. It's one thing that she isn't initiating contact much but the fact that she isn't returning your calls is very mean. Has she done this before? She sounds self absorbed.

[torranceshipman]

My SO caught a flight across the country this past weekend to attend a family get together with her siblings, leaving us seperated for ten days. We are in a pretty serious relationship, in which we've discussed marriage and she has told me that I can "keep her with a ring".

 

Since I dropped her off at the airport on Saturday, she has contacted me only once, when she gave me a very nice call Sunday evening to say goodnight and tell me that she missed me and loved me.

 

Since then? Virtually nothing. I've called her several times, she has never answered and never responded to my messages. I've sent her an e-mail on facebook telling her I miss her and what have you, and she never responded. She did have the time, however, to respond to several little messages from other guys, who are old friends that she hasnt seen in a long time, talking about how much she misses them and how they should get together.

 

Part of me thinks I'm just being paranoid. She went out to help her younger sister, who just gave birth to her first child. So, I'm sure she is occupied, having fun catching up, etc.

 

On the other hand, it seems that if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, that she might bother to actually get a hold of me now and again? Is that not a normal thing for loving couples to do on a daily basis?

 

I havent mentioned to her how much pain this is causing me (havent slept or had any food in about 24 hours), as it seems kind of silly to me that I would get so worked up over not hearing from her for 3 days. We didnt necessarily talk or see each other everyday even when she was nearby.

I dont want to come across as needy/clingly.

 

On the other hand, I have this really bad feeling that she could be using the ten days were spending apart as sort of a "warm up" for me to get used to not being with her, thus making it easier for her to leave me.

 

As always, any and all replies will be greatly appreciated.

 

Dude, I know you are hurting and I am sorry but...you haven't eaten or slept for 24hours simply because she hasn't contacted you in 3 days? I admit it is a bit unusual for her to be quiet, but not major enough to warrant that incredible level of stress! By the same token, she should have gotten in touch by now.

 

But if I were you I would get some sleep and a good meal cause right now the lack of both will be winding you up and you wont be thinking straight - you'll be too overemotional and you might end up sending some very needy/clingy messages that you will later regret.

[Ronni_W]

It's obviously causing you serious distress, which means that it is NOT "silly". Your concern may be completely misguided (coming from feelings of insecurity or paranoia or whatever)...but that still doesn't make it silly.

 

I have this really bad feeling that she could be using the ten days were spending apart as sort of a "warm up" for me to get used to not being with her, thus making it easier for her to leave me.

Are there any REAL, RECENT events that would even suggest that she is considering ending the relationship? If not, you'd do well to spend the rest of your time apart considering the strong possibility that the partnership may need you to seriously start cultivating much more emotional independence and self-reliance.

 

It's one of those things that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: There can't be any good outcomes if you just stay in the "fear and distress" and willingly or unwillingly just become more and more needy/clingy.

 

If there are no real, recent reasons to think that your relationship is in trouble, then I'd encourage you to (a) do the difficult self-examination that will allow you to get to the root of your fears, and (b) make your own strenuous efforts to do whatever healing, forgiving, accepting and overcoming that you need to do in order to be emotionally self-reliant and independent, etc.

 

Otherwise, your fear/insecurity is going to shape your (future) reality. At least, that's often how these nasty, potential self-fulfilling prophecies work out.

 

Best of luck.

[BiAxident]

If there are no real, recent reasons to think that your relationship is in trouble, then I'd encourage you to (a) do the difficult self-examination that will allow you to get to the root of your fears, and (b) make your own strenuous efforts to do whatever healing, forgiving, accepting and overcoming that you need to do in order to be emotionally self-reliant and independent, etc.

 

 

No, there are no real, recent reasons that cant be explained away by reasonable factors. My fear stems primarily from the fact that we dated previously for two years and then she ended the relationship very abruptly. She has apologized for that several times since we've gotten back together.

 

Still, it seems odd, inconsiderate even, that she wouldn't take 30 seconds to write a little "hello" note when she's online chatting it up with other people for an hour or so per day.

 

You are correct that I need to achieve emotional self-reliance. The problem is that, outside of her, my life isn't going so well, at least career and family wise.

 

I'll probably broach the subject with her once she gets back and she is done having her family fun. The question is how to do it without being too needy/clingy.

[I'm Batman]

But if I were you I would get some sleep and a good meal cause right now the lack of both will be winding you up and you wont be thinking straight - you'll be too overemotional and you might end up sending some very needy/clingy messages that you will later regret.

 

+1 and to ronnie's post.

 

You sound pretty clingy ATM, ever think that she needs some space with her own family and friends? Think of it as a hint for you to go out with your friends or family. Quit relying on her for everything. Go out have nice steak, watch some sports at a buddies place and quit being so insecure. Women need a dude with confidence, so just chill out!

[a_woman]

I don't know. expecting an acknowledgment of calls and en email doesn't seem much to me in a serious relationship. however I agree that she must be very busy. like I said, it's a shame that you can't discuss this with her.

[BiAxident]

I don't know. expecting an acknowledgment of calls and en email doesn't seem much to me in a serious relationship. however I agree that she must be very busy. like I said, it's a shame that you can't discuss this with her.

 

I can discuss it with her, but I certainly won't do so until after she has gotten back from the trip, and after I've confirmed that everything is okay and I was over reacting.

[BiAxident]

+1 and to ronnie's post.

 

You sound pretty clingy ATM, ever think that she needs some space with her own family and friends? Think of it as a hint for you to go out with your friends or family. Quit relying on her for everything. Go out have nice steak, watch some sports at a buddies place and quit being so insecure. Women need a dude with confidence, so just chill out!

 

I'm feeling pretty clingy ATM, and I fully understand that she is away enjoying her time. She hasn't seen her entire family in one place in something like 12 years.

 

Still, she mentioned many times before she left how much she was going to miss me and how she wished I could come with her. And now she can't even write a 30 second message just to say hello?

 

I dont feel that I'm relying on her for "everything". Just a little acknowledgement would be nice. Otherwise, I'm left to assume that she has discovered that she doesnt miss me, doesnt need me, which leads to doesnt want me.

 

On the other hand, I do love steak, and I do love sports. Too bad baseball is the only thing "in season" right now!

[Ronni_W]

My fear stems primarily from the fact that we dated previously for two years and then she ended the relationship very abruptly. She has apologized for that several times since we've gotten back together.

Ah, okay. Well then it would kinda seem that there is some part of you that still does not understand what happened that last time -- that part does not have the information to be able to assess if that problem has been fixed or that "hole, plugged", so to speak. It needs some better reassurance that the same thing won't happen again.

 

Now. Have you taken full responsibility for your contribution to that very abrupt ending? Because, until you do that, you cannot give yourself the assurance that you need or the guarantee that you won't do it again.

 

Her apology is well and good...but there still seems to be a piece missing for you, doesn't there? An apology all by itself is not enough because it doesn't mean that the problem has been fixed.

I think. For there to be any sense/peace that the exact same thing won't happen again also requires information about her thoughts, feelings, fears, needs, frustrations, desires and disappointments at that time, that led her to act the way she did back then.

And you need to give her the same level of honesty about your "stuff" that led you to acting the way you did back then (especially that contributed to the split, but also in general.)

 

Still, it seems odd, inconsiderate even, that she wouldn't take 30 seconds to write a little "hello" note when she's online chatting it up with other people for an hour or so per day.

Yes and no. If you had the assurance referenced above; if you felt lovingly and wonderfully secure and confident in your relationship, then this would not at all feel "odd" or "inconsiderate" to you...you would just feel loved, secure and confident.

 

The problem is that, outside of her, my life isn't going so well, at least career and family wise.

That's your problem to fix, one way or the other. It's not enough to just acknowledge your problem areas (same as it's not enough for her to just apologize about that other thing.) Both situations need MUCH more strenuous efforts on each of your parts.

 

In any case, I would strongly encourage you to not just get stuck in the fact that you are experiencing fear, distress and problems...because whatever you do, you WILL be shaping your own future reality. May as well take action towards a healed, healthy, happy partnership, yes?

 

How to not be needy and clingy is to be self-responsible, self-accountable, self-reliant. "This is my fear, and this is what I've done to overcome it." "This is the information that I need, and this is how I intend to use that information." "These are the mistakes I made, and here's how I'm going to handle myself instead, when that situation arises in the future." "These are my needs, desires, goals, dislikes and expectations."

Stuff like that.

 

And you can ask for the same, from her.

[BiAxident]

Ah, okay. Well then it would kinda seem that there is some part of you that still does not understand what happened that last time -- that part does not have the information to be able to assess if that problem has been fixed or that "hole, plugged", so to speak. It needs some better reassurance that the same thing won't happen again.

 

Now. Have you taken full responsibility for your contribution to that very abrupt ending? Because, until you do that, you cannot give yourself the assurance that you need or the guarantee that you won't do it again.

 

I think I understand in full what happened last time. She was looking to date someone who was a "professional" and labeled me as still being in "college mode". Before we got back together, she stated that in retrospect, she was wrong. Having a "professional" man looked good on paper, but if there was no connection, it didn't matter.

 

I take responsibility for my living a "non-professional" lifestyle, but that doesnt matter much when the economy is in the tank, I cant find work, and thus dont have a lot of disposable income to take her out, buy her things, etc.

 

That's your problem to fix, one way or the other. It's not enough to just acknowledge your problem areas (same as it's not enough for her to just apologize about that other thing.) Both situations need MUCH more strenuous efforts on each of your parts.

 

Well, there isn't really much more that I can do to get a job than I've already done. Countless resumes, volunteering, social networking, more resumes. It has all added up to nil.

 

There also isn't much I can do about only having one parent who is unemployed, not looking for work, and living off of food stamps. Help the parent try to get on disability, I suppose. Or make enough money down the road to be able to help the parent financially.

 

In any case, I would strongly encourage you to not just get stuck in the fact that you are experiencing fear, distress and problems...because whatever you do, you WILL be shaping your own future reality. May as well take action towards a healed, healthy, happy partnership, yes?

 

Yes indeed, which is the reason why I am here. The logical part of me says I'm getting carried away. Everyone here has pretty much echoed that.

[2sure]

I would not have put much into the not contacting you for three days...until you mentioned she was responding to messages from other men on facebook...just not to yours.

[BiAxident]

I would not have put much into the not contacting you for three days...until you mentioned she was responding to messages from other men on facebook...just not to yours.

 

That is the part that bothered me most. Granted, the "message" I sent her was a private e-mail style message, whereas the other ones were things posted on her wall. It isn't like I'm expecting she is going to go out and cheat on me when she gets back, but if you have the time to write messages on that site, why not send one to the guy you've said you want to marry?

[sunrae]

BiAxident:

I think if I was in a committed relationship with a person, I might not all them everyday, if I was busy with family and friends I havent seen in a while, but I dont thinks it's unfair to want some contact everyother day at least..... I would be a little peeved if I were in your shoes..

[skydiveaddict]

Her not replying to any of your messages at all seems a little suspicious

[Ronni_W]

but if you have the time to write messages on that site, why not send one to the guy you've said you want to marry?

Because we tend to take for granted those nearest and dearest to us. People used to do this to me a lot, and it drove me batty. "But Ronni, I thought you'd understand. You know I how much I love and care about you. And I knew that you knew that I was busy with my family. I don't get why you're so upset."

 

And they really don't it get because they really do love and care about us and they really did think that we would just understand all of that and not feel hurt/disappointed by them taking us (our understanding and our love) for granted. In fact, they don't even see it as them having done that.

 

We have the right and authority to ask for better treatment; to ask to be considered no matter what else is occupying their minds and time.

 

When you do speak with her, you might want to try to remember to use "I statements" so it doesn't come across that you're feeling like a victim or accusing/blaming her, but rather are expressing your own feelings, needs, upset and expectations for how you want to be treated in the future. (I felt...taken for granted, ignored, under-valued, not as important as those other people to whom you replied, etc. I would have appreciated it if you had...acknowledged my message, let me know how things were going, etc.)

[BiAxident]

When you do speak with her, you might want to try to remember to use "I statements" so it doesn't come across that you're feeling like a victim or accusing/blaming her, but rather are expressing your own feelings, needs, upset and expectations for how you want to be treated in the future. (I felt...taken for granted, ignored, under-valued, not as important as those other people to whom you replied, etc. I would have appreciated it if you had...acknowledged my message, let me know how things were going, etc.)

 

That is the plan, I just dont know when to have that conversation. If she were to call me right now and ask how I was doing, if I told her the truth, I might risk being too needy and putting her fun in jeopardy, which I certainly dont want to do.

 

If I wait until she gets back, I'll be terrified of how she responds. She has gone on a vacation before when we were dating the first time and she called me everyday. Granted, we were living together at the time.

 

All I can do to keep calm is remind myself that she did call my Sunday to tell me how much she missed me, that she was thinking of me, etc, etc. I would assume then that the reason she hasn't contacted me since has a lot more to do with her being busy/having fun as opposed to having a sudden change of heart.

 

Then again, the sudden change of heart was what I was afraid of in the first place. That she would fly across the country and realize that she didn't miss me so much after all.

[sugarmomma]

Also try to keep yourself busy working out or hanging with your friends. Keep the focus on you and what will make you happy outside of any other person. You don't want to make another person responsible for your happiness or unhappiness. I used to let other people's thoughts about me (real or imagined) determine how happy I would be. I work really hard not to give others that much power over my mood.

 

It is downright rude of her to ignore you and you should let her know that.

[BiAxident]

It is downright rude of her to ignore you and you should let her know that.

 

For the time being, I'm way too terrified of what she'll say to do so. Right now, I at least have the hope that I'm overreacting to the situation, even though with each passing day of her not contacting me, I'm expecting more and more I'm going to get dumped when she gets back. 5 days from now...

[Ronni_W]

Then again, the sudden change of heart was what I was afraid of in the first place. That she would fly across the country and realize that she didn't miss me so much after all.

I can imagine how difficult it is on you, right now.

Might it help if you reminded yourself that a lot of your current anxiety/distress is related to how you are seeing and feeling about yourself, these days? -- unemployed, currently unable to stand up to that "professional man" image who can take her places and buy her things, etc.

 

Obviously it is a HUGE trigger, and usually those need one's maximum intellect to maintain one's sanity: Keep reminding yourself that she made a mistake the last time. Not only that, but she realized her mistake and learned her lesson.

More importantly, SHE CHOSE YOU BECAUSE OF HER CONNECTION WITH YOU!!!

And that is something that is priceless. Money cannot buy connection and emotional intimacy. Being employed can't do it. Having a parent who is as rich is Bill Gates can't do it...and having a poverty-stricken parent cannot undo it.

 

I know that you know this, intellectually. Just keep reminding your heart of it. That's all you can do until she gets back.

 

When she gets back. I think make the first day/night special and easy-going. Cook her favourite meal, open a bottle of wine, go for a walk, dig out an old board game. After all of that, hustle her off to bed and make wild, passionate love to her.

Next day. Go for another walk, pluck up your courage, and gently ease into a conversation that'll start something like, "I missed you like crazy when you were away, and my mind actually got crazy cos it started conjuring up all these crazy fears and foolishness. I know it's important to our relationship for me to share stuff like that with you...so bear with me, wouldja please?"

 

And if she starts to get defensive or like that, remind YOURSELF that it's time for you to say to her something like, "I'm not blaming you. I'm saying that these are MY crazy fears. I guess I''d like it if you could assure me that they really are just my own crazy fears and projections."

 

That is. Do not feel ashamed or be afraid to let her know that you sometimes have crazy fears and you sometimes make irrational projections. If you own it (admit it to yourself), then there is far less chance that you'll go across as trying to blame her, and then there is far less chance that she'll get defensive or "blow up" at you.

 

I think I'm not doing a good job of expressing what is in my head. If anything resonates, I'll be happy to try again. If it all sounds like gibberish...then I won't be able to do any better job, and I apologize ahead of time for not being able to help.

 

Regardless, I do get the position that you're in -- rather, that your mind has put you in (due to its memory of the prior bad experience.) I know it's difficult NOT to get all freaked-out, so I'm sending you wisdom and strength to help you with that.

[sugarmomma]

For the time being, I'm way too terrified of what she'll say to do so. Right now, I at least have the hope that I'm overreacting to the situation, even though with each passing day of her not contacting me, I'm expecting more and more I'm going to get dumped when she gets back. 5 days from now...

 

 

Whatever you do just deal/sit still with your fears and DO NOT contact her again. She pulled this abrupt crap on you before so maybe you should start emotionally detaching in case she comes out of a bag again on you.

 

 

Also, if she does contact you take your time responding.

 

I hate to say this but sometimes people have to get a taste of their own medicine. That or leave them alone to find someone that is okay with certain behaviors they display that others find unacceptable (like ignoring calls or texts). I hear what others are saying in terms of you being more secure but at the same time her ignoring you is cruel. Especially since you say she went out of town before and called you everyday.

 

If I was going out of town a couple days, I probably wouldn't contact a lot. But ten days, I would hit my sweetie at least once a day or every other day.

[BiAxident]

I can imagine how difficult it is on you, right now.

Might it help if you reminded yourself that a lot of your current anxiety/distress is related to how you are seeing and feeling about yourself, these days? -- unemployed, currently unable to stand up to that "professional man" image who can take her places and buy her things, etc.

 

I'm aware that my current situation is creating a lot of anxiety, but that doesn't really help. The script that runs through my head would be something along the lines of "I make $700 a month, drive a piece of crap car, cant find full-time work, and she is the only really good thing in my life"

 

Obviously it is a HUGE trigger, and usually those need one's maximum intellect to maintain one's sanity: Keep reminding yourself that she made a mistake the last time. Not only that, but she realized her mistake and learned her lesson.

More importantly, SHE CHOSE YOU BECAUSE OF HER CONNECTION WITH YOU!!!

 

That is true. The night that she finally accepted me as her official boyfriend, she noted that she had been chatting with a guy who had a great, stable job, liked the same things she liked, etc, etc. But there wasn't the same sort of connection.

 

In the five weeks or so we've been together, she's repeatedly told me all sorts of reasons that she loves me. We've talked about engagement rings, marriage, kids, how to handle moving in together, etc. And, she did at least call me on Sunday, told me she missed/loved me.

 

But all of that makes her current behavior that much harder to understand. I've over analyzed it so much that at this point I'm afraid to call her or logon to FB for fear of what will happen next.

 

Nevertheless, thanks for your replies, they're helping me cope!

[BiAxident]

Whatever you do just deal/sit still with your fears and DO NOT contact her again. She pulled this abrupt crap on you before so maybe you should start emotionally detaching in case she comes out of a bag again on you.

 

I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for this to happen. At the same time, if she is considering leaving me, I fear that being aloof now could be the final push that sends her to make that decision.

 

At the same time, I suppose that if its going to happen, its going to happen. I havent done anything wrong, and I cant very well speak my piece if she isnt communicating with me.

[sugarmomma]

I havent done anything wrong,

 

Exactly. So don't sweat it.

[BiAxident]

Exactly. So don't sweat it.

 

If it were only that easy. I mean, really, I hadn't done anything wrong the first time she broke up with me. We never sat down and had a conversation about aspects of the relationship which she was unhappy with. After she dumped me, she told me that she tried to express her dissatisfaction, by telling me what I could do (ie - you could be more responsible).

 

So, for all I know, I failed some secret test that she had set up for me, and this vacation is serving as a convenient way to begin creating distance between us as preemption to a breakup.

 

I probably should have labeled this thread "Am I Over Thinking?"