Well...

[fearthepinkmist]

I think I might actually stick aroundjus this thread for awhile. It really does make me feel better knowing that there are alot of other people going through the almost the SAME thing as me and it actually helps me to give them adivice as it is that I can always give someone else adivice but never myself. So well I think I might share my story and any comments or views OR ANYTHING really would be appericiated. No discrimination. I might not like what you say but hell you might be right.

 

Well lets see.. I have a just a tad bit of emotional baggage before this gu7y.. not only about guys but about by my life. It hasn't been the best but I am willing to accept what has happened to me because I wouldn't be me without it no matter how much it did hurt at the time. We have a military saying in the states that fits this very well.. "Pain is only weakness leaving the body". Well and so I met Matt last Septemeber. When I first met him I really did't like him actually did not think he was cute and wasn't planning on it ever going where it did. Slowly but surely I grew curious about him. He was always so quit and when he looked at me I swear to god those eyes like looked right through me. Eventually we started hanging out... he turned out to not be what I thought AT ALL. We liked all the same things, music, games, food.. it was almost creepy we actually were. He told me from the beginning he wasn't ready for a relationship which I understood I thought it would be good.. because I wasn't ready either but in my head means.. not yet,, not NEVER. So we hung out EVERY day we kept a hold on the fooling around which was really nice because we grew closer as friends.... because we never did fool around I always questioned what the hell we were. I mean what is a guy in a girl that hangs out every day and calls each other every day see's no other people but they arn't in a relationship? Well while we didn't mess around I thought well we are just kinda dating... Then we had a dry period of NC and I thought it was over but then he came back. After that we did start messing around... which was awsome because I was tired of goddamn waiting. We were about 7 months into it now. We are taking it nice and slow and I am real happy with it. We weren't in a proper relationship but I was still very happy. I had slipped and told him I loved him a few times when I was wasted. I did love him very much and I told him that just because I told him didn't mean he had to say it back. I think I said I love you like a total of 3 times.. over like the whole time and then he goes and opens his big stupid mouth and tells me he loves me! Yeah. When he said it my head jerked at looked at him so fast I almost thought I broke the sound barrier. We where just sitting there doing freaking NOTHING talking about NOTHING and he blurts out #### I love you. Out of freaking no where! Then shortly after he tells me he has to move a few states away. This of course devastates me because I knew how it would end up. He promise to come back and "take care of me" his exact words.

Yeah well he went where he went and we talked every day and all that good junk. I never said stupid I love you. Then one day the both of us just started saying it. Alot the kind I don't like.. like the every day kind. The only reason I didn't red flag that was because we were far away and I thought well this is the ONLY times it is ok... unless we are in a serious relationship. At this point I thought... now yes we are dating. Not in a relationship per say but dating. So then evidently this went to my head and I would go out and get drunk and miss him call him a few times leave gushy messages no doubt. Eventually he avoided me. Pussy thing to do if you ask me. Finally I got him to talk to me and explain what was going on he just said yeah he loved me but wasn't "in love" as he put it.. and that he did not see anything now or in the near future happening. What the **** is that.. so ok... in the far future something might happen.. I told him you either want me or you don't it had been 10 months of this and you should know by now. He didn't get a chance to answer because I decided to self medicate... I took about 20 Xanax in a day. I mean throughout the day just so I could sleep and not call him and what not and well that night I drankl... now that was the mistake... after that I don't remember. I woke up in the hospital with them giving me stiches. Yeah this was ****ing emabarassing. I had issues so I should have known that this would eventually come up but I didn't ever think I would be out of control when in it did. I had to call him after because I needed to figure out what happened.. if we talked and what did I say and all that mess cause I was truely baffaled at what had happened. I told him what happened and he was pissed at me. Hasn't talked to me ever since. I texted him telling him I wanted to return his favriot jacket but no repsonse. I have left it at that and accepted it complately that we are not gonna happen. I am focusing on me and what I feel and why I did this STUPID STUPID thing. Yeah that is it.. please don't judge about that last part.. that is the only part I am sensitive about. If you have something negative to say about that.. "It was so selfish and blah blah" keep it to yourself.. I don't wanna hear ANY of that please.

[Don Ho]

Hi Pink. No I'm not going to say you were stupid because I understand. When you're in the middle of a heart ache, you do things to forget or numb the pain. You will be ok, don't worry. If you haven't already, you might look into some counseling to work on yourself and your relationship issues. Good luck!

[fearthepinkmist]

Hi Pink. No I'm not going to say you were stupid because I understand. When you're in the middle of a heart ache, you do things to forget or numb the pain. You will be ok, don't worry. If you haven't already, you might look into some counseling to work on yourself and your relationship issues. Good luck!

 

Thank you. I have looked into couseling and am going regularly. I am apperciate the support! <3