bboy Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 (edited) First post, but I've lurked around that I've figured I contribute too.. Plenty in a sh*tty spot right now and probably many feel empty inside. Including me, but I'm taking small steps. So I figured I'd share how to make progress. Me: I'm 30+ guy, high educated, live in a large city and have an awesome but demanding job. I've really got the looks and the talk. Sounds like a freakin' dream doesn't it? I've never been as lonely in my life as now... What I’m trying to tell is that no matter whom you are and you might think your specific situation caused this. The only thing that connects us is that we’re human and because of this we have the same feeling. The rest are just details. The story: I've went through two severe break ups in my life. This is my second one and it left me stunning. The woman I loved and thought "she's the one" - left me in silence without saying a word. We had a huge argue about trust and suddenly she was gone. The behavior isn't new - she sometimes did this when she needed to withdraw and cope with situations. But I was left in limbo for 5-10 days without really knowing what was going on and feeling crap. Now it's been 5 weeks of no contact. Still she got my house keys and I have a pile of stuff that is hers. Regarding the "silent break up" - I'm old enough to know that what goes around comes around. It doesn't come right away, but it will. She will get issues with this in the future. I've tried with sending her flowers with an apology letter about some of my behavior. Note: An apology - not a begging to come back. She threw it all away. Then a common friend said she thought I was stalking her. Sort of a joke when I have one call in four weeks. But this isn't really about my story - I just wanted to give a little background about a very painful situation. What I want to share is how to make progress and I'm glad this wasn't my first nasty break up. This will be me vs. she form. But can probably be read the other way if you're a woman. Some general tips 1. How to act: Whatever she does - shouldn't reflect what you do. Take control of your actions. Act, don't react. If you get low life behavior from her, this should set the bar on how you act. They'll drag you down and beat you by experience. Stay the h*ll away from doing mean stuff. I did this the first time and it becomes really embarrassing. 2. Stages/phases Contact Well, first reaction is to try to get contact or closure. Closure to me is an excuse to just confront and get confirmation. It’s stupid from the beginning. Closure can be done after a year or so. Not right away. Silly. Just walk away if you think this is the cause you want contact. Second reason is to try to deal with the person. If you do this. Keep in mind that this is what you did the last time you spoke with her and it didn't work. If you're going to repeat this pattern again. That contact is just a way to dig deeper and create more wounds. The person you're about to talk to is in a certain "mood" and this didn't change for the last 24H, it takes weeks and months to start feeling different about a person. Different meaning different, not better. She might come to the conclussion that "yes, this was the right thing" and stick to it. So this is just the way things are. Third reason is for sentimental reasons. This can be nice, but sentimental reasons are about the past and not the future. If you want to have a contact with this person because you want a future together, you're not about the past yet. This is not the moment to wake something up. More time is needed. By all means, please stay away. Don't ask for more explanations. Anger How could she do this? Etc etc… you know what I mean. I got pissed and thought – what the hell is she thinking and why does this little prick think she can do it this way? Doesn’t really matter. This stage lasts maybe a day or so and underneath you know it’s a sadness and not anger – feeding the feelings. I can win her back!! Yeah right. If things screw up and in a bad way. Forget this as quickly as you can. It’s going to shred your heart into pieces and if you’re unlucky you meet her again and you’ll be back at square one. Just forget this. You have to ask yourself again. What does “win” mean? Is it really a “win” or do you get pain back. Probably pain. The only thing I know about winning back is that it includes a fresh start. It can't be based on old love. Coping with reality It’s over, it is really over. You don’t have the slightest chance in hell to get her back. But this is also the time you need to reflect. If she stood there by your doorstep after humiliating and beating you mentally. Would it be right to take her back? Is this something you could live with? Is it right? Should you be treated like this the rest of your life? REALLY?!!! Keep asking yourself these questions over and over again. I know multiple things I've done bad. Really bad too. But if I look in the mirror and see a fight with her again in the next six months. What would it be about? Probably the issues I have with her. Same sh*t again. Do I want that? 3. Contact with her Tempting isn’t it? Well, having no contact means that you have no new information about her. No new information = Nothing more “compute” in your brain and less pain to deal with. I can tell you – just stay away! You DON’T want to get to know more. You’re in a process to clean your mind and rebuild your soul. Don’t fill it with more sh*t. You probably got her on facebook. Make a ritual. Let your feelings flow and remove her. Allow yourself to become really sad, grief afterwards and think “What did I just do?!!!”. Then think about it. No more info = No new pain. Repeat this all the time when you regret your decision. But then we'll never have contact again! No, this is not true. You can do this in the future. But you don't live in the future. You live in the present. And at this moment, this isn't a good time to be friends. 4. Contact with friends and relatives You will run into relatives, friends and other common factors. All these people make their own opinions. Don’t believe for a second that her girlfriends support her 100% in their minds. They verbally do, but mentally they always have their own opinion. Same goes with your friends. So stay cool. Relatives are a bit different. They often see your ex as the sunshine of life and flawless. Hence it is really a bad idea of convincing them that what she did was wrong. Do rather the opposite if you have to. Say that she was a really nice girl, apparently it didn’t work out and you hope this will give her better opportunities. If this is any comfort, it will make them smoother about you and have a harder time to call you harsh things. But if you can – stay away from them as the plague. It will turn into a “he’s seeking contact story”. Don’t give away potential drama plots. Turn this into a very boring story instead. 5. My story vs. Her story You have your side, she has her side. Neither is correct. It’s completely impossible to paint a correct picture. You probably forgot about all the bad stuff she said and she keeps telling herself you’re an idiot. But it could be completely the other way around if you just tell yourself that. I have notes on my fridge 10 things she did really bad. Another 10 things why I think we don’t fit together. You’ll get moments when you think. Fine, I know this now. Let’s wipe this out now. Don’t. Leave it there. You’ll have moments of falling back again. 6. Support Yes, you need support. I have two-three friends who I can spill all this onto. I almost harass them with my thoughts. Important is that they don’t keep saying “move-on”. This is not how I at least how I deal with this. What they do is to talk about new women, new places and things about you. Ask questions about your earlier relationships and how you compare them with this. What was better with your last ex. and so on. So... Hopefully I will update this post as time goes by. There is so much more that can be written and I know a lot of more issues that comes into this. Point of life, Diet, Sleep, Work, Ego-Blow, Anxiety, Depression and just feeling alone. But stay in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't the train coming at ya Edited August 12, 2010 by bboy
Div Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Thank you for this post. It has helped me see my situation better and realize what is happening is completely normal.
Author bboy Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 People acting on your behalf When looking for support around you - the normal thing is to speak with relatives and friends. They can be of great help but also understand that these people 99% of the time do not have experience or skills to cope with this. What they do is what they have learned from their past. This is not the same thing as your past. They don't know and can't understand fully what it is to be in your shoes. Make sure that if they take any action with your ex, that they talk with you right before they do. Do not give them any free hands to act in what they believe is right. Why? Well one of the fundamental things is about you need to be in control of your life. This is something you've recently lost and need to regain. This control MUST by all means come from you and not from them. No matter how good their intentions are, DO NOT let them act. I had a relative who went swapping my belongings with my ex without telling me. This is completly wrong and makes you loose power of decision. Do not let this happen, without you asking for this and a double check before doing so.
jude007 Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 This is great post mate, I have too been detonated by a girl - the same one on and off for years - ive been up and down - and your right the needy, sad chap gets no where... I struggle with it, and usually find her friends are the root of any drama that happens when I see her - I walk into a bar and the witches all start becoming active - act as if I shouldnt be there etc. Great post hope u do ok - I too have good job, never been short for an admirer but I just miss her - her family miss me - but she was hurt by a guy before me - he left her 3 weeks beofre the alter , and I wonder if this is why she has commitment, loyalty, adn trust issues. What w
PrettyPoppy Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Thank you bboy. Like you, this is not my first go-round with a NC breakup. I built some muscles prior to this that are coming in handy right now. Some of the things you mentioned are currently helping me (I'm in the 1st month) One is constantly reminding myself that I can call/write later, but now I'm going to either be utterly ignored (I will risk humiliating myself) or, god forbid, end up re-uniting without any chance of change (not enough time) having occurred. I don't want the relationship as it was if I'm honest with myself. I don't like ME in this relationship when all is said and done. I don't do well reacting to some of the behavior and it hurts dreadfully. That being said, at odd moments I get this compulsion to "do something" and often that takes hold in some of the ways you mentioned. Currently I'm trying to digest letting go of "our story" which really is a fantasy world and my refusing to live in obvious reality. I'm trying to combat this with praising myself for getting out before it got really entrenched (moving to a new city w/child) and looking at how much better I'm doing daily. I also try to focus on what I want a relationship to nourish in me. I really don't like looking at how awful I both felt and acted in this connection. I take responsibility for that, but know that as is, I would eventually act the same. That is pretty un-workable. So thanks, keep posting, it really helps and is supportive to read.
Author bboy Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 Poppy, The compulsion of "do something" is so normal! The first reaction is of panic and as a person who is used to "act" to solve problems - this results in a pretty bad situation. You make a fool out of yourself, explaining the deepest love and regrets. Huge sacrifices that we would normally never do if everything was normal. What comes second is actually a depression. It really is and this is what many of us goes through. Depressions comes in various strength and leads to anxiety, passivity, weird explanations in our heads - and most of all: We dwell into memories of what it was before the depression. This is a dangerous period, since we need to be able to push back the memories and have clear thoughts. (Good Luck Sleeping...) What is natural in a depression is that we get our physical abilities back, since our bodies comes back to life. At the same time as our brains dig deeper into the misery we have. This is really a dangerous moment. This is when we start reconnect to our former ones and figure we can solve things if we just meet and talk. You have to be REALLY strong to not feed the behaviour. It comes from the junk our memories flashes into our heads. In parallel to this, this is the most dangerous moment for people who are mentally depressed (in much larger extent than one might feel now). The reactivate physically and become capable of acting - however the brain brings up so much crap, that this is the moment when they are capable of hurting themselves. So what can be done here is the usual things we're tired of hearing. Stay the h*ll away from alcohol!A good physical shape creates a good mental health. Workout!Eat healthy. We're talking fish, slow carbon hydrates and so on. This will encourage your body to produce the right chemicals.Everyday will be a battle. It's going to be your mental power against your brains memories.You'll need to push these memories away and start doing positive things for you.Once you get positive feedback from things - with people saying: You're looking good today. Got a new outfit? Nice shoes, they match your suit. Etc etc... This will push you out of the depression. Keep in mind that your dreams, memories and so on are spooking with your head. This is NOT how you'd be when your in a normal state. It's a physical reaction. You HAVE to realise that this will NOT be your day-by-day feeling for the rest of your life. And for those of you who think depressions are weird. About every adult goes through at LEAST one real depression in their lives and probably more than one. These depressions are usually a combination of things such as relationships, but also a lot of other variables. Start sorting those out!
Author bboy Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 Thank you bboy. Like you, this is not my first go-round with a NC breakup. I built some muscles prior to this that are coming in handy right now. Some of the things you mentioned are currently helping me (I'm in the 1st month) One is constantly reminding myself that I can call/write later, but now I'm going to either be utterly ignored (I will risk humiliating myself) or, god forbid, end up re-uniting without any chance of change (not enough time) having occurred. I don't want the relationship as it was if I'm honest with myself. I don't like ME in this relationship when all is said and done. I don't do well reacting to some of the behavior and it hurts dreadfully. That being said, at odd moments I get this compulsion to "do something" and often that takes hold in some of the ways you mentioned. Currently I'm trying to digest letting go of "our story" which really is a fantasy world and my refusing to live in obvious reality. I'm trying to combat this with praising myself for getting out before it got really entrenched (moving to a new city w/child) and looking at how much better I'm doing daily. I also try to focus on what I want a relationship to nourish in me. I really don't like looking at how awful I both felt and acted in this connection. I take responsibility for that, but know that as is, I would eventually act the same. That is pretty un-workable. So thanks, keep posting, it really helps and is supportive to read. Poppy, I follow your posts too. We've run into the same type of personality and they can create real sh*t around them. P/A is a very EGO thing to do and it often roots in much deeper things than we can understand. Keep in mind that even though you can feel that you could save this person, this is a wish and not a fact. Second thing that comes in mind is, is this really your destiny? Trying to work with a person like this for the rest of your life? Imagine the pain that you will walk through by always knowing that this behaviour will probably always be there and it will always haunt you in that relationship that it might come to the surface any time. I'm a type A personality with a little bit too big heart. (Though most think I'm stone cold). P/A combined with a frustrated type A is just an accident waiting to happen.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Me too (type A with big heart) I'm also an eldest child. I don't like conflict, but I don't run from it and expect at least some difficulty. I can be known to over-extend myself emotionally. I have not had is a PA type in my relationship past. I swear if he went head to head in full raging I would do far better than this crap. What I found was that I often got into weird protector roles, that usually I don't have in relationship. Here's an example: he has some obvious fair-weather friends, one of whom is/was his roommate. They tend toward the shallow, which is fine, but it's sort of nuts when they are just downright rude. He is in his early 40's and most kinda drop those sorts by then (in my experience) So to continue, this was the pattern: He would tell me these things (X asks me to go to bar with him and then X left me there more than once) then if I responded: "well he seems shallow and is obviously not a good friend to you, as doing this is selfish" he would get all defensive about X and moreover, start treating me like I'm the bad person who is horribly judging this "friend". I found myself completely screwed up and would start basically a "case" for why I thought X was not a good friend, combined with hurt/anger about the fact that I'm now being put on the defensive about whether I am a judgmental bad person. By the way, I am now the ONLY person yelling, about someone I don't really give a crap about and an issue that is not my problem... Aka: projection of rage. What I don't like is I got very hooked into this lunacy. I would promise myself over and over I was not going have this occur and whammo, once again I am protectively going on and on about something that is not my issue, arguing the OBVIOUS like it was The Scopes Monkey Trial. Basically, for a person like me and not to be sexist, but also that I am a female, I don't like being on this level of Big Sister/Mommy/School Teacher with little Johnny not seeing a car in the road...I felt I was continuously screaming "Watch out" but unlike a child, this person would say "wow, you are really judgmental/angry blah blah" and you know what? I was..I was also so damn frustrated and (serious problem with me) trying to figure it out and what the hell was wrong with me. I've just never had this. I've also never been with anyone who downright refuses to have any anger or range of emotion. By the way, his life is chaos in every direction: friendships/financial/occupationally/relationships/familial. I also could often feel the anger, he would say irrationally vengeful/provocative things completely disproportionate to the occasion, but in an even keeled voice. I ended up feeling like a bad person, I knew I had gotten PO in frustration and I would feel like I just went crazy. Actually, I'm liking writing this, I was feeling pretty ick today about the situation. This is reminding me, again, I did the right thing. Hard to breakup with such a "nice guy"
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