Butilovehim Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Ok so I've been with my partner for 15 yrs. Im 29 his 32. We have had Ups downs and sideways. All settled & just bought our second house together. He has 3 single very single sleazy constantly on the prowl friends. He has gone on a 3 week boys holiday to Thailand! We have been there together before but we all know what Phuket and Thailand is known for. His mates are not the type that they feel this is wrong and have bragged bout the ladies they will be sleeping with. So his their now and after a couple of days calls me. Tells me that they have been out every night his friends have been sleeping and paying for sex and that on the second night he was in the room when it happened and claimed he went back to sleep.. But was laughing bout it and said he has seen another side to phuket. Im ridiculously upset and tell him so. He says he has nothing to hide and I leave it at that cause I don't want to ruin his holiday but make it clear how upset and uncomfortable I am with him being around women like that for the next 3 weeks. So now it's halfway into his holi but I'm miserable, not sleeping ad constantly feeling sick and crying to think that his round people like this and thinks it's ok. He says he will call then doesn't so cause I'm not sleeping I'm up at all hours waiting for the call that's not coming. Am I over reacting for feeling this way and wanting him to come home?
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Am I over reacting for feeling this way and wanting him to come home? Not really, sounds to me like he has yellow fever and is doing some debauched things. Good luck.
Angel1111 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 (edited) I'm not really sure why he thinks you should be okay with this crap. I wouldn't be. I think you'll need to consider that he took this trip in order to have some 'fun'. He's with guys who are obviously morally challenged so they're not going to talk him out of doing anything wrong. Unfortunately because the two of you have been together since such a young age, he may feel like he has missed out on fun - which is why he likes being around the guys he's around. I don't think you're overreacting but now that he's there, there's not a lot you can do about it. I think if I were you, I wouldn't be available when he calls for the next couple of days and let him wonder what you're doing. When you do talk to him, just listen and don't act like you're jealous - this only makes things worse. Or don't talk to him at all. When he gets home, that will be the time to talk. Or you can leave for a 3-wk trip to the Carribean the day before he arrives back home; or just move out. One of those things might get your message across. haha Edited August 12, 2010 by Angel1111
Author Butilovehim Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Lol u have made me smile and laugh! Thank u ur reply couldn't be more true!
Woggle Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Are men not allowed to have to have a vacation with their friends? I go out with my friends all the time and my wife does not raise a fuss. Some of them are players as well but that has nothing to do with me. I wonder how people would feel if the genders were reversed.
Pyro Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Are men not allowed to have to have a vacation with their friends? I go out with my friends all the time and my wife does not raise a fuss. Some of them are players as well but that has nothing to do with me. I wonder how people would feel if the genders were reversed. but how would she feel if you were with them in another state and telling her that you were in the room with them while they were having sex with hookers and you were laughing about it? Thats a bit different then going to a local bar with friends. Someone in a commited relationship IMO has no place going somewhere that is notorious for prostitutes/hookers.
Angel1111 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Are men not allowed to have to have a vacation with their friends? I go out with my friends all the time and my wife does not raise a fuss. Some of them are players as well but that has nothing to do with me. I wonder how people would feel if the genders were reversed. If the genders were reversed, the man would be going out of his skull. I have never been with a man who would be ok with me going away for 3 wks - particularly with a couple of women who were known for sleeping around. However, that's one of the big reasons why I'm no longer with any of those guys because they were too controlling and wouldn't let me have my freedom. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with a guy going off with his buddies. I think that's one of those things that's a necessity - each person keeping their own individuality. But her bf is in a compromising situation and doesn't follow thru when he says he'll call. Plus she doesn't trust him and probably has a reason for that - either because he's acting evasive or whatever. What he needs to do is just not make promises about when he'll call. The rest is subjective - she really has no idea what he's doing and she'll probably never know. It just comes down to trust. But I'd bet that if the roles were reversed, I doubt he'd be very accepting of it.
BiAxident Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 No, you are not overreacting at all. I'm in a situation much tamer than that, but still upset from my SO being on vacation and not really caring to get a hold of me. How much trust do you have in your partner? How was your relationship doing before he left on this vacation? Personally, I am preparing myself for the possibility that once my SO returns from vacation, our relationship will end. It may not, and it might be the case that your partner has remained faithful during the duration of his trip and you have nothing to worry about. Nevertheless, if you expect the worst, you can only be pleasantly suprised.
Woggle Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 If the genders were reversed, the man would be going out of his skull. I have never been with a man who would be ok with me going away for 3 wks - particularly with a couple of women who were known for sleeping around. However, that's one of the big reasons why I'm no longer with any of those guys because they were too controlling and wouldn't let me have my freedom. . So these guys were encroaching on your freedom but somehow she is not encroching on his?
Angel1111 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 (edited) So these guys were encroaching on your freedom but somehow she is not encroching on his? He went on the trip so I don't see how she's encroaching. He's giving her reason to be distrustful of him and that's what she has a problem with. Edited August 12, 2010 by Angel1111
Author Butilovehim Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Ok let me clear a few things up. I trust my man. I'm also no twit and knowthat he would be encouraging his mates to misbehave. Relationship is fine and ifthe roles were reversed I know he would be encouraging me not to worry to let my hair down ad enjoy myself. Just cause his mates do it doesn't make me think he will however as I said at the same time I'm sure that his not at home having milk and cookies while his mates are out socializing and doing whatever else. I'm happy for him to go away and have boy time that's cool. It's more that I'm uncomfortable that his in that situation and more so thinks it's funny. We have spoken of children in the next few yrs and just makes me think about the whole relationship cause he thinks that it's ok for his mates to behave that way and that surprises me. I'm also really unfortable knowing that his hanging around women every night with mates that are just distasteful and cheap. I don't agree with it, in my mind that's someones daughter and it's not funny it's actually sad that these countries need to pretend it's ok cause it's how they survive. Sorry got a little deep there...
BiAxident Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 You have every right to be uncomfortable with him being in such a situation. His finding it funny? It seems to me that could be interpreted as a good thing, if he finds it funny in a "wow, these guys are pretty wild, they are going to be sorry when their ****s twist sideways from all the diseases" sort of way. The fact that he finds it okay for his single, unattached, bachelor friends to be behaving in such a way? That sounds like a point for discussion, but not a reason to call into question the entirety of your relationship with him. So long as he doesnt find it alright if he himself is engaging in such behavior. Otherwise, you simply disagree on the morality of his friends supporting the sex trade.
Woggle Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 His friends are single and unattached. What they do is their business.
Author Butilovehim Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 I totally agree that what his friends do is their business as much as I think they are sad and pathetic I'm uncomfortable that my man is around that. Surely people wouldn't be comfortable if the roles were reversed?? I understandthat his there now and his mates are his mates but regardless of mates or not there are morales and the right thing to do and I don't think him or his mates are considering any of that.
Woggle Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 There are things my friends do that I don't agree with but they are still brothers and that bond is for life unless they betray me. A woman should understand that. Men might not show a lot of outward affection towards friends but the bond is real.
Els Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I don't get what's with everyone and Thailand though frankly. Hat Yai is famous for its prostitutes, but other than that the rest of Thailand isn't much sleazier than most USA cities. Phuket is just a frickin' island. Most of Thailand's sexual fame comes from its ladyboys, to be honest. Everything else that you can get there, you can get from the USA as well.
Author Butilovehim Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Trust me I totally agree with the bond. I know friends of mine that think I'm mad for being ok with my man going away at all. I'm not like that I believe it healthy for both people to be able to have their own time. I guess I would be more comfortable if he wasn't in a country that revolves around prostitution. I also think that it the 3 weeks... I mean seriously if they were traveling around... Sure thing but 3 full weeks round that makes me squirm. I know it's dumb but I don't want to look at his mates I think it's disgusting and isn't my man just as bad for encouraging it?? Maybe I'm over reacting and this is all normal boy/ man stuff???
Els Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Honey, The main reason people go to Phuket, for one, ISN'T the prostitutes. Sure his friends are getting laid left and right, but I wager they'd do the same ANYWHERE they go.
Author Butilovehim Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Re Thailand I have been to Thailand several times with my man. We however have experienced that as a couple which is totally different than 3 single men would experience. More so he has told me what's been going on and that Phuket is sleazy and cheap and all about sex! That he has seen a totally new side of Phuket. Not only that but bangkok is supposed to be worse which is their next stop..
Author Butilovehim Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Yes agree bout trying to get it or at least try hahaa (i get they are human) where ever they go... but I think that it makes it ok and accepted.
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I personally would be deeply uncomfortable about this and don't feel it should be turned into a man vs woman issue. I think men would be equally uncomfortable if the roles were reversed. This issue isn't about encroaching on mens freedom or friendships, its about the fact that when in a relationship, that relationship and the other persons sense of well-being and happiness should be a high priority. I personally WOULDN'T go on holiday with people that were of a different moral stance to me. For instance if a group of my friends wanted to go on a drugs and sex holiday, I wouldn't go because I don't do drugs and I wouldn't want to sleep around. Surely to go on one of those holidays, if YOU aren't going to participate, is pretty pointless. I can just see your partners friends flirting, drinking and sleeping around whilst your partner does...what exactly? I don't understand what else he is doing other than secretly doing it or awkwardly hanging around. It wouldn't be something i'd like at all. Now he is there, there is nothing you can do, but I do find it disrespectful. Add to that he can't call you when he said he would, it sounds he is having too much fun to think about you being worried.
Pyro Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 (edited) His friends are single and unattached. What they do is their business. There are things my friends do that I don't agree with but they are still brothers and that bond is for life unless they betray me. A woman should understand that. Men might not show a lot of outward affection towards friends but the bond is real. Woggle read this post below and tell us how you would HONESTLY feel if your wife was the guy that the OP is referring to. I would love to hear just how comfortable you'd be with her going overseas with untrustworthy friends and being around man whores. I bet if ANY woman you read about on here had friends like he does then you would rant about how its disrespectful to the guy to have friends like that. I personally would be deeply uncomfortable about this and don't feel it should be turned into a man vs woman issue. I think men would be equally uncomfortable if the roles were reversed. This issue isn't about encroaching on mens freedom or friendships, its about the fact that when in a relationship, that relationship and the other persons sense of well-being and happiness should be a high priority. I personally WOULDN'T go on holiday with people that were of a different moral stance to me. For instance if a group of my friends wanted to go on a drugs and sex holiday, I wouldn't go because I don't do drugs and I wouldn't want to sleep around. Surely to go on one of those holidays, if YOU aren't going to participate, is pretty pointless. I can just see your partners friends flirting, drinking and sleeping around whilst your partner does...what exactly? I don't understand what else he is doing other than secretly doing it or awkwardly hanging around. It wouldn't be something i'd like at all. Now he is there, there is nothing you can do, but I do find it disrespectful. Add to that he can't call you when he said he would, it sounds he is having too much fun to think about you being worried. Edited August 12, 2010 by Pyro
Anela Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I read your previous threads. How are you feeling about this now? I wouldn't like it - especially if he wasn't checking in (although, I guess that would be no guarantee of anything).
Author Butilovehim Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Hi Anela Thank you for reading my other thread. I'm honestly fine with my man and we are in a wonderful place in our relationship at the moment. I trust him I truly just hate to think that he is ok with his closest friends having such extremely different opinions. I personally couldn't do it. We have bought another house together and now talking bout the possibility of kids... Scary thought for me but exciting. Since I last wrote he has called me every night so I'm feeling better bout it all. Final verdict for me is I most certainly will not be agreeing to a 3 week holiday withthe boys... It's just too long I miss him loads and wouldn't go away for 3 weeks with the girls. Thank you all for your thoughts it truly helps and puts a different spin on things.
Forget About Her Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Honestly, let's get real for a minute. You have been with him since he was 17, and you really expected to be the last person he slept with for the rest of his life? MAYBE...MAYBE there are a few girls in this world that could pull it off, but when you get with someone at such a young age, they ARE going to stray. No guy in the world that is remotely outgoing, social, and moderately good looking is going to go through his 20's and not test the waters. It's kind of like the NBA wives syndrome. You can just accept the reality of your situation and take solace in knowing that he really loves you and the other girls don't mean ****, or you can leave. BUT, it's going to happen. A 3 week vacation to Thailand with his boys? And you don't think he's plowing any fields over there? Seriously, get real! I only went to Costa Rica for the fishing charters, too. :/
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