Dad_of_2_great_boys Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 My wife admitted to having an affair EA/PA over the last year to 18 months. She may still be having the affair (because I know she visited his apartment after she told me it was over). I believe a divorce is the correct option for my situation - BUT I hear advice to not make life altering decisions because I am in a fog. I turned 43 today. Some life is gone but some is still ahead (Hopefully much). I don't believe I can waste anymore waiting on additional clarity. Hopefully, I am past the fog and not just fooled by it. How do you know when you are seeing clearly? Or will you always be second guessing yourself?
spriggig Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Can you remain calm while vividly imagining her having sex with the OM? Have you stopped snooping? Are you making changes in your life--diet, exercise, self-improvement--with her response in mind or are you truly doing it for yourself?
Author Dad_of_2_great_boys Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Can you remain calm while vividly imagining her having sex with the OM? Controlled maybe not perfectly calm. I even have been at our wellness center on a treadmill next to her long-term boyfriend - self-restrained from even speaking to him. Have you stopped snooping? Mostly I am still watching her actions as it may pertain to my case for custody and adultery but stopped monitoring phone records (when she got her own plan). and credit cards (when I stopped paying her accounts.) Are you making changes in your life--diet, exercise, self-improvement--with her response in mind or are you truly doing it for yourself? YES & NO. The past several months of physical self improvement have been for myself and my sons. I have a weight loss goal which will allow me to backpack in Philmont (Cimmaron) NM in 2011 or 2012 with my oldest son. Beautiful place. It has been 20+ years but I doubt it has changed much. None of it has to due with the STBXW I think you helped validate my clarity. Thanks. Where are you in NM?
wrencn Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I was just wondering the same thing. My husband works with his EA and I believe he is now involved in some sad little love triangle. My husband has a very bad habit of fixating one person and putting them on a pedestal and then believing the sun rises and sets on their behinds. I went snooping tonight for the first time since we separated nearly 4 weeks ago. Not sure why... I guess I felt he was trying to do little things to put one foot in the door. 18 months is a long time. I've heard affairs fizzle out within 6 months but who knows... Best of luck to you. Stay strong and don't snoop. She isn't the woman you fell in love with, she is an alien in your wife's body. Just remember that! I've gotta try to remember it myself.
Author Dad_of_2_great_boys Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 (edited) 18 months is a long time. I've heard affairs fizzle out within 6 months but who knows... Supposedly, she met this guy at the bingo hall over a year ago. Texting and phone calls for a long time. Still don't understand the relationship or how it evolved. (And to spriggig's point - I don't feel a whole lot of need to anymore) According to STBXW, physical affair started November 2009 and stopped around May 2009 (hey 6 months till the first ending). Her past phone records would collaborate that but then a few months went by and he reopened contact. wrencn - is the need to snoop really a need for validation or the hope that you will find out they are in worse place? Edited August 12, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys
michaelhopes Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Fog?? I don't care what she's done, I love her and want this marriage to work..... THAT would be fog.....
wrencn Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I haven't snooped up until now because I really didn't want to know what he was up to. I would like to believe it was because I didn't care but now I think it was because I just couldn't face it. I finally went snooping because I needed to see if my old husband was back. He isn't. He's still a mess and I'm starting to feel deep anger towards what he put me through over this girl from work. The thing is, he knows I know his password, which is why he has multiple email accounts I don't have access to but he's buying movie tickets online (for two) from that account and registering for a craigslist account from that email address (he's been caught answering the personals from there while we were married). Why do it on the email address I have access to? And if he's doing that kinda stuff where I can see it, what is he doing that I don't know about. I guess I needed validation for moving on with my life and not feeling guilty about it. And he's been slacking as a parent and keeping money from me so I was trying to put two and two together.
twisted&alone Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I would ask myself, "what fog do they see?" because exercising beside the OM and remaining aloof would say to me you have said, "I can live without her" and not feel like a vise is gripping your heart or causing your stomach to ache. I would relate "fog" to the same state one is in when they fall in love...there are fine lines between emotions but I believe it fits ... "we don't see clearly, we wait by the phone, wonder what the other person is doing, create reasons to talk or see them..." etc... I wish you the best!
seibert253 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Unless she's totally truthful, honest, and most importantly, TOTALLY TRANSPARENT, then she's not remorseful and still in the fog. At least IMO. She has her own phone plan and credit cards, dude she's gone. Doesn't sound like a remorseful WW to me. Unless both of you are totally committed to your M, then you don't have one. If I were you I'd file and have her served. The two greatest tools for defogging: 1. Exposure 2. Being served with D papers Worked for me. Peace,
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