worldoftrouble Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I met my current boyfriend 2 years ago. We fell in love kinda quickly. I moved in a few months later (not a good idea at all). My family was not happy about this and honestly it was bad timing because my mom and step dad were going through a divorce. During that time my boyfriend was working a really terrible job and he then got fired. For about the majority of our relationship he was dealing with depression. I became the bread winner of the house. My family continued to dislike him because they felt he was not good enough for me. I defended him but their minds was made up, especially my grandmother. I felt caught in the middle. I loved my boyfriend, but at the same time I love my family and wanted to make them happy. As time went by I began to listen to my family and admittedly got frustrated with him. I got tired of working two jobs and the stress. We began to have ill feelings towards eachother and I broke up with him. I moved back home. Finally a job opportunity came about for him. He was happier because he could take care of his finances, but for a while he was still bitter towards me for the break up. We eventually began to talk again and now we trying to reconcile. I still stay at home and we don't plan on moving in together unless we are married. We are starting over and trying to do things the right way. We both have issues we need to sort out before we make an major steps. I feel like we have the friendship we should of had at first. We actually date. My mother is not exactly happy, but she said I'm grown woman and I could do what I want. My grandma on the other hand is stressed out. I'm worried becaue she has high blood pressure. Once again I am in a situation where I am caught in the middle. I don't want to end things with him again unless we absolutely don't get along. At the same time I love my family and I don;t want anything happening to my grandma. I want them to accept him. What should I do?
Angel1111 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 There has to be more to this than your family not liking him because of not having a job. What else are they so opposed to about him? There must be something. I can't imagine that if, overall, he's a great guy that they would judge him solely on that one thing. Usually family and friends are a very good barometer for judging the character of someone we're in a relationship with and if they don't like the person, there's usually a good reason. If your family really has no real objections, then I wouldn't worry about what they think. But if they do have reason to be concerned, then you would be smart to listen to them. Ultimately, it's your decision and you can't let yourself be pressured by a relative who has high blood pressure. She needs to make the choice to not let herself get so wound up about it that it affects her health.
Author worldoftrouble Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 That seems to be the main thing. They are concerned about whether or not he'll be a good provider for me. They feel like he used me during the first part of our relationship. Also during his depression he came across as having a negative attitide. One day while my grandma was talking to him, he walked away from her because he thought she was finished with what she had to say. I didn't quite realize either until what happened until she told me. I told him how she felt, he said he didn't realize what he did and he wanted to apologize. She doesn't even want him near her home since then. It's like she hates him.
Angel1111 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Well, was he using you? Did he look for a job consistently while he was unemployed? Did he cook dinner and help you out while you worked two jobs? I'm not really one to be very sympathetic about depression because I think it's an overused term where people use it as a crutch to whine about their lives and stay stuck. I've had some really tough breaks in life and have been depressed many times but I had a child to raise and didn't have the luxury of checking out and being self-indulgent. I'm sure there are serious clinical cases of true depression but I'm not sure if your bf fits that category. I think a lot of this depends on your view of him. Did you feel used? Obviously you got annoyed enough with the situation to leave. Just because he was unemployed didn't give him the right to stop trying. What you'll notice is that when a person is under duress is when you see their true character, what they're really made of. Is he going to be someone you can lean on, or does he just expect you to be there for him? Is he someone you respect? These are important issues that you can't overlook.
Author worldoftrouble Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 I understand what you mean. Those are some of the things that need to be sorted out before we could make any major steps. He did look for a job, but he was limited by transportation issues ( no car). Honestly I felt he could have tried harder, but I was gone most of he day so I didn't see him apply for every job. He did, however, cook and clean around the house. I feel like his depression (or at least his reason for being depressed) was legit to him. If it were me I would have handled myself differently. I'm more of a go getter which is why I became annoyed with him being so depressed. I see where he is chaning for the better, but the only true test is if he faces another tough situation.
Angel1111 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I think I stated that wrong before about depression. I do understand getting depressed. What I don't understand is using it as an excuse to check out. From the sound of it, it doesn't really sound like he used you. At least he helped out - that says a lot to me. I do get that he was depressed and a lot of men don't take unemployment very well. But it sounds like he did the best he could under the circumstances. I have a friend who was married to a guy who didn't work for a long time and she worked herself to death. Then she came home and dealt with all the problems there. What he really wanted was someone to mommy him. That doesn't work with most women. They're divorced now but that didn't happen until he got a really good-paying job and decided he didn't need his mommy anymore. Again, I'm not getting that impression about your bf but I thought it was important for you to get clear on it. And still that's your call - I'm just letting you know what my impression is. I don't know. Overall it's probably worth giving the relationship a shot. As far as your grandmother is concerned, all he can do is apologize and then let his behavior in the future speak for itself. If she doesn't want to forgive him, then she's just being immature. I don't see what he's done that's so bad that he needs to be treated with such disdain.
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