OliveOyl Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I've been separated for six months now and reconciliation seems unlikely. I'm not sure where the right place for this post is.. as it's not specifically about relationship issues or my marriage that has been ending. (If this post should be moved, that's fine with me...) But what is throwing me for a loop is not grief over the ending of the marriage but the whole "starting over"/redefining self component. I have been out of the work force for over ten years and I currently take care of our disabled son. I feel my son's situation significantly affects both possible work prospects as well as romantic prospects (not looking to date now but thinking ahead). Because of my son's disability, over the last several years, I not-so-wisely isolated myself socially, and when I was still living with my STBX both of us thought it would be better if I stay at home and not work. (I WANT to work, but whenever I bring that up with my STBX or a couple of other people, they say, "well now is not the best time to be looking for a job..." ) Right now I'm focusing on dealing with things that were put on the back burner (paperwork, finances, appointments, etc.) But I feel really adrift, with nothing to grasp onto - except for taking care of my son, of course. Anyway, my question isn't about the specifics of finding a job or friends, or a date but more, if anyone was in a similar position of feeling like they were completely "starting over" -- how did you deal with it?
You Go Girl Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 What's your unfinished and neglected dream? You only have one life...don't let that dream get away from you. Start there.
RedDevil66 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I've had to start over a few times, All i can say is, one day at a time and one foor in front of the other. There is no plan, just make one goal each day Good luck
BetweenHere&There Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 OliveOyl - This is actually a good subject to bring up...one that I have been pondering for a while myself. What used to be dysfunctional to me in the past is now the new "normal". I sit back and think do I really miss coming home to a house full of chaos...or is it the silence that is deafening now? Friends want you to do what they want you to do....want to go out, want you to come over as if you have no other responsibilities...want you to be just like them, want to be the person who approves or disapproves of the choices you make in your life. "Are you going out with "her" tonight, well I can't go with you because I don't like her." Or, "who are you talking to, is it "that" person again?". It really makes you want to just throw your hands up in the air and say that's enough....enough has been taken from me....the world as I knew it is over...the plans for a future have significantly changed and I have to rebuild me all over again. This is the point where you become you, not what your friends want you to be, live where they want you to live, be who they think you should be...it's about you and what makes you happy. I learn this by looking at these well-meaning people and see that they are alone and miserable decades after their divorces....because they either never moved on from their spouses or because they put everything into their kids. Today, with the kids grown....they have no one. Do we ever forget....no, we don't.....but it doesn't mean that we stop loving or living, ourselves or anyone that deserves that from us and what we deserve. It's about finding the things that we like to do....finding those small successes that are significant to us even if they mean nothing to someone else. It's about living....yes, differently than we knew before, but about living for ourselves.
D-Lish Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I've started over- twice. Once after my divorce, then again a few years later after I lost my business in the recession. Both times I had to hang my head low, move back to my parents house and re-build my life. Both times, I somehow managed to get through it, and you will too. It's best to just deal with things on a day to day basis at first. You'll be surprised at how resilient a human being can be when faced with adversity.
backadit Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Almost like I wrote this myself. I am separated three weeks and am filing tomorrow. My son has CP, due to premature birth, although it is towards the very mild spectrum. I have never had good luck with women. two marraiges, two disasters. At any rate, someone had said "what's your dream?" This is dead on. I am going back to school for my second degree and am constantly bothered by doubts and worries. I am lucky enough, however, to have a great family that supports me and is letting me live with them until I am back on my feet. As far as isolation goes... that is not real. Isolation is a by product of insecurity and/or shyness. Don't let it become a prison. Practice this: next chance you get wherever whenever start a random conversation. Butt in and add your two cents. Anything just make a little noise. don't expect anything from it and don't put any weight on their reaction. do this a few times and enjoy realizing you can meet people and you will. Most important keep your head up. Self doubt is the worst thing for progress. A counselor or even an online chat room where you can vent may be invaluable I wish you the best
twisted&alone Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 What's your unfinished and neglected dream? You only have one life...don't let that dream get away from you. Start there. Potent words:True as the day can be long during our struggles to navigate the ship called life. I completely agree; what is the one thing you have left on the "back burner" and the same feeling for it is still there? It may take time, negotiation, and determination to achieve, but no one has the right to tell you what "time is best." You control that and I can tell by your post you are a loving mother, so your friends and family should know that you would only choose what is best for you and your child. Best of luck to you - we can do anything we set our minds and hearts towards; don't let anyone tell you different!
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