When they try to reconcile...

[September]

Here's a thought I had recently while trying to just get through the damn day. In real life, I own my own little retail business. It isn't very lucrative but I am my own boss. I set my own hours and I deal only with myself and customers. This isn't the most fulfilling job and it isn't my dream. Some days are okay without drama or worry but none are blissful and wonderful.

 

So what keeps here? Well, my retail biz is established and has an inventory. A relatively large inventory. What would I do with all that stuff? Dump it and lose the investment? Some of the items in inventory I really like and I would miss them and regret having dumped them. Do I just put it all into storage? Knowing that I can come back and get everything but still paying out forever on inventory that isn't making me money? This is a difficult decision/situation.

 

Then there is the side of me that thinks if I found another job and got rid of the inventory, what if the new job wasn't really "it"? What if there were other employees that I didn't get along with? What if the new employee (me) gets downsized. Now what? I'm back at square one but without that all important inventory that stocked a job I knew well but wasn't really satisfied with.

 

Hmmmm....

 

Perhaps this is a poor metaphor but it helped me see some things a little more clearly. You are all going to think I'm nuts....

 

No, I don't think you are nuts and I think it's a great metaphor!

[chalkfarm]

Billie,

Just because he has stayed with his wife doesn't mean that when he was in the A he was using you. I am a BS and even I can understand that during my H's affair that he thought that his alternative life was making him happy. Some MM have A's because they can separate their M lives and their A lives, it isn't fair, it isn't good for either the BS or the OW, but each believe what they are told. When reality catches up with them, they are forced to face their actions. The MM sounds like he has had to face up to reality and realises that his M is where he wants to be. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you were used, you just believed, and that is human nature, to believe those we love and trust.

 

I hope you don't give yourself too hard a time of things and can move on and chalk it up to experience.

 

Wow! What a kind non-judgmental response. Very nice!

[bentnotbroken]

This is a great thread.

 

I have just read all posts to catch up on the conversation.

Firstly just want to thank everyone who has posted as reading this thread has been a great source of comfort/help to me.

 

I was recently having an affair with a MM. He was more into it than me. He said his marriage was ok, but he could not feel he could talk freely with his wife. He had cheated on their 35 year marriage over 30 times and a few of those were long term affairs (one with her best friend) which she does still not know about.

 

He wanted to be with me and told me he was going to tell her. I did everything I could to make him think about his actions, think about what it would mean, his kids, his life, everything. My feelings had developed for him and I was putting what I wanted aside to try and safeguard him from the disruption that coming clean about me would cause. But he was adamant that he wanted to be with me. He convinced me it was the right thing to do and we set about planning our life together.

He then told his wife.

 

She was upset and hurt (as you would expect) and they both admitted to each other that their marriage had not been good for over 10 years. She said that she forgave him and she wanted to try and fix their marriage.

He told he on tuesday and on friday (yesterday) he contacted me and told me he was going to stay at home, with his wife and that he could not see me anymore and would have no further contact with me. - I was devastated, hurt, felt abandoned and shocked.

 

before he told her, I suggested to him that maybe he should try and tell his wife he was unhappy (without mentioning his affair with me) so that he could see if his marriage could be saved, but he was not interested in doing this - he wanted me.

 

Anyway, I am now alone and still in shock. I miss him and want him back (how stupid am I!?!) and most of all I am worried for him. He just wanted happiness and now he is in a broken marriage that is going to be stressful and hard to fix.

 

He is a fool, in one swoop he has ruined his marriage and his relationship with me, when he did not need to. If he wanted to fix his marriage he could have done it when I gave him a get out clause with me. Instead he convinced me that I was the one.

 

I told him that if he really wants to make a go of his marriage then his wife deservers to know about all of his affairs, including the one with his secretary who is also his wife's best friend. He said, he couldn't tell her about that affair because it would hurt her even more. I told him that his attempt at fixing his marriage will never work if he does not come clean about everything. - I was mad and hurt when I told him this, but I honestly believe its true.

 

He can not start to reconcile a marriage whilst harbouring other secrets.

I am confused and found this thread as I was trying to find out if a marriage van survive after an admission of an affair. I hope they can fix it because I don’t want him to be unhappy, but I also don’t want it to work out because I stupidly still want him.

 

He ruined his marriage with the first cheating:sick:. He is really a piece of work that his wife deserves to know is nothing more than a......

Edited August 15, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[wheelwright]

No, I don't think you are nuts and I think it's a great metaphor!

 

Agreed. On the money.

 

The metaphor is hard though. But they all are...

[wheelwright]

He ruined his marriage with the first cheating:sick:. He is really a piece of work that his wife deserves to know is nothing more than a waste of human flesh.

 

A lot of your posts BNB speak of faith.

 

And it seems yours is an unshakable kind that we all admire (in films etc.?)

 

Have you ever questioned your own faith? Which seems to be when 'G**' is most evident? I just mean that the questioning seems to be a big part of many religious people's lives?

 

Through doubt we come to know ourselves?

 

Or you are completely in the know?

Edited August 15, 2010 by wheelwright
chastising? exploring?

[bentnotbroken]

A lot of your posts BNB speak of faith.

 

And it seems yours is an unshakable kind that we all admire (in films etc.?)

 

Have you ever questioned your own faith? Which seems to be when 'G**' is most evident? I just mean that the questioning seems to be a big part of many religious people's lives?

 

Through doubt we come to know ourselves?

 

Or you are completely in the know?

 

 

I guess I have two answers. I question my OWN faith in myself, my abilities and the people around me everyday. I have and will have days of mustard seed faith and days of enough faith to help pass on to anyone who wants it. All the questions that I had about the whys, hows, and whens were a huge part of most of my life. When things were going my way...my faith was great(easy huh?). When things were horrible and nothing seemed to be going right...I not only questioned God...I probably cursed him too. (brilliant on my part:().

 

When I figured out that I am capable of nothing, worth nothing, will never be anything without the blood that Jesus shed for my sins, to make me whole...I no longer had to question myself or Him. I am complete...meaning I will always be content to learn and grow as I try to give only a piece of what was given to me.

 

And yes there are things that I am completely in the know about. I know that I will never be able to change the things of my past, yet they are forgiven never to be brought up again. I know that one day I will be with those I love again. I know that I will always sin and fall short, but everyday is full of new grace and mercy. I know that we all have that same gift available to us if we chose it. I know that it isn't too late to discover who you are and what your purpose is until that last breath. And I know without a doubt God hates the sin, but loves us sinners.

 

Will I have days that I say, "why me?" I can guarantee it...but those are the days that the faith you already have comes to anchor you and build even stronger faith for the next test. And just for the record...religious isn't something that I think of myself. I think of my self as a follower of Christ. Religion is made for men by men. I just want to follow Christ not the rules of a particular sect

Edited August 15, 2010 by bentnotbroken

[BB07]

A beautiful statement of your faith.......Bent.

[seren]

Seren, thank you for that. I have read a few of your posts and see that you made your marriage work after an afair. How did you both do it, did he tell you everything? How long did it take to fix.

 

I hope that for him, if he does want to be in his marriage that he makes it work. He told me that he and his wife both admitted it had been bad for years. I hope they can use this to build on it. - if not then everyone's suffering will have been in vain.

 

Billie, I say this with the best of intentions, it really doesn't matter how or how long it takes to fix a marriage or for how the people in that marriage do it. Concentrate on you, after a D Day, for most of us, the attention is spent fixing the marriage, coming to terms with what has happened. yes, I had everything, including the OW's take on it and like you she was hurting and like you wondering if all he had said were lies. Everyone hurts in the aftermath of D Day, no one, MM included, gets away unscathed (unless they are totally cold).

 

It sounds like you are putting all your energies into hoping MM is happy, please put your energies into assuring that you find happiness. Not so easy, I know, and I understand all the questioning of was I? did I? if only I did ... truth is, we all do this, BS and OW included (we being general we, accept not the same for all). Heal yourself and let them get on with healing their marriage.

Seren

[Billie]

Thanks seren.

 

I know that I am better than him and want more than just being someones bit on the side. I also want more than being a BS because I also think his wife is better and deserves more and deserves to know about all of his affairs.

 

I want to move on and enjoy life and meet someone who really cares for me but I can't let go of the fact that I invested so much time and care in this person. If I allow myself to move on and wish him well I am left wondering if he reasly cared, does he miss me, does he feel like he wishes he was with me, it's hard and whilst I would like his marriage to prosper after this admission I would also like it to fail so that he is hurt too.

 

His wife knows his flaws and still loves him, she puts up with his affairs and dishonesty because she loves him, why would he leave that security when she gives him free reign??

 

Are there any BS's out there who made their marriage work but ever wonder if their husband is ever thinking of his ex OW?

[fooled once]

Thanks seren.

 

I know that I am better than him and want more than just being someones bit on the side. I also want more than being a BS because I also think his wife is better and deserves more and deserves to know about all of his affairs.

 

I want to move on and enjoy life and meet someone who really cares for me but I can't let go of the fact that I invested so much time and care in this person. If I allow myself to move on and wish him well I am left wondering if he reasly cared, does he miss me, does he feel like he wishes he was with me, it's hard and whilst I would like his marriage to prosper after this admission I would also like it to fail so that he is hurt too.

 

His wife knows his flaws and still loves him, she puts up with his affairs and dishonesty because she loves him, why would he leave that security when she gives him free reign??

 

Are there any BS's out there who made their marriage work but ever wonder if their husband is ever thinking of his ex OW?

 

I do get what you are saying and feeling; but what does it matter if he misses you? How is that going to help YOU in the long run? I also get the thought of wanting him to hurt for all the hurt he has done to you. But again, this is holding YOU back and stopping you from moving forward.

 

Would it make you feel better if this guy is missing you? If his words of love to you were real? If so, then believe it. The most important part is YOU healing.

 

His wife has a history with him that you won't ever have. You can only assume she knows how much he has cheated. Maybe he doesn't tell her the truth each time; maybe he makes it out as the OW being infatuated with him and him trying to be kind to her as to not hurt her feelings? You/we do not know and again, it won't help you heal to be involved in their marriage and what they choose to do.

 

Journaling is a great idea. So is writing an email to him and/or her - BUT NOT SENDING IT --- but to just get it out of you.

 

Embrace friends and get out and do not stay at home and hibernate.

 

Good luck to you!!

[White Flower]

Hi White Flower, I too noted your posts that are always compassionate and respectful of others. You are perceptive to pick up on my anger. No doubt our back to back posts on"sympathy for the OM" tipped you off as to me anger.

 

The wounds of the A are still fresh as my WW betrayed both me and her 17 year old daughter. Ours is a long, complicated story and I earned my angels wings when I was still in my 20s. I eagerly tended to a broken W who couldn't walk or talk. She spent 6 weeks in the hospital and the first 2 comatose. A special bond takes root in a young M when you are feeding her baby food, changing her diapers and helping her Slowly to become a normal person again. This while you friends are out having a fun time being regular M couples. It is a bond so strong and so trusting that NOTHING could ever break it, except she didn't care. She didn't see me being up all night, going to her therapy, talking to her doctors and defending her in court. Yes, she was drunk and going to see her then MM. No questions. I just sucked it about and helped her restore her life....and I was happy.

 

I never asked for anything in return but for love, trust and respect. The recipe was pretty simple really. So, she betrays a love that could never be broken and I am crushed and the anger flows from the volcano, White Flower. I do deserve better and many people have told me the same. Thanks for taking an interest. I appreciate it more than you know!

I've been away for a few days visiting family.

 

Your post touches me. I'm so sorry she did not seem to appreciate all you've done for her. You really went the extra mile, a rare gem of a man indeed. I just can't imagine any woman cheating on a man like you.

 

I can't help but think one day she will deeply regret what she's done to you. I hope you both find peace.

 

(((Gfkr2)))

[White Flower]

In the same way the OW/OM put themselves through it, over and over and over. Ultimatums, promises, this time it will be different, this time they'll choose me.

 

Of the two I can better understand and rationalise the potential of a BS flogging a dead horse (perhaps) than an OW. Ironically.

It's only ironic if you value the 'sanctity' of M more than the sanctity of love.

 

It's just easier to fight for what is already legally and familially binding. Perhaps that is why you can understand it more.

 

To me, you climb mountains and tackle anything that gets in the way of true love. But that's just me. (Remember, I DID D, climb mountains, and tackle anything that got in the way of love so I know what I'm talking about).

[White Flower]

(((((((((Hugs)))))))) for both of you...I am totally disgusted at what you both went through...especially you WF.

 

G, I have been the caregiver for H's in the past and they screwed me over, but it wasn't as bad as being in WF's place (which I was) and live the humiliation of an uncaring H (*******.....just keep going with the curse words). I will shut up now because I'm too pissed and will just (********......).

 

I am so sorry you two:mad:

(((PIH)))

 

Your anger tells me it was bad for you at some point too. Thanks for caring so much.

 

I'm just glad I did something about it. I'm happier now, and my exH is even happier now. Hard to believe, but we're finally on friendly terms. I hope and pray that the OP, Gfkr2, and everyone on this thread can eventually find a peaceful existence with their exes because life is too short to live in constant anger.

[Silly_Girl]

It's only ironic if you value the 'sanctity' of M more than the sanctity of love.

 

It's just easier to fight for what is already legally and familially binding. Perhaps that is why you can understand it more.

 

To me, you climb mountains and tackle anything that gets in the way of true love. But that's just me. (Remember, I DID D, climb mountains, and tackle anything that got in the way of love so I know what I'm talking about).

 

You make those vows, WF. You make them, then not only break them but give someone else the love and commitment you vowed to another. If people don't believe in marriage, they shouldn't do it in the first place.

 

It's accepted that after making those vows effort will be required.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm the biggest believer in true and deep love.... And I'll take the actions too, it's not lip service. But I find it interesting that BS's can be belittled for their efforts to repair the relationship when many OW are going through a whole lot more emotional turmoil.

 

And I get the feeling we're talking about True Love versus Dead Marriage. Some of those BS's are fighting to keep their True Love too.

 

I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't believe that Love makes the world go around and is worth the blood, sweat and tears.

[White Flower]

I think that the destruction waged on the M, as a result of an A, means that there is a heck of a lot of damage to clear. That can be nothing but painful in the early days of reconciliation.

 

Here is an analogy: think of clearing up your home after your naughty teenagers had the mother of all parties in your house the night before-paint on the walls, stuff broken, crap everywhere, cigarette burns on the tablecloths, stuff stolen, general mayhem that takes God knows how long to fix! Take a look at the clean up effort and you'd say....misery. But better to clean up to eventually get your beautiful house back, than just move out to live in another house.

 

And imagine the remorse your kids would feel during that massive clean up effort...at the time the party probably felt worth it, but it got too out of control, and they lost their lovely bedroom and their safe family home which takes 100 times longer to clean that it did to mess up!

 

I guess this is sometimes that AP's don't see - so much history and love, and a willingness to try to fix a great deal, even if it is very painful - even if moving out to a new house might be the easiest choice. Maybe the clean up wouldn't work but I am sure so many are motivated to really, really work hard to try to get it back.

It's not just 'AP's. Sometimes it is MPs. The D rate proves that.

 

I happen to be pretty long-suffering in general so I CAN understand it. I tried to repair a broken M for many years.

 

What I can't understand is when they say, 'She'd throw all my packed bags out if she found out'...then when she finds out it just doesn't happen. Either he didn't know her after 4 decades, or she claimed an untruth and didn't follow through with it. That is where the frustration lies.

[White Flower]

My marriage is not a misery, certainly not emotionally exhausting. in fact it is better now than ever, despite the A. Most of us put ourselves through it because we love our husbands and they show that they love us. No rose coloured glasses here, it just is what it is. Bloody marvellous!!

 

Sorry cannot work out how to bold using my new Mac.

Surround the word with asterisks;)

[Snowflower]

Occasionally, I have a look at another website forum which is predominatley used by BS's. In reading their reconciliation forum, I have noticed that there doesn't appear to be too many people doind so well and appear to be very unhappy, even after a couple of years into R.

 

What I have observed is;

 

BS's always have to play detective, constantly ask the WS about the affair, always question their whereabouts, check their phones and emails.

 

WS's constantly have to answer BS's never ending questions about the affair, try incredibly hard to make up for their wrong doing and are and will be forever under "surveillance"

 

My question is. Why do people keep putting themselves through this misery? It would be emotionally exhausting and drive me crazy!

 

I haven't read the entire thread yet and wanted to respond to the OP first.

 

I can see how this assumption can be made about a marriage in recovery...the constant checking by the BS, the surveillance, etc.

 

I won't go into my own marriage's recovery here other than to say that what is described above above isn't always the truth.

 

I think outsiders to the marriage whether it be the former AP or friends, family, acquaintances of the married couple or maybe even more removed-use LS for example-assume a lot about the post-affair marriage.

 

Truth is, no one but the reconciling couple really knows what is going on between them.

 

The rest is just speculation.

[Snowflower]

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm the biggest believer in true and deep love.... And I'll take the actions too, it's not lip service. But I find it interesting that BS's can be belittled for their efforts to repair the relationship when many OW are going through a whole lot more emotional turmoil.

 

And I get the feeling we're talking about True Love versus Dead Marriage. Some of those BS's are fighting to keep their True Love too.

 

I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't believe that Love makes the world go around and is worth the blood, sweat and tears.

 

Silly Girl, as a fBS, thank you for writing this. Especially since I think you are/were involved with a MM?

 

Some BW really feel that their H was their True Love but then are sometimes ridiculed for trying to save the relationship with the man that they truly loved.

 

It means a lot to me that someone understands that yes, love can still exist in a marriage that has been touched by infidelity.

[White Flower]

I think as an OW that the costs outweights the benefit almost since the begining of the R the problem is that some people needs days, other weeks or onths and sadly some years to finally RECOGNIZE it, and when you are able o recognize that cutting the ties is easier so much easier.

 

Great post WF and I am sorry for what you have been through and glad you can now talk about it and know you are in a better place.

Hugs!!!

Thank you piscis:)

[White Flower]

I agree Silly.

 

I also kinda wonder how a OW knows what goes on in the home of the cheater and the BS.... are they 'guessing' at what goes on, are they believing the stories the cheater tells them, etc.

 

No one knows except the 2 people IN the marriage - not the outside party looking in, hoping to get the leftovers.

OK, I'm in a weird place with MM right now so I'm going to post 'in general'.

 

The OW simply can't know everything that goes on in the M. She can either choose to believe what she's told, or sift out the B***S*** and believe the educated guess about the rest. For some of us, it doesn't really matter as long as we're getting our needs fulfilled.

 

So before suggesting that all the BS does is play detective and how the cheater is so miserable and unhappy, how about looking at why the cheater stays. Let's try to figure out why this terribly unhappy guy, who has the love of his life on the side, doesn't leave the wife and run happily into the arms of the woman who has been waiting in the wings for him

 

Why does he keep going home, to the wife, begging forgiveness, begging for a second chance, etc. Why doesn't he sever the ties and just be happy with that woman he cheated on his wife with??? :confused:'

 

Let's not discuss the wife's self respect unless we are willing to examine the OW's self respect, okay? All those that throw stones at the wife, the one who he married, the one he possibly had children with, the one HE won't leave....examine why you are okay being the hidden secret, not introduced to his kids, not invited to Thanksgiving dinner with his family; ask why he continues to keep you as a secret, the back up plan and doesn't instead make you a priority, the main course. Why do you accept so little when it is the whole enchilada that you want

 

Great post Silk!!!

All good questions but the simple answer, and you know this, is that it is easier to stay. That is why I stayed M for so long, it was just easier.

 

MM has severe guilt issues. He has also said that his W is a good person. Had she been mean or done destructive things like my ex did he would do the cost/benefit analysis and say ok, I have a reason to leave now but to leave just because he no longer loves her makes him the bad guy...which plays right into his already huge guilt issues. If she left because of lost love he could live with it, but if it's his fault (again) he can't. It's pathetic, but it happens all the time.

[White Flower]

Really?

 

I know PLENTY of people who stay in an unhappy marriage (and by that definition I mean they're NOT HAPPY but the M isn't hideous enough to justify leaving). They do it because the fear of the alternative is worse.

 

I guess maybe the payoff is that at least they have "facade" of being married. And the social acceptance of being married and they can present an intact family unit to relatives and friends. Plus by staying M they don't have to lose half of everything they've worked for (if they're the breadwinner) or losing their lifestyle (if they're not).

 

But no, they're not really, truly, happy. Sad actually. And people wonder why A's happen. It's because the WS feels they deserve "a little bit of happiness" and are willing to grab what little they can.....in whatever form they can.

This is the absolute truth.

[Silly_Girl]

All good questions but the simple answer, and you know this, is that it is easier to stay. That is why I stayed M for so long, it was just easier.

 

MM has severe guilt issues. He has also said that his W is a good person. Had she been mean or done destructive things like my ex did he would do the cost/benefit analysis and say ok, I have a reason to leave now but to leave just because he no longer loves her makes him the bad guy...which plays right into his already huge guilt issues. If she left because of lost love he could live with it, but if it's his fault (again) he can't. It's pathetic, but it happens all the time.

 

If I didn't know better I'd say you and me knew the same fella, WF!!

[White Flower]

Thank you both for your interest and support.

 

I know it is right, and want to move...how to do it is the thing.

 

It is a difficult thing to decide whether I should open myself up to more hurt by admitting that he was using me and treating me like a fool, taking the stance that nothing we had was real, he was just a lier and did never care one bit for me.

 

Or do I beleive his words and actions and accept his descion and try my hardest not to care for him anymore as he wants his wife and family life to work and i cant be part of that.

 

how should i view him, what should i believe. - I am asking myself these questions now.

 

Billie,

Just because he has stayed with his wife doesn't mean that when he was in the A he was using you. I am a BS and even I can understand that during my H's affair that he thought that his alternative life was making him happy. Some MM have A's because they can separate their M lives and their A lives, it isn't fair, it isn't good for either the BS or the OW, but each believe what they are told. When reality catches up with them, they are forced to face their actions. The MM sounds like he has had to face up to reality and realises that his M is where he wants to be. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you were used, you just believed, and that is human nature, to believe those we love and trust.

 

I hope you don't give yourself too hard a time of things and can move on and chalk it up to experience.

Billie, I can relate a bit to your experience.

 

My guess is MM was not necessarily using you. He fell in love and actually confided in you with secrets that can ruin him. I believe he was on the verge of achieving true intimacy with you, but then he pulled away out of fear. That kind of intimacy is beautiful but a man like him can fear it because down the road it means having to choose a new path possibly losing everything he has built in his life and weighing that against how little (timewise) he's known you and if you can deliver on future needs. One of MM's issues with me is I'm younger and he fears one day that he'll deteriorate right in front of me when I should be living my life. I HATE that he makes that choice for me, although altruistic, but that is how the older MM thinks.

 

I hope that helps.

[White Flower]

You make those vows, WF. You make them, then not only break them but give someone else the love and commitment you vowed to another. If people don't believe in marriage, they shouldn't do it in the first place.

 

It's accepted that after making those vows effort will be required.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm the biggest believer in true and deep love.... And I'll take the actions too, it's not lip service. But I find it interesting that BS's can be belittled for their efforts to repair the relationship when many OW are going through a whole lot more emotional turmoil.

 

And I get the feeling we're talking about True Love versus Dead Marriage. Some of those BS's are fighting to keep their True Love too.

 

I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't believe that Love makes the world go around and is worth the blood, sweat and tears.

I totally get what you're saying. With regard to the BS getting belittled for their efforts, I do not blame them at all for trying to save a M as I totally relate and tried to save a dead M myself. I'm the queen of fixing broken things, trust me! (Just check my garage;))

 

What I have a problem with is when it all boils down to the 'sanctity' of M. I do not view M as a sacrament. I do, however, take vows very seriously and if you find yourself in love with another you should end the BS misery and end the M to be fair to all.

 

If I didn't know better I'd say you and me knew the same fella, WF!!

I kinda think they're a dime a dozen, sadly. Not to say they aren't brilliant and unique in their own way, but their reasons for cheating and staying M are just the same.

[seren]

totally get what you're saying. With regard to the BS getting belittled for their efforts, I do not blame them at all for trying to save a M as I totally relate and tried to save a dead M myself. I'm the queen of fixing broken things, trust me! (Just check my garage)

 

What I have a problem with is when it all boils down to the 'sanctity' of M. I do not view M as a sacrament. I do, however, take vows very seriously and if you find yourself in love with another you should end the BS misery and end the M to be fair to all.

 

I do not believe in the sanctity of marriage, I do, however, believe in love and the making of a life based on a shared understanding of what is acceptable and what is not. Because I believe in love, I can understand 2 people falling in love and them wanting to be together. If that is outside a marriage, then end the marriage, terminate the contract and let the other begin a new start too. I think some, possibly most, MM would be very hard pushed to imagine their BS with someone else, it is often a wake up call, it sees them stop seeing the BS as a W, but as a woman with wants, needs and possibilities. It is the breaking of the shared understanding and trust that is so hard to take on board, especially when you have been gaslighted up the ying yang.

 

Reconciling usually takes the one who breaks the trust to work to regain trust, and is, IMO, so very hard, but achievable. The work to rebuild the relationship is, again IMO, very different from rebuilding a marriage. Trusting someone to 'have your back' involves an enormous amount of giving of self, the hard part is realising that when you (general you) were busy watching their backs, keeping it all together, they were off sharing time with another. Telling truth is hard, it takes guts and is never easy, but is is right and it is fair. Reconciling is like finding yourself in a familiar place, but with the street signs all moved around, very confusing, but also very rewarding. It can mean that the marriage is stronger, but only if problems are addressed all round.

 

Thanks WF, but how did I miss the B for bold button?? doh!

 

Edited August 16, 2010 by seren
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