chalkfarm Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Really? I know PLENTY of people who stay in an unhappy marriage (and by that definition I mean they're NOT HAPPY but the M isn't hideous enough to justify leaving). They do it because thefear of the alternative is worse. I guess maybe the payoff is that at least they have "facade" of being married. And the social acceptance of being married and they can present an intact family unit to relatives and friends. Plus by staying M they don't have to lose half of everything they've worked for (if they're the breadwinner) or losing their lifestyle (if they're not). But no, they're not really, truly, happy. Sad actually. And people wonder why A's happen. It's because the WS feels they deserve "a little bit of happiness" and are willing to grab what little they can.....in whatever form they can. I agree. My xMM asked me (ME!) why would he even consider going back to his W. My answer (oh so freakin' grown up of me!) was guilt, obligation, familiarity. As I said before, the known pain is easier than the unknown pain. Here's a thought I had recently while trying to just get through the damn day. In real life, I own my own little retail business. It isn't very lucrative but I am my own boss. I set my own hours and I deal only with myself and customers. This isn't the most fulfilling job and it isn't my dream. Some days are okay without drama or worry but none are blissful and wonderful. So what keeps here? Well, my retail biz is established and has an inventory. A relatively large inventory. What would I do with all that stuff? Dump it and lose the investment? Some of the items in inventory I really like and I would miss them and regret having dumped them. Do I just put it all into storage? Knowing that I can come back and get everything but still paying out forever on inventory that isn't making me money? This is a difficult decision/situation. Then there is the side of me that thinks if I found another job and got rid of the inventory, what if the new job wasn't really "it"? What if there were other employees that I didn't get along with? What if the new employee (me) gets downsized. Now what? I'm back at square one but without that all important inventory that stocked a job I knew well but wasn't really satisfied with. Hmmmm.... Perhaps this is a poor metaphor but it helped me see some things a little more clearly. You are all going to think I'm nuts....
bentnotbroken Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Loving me right now would be great. But I can't just make it happen any more than I can make the thoughts of him disappear. I work everyday to make my life better but the healing that I so deserve moves at a glacial pace. The best part of having the time without him, is the chance for realization. Realization of what I want and deserve, realization of what I am willing to deal with, realization of who he really is, realization that some of this pain probably comes from my relationship with my father. The "fool" within me feels all encompassing right now and my personality type doesn't deal well with failure and set backs. I can easily make them disproportionate. This is something I am working on. There is no magic cure to making anything disappear. Not for any of us. It is a work in progress and yes the pace is one of terminally slowness. It stinks to high heaven. Facing yourself and loving the person you see is the first step at healing. NOT one of us haven't looked at ourselves at some point and didn't like what we saw. I personally saw a person who disgusted me on more than one occasion. Your personality type can change with work. My personality type is aggression, anger, hit first and ask questions later. That isn't my first response anymore...but it something I wanted to change about myself. I didn't want to live my life as victim of my own actions. YOUR TURN. What do you want in your future...from you? How can you work to get there? Is it okay for you to slide back? Those are questions that only you can answer for yourself...but if you want to love you, they are some of the questions you will have to address. Again, you are on a board full of people who have played the fool and done foolish things. I don't know if he cheated before. I simply don't know and honestly, I don't care. Before reading all of the BS postings, I suggested he not tell her about the A. This was not a selfish suggestion or at least not consciously selfish, as I would have assumed that her knowing about the A would have ended the M completely putting him in my life in the manner that I then wanted. Also, outing me would have made no difference to me and my situation. I suggested it because it seemed she didn't deserve more hurt than their separation caused. At some point I felt his job within a soon to be reconciled M was to cause no further pain. But reading that BS want to know everything, I see my advice was wrong. She deserves to make a decision based on ALL of the facts. Please note: the advice was solicited. Maybe she would have put him out and maybe she wouldn't have. Maybe that is an action you really weren't ready to deal with either way and you did encourage him not to tell. Where would you have been with either or those actions? What would have really been your place in his life if he depended on someone else to do his dirty work instead of walk away on his own? Obviously, I thought I knew him. And perhaps I do. Only he really knows. No, you stopped short because you saw what you wanted to see at the time. Now you are looking more closely. You see the cracks because the projected image can only be maintained for so long.
bentnotbroken Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I agree. My xMM asked me (ME!) why would he even consider going back to his W. My answer (oh so freakin' grown up of me!) was guilt, obligation, familiarity. As I said before, the known pain is easier than the unknown pain. Here's a thought I had recently while trying to just get through the damn day. In real life, I own my own little retail business. It isn't very lucrative but I am my own boss. I set my own hours and I deal only with myself and customers. This isn't the most fulfilling job and it isn't my dream. Some days are okay without drama or worry but none are blissful and wonderful. So what keeps here? Well, my retail biz is established and has an inventory. A relatively large inventory. What would I do with all that stuff? Dump it and lose the investment? Some of the items in inventory I really like and I would miss them and regret having dumped them. Do I just put it all into storage? Knowing that I can come back and get everything but still paying out forever on inventory that isn't making me money? This is a difficult decision/situation. Then there is the side of me that thinks if I found another job and got rid of the inventory, what if the new job wasn't really "it"? What if there were other employees that I didn't get along with? What if the new employee (me) gets downsized. Now what? I'm back at square one but without that all important inventory that stocked a job I knew well but wasn't really satisfied with. Hmmmm.... Perhaps this is a poor metaphor but it helped me see some things a little more clearly. You are all going to think I'm nuts.... Not a poor metaphor, but an indication of you looking for something on the outside of you, that can only come from within you. Things, other people, they don't fill that one place that is reserved for you.
bentnotbroken Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Really? I know PLENTY of people who stay in an unhappy marriage (and by that definition I mean they're NOT HAPPY but the M isn't hideous enough to justify leaving). They do it because the fear of the alternative is worse. I guess maybe the payoff is that at least they have "facade" of being married. And the social acceptance of being married and they can present an intact family unit to relatives and friends. Plus by staying M they don't have to lose half of everything they've worked for (if they're the breadwinner) or losing their lifestyle (if they're not). But no, they're not really, truly, happy. Sad actually. And people wonder why A's happen. It's because the WS feels they deserve "a little bit of happiness" and are willing to grab what little they can.....in whatever form they can. I guess that would depend on your definition of happiness. I do believe some do stay out of fear, but the it doesn't mean that they are aren't happy to a point. The payoff has to make you happy enough(or maybe content enough)to stay. I also believe some stay out of selfishness...I want to f with every body's life. I am around a group of couples who work(literally workshops and support groups) to work on their marriages. I have family members that had rough not so happy years in their marriages and other years that were blissful and content. So I guess it is your point of reference.
chalkfarm Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Not a poor metaphor, but an indication of you looking for something on the outside of you, that can only come from within you. Things, other people, they don't fill that one place that is reserved for you. I don't think the tale of my business is about looking for things outside of myself. It is more about understanding the xMM making the move back home. It makes the "baggage" of a M more concrete for me and subsequently more understandable. I presume that if I can "understand", I can forgive. If I can forgive, I can let go. If I can let go, I will be free. And God, I need a little freedom.
bentnotbroken Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I don't think the tale of my business is about looking for things outside of myself. It is more about understanding the xMM making the move back home. It makes the "baggage" of a M more concrete for me and subsequently more understandable. I presume that if I can "understand", I can forgive. If I can forgive, I can let go. If I can let go, I will be free. And God, I need a little freedom. Then let Him give it to you. It was the one of the ways I found freedom. Question...if you never understand, will you never forgive...him or yourself?
chalkfarm Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Then let Him give it to you. It was the one of the ways I found freedom. Question...if you never understand, will you never forgive...him or yourself? Both. I think that I must forgive him to be free of him. I don't want to carry around anger and resentment - they just replace love and longing. Replacing one emotion for another doesn't really get that man out of my life. I must forgive myself for...... being a fool and succumbing to weakness, hurting others (whether directly or indirectly), being uncharacteristically selfish, being devastatingly hard on myself, tricking myself into believing that he was the best I could do, apologizing endlessly for things that aren't my fault, not being better to myself, not cutting myself a little slack, and the list goes on....
chalkfarm Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Both. I think that I must forgive him to be free of him. I don't want to carry around anger and resentment - they just replace love and longing. Replacing one emotion for another doesn't really get that man out of my life. I must forgive myself for...... being a fool and succumbing to weakness, hurting others (whether directly or indirectly), being uncharacteristically selfish, being devastatingly hard on myself, tricking myself into believing that he was the best I could do, apologizing endlessly for things that aren't my fault, not being better to myself, not cutting myself a little slack, and the list goes on.... Ooops! Your questions was if I never understand will I never forgive. No. I don't need to fully understand to let all of this go. But a little understanding helps. It gives me a glimpse of the other side of the situation. It seems highly unlikely that I will ever truly understand outside of the cliches. And that's okay. I'm not planning on swimming upstream with these erratic emotions forever. I'm lettin' that inventory go! How do you like that for going back to my metaphor?
bentnotbroken Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Ooops! Your questions was if I never understand will I never forgive. No. I don't need to fully understand to let all of this go. But a little understanding helps. It gives me a glimpse of the other side of the situation. It seems highly unlikely that I will ever truly understand outside of the cliches. And that's okay. I'm not planning on swimming upstream with these erratic emotions forever. I'm lettin' that inventory go! How do you like that for going back to my metaphor? :DNice tie in.
pureinheart Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Really? I know PLENTY of people who stay in an unhappy marriage (and by that definition I mean they're NOT HAPPY but the M isn't hideous enough to justify leaving). They do it because the fear of the alternative is worse. I guess maybe the payoff is that at least they have "facade" of being married. And the social acceptance of being married and they can present an intact family unit to relatives and friends. Plus by staying M they don't have to lose half of everything they've worked for (if they're the breadwinner) or losing their lifestyle (if they're not). But no, they're not really, truly, happy. Sad actually. And people wonder why A's happen. It's because the WS feels they deserve "a little bit of happiness" and are willing to grab what little they can.....in whatever form they can. That four letter word FEAR seems to be a great motivator.
NoIDidn't Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 It seems to me that the above phase (the checking, rehashing, etc) is necessary for a certain point amount of time. For obvious reasons, that amount is variable depending up on the couple. Most likely, what you are observing on whatever site you are reading are folks who have had more recent experience with infidelity. If two spouses believe that their marriage is worth saving, they go through the above phase. Once the healing process is well underway, the checking and rehashing begin to lessen in frequency. Those whose marriages remain in the above stage generally divorce eventually, I believe. I think you are just observing a certain point in time, rather than the bigger picture. I agree. This is a small period in the life of a long marriage. Or even a short one that will eventually become a long marriage. Most report the affair as a "bump in the road". Depending on the size of the bump, I can imagine getting out of the car and looking around a bit instead of just driving along as if nothing happened. I can understand two years out from finding out about an affair to still be somewhat shaky for some. Psychologists and therapists say that it takes about five years to fully recover from an affair. And they say that most troubled marriages are happier five years down the road anyway (this research was not based on infidelity being involved, sorry no links I read in magazines about marriage many years ago).
LilyBart Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 LOL -- the BS doesn't KNOW that is why it is called an AFFAIR. Maybe if the cheater was more HONEST (I know, I know -- that is foreign to a cheater) and told his wife he was cheating.... but for the majority of affairs, the WIFE has NO IDEA he is cheating. IF she finds out, and questions him, he throws his mistress under the bus, telling her how the mistress wouldn't leave him alone and she means nothing to him. My point (and I should have been clearer) was that after DDay the BS assumes all sorts of things but they don't really KNOW what went on in the A. The BS only THINKS they know based on what the WS tells them (exactly what you said - "I didn't pursue it" "AP didn't mean anything to me" "It was only for the sex" etc) when it could have been the complete opposite. I know this because I was once an OW I know you thought I was a BS, but I have never been one. I was stupid, thoughtless to others and selfish and chose to carry on with a MM for 2 years. I'm sorry you felt like you were "getting leftovers" in your A. That's horrible! But just because that was what YOU experienced, don't think that every single OW feels that way. You do not have the best of him ... you have a make believe person. You have someone on their best behavior ... you have a faker. You are an option, not a priority. He doesn't care enough about you to want to have a life with you. Your opinion, your opinion, your opinion. I have him at his best, which is the way I like him. I'm definitely not an "option" as you so fondly put it - I'm a priority because I get what I want and he goes to great lengths to give it to me. And he cares about me exactly the way I want him to. And if you like your affair the way it is, why are you here? To put down BS's? To flaunt that you are f*ucking a MM? Big deal...that isn't hard to do. What, you think everybody has to be MISERABLE in order to post on an open forum? This is the beauty of an open forum. It allows people to see ALL DIFFERENT SIDES of the story. I'm just telling people that not every OW is unhappy with the set up. I'm here because for all intents and purposes, I'm an OW to my MM. Boy, for someone who's a fOW, you sure sound bitter and non-supportive of OW!
chalkfarm Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 That four letter word FEAR seems to be a great motivator. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]From Peck’s The Road Less Traveled, regarding cowardice and fear.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Therapists know that although patients come seeking change, they are actually terrified of change – the work of change. It is because of this terror or laziness that the vast majority of patients – perhaps 9 out of 10 – who begin the process of psychotherapy, drop out long before the process has been completed. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The dynamics are often clearest in the cases of those married patients who become aware during the first few sessions that their marriages are dreadfully disordered or destructive, and hence that the path to mental health will lie either through divorce or else through an enormously difficult and painful process of completely restructuring a marriage.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Actually, these patients often have this awareness subliminally before they even seek therapy, and the first few sessions only serve to confirm what they already knew and dreaded.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]In any case, they become overwhelmed by fear of facing the seemingly impossible difficulties of living alone or apparently equally impossible difficulties of working for months and years with their mates toward radically improved relationships.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So they stop treatment. They settle for the maintenance of a miserable status quo in preference to the tremendous amount of effort they realize will be required to work their way out of their particular traps.[/sIZE][/FONT]
sadintexas Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 It was like that for me, for a time. It wasn't forever. I moved past the A with little help from him. I was functioning fairly well a few months afterwards. A year out I was pretty darned good. It kept getting better from there. I didn't feel the need to put him under scrutiny and surveillance forever. These are people who are still working through their feelings relating to the A. Naturally you're going to read the horror stories that are happening now as that's their place to vent and talk to others going through the same thing. They can be raw there. It doesn't usually stay that way. They either get past it or decide they can't and divorce. I would say a pretty small percentage makes it long term operating that way. It hurts so much to learn your spouse has been unfaithful. But you have to weigh it all out and see if you want to try to make it work. It's not blissful getting through the fallout of an A on any side.
chalkfarm Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Sorry about that messy post. I typed it in Word - didn't realize all the HTML would tranfers over. Hope this one is better. From Peck’s The Road Less Traveled, regarding cowardice and fear. Therapists know that although patients come seeking change, they are actually terrified of change – the work of change. It is because of this terror or laziness that the vast majority of patients – perhaps 9 out of 10 – who begin the process of psychotherapy, drop out long before the process has been completed. The dynamics are often clearest in the cases of those married patients who become aware during the first few sessions that their marriages are dreadfully disordered or destructive, and hence that the path to mental health will lie either through divorce or else through an enormously difficult and painful process of completely restructuring a marriage. Actually, these patients often have this awareness subliminally before they even seek therapy, and the first few sessions only serve to confirm what they already knew and dreaded. In any case, they become overwhelmed by fear of facing the seemingly impossible difficulties of living alone or apparently equally impossible difficulties of working for months and years with their mates toward radically improved relationships. So they stop treatment. They settle for the maintenance of a miserable status quo in preference to the tremendous amount of effort they realize will be required to work their way out of their particular traps.
Billie Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 This is a great thread. I have just read all posts to catch up on the conversation. Firstly just want to thank everyone who has posted as reading this thread has been a great source of comfort/help to me. I was recently having an affair with a MM. He was more into it than me. He said his marriage was ok, but he could not feel he could talk freely with his wife. He had cheated on their 35 year marriage over 30 times and a few of those were long term affairs (one with her best friend) which she does still not know about. He wanted to be with me and told me he was going to tell her. I did everything I could to make him think about his actions, think about what it would mean, his kids, his life, everything. My feelings had developed for him and I was putting what I wanted aside to try and safeguard him from the disruption that coming clean about me would cause. But he was adamant that he wanted to be with me. He convinced me it was the right thing to do and we set about planning our life together. He then told his wife. She was upset and hurt (as you would expect) and they both admitted to each other that their marriage had not been good for over 10 years. She said that she forgave him and she wanted to try and fix their marriage. He told he on tuesday and on friday (yesterday) he contacted me and told me he was going to stay at home, with his wife and that he could not see me anymore and would have no further contact with me. - I was devastated, hurt, felt abandoned and shocked. before he told her, I suggested to him that maybe he should try and tell his wife he was unhappy (without mentioning his affair with me) so that he could see if his marriage could be saved, but he was not interested in doing this - he wanted me. Anyway, I am now alone and still in shock. I miss him and want him back (how stupid am I!?!) and most of all I am worried for him. He just wanted happiness and now he is in a broken marriage that is going to be stressful and hard to fix. He is a fool, in one swoop he has ruined his marriage and his relationship with me, when he did not need to. If he wanted to fix his marriage he could have done it when I gave him a get out clause with me. Instead he convinced me that I was the one. I told him that if he really wants to make a go of his marriage then his wife deservers to know about all of his affairs, including the one with his secretary who is also his wife's best friend. He said, he couldn't tell her about that affair because it would hurt her even more. I told him that his attempt at fixing his marriage will never work if he does not come clean about everything. - I was mad and hurt when I told him this, but I honestly believe its true. He can not start to reconcile a marriage whilst harbouring other secrets. I am confused and found this thread as I was trying to find out if a marriage van survive after an admission of an affair. I hope they can fix it because I don’t want him to be unhappy, but I also don’t want it to work out because I stupidly still want him.
fooled once Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Boy, for someone who's a fOW, you sure sound bitter and non-supportive of OW! :laugh::laugh::laugh: I wondered when you would pull the "bitter" card out :laugh::laugh: I am realistic, not bitter. Did you not see the part where I am a happily married woman :love: I feel sad and pity for so many of the OW who are sitting and waiting for a phone call, a text, an email from the MM; I feel sorry for the OW who are putting THEIR lives on hold while waiting for that text, that call, that email. I feel sorry for those women who cannot move forward after the affair ends, the ones who are so depressed they can't get out of bed, their children are ignored because mommy can't function; the women who turn to booze or pills to get through the day after being dumped. I feel sorry for any woman who lets a MM dictate their lives to them; I feel sorry for the months/years wasted waiting for this cheater, only to come find out he had other OW, his home life was nothing like the claimed it to be, or when the cheater was confronted by the wife, the threw the OW under the bus about what a stalker she was. I feel sorry for those women that it takes months/years to get over the affair (and some who never get over them). I feel sorry for them for how naive they were. We read all kinds of these stories on LS and I feel sad for them. The majority of these women aren't just in it for the sex and the materials things like you -- they are in it for love and want the future, the house, the life that the MM 'promised' them. And they get let down badly. I feel sorry for them for all the pain and heart ache they go through. So I will do my best to let them know that more than likely, their affair is not unique, they aren't special and what they are going through is textbook Affair behavior and the words spewing out of the MM's mouth is out of the MM handbook of lies. It hurts to see intelligent, caring women turn into sobbing, needy women. Go read the many stories on here and then tell me you don't feel sorry for them and you wouldn't tell so many of them that they are only going to end up heart broken because the majority of these MM never leave. Even the ones that leave in many instances return or go on and find someone else -- not the OW -- who has waited patiently and put up with his crap for months. But, I guess it is just easier to call me bitter :laugh: whatever you need to tell yourself :laugh:
chalkfarm Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 This is a great thread. I have just read all posts to catch up on the conversation. Firstly just want to thank everyone who has posted as reading this thread has been a great source of comfort/help to me. I was recently having an affair with a MM. He was more into it than me. He said his marriage was ok, but he could not feel he could talk freely with his wife. He had cheated on their 35 year marriage over 30 times and a few of those were long term affairs (one with her best friend) which she does still not know about. He wanted to be with me and told me he was going to tell her. I did everything I could to make him think about his actions, think about what it would mean, his kids, his life, everything. My feelings had developed for him and I was putting what I wanted aside to try and safeguard him from the disruption that coming clean about me would cause. But he was adamant that he wanted to be with me. He convinced me it was the right thing to do and we set about planning our life together. He then told his wife. She was upset and hurt (as you would expect) and they both admitted to each other that their marriage had not been good for over 10 years. She said that she forgave him and she wanted to try and fix their marriage. He told he on tuesday and on friday (yesterday) he contacted me and told me he was going to stay at home, with his wife and that he could not see me anymore and would have no further contact with me. - I was devastated, hurt, felt abandoned and shocked. before he told her, I suggested to him that maybe he should try and tell his wife he was unhappy (without mentioning his affair with me) so that he could see if his marriage could be saved, but he was not interested in doing this - he wanted me. Anyway, I am now alone and still in shock. I miss him and want him back (how stupid am I!?!) and most of all I am worried for him. He just wanted happiness and now he is in a broken marriage that is going to be stressful and hard to fix. He is a fool, in one swoop he has ruined his marriage and his relationship with me, when he did not need to. If he wanted to fix his marriage he could have done it when I gave him a get out clause with me. Instead he convinced me that I was the one. I told him that if he really wants to make a go of his marriage then his wife deservers to know about all of his affairs, including the one with his secretary who is also his wife's best friend. He said, he couldn't tell her about that affair because it would hurt her even more. I told him that his attempt at fixing his marriage will never work if he does not come clean about everything. - I was mad and hurt when I told him this, but I honestly believe its true. He can not start to reconcile a marriage whilst harbouring other secrets. I am confused and found this thread as I was trying to find out if a marriage van survive after an admission of an affair. I hope they can fix it because I don’t want him to be unhappy, but I also don’t want it to work out because I stupidly still want him. You know..... I think we can tell ourselves that we want the best for them, but do we really? Their abandonment of us is HUGE. HUGE. HUGE. And one cannot forever be "selfless" in these situations. Over time, you will gain perspective and from that perspective will come relief - or at least that is what I believe. Some on LS will be harsh with you - hear it but let it slide off your shoulders. Take what you need from what is said, institute what you can to make your life better. At this point he doesn't matter. He can't matter. Believe me - sometimes it is easier for me to say this to you than to do it for myself.
Billie Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Thank you. I think i just have te remind myself that at the end of the day, i did what i thought what right at the time. I tried to convince him to not ruin his life, but he did it anyway. He is an adult, a man, 28 years older than me. He made his choice and now he has to live with it. - He has cast me aside, he will not contact me, he does not want my help/input. -If he did, he would not have pushed me away and I would be with him now.
BB07 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Thank you. I think i just have te remind myself that at the end of the day, i did what i thought what right at the time. I tried to convince him to not ruin his life, but he did it anyway. He is an adult, a man, 28 years older than me. He made his choice and now he has to live with it. - He has cast me aside, he will not contact me, he does not want my help/input. -If he did, he would not have pushed me away and I would be with him now. Billie..........stop telling yourself that you can help this man. Accept that he could have been playing you for the fool and move on. Either way he is BROKEN. He doesn't need your help, nor can you fix him. Help yourself OK hon.........by putting him out of your heart and mind.
chalkfarm Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Billie..........stop telling yourself that you can help this man. Accept that he could have been playing you for the fool and move on. Either way he is BROKEN. He doesn't need your help, nor can you fix him. Help yourself OK hon.........by putting him out of your heart and mind. You're 100% right. Sadly, easier said than done. This is where TIME comes in. Time, time, time, time, time.......
Billie Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Thank you both for your interest and support. I know it is right, and want to move...how to do it is the thing. It is a difficult thing to decide whether I should open myself up to more hurt by admitting that he was using me and treating me like a fool, taking the stance that nothing we had was real, he was just a lier and did never care one bit for me. Or do I beleive his words and actions and accept his descion and try my hardest not to care for him anymore as he wants his wife and family life to work and i cant be part of that. how should i view him, what should i believe. - I am asking myself these questions now.
seren Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Billie, Just because he has stayed with his wife doesn't mean that when he was in the A he was using you. I am a BS and even I can understand that during my H's affair that he thought that his alternative life was making him happy. Some MM have A's because they can separate their M lives and their A lives, it isn't fair, it isn't good for either the BS or the OW, but each believe what they are told. When reality catches up with them, they are forced to face their actions. The MM sounds like he has had to face up to reality and realises that his M is where he wants to be. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you were used, you just believed, and that is human nature, to believe those we love and trust. I hope you don't give yourself too hard a time of things and can move on and chalk it up to experience.
Billie Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Billie, Just because he has stayed with his wife doesn't mean that when he was in the A he was using you. I am a BS and even I can understand that during my H's affair that he thought that his alternative life was making him happy. Some MM have A's because they can separate their M lives and their A lives, it isn't fair, it isn't good for either the BS or the OW, but each believe what they are told. When reality catches up with them, they are forced to face their actions. The MM sounds like he has had to face up to reality and realises that his M is where he wants to be. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you were used, you just believed, and that is human nature, to believe those we love and trust. I hope you don't give yourself too hard a time of things and can move on and chalk it up to experience. Seren, thank you for that. I have read a few of your posts and see that you made your marriage work after an afair. How did you both do it, did he tell you everything? How long did it take to fix. I hope that for him, if he does want to be in his marriage that he makes it work. He told me that he and his wife both admitted it had been bad for years. I hope they can use this to build on it. - if not then everyone's suffering will have been in vain.
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