smk Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 So after torturing my poor liver for 8 weeks I have finally gotten on the wagon - I actually managed to spend an entire evening in the company of random strangers in a bar as a social gathering and actually didn't have a drink, an achievement for me personally, yet it just feel like nothing... No matter what I do seems to matter anymore, I try and fill my time with activities, surround myself win people, isolate myself, push myself harder, take it easier, distract myself, yet no matter what I do I just can't seem to find that contentment in my life. I wake up each morning and carry on with my life, ride each emotion, don't let them consume, focus on myself yet I just cannot seem to shake of these moments of gloom that settle in just as quickly as they leave yet leaving a profound sadness and emptyness for the remainder of my day. Each does get a little easier to move on, yet it's the moments that seem to have the most effects, the slightest recollection of what once was seems to be the setting stone for how the day proceeds... I don't know what this is, don't know whether it's a rant or a vent, it's just my way of coping I guess...
skydiveaddict Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 I feel just like you man I cant forget her. And it can turn my day to ***** I think you're on the right track though. stay busy and just gut it out one day at a time
Thierro Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 I think it’s great what you are doing at the moment. Good to hear you’re stopped effin up your liver. You are being too hard on yourself. Be kind. You are going through a lot, but you have come a long way, you are learning and trying your best to recover from the BS that the past months threw at you. You got punched in the face very bad, you still feel numb because of this. It takes time before you can snap out of it. You are doing the right thing, but don’t overdo it; small steps.
TaraMaiden Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Oi you....!! Are you going to be like this when we anglophiles gather for our fully dressed, non-sexual orgy? Let's not go to Regent's park zoo... I hear the chimps are already depressed enough as it is.... come on buddy... you gotta get out of this rut... Listen, you do understand that all these activities are not designed to be a diversion for you? You're not meant to be doing all these things to fill a hole, or stop up the gap... you get that, right? You do these things because you want to, because you can, and because life is for living and, indeed, goes on. For goodness' sake, stuff her! She's doing her own thing and trust me, her only thoughts about you are "I wonder if he's still thinking of me...shall I yank his chain again?" I'd say to her, 'forget it.... he's yanking his own chain enough as it is....' C'mon, hun.... get with the programme! I expect to see you bright and chipper and as shiny as a new sixpence! (Are you old enough to remember them? :D0
ishmaiel Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 No matter what I do seems to matter anymore, I try and fill my time with activities, surround myself win people, isolate myself, push myself harder, take it easier, distract myself, yet no matter what I do I just can't seem to find that contentment in my life. I know where you are. I was speaking to a friend who was there a while ago, and where I find myself now. His suggestion, and one that I can accept, is that the purpose of "today" is to get through today. Manage yourself. Keep doing things, even if just for effect. Don't slide further down. Eventually, it will become easier - feelings will lose their sharpness.
welikeincrowds Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 "I wonder if he's still thinking of me...shall I yank his chain again?" Why, oh why, are some people like this? What the **** is wrong with them?! I don't mean to make this thread about myself, but I think others can relate to this feeling I have, of being angry at myself for being so foolish to fall for it, or even being attracted to whatever it is surrounding a person like this that causes me to ultimately seek these behaviors out in the first place! And then, after I've been faulted, to give that person some benefit of the doubt -- because it was, after all, my fault for naively falling for it!
DustySaltus Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 You do these things because you want to, because you can, and because life is for living and, indeed, goes on. Repeat this like a mantra. You are functional and that;s the first step. You have to peel off the layers of sadness one day at a time.
GrayClouds Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 (edited) Your doing all the right things...stuck to No Contact, started exercising, eating well, hang out with the friends, started a new hobbies or two, did the journaling, gave up the alcohol for a bit and forcing yourself to think positive. And surprising all of it has done some good. Your no longer in crazy chronic pain, you can sleep at night, your are even making plans without the EX in the back of your head, and when asked; "how are you?", you say good without feeling like a liar. So your feeling A'OK at the OK corral, right, NOPE. The pain is not there, but a hollowness is, obsessiveness has been replaced with indifference. In fact you in a strange and twisted way you miss the pain. At lest it gave you something to fight, an opponent to beat, now just feel like your slightly hungover throwing emotional roundhouses through empty air at The Last Chance Saloon. You start thinking maybe this cowboy needs a new horse to ride, so you go to the local waterhole to find some little filly. You make her whinny, and for a few days you feel like a stud. But then that nagging "nether happy or sad luke warm life" feeling come trotting back like an old mare finding her way back to the barn. It is important to remember, even when you was with the EX, you had good days and bad days, happy days and sad days, exciting days and boring days. This is called life and while they may have jumped the fence for what they thought was greener pastures, the life you have right now is no less perfect then the life you had or the future to come. It all goes back to how you fertilize the pasture you are in now. And you know how too. All the things you already did after the break to get past the pain works the same. The same things will be you past the indifference, with slightly more effort because now you know you are doing this alone, even pain is not your trusty side kick. There is no reward for holding on to the pain, it is simply a distraction from the fear of being alone. This is the point you prove you have learn from your mistake, you began healthier patterns of behavior or choose to go back to that old you; comfortable as an old boot and so easy to do, but doesn't all that hard work you have done to grow deserves something better? If so, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep pushing forward. Do not ask yourself "why am I feeling empty" ask yourself "what will make me feel full?" Time to again remind yourself "keep moving along little doggie". . Edited August 12, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author smk Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 @ SKY – yup buddy – that is the aim – right now I am focussing on 2 things: #1 – just get through the day without letting the emptiness consume me #2 – work on myself both emotionally & physically so that when I do exit this tunnel I am a stronger healthier person. @ Thierro – TBH the booze has just been 3 days but I was quite proud of myself not having a drink in room full of strangers – so I guess if I can do that I can go a few months without it, and besides now its an official challenge from friends that if I do stay off it till October then they will sponsor my run with a large chunk of money that goes for a good cause… Yeah I still seem to be a little bit dazed from the punch but each day the feeling returns to my face, even if its just a little it comes back – its just some moments or triggers that still set me off – I figured out what my trigger was for last night – I saw someone wearing the same fleece as she used to wear and it set things off – so am going to work on shifting focus from that anchor to something else. @ TM – I will be in (almost) mint condition for our anglophile – fully clothed- non-sexual orgy lol… Yeah I don’t think I am quite ready for the zoo yet – the sight of the depressed chimps humping each other might set me off….lol… As I said to thierro I am beginning to realise that it’s a couple of factors now that seem to be getting me down – first the little triggers and anchors in my mind that set off a chain reaction of events which I am learning to focus my attention away from and disassociating them with her, and secondly I think like GC said its not having something to fight for. Oh yeah I know she is doing her own thing or at least lying to everyone about it – and trying to make sure that I get work of it – some people have some serious issues and yes as you said I do seem to be yanking my own chain without her needed to give it a little bit more of a tug…. Ish - I know where you are. I was speaking to a friend who was there a while ago, and where I find myself now. His suggestion, and one that I can accept, is that the purpose of "today" is to get through today. Manage yourself. Keep doing things, even if just for effect. Don't slide further down. Eventually, it will become easier - feelings will lose their sharpness. @ Ish – again as I said above I focus my energies on getting through today and try to get closer to the end of the dark tunnel – I just about see a very faint light at the end of it, and I so want to emerge from it a stronger healthier person… We like - Why, oh why, are some people like this? What the **** is wrong with them?! I don't mean to make this thread about myself, but I think others can relate to this feeling I have, of being angry at myself for being so foolish to fall for it, or even being attracted to whatever it is surrounding a person like this that causes me to ultimately seek these behaviors out in the first place! And then, after I've been faulted, to give that person some benefit of the doubt -- because it was, after all, my fault for naively falling for it! @ Welike – I go through exactly the same feelings of anger at myself for being so stupid and foolish to fall for that crap. @ GC – I have been watching the clip from Swingers that Mcgrupp posted the other night and I can actually relate to that and to what you have said above – it seems that now that I am finally getting to the stage where I am beginning to (dare I say) feel the indifference I seem to not want it – it is as you say not having an opponent to fight with. I think going back to the swingers its as though because I learnt to (a) first live with her in every part of my life, and (b) after she left live with the pain engulfing every part of my life, now that they both seem to have left it is just a weird sensation and I actually sometimes end up seeking the pain. Not sure about visiting the local watering hole just as of yet, but in the near future that is certainly on the cards…lol…I could definitely use a new filly to ride for a few days…hehehehehe… But I guess as we all know, the path only goes one way and that way is forward, and sure life will make you fall every so often and the we just have to simply pick ourselves up and keeping prodding along. @ Mcgrupp – thank you for the clip – I try and watch it a couple of times a day cos it actually makes so much sense to me… And finally thank you to everyone for your insightful words – they are a great help and I one day in the near future I aim to be able to help some other newbie move along and help lift them up when they fall like you guys have done for me... You guys are great…
bonpaw2008 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I am getting GRAY CLOUDS shirts made for everyone, tell me your size Seriously it is a totally valid feeling that you have. I KNOW what I am supposed to be feeling, my brain screams at me everyday "get over this douce bag!!!" Is your gloomy feeling just you getting down on yourself for still feeling this way? I am way hard on myself, perfectionist, and I struggle with this... You just need a big hug And P.S. you help this newbie every day
Author smk Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 (edited) BP - I used to be an XL in november now I am a small - that has to be my proudest achievement so far this year oh and i am now 5 weeks without smoking... But back to topic - yeah I totally get what GC is saying... Watch this clip that Mcgrupp posted the toehr day - brilliant On the upside I did take some of GC's advice today about getting me a new filly and got me a date next wednesday... so lets see how that goes - i am not really looking forward to it though but hey... Edited August 12, 2010 by smk
GrayClouds Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 (edited) On the upside I did take some of GC's advice today about getting me a new filly and got me a date next wednesday... so lets see how that goes - i am not really looking forward to it though but hey... You start thinking maybe this cowboy needs a new horse to ride, so you go to the local waterhole to find some little filly. You make her whinny, and for a few days you feel like a stud. But then that nagging "nether happy or sad luke warm life" feeling come trotting back like an old mare finding her way back to the barn. In fact I suggesting that trying to saddle up too soon because you looking for something to replace the absents of pain may not be the way to go. It too is just a temporary fix that will only slow you down. Part of the healing means learning to live in a stable life that you enjoy the good when it is good, and handle the bad when it is bad, and, just as importantly, be able to be content when it is neither. If its time its time by don't rush your crushes, They will happen when you ready, and, for most here in all likelihood if your honest with yourself, there is more work to do. Edited August 12, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author smk Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 In fact I suggesting that trying to saddle up too soon because you looking for something to replace the absents of pain may not be the way to go. It too is just a temporary fix that will only slow you down. Part of the healing means learning to live in a stable life that is neither exciting or painful. If its time its time by don't rush your crushes, They will happen when you ready, and, for most here in all likelihood if your honest with yourself, there is more work to do. I know - it's more of a social thing rather than a date - i met someone and we figured we'd go for a movie and just start by getting to know one another - I was honest with her about where I was in my life and she actually appreciated it and is quite happy to begin things on a friendly Platonic level - and if something happens then great if not I made a new friend... Eithe that or maybe she felt sorry for me... Who cares - it's a good movie and I really wanna watch it ... Lol...
Recommended Posts