djhall Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I don't know if this is an example of WHY I don't trust him, or if my distrust is just causing me to feel uneasy about the situation, but: tomorrow I am taking a big, important test as I said, I haven't talked to him in a few days. I was hoping for at least a "good luck" test this evening. He called me @ 9:30 PM. I was downstairs doing laundry and I missed his call. I called him back @ 9:45. He didn't pick up. I called again, 11:30. Voicemail. So what has he been doing for 2 hours between 9:30 and 11:30 that he couldn't give me a quick call back? Would a reasonable person get upset over this? All of the times this has happened, it turned out he had a legit reason why he couldn't call me - at the gym, doing laundry, whatever. But I keep waiting for the day he doesn't call back. And it turns out he WAS with a woman like I expected. At first glance, it looks like a symptom of your distrust rather than a reason for you to distrust him. You say he has always had a legit reason why he didn't call back, but you distrust him anyway. Now, maybe that is just becuase you have security or trust issues, or maybe it is because other behavior is setting off warning signals in your unconscious... I really don't know you or your relationship well enough to even try to answer that. But I do know you can't build the kind of relationship you describe wanting if you assume the worst every time your BF gives you a call before a movie, doesn't get you, and turns his phone off until he comes out (although, it sure wouldn't be too hard to say, "sorry I missed you, I'm doing xxxx so it'll be a couple hours before you can call me back" would it?). Maybe you just don't trust him because he couples this kind of a behavior with a reluctance to provide any firm reassurance even after 9 months together. But building a relationship is all about building that kind of trust, so I think the trust issue has to be resolved one way or the other before you can go anywhere further with this relationship.
Author spookie Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 I just don't think I am ever going to trust him. It hurts like hell to know this means after some point I will probably never see him again. I do love him... that's what that hurt means.
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Spookie, the isolated things triggering your anxiety aren't reasons for distrust. It's a misdirected feeling. You do have reason to feel like your needs aren't being met (see what I wrote above), but you're attaching it to other stuff that he's doing instead. The point is just because you're reacting to the wrong things, doesn't mean something isn't off.
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I just don't think I am ever going to trust him. It hurts like hell to know this means after some point I will probably never see him again. I do love him... that's what that hurt means. If you love him it's natural to want him to be able to express the same level of feeling to you, or at least acknowledge that you're in a relationship, you know? Especially after nine months together.
Author spookie Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 If you love him it's natural to want him to be able to express the same level of feeling to you, or at least acknowledge that you're in a relationship, you know? Especially after nine months together. He's acknowledged that we're in a relationship, though. It took him a while but he did it without my pressuring him and acted like it was something he really wanted. If I am looking at the wrong flags, where are the right ones? The "I love you" thing? I'm not too hung up, if he's comfortable going slowly emotionally, I'm ok with that. But despite all this, I still feel like he's just acting? Does that make any sense? I just don't trust him. I'm convinced he's open to the idea of "something better" and would have no qualms pursuing it with no regard to my feelings.
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 He's acknowledged that we're in a relationship, though. It took him a while but he did it without my pressuring him and acted like it was something he really wanted. If I am looking at the wrong flags, where are the right ones? The "I love you" thing? I'm not too hung up, if he's comfortable going slowly emotionally, I'm ok with that. But despite all this, I still feel like he's just acting? Does that make any sense? I just don't trust him. I'm convinced he's open to the idea of "something better" and would have no qualms pursuing it with no regard to my feelings. I think whether you can trust him or not depends a lot on what he's communicated to you when you've asked about the relationship. Have you ever asked him where he sees it going? Has he ever said that it takes him awhile, that he moves slowly, but he sees a future with you?
djhall Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Still, I do think your intuition is legit and not just a defense mechanism. Things that concern me: 1) your relationship started by him cheating with you on his past girlfriend. 2) He hasn't said I love you after nine months, and I'm pretty sure you said it to him once awhile back (didn't you?, and he tried to make a joke out of it. 3) When you've asked him in the past if you're in an actual relationship, a pretty basic question, he's always been evasive. WHAT???? I just don't think I am ever going to trust him. Well, yeah, I think I'm starting to see why things like not calling back bother you as much as they do. I still feel like he's just acting? Does that make any sense? I just don't trust him. I'm convinced he's open to the idea of "something better" and would have no qualms pursuing it with no regard to my feelings. Awww, spook! Only you know what is right for you and only you can make this decision, but if this is where the two of you are after nine months, and if you already have a cheating issue to overcome, I have to ask if you see fully moving past this anytime in the foreseeable future and having a strong, close, trusting relationship like you want?
Author spookie Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Alright, so.... he texted me back. "Good luck with your test tomorrow. Call me back tomorrow and we'll figure out what we're doing." Am I right to be even more suspicious now? Who returns 2 missed calls with a text at midnight? Someone sleeping with another person...?
Green Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Alright, so.... he texted me back. "Good luck with your test tomorrow. Call me back tomorrow and we'll figure out what we're doing." Am I right to be even more suspicious now? Who returns 2 missed calls with a text at midnight? Someone sleeping with another person...? Probably that is what is happening. Hack his email and facebook... if you really need proof or just leave him for making you paranoid
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Alright, so.... he texted me back. "Good luck with your test tomorrow. Call me back tomorrow and we'll figure out what we're doing." Am I right to be even more suspicious now? Who returns 2 missed calls with a text at midnight? Someone sleeping with another person...? I still think you're barking up the wrong tree. He could be sleeping with someone else; it frankly wouldn't surprise me. But you're focusing on the wrong stuff, since there isn't any strong evidence pointing in that direction. Bottom line is he's not giving you what you need, and I hope you eventually realize that.
Author spookie Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 I think whether you can trust him or not depends a lot on what he's communicated to you when you've asked about the relationship. Have you ever asked him where he sees it going? Has he ever said that it takes him awhile, that he moves slowly, but he sees a future with you? We've never had that kind of conversation. Some comments made in passing: "I don't want to get married anytime soon, but spookie's great because we have such a great time." <- about 2 months in, very drunk, to a friend "I'm not interested in anyone else. Why would I want to date anyone else? I think you're beautiful and I have fun with you." "We can make it, right?" (talking about him interning next summer in Hong Kong) "You can come visit." <- yah right. I can't deal with him not calling me back w/i an hour, but I can do a long distance relationship. Nearly the exact wherin I was in tears played out last Thursday. He wound up coming over to reassure me we were ok. He played good boyfriend all weekend, texting me from a trip to his hometown, but apparently, if it's Wednesday and I'm crying about the same thing, I'm not easily placated.
Author spookie Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Probably that is what is happening. Hack his email and facebook... if you really need proof or just leave him for making you paranoid You really think that he's cheating on me?
InceptorsRule Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Alright, so.... he texted me back. "Good luck with your test tomorrow. Call me back tomorrow and we'll figure out what we're doing." Am I right to be even more suspicious now? Who returns 2 missed calls with a text at midnight? Someone sleeping with another person...? By any chance is your bf a gamer? They get pretty wrapped up in that stuff.
Green Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 You really think that he's cheating on me? How the heck would I know. You are the one getting the feeling he might be right?
dispatch3d Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 lol jesus. This is pretty simple. You DONT trust him. So BREAKUP with him. That's it, done deal. No trust means you shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship. You shouldn't need him to call back 100% of the time lightning fast fwiw. But the example you gave (he calls at 9:30, you call back twice and he doesn't respond) is definitely over the top. He probably didn't talk to you before your test because he didnt want to upset you. Even texting you was upsetting.
Chocolat Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Alright, so.... he texted me back. "Good luck with your test tomorrow. Call me back tomorrow and we'll figure out what we're doing." Am I right to be even more suspicious now? Who returns 2 missed calls with a text at midnight? Someone sleeping with another person...? Or someone who thinks you might be trying to get a good night's sleep before your test.
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