I think I've checked out of my relationship

[spookie]

Since my last update, wherin I was hammered and an emotional mess and he attempted to reassure me that he wasn't planning on abandoning me, we've gone a week without contact.

 

I wanted the space. I had stuff to get done, and I felt like I needed to be by myself for a while so I could stop focusing on all the ways this relationship makes me feel insecure, and start focusing on my own life.

 

Now, I feel a lot better, but I don't really miss him. He's off doing his own thing, and I truly feel happier not knowing about it.

 

Does that mean I need to end this?

 

It feels like everyone in my age group is either engaged, married, or in a happy FB-official relationship that could very well lead to marriage, but even having dated this guy for 9 months, I don't feel like I'm in that category of "happily taken". I am SO envious of the couples who look committed and in love.

 

I wonder if it's something I did wrong that prevented us from having that, or if he just wasn't the right guy for me. Even if he wasn't the right guy for me, why the heck have I NEVER had that kind of relationship in my life?

 

This is the first person I dated in 2 years, and my second-longest relationship to date, so I'm quite depressed about the prospect of being single again with no prospects. If I do break up with him, I'm gonna miss the sex really bad. :sick:

[sultry33]

I never missed my last ex.. we was together a year and not once did i feel that wow.. belly flip i love you so much stuff:eek:

i missed the sex but not him..

 

I wonder too if i will ever settle down again but i keep trying;)

[Crazy Magnet]

If you aren't missing him and you don't care about what he is doing then yes, it's time to go on and end things. I've been in that kind of relationship before and it's still hard to walk away, but it's the right thing to do rather than lead him on or drag it out. Both of you deserve more than a lukewarm relationship.

 

Just be honest with him and tell him that you aren't feeling "it" and see what he says. Maybe he's not into it all that much either.

 

After waiting and waiting and waiting for my perfect match I did indeed find him and I'm one of "those" coupes now. All I have to say is it was more than worth the wait.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I have never been one of those couples either.

 

I was always either single or in some screwed up dating situation.

 

The only thing that I truly miss from screwed up dating situations is the physical part. Sex and other forms of physical affection.

[Ruby Slippers]

I felt like I needed to be by myself for a while so I could stop focusing on all the ways this relationship makes me feel insecure, and start focusing on my own life.

 

Now, I feel a lot better, but I don't really miss him. He's off doing his own thing, and I truly feel happier not knowing about it.

 

even having dated this guy for 9 months, I don't feel like I'm in that category of "happily taken". I am SO envious of the couples who look committed and in love.

I suggest you talk to a good counselor pronto. It doesn't sound good, but this is the perfect time to start getting to the bottom of your pattern that is not working for you. Talk to someone smart about relationships before you make a break. Whatever you decide to do, that will help tremendously.

 

My counselor has a sliding scale and does phone appointments, and she's brilliant. I went through a few duds to find her. If you need a referral, PM me and I'll give you her info.

[Enchanted Girl]

Fear of loneliness is not a good reason to stay in a relationship. You have to realize that wasting more time with a guy that you don't having any feelings for will actually prevent you from finding a guy who it will possibly work out with. You can't pursue other men while in a relationship with someone else.

 

You need to end it. I know you're scared, but this will not be your last relationship. You'll find someone else and anyway, you'll be happier alone probably than you would be staying with someone who makes you miserable.

[InceptorsRule]

In the cool of the evening

When everything is gettin kind of groovy

I call you up and ask you if you

Would you like to go with me and see a movie

First you say no, you've got some plans for the night

And then you stop, and say, all right

Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you

You always keep me guessin

I never seem to know what you are thinkin

And if a fella looks at you

It's for sure your little eye will be a-winkin

I get confused, cause I don't know where I stand

And then you smile, and hold my hand

Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you

Spooky

If you decide someday to stop this little game that you are playin

I'm gonna tell you all what my heart's been a-dyin to be sayin

Just like a ghost, you've been a-hauntin my dreams

So I'll propose on Halloween

Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you

Spooky, spooky, oh whoa, all right

Spooky, oh yea yea

I said Spooky yea yea

[Lady vs Panda]

Ordinarily I would agree, holding on when there's nothing really there is a sh*t way to live your life. BUT--is there really nothing there? Were you really upset just a week ago, afraid that he would abandon you?

 

I haven't read your past threads, granted. But that sounds like a defense mechanism kicking in to me, after a big-time moment of vulnerability.

[Jilly Bean]

I missed the other drama you mentioned, but it sounds like you tweaked on him and were afraid he'd leave you, is that right? So, then you decided to really push him away, ask for a week of space, and now have convinced yourself you're happier without him.

 

Um... I think this is all about you not wanting to feel vulnerable, since you really love this guy.

 

Just a hunch...

[shadowplay]

I have never been one of those couples either.

 

I was always either single or in some screwed up dating situation.

 

The only thing that I truly miss from screwed up dating situations is the physical part. Sex and other forms of physical affection.

 

Yeah, but it's almost worst to be in what seems like one of those ideal relationships and have it ripped away from you.

[spookie]

I missed the other drama you mentioned, but it sounds like you tweaked on him and were afraid he'd leave you, is that right? So, then you decided to really push him away, ask for a week of space, and now have convinced yourself you're happier without him.

 

Um... I think this is all about you not wanting to feel vulnerable, since you really love this guy.

 

Just a hunch...

 

I don't know what love means anymore, so I don't know if I love this guy, but yah, I don't want to feel vulnerable.

 

But shouldn't I be feeling safe, not vulnerable? I want to feel safe and this R just brings out my crazy.

[spookie]

I suggest you talk to a good counselor pronto. It doesn't sound good, but this is the perfect time to start getting to the bottom of your pattern that is not working for you. Talk to someone smart about relationships before you make a break. Whatever you decide to do, that will help tremendously.

 

My counselor has a sliding scale and does phone appointments, and she's brilliant. I went through a few duds to find her. If you need a referral, PM me and I'll give you her info.

 

Thanks Ruby... that is something I've been meaning to do for a while.

 

Most of the time I think I have so much insight into myself but when I look at the results of my life, I realize there are so many subconscious decisions that I've that brought me here, that I really do not understand.

 

For example, why have I never dated a guy who wanted to marry me? Who'd even consider it?

 

I have met who liked me and could have provided the type of relationship that I want, but I hav found reasons to balk from every one of them.

 

Maybe I've got some commitment phobia issues, who knows.

[Hot Carl]

But shouldn't I be feeling safe, not vulnerable? I want to feel safe and this R just brings out my crazy.

 

Is it your hypothesis that some other relationship wouldn't bring out your crazy? And/or that you could possibly feel safe in a relationship?

[Enchanted Girl]

I don't know what love means anymore, so I don't know if I love this guy, but yah, I don't want to feel vulnerable.

 

But shouldn't I be feeling safe, not vulnerable? I want to feel safe and this R just brings out my crazy.

 

I'm glad people noticed this about you because I didn't read your other thread and had no idea.

 

Relationships are always scary things if you're actually investing yourself in them at all. My boyfriend sometimes brings out the crazy in me, too. I also sometimes bring out the crazy in him. I can't say I'm 100% proud of all the actions that I've taken in my relationship with him.

 

Why do you think there's so many bitter people on this forum, posting here and bashing the opposite gender? Because all relationships are about vulnerability to some degree, but romantic relationships are much worse about this, so when they fall apart, it can be a huge explosion of horrible things because there's all these emotions invested in it.

 

Yes, it's scary, but if you're not making yourself vulnerable like in that in a relationship with a guy, then you're not actually in one with him at all.

[Pink Cupcakes]

I don't think you should be hasty and just end it because of a week. If you're ready to seeing him, or at least talking to him, give him a call and see how it goes.

[spookie]

Lingers the question: why do I feel so vulnerable?

 

Examples of situation that make me feel vulnerable (I don't know if these are due to bad communication or a fault in the relationship):

 

-He doesn't immediately pick up 95% of the time when I call.

Granted, my ratio is probably even worse than that, but I don't tend to carry my phone around on me like he does, and I always call back in a reasonable time frame (<1 hr).

 

On the other hand, sometimes he will take hours, during which I'm left speculating about wtf he is doing. Which friend is he having drinks with tonight?

 

-He hasn't said, "I love you" yet. On the other hand, neither have I, and if I'm considering dumping him, can one really blame him? I mean, it's selfish to expect love before you give it back. But still - the fact that it's been 9 months, and our relationship doesn't feel "for long haul" to me because of the absence of these indicators of his emotions, makes me feel crappy.

 

-Not his fault at all, but I just don't open up anymore. In my first R, I remember expressing all my vulnerabilities - not even necessarily those specific to the relationship - and just letting my boyfriend love me until I felt better. I don't do that anymore - I don't do it with anyone. Examining feelings leads to flashbacks to the past and if I let myself feel all that hurt again, I'll just wind up feeling extremely depressed. So I don't open up. But that means, our R is pretty shallow.

[spookie]

Is it your hypothesis that some other relationship wouldn't bring out your crazy? And/or that you could possibly feel safe in a relationship?

 

Yah.

 

This is going to sound stupid, but I think if I were in a relationship with my boss, I'd feel safe.

 

He is a man who values loyalty above all else so I know if he committed to me, I could trust his word on it.

 

In my last relationship (college years) I felt safe up until the end. I knew he loved me, in the kind of way that wasn't replacable with just another pretty face. When we broke up I was devastated thinking that meant I'd been wrong, but with years of hindsight, I realize that wasn't why the relationship ended. He was very different from my boss, but I could trust him because his love was trustworthy.

 

At the end of the day, I don't really trust my boyfriend.

[Jilly Bean]

I don't know what love means anymore, so I don't know if I love this guy, but yah, I don't want to feel vulnerable.

 

But shouldn't I be feeling safe, not vulnerable? I want to feel safe and this R just brings out my crazy.

 

Well, I think we feel vulnerable when we really fall for someone and let down our guard. It becomes very scary, as admitting how much we love someone, means we are leaving ourselves open emotionally to really being hurt.

 

It's a very scary situation, Spookie.

 

Should you feel safe? Sure. But, I think that only comes when we are able to push through our own fears to let someone prove their love and commitment.

 

If you dump him now, you'll never get beyond this. If nothing else, it would be a good exercise.

 

All the rest of your other post about the reasons why he sucks is you trying to convince yourself he's bad (when he's not), because it's easier to end it, than live with the temporary discomfort and panic you're feeling.

[Enchanted Girl]

Lingers the question: why do I feel so vulnerable?

 

Examples of situation that make me feel vulnerable (I don't know if these are due to bad communication or a fault in the relationship):

 

-He doesn't immediately pick up 95% of the time when I call.

Granted, my ratio is probably even worse than that, but I don't tend to carry my phone around on me like he does, and I always call back in a reasonable time frame (<1 hr).

 

On the other hand, sometimes he will take hours, during which I'm left speculating about wtf he is doing. Which friend is he having drinks with tonight?

 

-He hasn't said, "I love you" yet. On the other hand, neither have I, and if I'm considering dumping him, can one really blame him? I mean, it's selfish to expect love before you give it back. But still - the fact that it's been 9 months, and our relationship doesn't feel "for long haul" to me because of the absence of these indicators of his emotions, makes me feel crappy.

 

-Not his fault at all, but I just don't open up anymore. In my first R, I remember expressing all my vulnerabilities - not even necessarily those specific to the relationship - and just letting my boyfriend love me until I felt better. I don't do that anymore - I don't do it with anyone. Examining feelings leads to flashbacks to the past and if I let myself feel all that hurt again, I'll just wind up feeling extremely depressed. So I don't open up. But that means, our R is pretty shallow.

 

I can see where you are coming from. He's obviously not being as serious about you as you are wanting to be about him. He might change or you two might not be incompatible, but I don't think your concerns about the guy are unfounded.

 

My boyfriend doesn't answer the phone as much when he's feeling less good about me and our relationship. When he's feeling good about it, he'll answer the phone when I call 80-90% of the time. As long as he's not at work or school or something.

 

How long have you two been dating?

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating 5 years and he's got less scared of the commitment over time and better about these things, so I wouldn't necessarily compare your relationship to mine.

 

Anyway, not all guys are the same, so even if you break-up with this one, don't let it destroy your future relationships. You have to keep making yourself vulnerable like that or you'll never find the guy who will be just as vulnerable back.

[djhall]

Spookie,

 

I really don't know your situation or your history like some of the other posters seem to, but I do know much of what you are describing is rather normal, like the BF bringing out the crazy in you, not wanting to feel vulnerable, or worrying about it when he disappears and ignores attempts to contact him for long periods of time.

 

But looking over your posts in this thread these particular items caught my eye:

 

we've gone a week without contact... I feel a lot better, but I don't really miss him. He's off doing his own thing, and I truly feel happier not knowing about it.

 

the fact that it's been 9 months, and our relationship doesn't feel "for long haul" to me because of the absence of these indicators of his emotions, makes me feel crappy.

 

At the end of the day, I don't really trust my boyfriend.

 

Now, it may well just be my personal experiece with some of these issues, but I would consider it a potential warning indicator if you don't miss him and feel happier when he is gone for a week. Similarly, I wouldn't expect a marriage proposal necessarily, but I would think nine months to a year should be enough time to figure out if he sees his future when he looks in your eyes. Finally, relationships are built on trust, so if you really don't trust your boyfriend, then I'd think long and hard about whether that was likely to change soon and why. Maybe it is him, or maybe it is you, but either way you need that trust if you want to build that relationship.\

 

Just my 2 cents. Best wishes.

[spookie]

I don't know if this is an example of WHY I don't trust him, or if my distrust is just causing me to feel uneasy about the situation, but:

 

tomorrow I am taking a big, important test

 

as I said, I haven't talked to him in a few days. I was hoping for at least a "good luck" test this evening.

 

He called me @ 9:30 PM. I was downstairs doing laundry and I missed his call.

 

I called him back @ 9:45. He didn't pick up.

 

I called again, 11:30. Voicemail.

 

So what has he been doing for 2 hours between 9:30 and 11:30 that he couldn't give me a quick call back?

 

Would a reasonable person get upset over this?

 

All of the times this has happened, it turned out he had a legit reason why he couldn't call me - at the gym, doing laundry, whatever.

 

But I keep waiting for the day he doesn't call back. And it turns out he WAS with a woman like I expected.

[spookie]

Would it be an unreasonable dealbreaker to break up with him if I don't hear back from him before my test?

 

Would that signal an obvious disinterest in me?

[shadowplay]

You know I think this relationship has an expiry date, but nobody ever listens to me because I'm a grumpy, mopey head.

 

Still, I do think your intuition is legit and not just a defense mechanism. Things that concern me: 1) your relationship started by him cheating with you on his past girlfriend. 2) He hasn't said I love you after nine months, and I'm pretty sure you said it to him once awhile back (didn't you?, and he tried to make a joke out of it. 3) When you've asked him in the past if you're in an actual relationship, a pretty basic question, he's always been evasive.

 

These are natural things to be concerned about. You have the traditional expectations that most women have going into a relationship, and that's perfectly OK. You shouldn't force yourself to change that just because you haven't met a guy yet who is mature and/or healthy enough to provide that. Stop trying to convince yourself that's not what you want, because it is.

[spookie]

And now I'm in tears wondering if this time he IS out with another woman.

 

Maybe not on a date per se, but a group thing including someone he's interested in. He's not picking up my calls because he doesn't want her to realize he has a girlfriend.

[shadowplay]

And now I'm in tears wondering if this time he IS out with another woman.

 

Maybe not on a date per se, but a group thing including someone he's interested in. He's not picking up my calls because he doesn't want her to realize he has a girlfriend.

 

Spookie, you can do soooo much better than this guy. Really. You aren't being overly sensitive. He's not offering you what you need, and what you need is pretty basic. Stop rationalizing.