EthanH Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 I am finding it really difficult to find other girls attractive. My ex split with me in feb, we got back a few times, the last time was for most of may and june, and then she got cold feet again. I know most of you will say, 'you won't until you get over her...' and even as I'm writing this, I know that is true. I never built her up to be something which she is not. I have tried to hook up with other girls, girls who I really did think were hot, and in the end, I bailed, felt bad for them. It's almost like I still feel like I'm cheating on her, even though I know I'm not with her. I have had break-ups before, with long term girlfriends, and it was never like this... it's made worse by the fact that anything to do with sex just drives me nuts, I still have natural urges, but whenever I do, it reminds me of her and kills me...
TheUnthoughtKnown Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 I am finding it really difficult to find other girls attractive. My ex split with me in feb, we got back a few times, the last time was for most of may and june, and then she got cold feet again. I know most of you will say, 'you won't until you get over her...' and even as I'm writing this, I know that is true. I never built her up to be something which she is not. I have tried to hook up with other girls, girls who I really did think were hot, and in the end, I bailed, felt bad for them. It's almost like I still feel like I'm cheating on her, even though I know I'm not with her. I have had break-ups before, with long term girlfriends, and it was never like this... it's made worse by the fact that anything to do with sex just drives me nuts, I still have natural urges, but whenever I do, it reminds me of her and kills me... Same thing happened with me. Its been four months and I've barely looked at another girl. Yeah, I've chatted some up in clubs in stuff, but I never took it further than casual banter. I was, however, in a girls flat just over a month ago. I knew she liked me an I'd had a few nights out with her etc, so when she asked me if I wanted to hang out at hers, a few of my friends talked me into it, said it would help me. I felt kinda...dirty being there, you know? Like I was cheating. I felt like I was cheating, how insane is that?? And although I always thought she was attractive, I couldn't stop making comparisons between her and my ex and guess what...she always came out worse than my ex. Her laugh wasn't as good, her flirting, just not the same, we didn't click as well as me and my ex etc, though that was probably coz I am still hung up on my ex. Dude, give it time. When you begin to get over her, you'll meet someone new and that spark will come back. You'll remembered its possible to be attracted to someone else but your ex. The sex thing is normal too coz you're still sexually attracted to your ex, and since you seem like you're still in love with her, it would make sense that when you think about sex, you think about her. I'm in exactly the same place, man. Keep trying to move forward. I wish you well, good luck!
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I struggled with this...the difference was I got into a rebound and had sex with him anyway (I did find him attractive but not massively). I did it to prove to myself that my ex didn't have that sexual hold on me (he was my first partner) and any time I felt horny, I automatically thought of him. So I just went with the flow into unfamiliar territory, forgot about all the 'this isn't like me' thoughts and did it...and it definately helped in my situation, though I don't think its recommended for all. Actually rushing into having sex can set you back more, because there is so much missing from sex outside of relationship sex and thats what we are all used to. For example with the rebound boy, I hated cuddling him after sex whereas with my ex we'd cuddle the whole day afterwards pretty much. So if you aren't ready for this, don't do it. I find loads of men attractive now - I just don't do anything about it. Still too fearful to get involved with anyone. You will start to like new girls, but normally only if you get really offput your ex. Any experiences with them sexually that were offputting? Focus on those. I kind of cringe now when I think of sleeping with my ex because I force myself to reply one bad experience sexually, and so thats all I focus on, rather than all the positives.
GrayClouds Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Your simple not ready, does not mean anything is wrong with you, it your heart telling you to keep the focus on you for now. Trust it, when you really ready, they will come.
Author EthanH Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Thanks for the advice everyone. Thought I would add a little update... I did the rebound thing. The girl was hot. I was drunk, and I don't remember consciously deciding to go through with it, but I guess my instinct won through. Thing is, I consider myself to be a fairly nice guy, and yet in the end, it freaked me out so much that I had to stop half way through, got up, apologised a million times (she was really good about it considering), got dressed, and left. I felt rubbish the next day. My mind is totally scrambled. When we got back she asked me more than a few times if i thought of her still when i was horny etc. And told me she still did. It's such a confusing thing to say, considering she broke up with me! Sex was the one good thing between us. I have had quite a few relationships, and i have slept with a fair amount of people, and it was never the way it was with her. If I'm honest, it was the one thing which was consistently good between us. I think it is a hangover from being in a pretty serious relationship, I get the whole thing that you said about feeling almost like I'm 'cheating' when another girl chats me up. I have had break-ups before, some of them were from pretty serious relationships, and it was never like this, not even close.
Forget About Her Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I feel you completely. My ex (we broke up 2 months ago after 5+ years together), and she is very very pretty, but not unbelievably hot. I honestly never thought she was super super attractive, and while we were together I always noticed girls I thought were prettier than her with better bodies, etc. Now that we are broken up, it's like I feel none of the girls that show interest are as good looking as her, it's weird. I'm just now starting to meet some chicks in law school that I think are much much better looking than her, unfortunately none of them seem to be single, lol. I guess it just takes time, like anything else when it comes to a breakup. My ex struggles with her body image, and basically used cocaine for a month 4 years ago when we broke up to loose 20+ pounds.
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