So maybe staying for the kids is not such a good idea after all

[piscis]

I was reading another thread where someone asked if it is possible to sympathize with an OW/OM and I quiote: "I had to go through with my parent is because of the fact that there is another woman involved in the equation."

 

So I couldn't stop thinking this: the MM I have been dating tells me he can not leave his W because of his little 7 year old daughter, his W is aware of the A so did the girl because when the BS discovered the A she kicked him out and told the girl his daddy was leaving because he did not love her because if he has loved her he would not have cheated on her mother.

 

So he decided to go back because his W because made him see that he could not be so selfish to destroy the little gitl's life just because he is in love with someone else.

 

They have constant arguments, his girl asks him every time his phone rings if that was a woman because she knows it is bad for daddy to speak to women, he avoids being there as much as he can.

 

So is really staying for the kids that good?

I mean as hard as it can be wouldn't it be better to talk to the little girl, explain to her that they argue a lot and they love her more than anything but they do not want her lo live in a home where mummy and daddy are fighting all the time instead of being there pretending.

 

It would be very sad to see his father leave and adapting to a new way of life but wouldn't that be better instead of adapting that daddy is almost never home, that on vacations daddy never goes (he does not go), mother crying because he is never there, wondering if he is really working or with somobody else and teh gilr in the middle of it?????

 

I could think of this like isn't that better o have the pain of a shot instead of having constant stomach ake for yerars??

 

The main question is at the end of the row when little girls and little boys become adults was it really the best for them to have had that childhood???

[CrayonAngel]

I had a really long reply written out but I hit the wrong key. but in a nutshell

 

*you have no idea that he is being honest with you...he is breaking a huge commitment to someone who has given birth to his daughter...that doesn't say much about his character.

*He isn't staying for his Daughter...you said so yourself..he's never there. Doesn't go on vacations with them, and the W is always crying asking herself why he is never there.

*He is a coward. who needs to man up and stop making up excuses for not leaving his W. If he was a real man, he would leave and not cause longterm damage on his daughter.

*Are you okay with him not being there for his daughter so he can spend time with you?you do realize if you stay with him..you will more than likely be right where his wife is one day?

[2sure]

If she threw him out because of his infidelity...he must have done quite a bit of "talking" to get back in.

[nadiaj2727]

I don't think it's good to stay for the children if the parents are not loving each other and treating each other right. My parents started hating each other when I was a teenager and they still do to this day, even though I have younger siblings at home who have to hear them fight and be cruel to each other all the time. I fear my younger siblings have no idea what a loving relationship is about and I would ten times rather see my parents get divorced and be happy alone or with other people than see my little sibs live through this hell.

 

IMO many people stay (and cheat) because they are too weak to do the hard work to either work on themselves and the relationship or to leave the marriage and seek happiness elsewhere (and work on themselves). I don't know of any truly happy people who cheat or of any truly happy people who just "stay for the kids." Often it is an excuse or the easy way out, IMO.

[OWoman]

I don't think it's good to stay for the children if the parents are not loving each other and treating each other right. My parents started hating each other when I was a teenager and they still do to this day, even though I have younger siblings at home who have to hear them fight and be cruel to each other all the time. I fear my younger siblings have no idea what a loving relationship is about and I would ten times rather see my parents get divorced and be happy alone or with other people than see my little sibs live through this hell.

 

IMO many people stay (and cheat) because they are too weak to do the hard work to either work on themselves and the relationship or to leave the marriage and seek happiness elsewhere (and work on themselves). I don't know of any truly happy people who cheat or of any truly happy people who just "stay for the kids." Often it is an excuse or the easy way out, IMO.

 

(((hugs))) Nadia!

 

I had a similar childhood. It definitely left me with a blighted view of M, to say the least... (Between us kids, we each have at least one failed M, so I wasn't the only one!)

[Confused4Now]

I don't think it's good to stay for the children if the parents are not loving each other and treating each other right. My parents started hating each other when I was a teenager and they still do to this day, even though I have younger siblings at home who have to hear them fight and be cruel to each other all the time. I fear my younger siblings have no idea what a loving relationship is about and I would ten times rather see my parents get divorced and be happy alone or with other people than see my little sibs live through this hell.

 

IMO many people stay (and cheat) because they are too weak to do the hard work to either work on themselves and the relationship or to leave the marriage and seek happiness elsewhere (and work on themselves). I don't know of any truly happy people who cheat or of any truly happy people who just "stay for the kids." Often it is an excuse or the easy way out, IMO.

I know I used to use my kids as an excuse before leaving my xW and what I found out it did more harm to my kids...I have two older boys who are in their 20's and I see some behaviors in them that I did with my xW. Their GF's come to me and say this is exactly what they learned from my situation when I was leaving my marriage and I have to agree with them.

 

So in the long run it's not good to stay cause those behaviors are learned by the kids and now I regret not leaving sooner. I agree I was scared and weak...but I got to the point it where I couldn't take it any longer so I left. It was time and I did it that's the bottom line. I was ready to start looking for my happiness elsewhere...

[piscis]

Thanks everyone for the comments.

Maybe I did a bad structure of the post making this about my MM but I meant in general.

He is a coward and he is there for himself and his own security and to avoid trouble.

I meant more in general not about my own MM's stuation or personal believes.

 

I would have to agree with nadiaj2727 and confused4know when he says: " in the long run it's not good to stay cause those behaviors are learned by the kids and now I regret not leaving sooner.."

 

little boys and girls will learn or think life is what they have at home, I watched a TV programm about a man who's father rapped him and he thought that was happening to all his friends at school and that was "normal"; so as my counsellor told my MM when he was deciding to return home or leave his daughter now is aware that it is bad for his daddy to speak to women because her mother gets angry.

 

The little girl will grow up learning that love between parents is what she sees at home.

 

I think some parents as BS or WS hide their own fears in the phrase "it is only for my child's sake" because as an example: at least if my own MM was so compromised he would have end it with me or with whoever he was to really be there to his child

Edited August 11, 2010 by piscis

[Mimolicious]

I have to agree with some of the things CrayonAngel mentioned.

 

To single out your MM's situation, Piscis. IS your MM trying to fix his home at all? Seems like he is not if he keeps you around.

 

I say that I rather give my kids a happy single parent home than a nightmare of a neuclear one.

 

Your MM can be staying for a million different reason, the thing is that the "for the kids" is not something that you can really use against him. You, his W or any OW would ever be more valuable (I use the term loosely) than his daughter. I personally don't think so due to his actions but blood is thicker than water.

 

His daughter will grow up programmed to be used and abused by men. This actually is the fault of everyone in the R, including you. Her mother should worry about giving her a decent, peacefull home and think like a mother and not like a woman. You MM, he should def man up, stop dragging his family in the mud and leave once and for all. You, you're actually the one with the most simple and easier choice. You can walk away and leave it all behind rather than being the person calling on the other end of the line for this little girl to question (not saying that is exactly you calling, though.) The damage is done! His daughter is already polluted and now her parents just gotta make it better...

 

Kids are not stupid and sooner or later they will find out the caliber of their parents. You can only lie and fool someone for so long.

[kuma]

The main question is at the end of the row when little girls and little boys become adults was it really the best for them to have had that childhood???

 

Of course not. Kids want happy parents. Continued fighting in front of children damage them. I really feel sorry for your MM's daughter. She's only 7 years old.

[Confused4Now]

Kids are not stupid and sooner or later they will find out the caliber of their parents. You can only lie and fool someone for so long.

Kids are not stupid...what amazes me the discussion I had with my daughter when she was 12 years old. It was amazing what she could pick up on when I was still with my xW. She saw how my xW and I interacted with each other and she could see it was not a loving caring relationship. We had been roommates for a long time way before my daughter and I had that discussion.

[Tsm]

In my opinion it is not good at all for everyone involved. Because i dont see how i can make the next person happy if im not,and therefore it defeats the purpose. Like someone said earlier kids are not stupid and they adapt.

[NoIDidn't]

Not only is "staying for the kids" not a good idea, it usually isn't even what the MP is doing anyway.

 

How does one "stay for a child" when they avoid being home when the child is there?

 

Its looking at this thing with both eyes wide open that shatter the instances when the kids are merely being used as an excuse to not commit to divorcing to be with the OP.

[piscis]

Thank you for the comments.

 

IMO neither the mother or the father are thinking about the girl's benefit IMO they are thinking about themselves, he travels very much, last week he was away for 5 days and I asked him how his daughter was and he told me: "I was not able to talk to her when I had the chance to call home she was playing outside with a cousin"

 

I was so surprised.

I mean if he really cares he phones when he knows the girl is waking up or about to going to sleep or he asks his mother kindly to bring her to teh phone.

If his W really cared about father / daugter R she will shout to her girl to come inside to answer the phone to his dad, or ask him to call at "x" hour to reach her or to persue her like "lets call daddy to see how he is doing"

 

I think that at certain point in a very unconscious way they will even "hate" her because they both HAD (as if they had no options) to stay in order to give the girl a "lovely" home??? I do not think so.

 

I think it is just sad because parents think or believe or hide behind they are doing the best for their children and I know of many cases that when those children turn into adults say to their mom and dad why didn't you leave when you could??

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I was reading another thread where someone asked if it is possible to sympathize with an OW/OM and I quiote: "I had to go through with my parent is because of the fact that there is another woman involved in the equation."

 

So I couldn't stop thinking this: the MM I have been dating tells me he can not leave his W because of his little 7 year old daughter, his W is aware of the A so did the girl because when the BS discovered the A she kicked him out and told the girl his daddy was leaving because he did not love her because if he has loved her he would not have cheated on her mother.

 

Interesting how a cheater/liar would tell you, his OW that. The fact that you believe him is a little interesting.

So he decided to go back because his W because made him see that he could not be so selfish to destroy the little gitl's life just because he is in love with someone else.

Right..so he'd rather live in misery because of his little girl? There is way more to this story than he letting on.

They have constant arguments, his girl asks him every time his phone rings if that was a woman because she knows it is bad for daddy to speak to women, he avoids being there as much as he can.

Of couse he's going to tell you what you want to hear!

So is really staying for the kids that good? Hell no! So your telling us this wonderful man your seeing is this stupid???Wow!

I mean as hard as it can be wouldn't it be better to talk to the little girl, explain to her that they argue a lot and they love her more than anything but they do not want her lo live in a home where mummy and daddy are fighting all the time instead of being there pretending.

Wow...and to think you'd like a future with a creep like this.

 

It would be very sad to see his father leave and adapting to a new way of life but wouldn't that be better instead of adapting that daddy is almost never home, that on vacations daddy never goes (he does not go), mother crying because he is never there, wondering if he is really working or with somobody else and teh gilr in the middle of it?????

 

I could think of this like isn't that better o have the pain of a shot instead of having constant stomach ake for yerars??

 

The main question is at the end of the row when little girls and little boys become adults was it really the best for them to have had that childhood???

I guess my question to you would be...how do you feel as an OW contributing to this little girls pain? Or is this another "he's married to her" case and "I have nothing to do with it?"

 

 

As you can see..I have a difference aspect on this. Yes 2 parents who can't get along...simply shouldnt be together. I personally think he's lying to you about a whole lot of stuff..especially that hes staying for the kid. We all know thats a typical lie for a WS. So what now..you happy knowing you'll more or less be the OW for the next 11 years?

[TinaniT]

I was reading another thread where someone asked if it is possible to sympathize with an OW/OM and I quiote: "I had to go through with my parent is because of the fact that there is another woman involved in the equation."

 

So I couldn't stop thinking this: the MM I have been dating tells me he can not leave his W because of his little 7 year old daughter, his W is aware of the A so did the girl because when the BS discovered the A she kicked him out and told the girl his daddy was leaving because he did not love her because if he has loved her he would not have cheated on her mother.

 

So he decided to go back because his W because made him see that he could not be so selfish to destroy the little gitl's life just because he is in love with someone else.

 

They have constant arguments, his girl asks him every time his phone rings if that was a woman because she knows it is bad for daddy to speak to women, he avoids being there as much as he can.

 

So is really staying for the kids that good?

I mean as hard as it can be wouldn't it be better to talk to the little girl, explain to her that they argue a lot and they love her more than anything but they do not want her lo live in a home where mummy and daddy are fighting all the time instead of being there pretending.

 

It would be very sad to see his father leave and adapting to a new way of life but wouldn't that be better instead of adapting that daddy is almost never home, that on vacations daddy never goes (he does not go), mother crying because he is never there, wondering if he is really working or with somobody else and teh gilr in the middle of it?????

 

I could think of this like isn't that better o have the pain of a shot instead of having constant stomach ake for yerars??

 

The main question is at the end of the row when little girls and little boys become adults was it really the best for them to have had that childhood???

 

1. Better divorce than an unhappy marriage "for the kids" - but that doesn't mean the decision is easier and that you can see the right one on the other side of it.

2. My friends whose parents divorced when they are 18 said they felt like everything was a lie in their childhood and wish it happened sooner

 

 

 

3. Usually (not always) if they decide to stay, even if they say for the children, it's because they love their partner and remember what they had and want to try to make it worth. That's why they put up with the constant surveillance and questions. Because they envision the other side of it. Doesn't mean all make it successfully.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Piscis, it was not in that kid's best interests to involve her in the way that they did. It sounds like the kid is used to him not being there because of work, and if he were to be gone for a different reason it would be entirely different for her. Not having dad around because of work is one thing. Not having him around because of another woman is another - in her mind, one is normal and the other represents losing her father to someone else.

 

I suspect that if he did leave for you, the kid's mother would poison her against him - something that I"m sure he is well aware of.

 

I don't think either are staying for the kid's benefit - they are staying out of fear of their own personal failures.

 

I don't think your MM will ever divorce to be with you. Not because he doesn't want to but because I think that he feels he honestly can't.

[RedDevil66]

It never ceases to amaze me how a bunch of so called adults can f*ck up a child.

 

You stay away, tell your lover to grow a pair and this wife should kick the guy out. Then the child can have some form of normal.

 

Ugh, a 7 yr old kid talking about "daddy on the phone with women"

 

sick!

[Mimolicious]

Kids are not stupid...what amazes me the discussion I had with my daughter when she was 12 years old. It was amazing what she could pick up on when I was still with my xW. She saw how my xW and I interacted with each other and she could see it was not a loving caring relationship. We had been roommates for a long time way before my daughter and I had that discussion.

 

My xH broke my heart but the things that my 9y/o son says sometimes....:(:( it's really sad. I wish I could have spared my kids such a trauma. They do have 2 happier homes now, one thing we never did was argue in front of the kids.

 

We think that we are fooling them because they don't know any better.. They do!

 

When a parent says that they are "staying for the kids" yet turn around and have such drama in front of them they are full of shyt! They are staying because it benefits them...

[Mimolicious]

Thank you for the comments.

 

IMO neither the mother or the father are thinking about the girl's benefit IMO they are thinking about themselves, he travels very much, last week he was away for 5 days and I asked him how his daughter was and he told me: "I was not able to talk to her when I had the chance to call home she was playing outside with a cousin"

 

I was so surprised.

I mean if he really cares he phones when he knows the girl is waking up or about to going to sleep or he asks his mother kindly to bring her to teh phone.

If his W really cared about father / daugter R she will shout to her girl to come inside to answer the phone to his dad, or ask him to call at "x" hour to reach her or to persue her like "lets call daddy to see how he is doing"

 

I think that at certain point in a very unconscious way they will even "hate" her because they both HAD (as if they had no options) to stay in order to give the girl a "lovely" home??? I do not think so.

 

I think it is just sad because parents think or believe or hide behind they are doing the best for their children and I know of many cases that when those children turn into adults say to their mom and dad why didn't you leave when you could??

 

Piscis, with all due respect babylove... you are the least appointed person to say what her mother should do or even what your MM should be doing in regards to his parenting. With that said, seems like you believe everything he tells you. For all you know he speaks to his daughter every morning and every night. He could be telling you this so you can symphatize with his sorry a$$...

[HappyAtLast]

I personally believe that staying for the kids can work if it is done correctly.

 

I stayed in marriage until my last child moved out, despite not being in love with their mother for many years. There was no fighting, no unpleasantness, but, there was also no cheating either, until the very end.

 

My children grew up in a safe, secure and happy household. They are well adjusted adults now with successful marriage and careers of their own.

 

For a man to stay that he is staying for his children and continue to have an affair in my opinion is a rather large mistake.

[piscis]

Piscis, it was not in that kid's best interests to involve her in the way that they did. It sounds like the kid is used to him not being there because of work, and if he were to be gone for a different reason it would be entirely different for her. Not having dad around because of work is one thing. Not having him around because of another woman is another - in her mind, one is normal and the other represents losing her father to someone else.

 

I suspect that if he did leave for you, the kid's mother would poison her against him - something that I"m sure he is well aware of.

 

Thanks LB!

I was thinking some things about yor response:

 

When you said that if he had left for me or any other woman the kid/s mother would have poisoned her against him I do not doubt it; one night while he was not staying home we were together and about midnight the little girl called him crying because her mother told her that in case his father did not return she would have to sell her toys for money....

I do not know about when he was there but for the 2 months he was not living in that house he never quit giving money ( I went with him to the bank when he made the deposit to her).

 

And I mean what kind of woman can do something like that??? Insetad of reassuring the gilr that whatever happends between mommy and daddy she will always be safe!!!!

Isn't that what almost any mother would do?

I mean I have no kids but my mother always made me feel safe whatever happended, I remember once in my childhood we were thrown out of a house because she was just divorced and out of money and having a very difficult time and I was 6 and she protected me and made me feel fine.

When she divorced she told me that because my dad loved me so much and he knew he was sick (alcoholic, she told me that later) and did not want me to be around while he recoverd (he never did) he prefered me to be happy with my mom, I was sad, yes but agian she made me feel like Ok it has nothing to do with me it was not my fault and I will be Ok.

 

And about where you said that Not having him around because of another woman is another - in her mind, one is normal and the other represents losing her father to someone else.,I also think this can be as harder or as easy as parents want to.

 

Maybe is the hardest thing ever for the parents but you can deal with it in a way that is not that harder for the girl.

I remembered a friend who's parents divorced and I think it was her parents success that she took it so well, I mean she did not made a party out of it but she was 8 at the time and she was happy to have 2 houses, 2 bedrooms and she turnes out to be fine.

 

In my MM's particular case he prefers to tell in his house that he is on a 4 days trip and go stay with me, becuase as it is work there is not judgement at his house about it, so as long as the girl knows he is working it will be fine for her,

So I know your statement is correct when you say when it is work is one thing and when there is another woman is not, well I agree and somehow he made this philosophy turned for him as he likes not in the way it should be.

Edited August 12, 2010 by piscis

[pureinheart]

I don't think it's good to stay for the children if the parents are not loving each other and treating each other right. My parents started hating each other when I was a teenager and they still do to this day, even though I have younger siblings at home who have to hear them fight and be cruel to each other all the time. I fear my younger siblings have no idea what a loving relationship is about and I would ten times rather see my parents get divorced and be happy alone or with other people than see my little sibs live through this hell.

 

IMO many people stay (and cheat) because they are too weak to do the hard work to either work on themselves and the relationship or to leave the marriage and seek happiness elsewhere (and work on themselves). I don't know of any truly happy people who cheat or of any truly happy people who just "stay for the kids." Often it is an excuse or the easy way out, IMO.

 

ExDM had this type of childhood...his mother was an alcoholic and took all of her anger out on him for many years...well he turned into a monster and in turn took his anger out on his younger half brothers because she spoiled them...now she had a "reason" to abuse him...hummmm, interesting how that works isn't it.

 

He in turn M'ed another abuser and had an even worse home environment...drama....

[stillafool]

I know I used to use my kids as an excuse before leaving my xW and what I found out it did more harm to my kids...I have two older boys who are in their 20's and I see some behaviors in them that I did with my xW. Their GF's come to me and say this is exactly what they learned from my situation when I was leaving my marriage and I have to agree with them.

 

So in the long run it's not good to stay cause those behaviors are learned by the kids and now I regret not leaving sooner. I agree I was scared and weak...but I got to the point it where I couldn't take it any longer so I left. It was time and I did it that's the bottom line. I was ready to start looking for my happiness elsewhere...

 

I've known people who have grown up with parents who only stayed married for the kids sake and they feel the same way. They said they never saw their parents show love for one another and feel it has affected the way they react in relationships.

[pureinheart]

My xH broke my heart but the things that my 9y/o son says sometimes....:(:( it's really sad. I wish I could have spared my kids such a trauma. They do have 2 happier homes now, one thing we never did was argue in front of the kids.

 

We think that we are fooling them because they don't know any better.. They do!

 

When a parent says that they are "staying for the kids" yet turn around and have such drama in front of them they are full of shyt! They are staying because it benefits them...

 

You go it Mimo....

[pureinheart]

I've known people who have grown up with parents who only stayed married for the kids sake and they feel the same way. They said they never saw their parents show love for one another and feel it has affected the way they react in relationships.

 

Maybe that is why exDM could not show affection and was unable to be truly intimate...

 

SAF, they are closed of and have a warped sense of "love", it can actually turn very sick with certain types...