OEN Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Maybe this is the better forum area to post this... My wife of eleven plus years brought up last weekend that we should open up our marriage, maybe get divorced and still live together. She has recently started a new job, her first serious job ever. She works the night shift and I have come to realize a lot of things go on there that would be unacceptable at most jobs. We were each others first (I am at this point having trouble believing her though). We dated a long time before we even kissed, good christian kids. Now here is what I am really having a problem with. I feel I can't say no because I haven't been 100% faithful during our marriage, I hooked up one with a childhood sweetheart. I feel it would be hypocritical to say no. She doesn't know and I will keep that secret to my grave. If she wanted to cheat why not just do it, don't ask my permission for your behavior. And the rabbit hole goes deeper. I love her, I think, or is it just familiarity and fear of the unknown without her? I am almost 100% sure that my life personally would be better without her. But we have three kids, I refuse to mess them up, shipping them back and forth tearing them apart. Since she started her job, I don't even know her anymore. She told me yesterday that she is doing everything she can to sexually harass the guys there, what the hell does that mean? She used to get mad at me if a girl looked my direction too long. This is just too much change for me too fast. She works in a factory and she burned her hand on her brazing torch a couple days ago because she was checking out another woman's butt. How am I supposed to respond to that? I know above I said I think I love her, but at the same time I hate her. I have put my everything into this marriage all these years, minus one big screw up. I have work up to 4 jobs at a time to keep our family afloat and so she could be a stay at home mom. One would think that would include keeping the house decent, cooking meals, doing laundry, etc. No apparently in our case it meant sleeping in, playing on the computer and ignoring the kids and the messes they were making, then lying to me when I get home and saying it just happened. My oldest son is always complaining to me the his mother does nothing but sleep and play the computer. I know it is true, but I don't know what to do about it. She says we were happier when we were just dating and we should go back to that. Maybe we were, but we are 11.5 years past that point and it can't be recaptured. I could complain so much more, but won't. I realize I am not the best husband, I have trouble giving compliments, I see the negative in ever situation, I don't take compliments very well, I hate myself because of things that happened to me in the past. I don't know really what I hope to get from posting this here, it just helps to let it out. I realize I haven't been 100% true and don't need that pointed out, I am fully and painfully aware of that fact. If that is your comment please refrain from posting and keep it to yourself.
ishmaiel Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Your kids will be more messed up by staying in the current environment. While the notion that a divorce is hard on kids is true, it can be even harder for them (both now, and in the long term, when they start to live out their own relationship patterns) to observe their parents in an unhealthy and unhappy dynamic. If the behaviour of your wife is unacceptable to you and your kids, tell her. Let her know that you, and your kids, need more. Make it clear that everyone's happiness, and ultimately the marriage, depends on such changes. With respect to recapturing the dynamic of dating: you can't. Not because of your situation, but in general. Two people (or one person) simply cannot turn the clock back and be like they were 10+ years ago. You are different people now and your dynamic cannot be the same. This isn't to say that you can't improve your dynamic. Of course you can - everyone can. Think about moving forward into a new (better, happier) way of being, rather than moving back. Instead of trying to find a way to an old happiness, seek out a new one.
OENN Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 I know what you say is true. I would have no idea what to do with the kids during the day, and she has always said she will never give up the kids. But she also said all these years she could never imagine being with another man. I can't afford daycare, I barely make it by now. I just don't know what to do.
Bitterman24/7 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Maybe this is the better forum area to post this... My wife of eleven plus years brought up last weekend that we should open up our marriage, maybe get divorced and still live together. She has recently started a new job, her first serious job ever. She works the night shift and I have come to realize a lot of things go on there that would be unacceptable at most jobs. We were each others first (I am at this point having trouble believing her though). We dated a long time before we even kissed, good christian kids. Now here is what I am really having a problem with. I feel I can't say no because I haven't been 100% faithful during our marriage, I hooked up one with a childhood sweetheart. I feel it would be hypocritical to say no. She doesn't know and I will keep that secret to my grave. If she wanted to cheat why not just do it, don't ask my permission for your behavior. And the rabbit hole goes deeper. I love her, I think, or is it just familiarity and fear of the unknown without her? I am almost 100% sure that my life personally would be better without her. But we have three kids, I refuse to mess them up, shipping them back and forth tearing them apart. Since she started her job, I don't even know her anymore. She told me yesterday that she is doing everything she can to sexually harass the guys there, what the hell does that mean? She used to get mad at me if a girl looked my direction too long. This is just too much change for me too fast. She works in a factory and she burned her hand on her brazing torch a couple days ago because she was checking out another woman's butt. How am I supposed to respond to that? I know above I said I think I love her, but at the same time I hate her. I have put my everything into this marriage all these years, minus one big screw up. I have work up to 4 jobs at a time to keep our family afloat and so she could be a stay at home mom. One would think that would include keeping the house decent, cooking meals, doing laundry, etc. No apparently in our case it meant sleeping in, playing on the computer and ignoring the kids and the messes they were making, then lying to me when I get home and saying it just happened. My oldest son is always complaining to me the his mother does nothing but sleep and play the computer. I know it is true, but I don't know what to do about it. She says we were happier when we were just dating and we should go back to that. Maybe we were, but we are 11.5 years past that point and it can't be recaptured. I could complain so much more, but won't. I realize I am not the best husband, I have trouble giving compliments, I see the negative in ever situation, I don't take compliments very well, I hate myself because of things that happened to me in the past. I don't know really what I hope to get from posting this here, it just helps to let it out. I realize I haven't been 100% true and don't need that pointed out, I am fully and painfully aware of that fact. If that is your comment please refrain from posting and keep it to yourself. You didn't even tell her you cheated on her so how will you expect your marriage to heal in the first place?
jenifer1972 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 She's doing the classic 180 that so many people do who grew up too religiously repressed by their parents, and settled on one partner too soon in life. She is really acting out, I think. What is with the lesbian comment from her? I think she is really trying to yank your chain. When people this far into a traditional monogamous marriage start talking about opening it up I think the end is near. She even mentioned divorce. I think she wants to emotionally and physically check out of the marriage, but still wants the comfort of the intact household. I wouldn't let her "cake eat".
twisted&alone Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 ... She is really acting out, I think. What is with the lesbian comment from her? I think she is really trying to yank your chain. When people this far into a traditional monogamous marriage start talking about opening it up I think the end is near. She even mentioned divorce. I think she wants to emotionally and physically check out of the marriage, but still wants the comfort of the intact household. I wouldn't let her "cake eat". I believe Jennifer is right she is yanking your chain and is saying things to get you going...she doesn't want to say it's over because she still wants the security; after all you are what each other knows. She is probably thinking the same thing you are about daycare and everything else that goes into splitting a household. I would look into your state programs; I know a friend of mine who receives a discounted rate on daycare expense and think of family and friends who may help. For yourself: talk to someone and find out what you are dealing with inside....the issues you have repressed or denied all these years. I would also not think she doesn't know about your past...she may not have proof but believe me often our spouse knows us better than we do...she may "know."
karnak Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I believe Jennifer is right she is yanking your chain and is saying things to get you going...she doesn't want to say it's over because she still wants the security; after all you are what each other knows. She is probably thinking the same thing you are about daycare and everything else that goes into splitting a household. I would look into your state programs; I know a friend of mine who receives a discounted rate on daycare expense and think of family and friends who may help. For yourself: talk to someone and find out what you are dealing with inside....the issues you have repressed or denied all these years. I would also not think she doesn't know about your past...she may not have proof but believe me often our spouse knows us better than we do...she may "know." Yep... it seems your wife is trying to force you into taking an action to end the marriage. And she probably suspects of your affair. Women are way more sensistive than we usually think. Your marriage is in shambles, anyway. You don't even respect your wife enough to confess your affair. You're living a fraud.
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