Affair aftermath

[blizzard]

We have been seperated for over a year now, and looks like there isn't any hope for us. Every time we fight he brings up my affair that I had months later after we seperated. From snooping and spying he discovered the affair. He emailed the BS anonymously. The MM chose the wife and ended our relationship. This was three months ago. I haven't admitted to the affair because I am affraid that he could hurt me in court when divorcing. But we both "know" it happened. And he knows the outcome of how things went.

 

He really never mentions our problems or the affair. Only when we fight. He takes low blows at me with childish remarks about the affair and how it ended which hurts nonetheless. We are still living under the same roof because of our children. But we can't get past any of this. I start counseling soon. I mentioned that he should get help but he won't. He gets more short tempered when he isn't diligent on refilling his anxiety/depression meds. And of course he sees no fault in our failing marriage. I'm done.

 

Our poor kids. I have failed them.

[JustJoe]

This looks like a no-hope situation, Bliz, but maybe if you both were to admit mistakes you could get past this separation. He definitely needs to focus on the reasons behind the split, but you need to own up to the A and stop blaming him for being upset about it. You are as much to blame as he is.

[habs53]

We have been seperated for over a year now, and looks like there isn't any hope for us. Every time we fight he brings up my affair that I had months later after we seperated. From snooping and spying he discovered the affair. He emailed the BS anonymously. The MM chose the wife and ended our relationship. This was three months ago. I haven't admitted to the affair because I am affraid that he could hurt me in court when divorcing. But we both "know" it happened. And he knows the outcome of how things went.

 

He really never mentions our problems or the affair. Only when we fight. He takes low blows at me with childish remarks about the affair and how it ended which hurts nonetheless. We are still living under the same roof because of our children. But we can't get past any of this. I start counseling soon. I mentioned that he should get help but he won't. He gets more short tempered when he isn't diligent on refilling his anxiety/depression meds. And of course he sees no fault in our failing marriage. I'm done.

 

Our poor kids. I have failed them.

 

You are interested in maybe taking another try? Trust is a very hard thing to return. If meds work for him, so be it. You hurt him badly.

[spriggig]

...I haven't admitted to the affair because I am afraid that he could hurt me in court when divorcing. But we both "know" it happened. And he knows the outcome of how things went...

 

You've retreated behind your wall and you're protecting your own interests. You were done with this marriage when you separated. This is not a loving relationship built on trust and mutual understanding.

 

Staying together for the kids is a bad idea. The kids will see right through this and wonder why you don't divorce.

 

You either tear down the wall and make an honest, full effort to reconcile, sacrificing your personal interests in a possible divorce, or you file for divorce.

[Bitterman24/7]

We have been seperated for over a year now, and looks like there isn't any hope for us. Every time we fight he brings up my affair that I had months later after we seperated. From snooping and spying he discovered the affair. He emailed the BS anonymously. The MM chose the wife and ended our relationship. This was three months ago. I haven't admitted to the affair because I am affraid that he could hurt me in court when divorcing. But we both "know" it happened. And he knows the outcome of how things went.

 

He really never mentions our problems or the affair. Only when we fight. He takes low blows at me with childish remarks about the affair and how it ended which hurts nonetheless. We are still living under the same roof because of our children. But we can't get past any of this. I start counseling soon. I mentioned that he should get help but he won't. He gets more short tempered when he isn't diligent on refilling his anxiety/depression meds. And of course he sees no fault in our failing marriage. I'm done.

 

Our poor kids. I have failed them.

 

Of course he brings it up. From the information you presented to us it seems like it was not long ago and his wounds are still fresh. You say that you are afraid of what will happen in court, well I highly doubt that. Since the judicial system is biased and women always get primary custody and other money if they request it, and you if live in a no-fault state, it doesn't matter if you cheated on your BH. You left the marriage when you decided to mess with OM. You need to own up to your A first then deal with the marriage issues later.

 

One of you should probably leave the house since he can't get along with you (I don't blame him).

[habs53]

Of course he brings it up. From the information you presented to us it seems like it was not long ago and his wounds are still fresh. You say that you are afraid of what will happen in court, well I highly doubt that. Since the judicial system is biased and women always get primary custody and other money if they request it, and you if live in a no-fault state, it doesn't matter if you cheated on your BH. You left the marriage when you decided to mess with OM. You need to own up to your A first then deal with the marriage issues later.

 

One of you should probably leave the house since he can't get along with you (I don't blame him).

Your living in the past. Any woman now adays that thinks they are going to get automatic custody of the kids is dreaming. Courts are not biased anymore. Only 10 percent of men actually fight for there kids. Thats because the rest believe that bull crap bias stuff. 80 percent of those men win. Thats a fact. If i was her, i would be prepared to lose the kids if he fights her. Which he should.

[Bitterman24/7]

Your living in the past. Any woman now adays that thinks they are going to get automatic custody of the kids is dreaming. Courts are not biased anymore. Only 10 percent of men actually fight for there kids. Thats because the rest believe that bull crap bias stuff. 80 percent of those men win. Thats a fact. If i was her, i would be prepared to lose the kids if he fights her. Which he should.

 

No you're living in the past. The courts are still biased against those men who have jobs. The only reason why more men are getting their kids is because they stay at home, and also because more women are entering the workforce. About 90 percent of women who file for full custody actually receive it (regardless if they are unemployed or not), and other money from their husband such as alimony, child support, etc. That's a fact. If I was him, I would be getting my finances straight and knowing my rights before I file and be prepared to lose the kids if he fights her.

[zippy's login]

No you're living in the past. The courts are still biased against those men who have jobs. The only reason why more men are getting their kids is because they stay at home, and also because more women are entering the workforce. About 90 percent of women who file for full custody actually receive it (regardless if they are unemployed or not), and other money from their husband such as alimony, child support, etc. That's a fact. If I was him, I would be getting my finances straight and knowing my rights before I file and be prepared to lose the kids if he fights her.

 

I disagree. I think the courts now realize that full custody of the children is not in the best interest of the children and will push to some form of shared custody. If the stbx has not worked or made significantly less then be prepared to: 1) pay child support and 2) some form of alimony.

 

As for myself, I have a 3/1 time split with me having primary custody so it can be done.

[Bitterman24/7]

I disagree. I think the courts now realize that full custody of the children is not in the best interest of the children and will push to some form of shared custody. If the stbx has not worked or made significantly less then be prepared to: 1) pay child support and 2) some form of alimony.

 

As for myself, I have a 3/1 time split with me having primary custody so it can be done.

 

Disagree. Most courts still will rule in favor of women, and they will mostly receive primary custody. Even if that is true, the BH still needs to be prepared to cough up a major amount of money.

[habs53]

No you're living in the past. The courts are still biased against those men who have jobs. The only reason why more men are getting their kids is because they stay at home, and also because more women are entering the workforce. About 90 percent of women who file for full custody actually receive it (regardless if they are unemployed or not), and other money from their husband such as alimony, child support, etc. That's a fact. If I was him, I would be getting my finances straight and knowing my rights before I file and be prepared to lose the kids if he fights her.

I think you had better go do some research. Just ask my neighbor who just got custody of his 3 kids after his cheating wife left. My lawyer also told me that he feels my wife will regret leaving as well. Its 50/50 going into the courthouse now. When i say fact i mean it, not making it up.

[Bitterman24/7]

I think you had better go do some research. Just ask my neighbor who just got custody of his 3 kids after his cheating wife left. My lawyer also told me that he feels my wife will regret leaving as well. Its 50/50 going into the courthouse now. When i say fact i mean it, not making it up.

 

I think you need to do more research. The courts are still biased against men and your neighbor is just one case out of millions. Its not 50/50 in every courthouse and when I say fact I mean it.

[habs53]

I think you need to do more research. The courts are still biased against men and your neighbor is just one case out of millions. Its not 50/50 in every courthouse and when I say fact I mean it.

Im not going to argue with you like a child. I get my facts from statistics Canada. US statistics shows the same thing. Thats as facts as facts can get. I believe Gunny posted the same as i a while back. What you say is only your opinion unless you back it up. Dont go tell someone to do more research when you have done none yourself. Keep in mind, the man has to fight for custody. 9/10 they do not.

Edited August 11, 2010 by habs53

[Bitterman24/7]

Im not going to argue with you like a child. I get my facts from statistics Canada. US statistics shows the same thing. Thats as facts as facts can get. I believe Gunny posted the same as i a while back. What you say is only your opinion unless you back it up. Dont go tell someone to do more research when you have done none yourself. Keep in mind, the man has to fight for custody. 9/10 they do not.

 

You get your statistics from Canada? Please go somewhere else with that. Canada statistics are obviously not the same as U.S. I did my research and what i'm saying is true. If you are cranky, go to sleep, because you aren't hurting nobody with those petty insults.

[habs53]

You get your statistics from Canada? Please go somewhere else with that. Canada statistics are obviously not the same as U.S. I did my research and what i'm saying is true. If you are cranky, go to sleep, because you aren't hurting nobody with those petty insults.

Im not cranky, and yes they are the same as the US. Anyways, believe what you want. lol

[Bitterman24/7]

Im not cranky, and yes they are the same as the US. Anyways, believe what you want. lol

 

No, they are not. But thank you, I will believe what I want because it is the truth.lol:D

[seibert253]

Blizzard. You probably don't want to hear this but you need to.

 

You husband was depressed his M and life was falling apart. The reasons really don't matter. Each of you were responsible for 50percent of the problems within your marriage.

 

Now, you compounded the issue by having an A a few months after your "seperation". I'm sorry, but you can't really be seperated and live under the same roof.

 

As with most WS's I'm sure you blamed YOUR AFFAIR, on your H. He didn't do this or that, blah, blah, blah. Really, it doesn't matter. THE AFFAIR WAS YOUR CHOICE. He found out, he helped it destruct, now your mad at him. If you deny this then you are only lying to yourself.

 

Enough of that, now how do you fix this. 1st, do you want to fix it, or do you want to cut your losses and move on? Without much counceling for both of you, it will never work. Period.

If your M is done, which IMO it is, then one of you needs to go. Your home is a dysfunctional mess. Is that the proper atmosphere for your children to be in.

A wise man once said, it's better to be from a broken home than to live in one.

 

Good Luck to you.

[Steadfast]

 

No, they are not. But thank you, I will believe what I want because it is the truth. lol

 

 

Most men fold up, give up or give in looking for drama or sympathy. The courts have little to do with that. If you hire an attorney (less and less people are doing that, you can fill out a divorce decree online) or simply state joint custody is desired, there's a better than average chance you'll get it. Even the courts (screwed up as they are) realize that children need both parents. Besides, parents who don't see their kids have a tendency to not pay their child support. And that, no question, will get the court's attention.

 

The trick, it would seem, is getting both involved after the divorce. One parent will always hold the position of custodian. CS usually goes there.

 

Blizzard, you've got to somehow stop the wave of emotions and get to some level ground. You don't stir paint when the house is on fire, or break out the bubbly when the ship's sinking, you get to the root of the problem and address that first. The problems that existed in the marriage before the affair are still present, manifested and made worse by your very poor decisions. The affair (I think you know) is on you. Put yourself in his position; how would you feel if he chose to do that?

 

It is obvious that you have zero attraction for him, which I'm guessing, is why you had the affair to begin with. If it isn't too late, my advice is to get into MC and stop the bleeding. If you replace the selfishness with care and the anger with love, you may be surprised at his reaction. But, because you cheated, know that you'll have to bend. If he chooses to stay in the marriage, allow him the room to work out the pain and betrayal. This will take love...real love. Do you have it? Is it in you? If you do this and apply yourself completely, it could work. If you do this and he can't get past the affair, then you tried. The consequences of your actions and his, will then follow. When they do, be strong enough to shield if from the kids.

 

Hoping for all the best and the saving of your family-

Edited August 12, 2010 by Steadfast

[Bitterman24/7]

Most men fold up, give up or give in looking for drama or sympathy. The courts have little to do with that. If you hire an attorney (less and less people are doing that, you can fill out a divorce decree online) or simply state joint custody is desired, there's a better than average chance you'll get it. Even the courts (screwed up as they are) realize that children need both parents. Besides, parents who don't see their kids have a tendency to not pay their child support. And that, no question, will get the court's attention.

 

The trick, it would seem, is getting both involved after the divorce. One parent will always hold the position of custodian. CS usually goes there.

 

Blizzard, you've got to somehow stop the wave of emotions and get to some level ground. You don't stir paint when the house is on fire, or break out the bubbly when the ship's sinking, you get to the root of the problem and address that first. The problems that existed in the marriage before the affair are still present, manifested and made worse by your very poor decisions. The affair (I think you know) is on you. Put yourself in his position; how would you feel if he chose to do that?

 

It is obvious that you have zero attraction for him, which I'm guessing, is why you had the affair to begin with. If it isn't too late, my advice is to get into MC and stop the bleeding. If you replace the selfishness with care and the anger with love, you may be surprised at his reaction. But, because you cheated, know that you'll have to bend. If he chooses to stay in the marriage, allow him the room to work out the pain and betrayal. This will take love...real love. Do you have it? Is it in you? If you do this and apply yourself completely, it could work. If you do this and he can't get past the affair, then you tried. The consequences of your actions and his, will then follow. When they do, be strong enough to shield if from the kids.

 

Hoping for all the best and the saving of your family-

 

It seems as though she may not want to bend. It seems like he tries to deal with the pain all by himself until they get into an argument. She should let him know that she is sorry and let him vent his resentment instead of trying to work on the marriage issues. They should deal with those later. Right now she should bend her back for him since the affair was not long ago. Personally I would be glad if a divorce was the conclusion but if she's willing to work really hard in helping him heal with his pain, then he might pull through, but if he doesn't, lesson learned. If she continues to go counseling, then he might be encouraged.

[blizzard]

Thank you for all of your hopes and wishes...it means a great deal to me. And all of you have said bits and pieces that remain true. Yeah, I was done with the marriage when we seperated. I had the affair after we decided divorce. And it was wrong. I can't say that I blamed him for the affair. I think I truly just felt we were over. I was resentful. I didn't care about us anymore. Doing the dishes wasn't going to fix us...he wouldn't hear me. And all the while he suspected an affair, he was busy having his own fun. He was texting two women constantly. I read several of the texts so I know he was up to no good. Not to mention, you don't text women all day if their wasn't something going on. When he discovered I knew, he locked his phone and changed the password to our account. So, I accuse him of having double standards. He blows up and says he hasn't done what I did. And that there is nothing wrong with what he does. grrr.

 

I am fine that he is on medication. I have always said that he needed it. But I don't think it is fair that he becomes short tempered with an alternate personality because he failed to get his meds refilled. You can't just stop taking anti-anxiety/dep. meds for over a week cold turkey without moody side affects.

Yep, I did add fuel to the fire with the affair. My big regretted mistake. But what gives? He refuses to communicate with me about it unless it is an argument. He should tell me where we stand. Where do we go from here. I will not stand by while he immaturely tells me to go live with my "boyfriend." Or belittles me by saying "you were dumped..." He said a month ago point blank...I don't like arguing, so lets just bury the hatchet. huh!? I don't want to bury it. And I am pissed that he can.

 

He refuses to leave our home. I can't leave. I am unemployed but actively looking for work. And because I love my kids...I have been a sahm for several years and they depend on me. I have no where to take them and I refuse to leave them.

He said that he could live seperated under the roof forever if it meant keeping us together as family. It's a bad situation...

 

I am just ready to move past this. My husband and I are both so very different in every aspect. It's noticeable. He has eroded my self confidence and independence since the day we met. Now I am empty. Picking up the pieces of trying to find me again. To get that inner happiness back. I hope to someday find someone that will respect me as an equal and love me inside and out. A someone that doesn't feel that physical affection is a sign of weakness. A tender special someone that can love my family. If that day ever comes. I long for him later down the road. Wishful...but doubting he will happen.

Edited August 17, 2010 by blizzard

[Chrome Barracuda]

STOP PINING FOR THIS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR CRAP! that's what got you in trouble in the first place!

 

Your husband probably does have issues but cheating on him does not make it better. He's very upset! I mean he's in the anger phase. If you cant stand him when he makes snide comments just tell him, i dont like you disrespecting me and leave the room.

 

He's angry his wife is screwing another man! or was!

 

The fact remains as long as you are married, you cant be separated in the same house, either you all in or all out.

 

And yes you want a better life but you still havent owned up to your mistakes, he had to find out about the affair, you wasnt a real woman and confessed your indiscretions, even now you want out and spit in his face figuratively, you both do. but in the end. You have a choice. Either you recomit or you leave. aint no half way in half way out.

 

I think you husband is going through an anger phase. I would be angry too.

 

Affairs dont help anything... wish you well...

[Gfkr2]

We have been seperated for over a year now, and looks like there isn't any hope for us. Every time we fight he brings up my affair that I had months later after we seperated. From snooping and spying he discovered the affair. He emailed the BS anonymously. The MM chose the wife and ended our relationship. This was three months ago. I haven't admitted to the affair because I am affraid that he could hurt me in court when divorcing. But we both "know" it happened. And he knows the outcome of how things went.

 

He really never mentions our problems or the affair. Only when we fight. He takes low blows at me with childish remarks about the affair and how it ended which hurts nonetheless. We are still living under the same roof because of our children. But we can't get past any of this. I start counseling soon. I mentioned that he should get help but he won't. He gets more short tempered when he isn't diligent on refilling his anxiety/depression meds. And of course he sees no fault in our failing marriage. I'm done.

 

Our poor kids. I have failed them.

 

The reactions of your BH to discovering your infidelity are "normal" including the snooping, and playing detective. It is what happens when someone has been betrayed.

 

I did the same thing and emailed the OM's wife too. You have to expect after betrayal your necktie to be snapped by your H...it happens.

 

The BS does have fault to marital problems, but only you opened the door to an A and THAT is what is causing your M to fail. Of course, he does't want counselling and refuses to admit fault. Yup, I did the exact same thing when my BW tried and failed to blame be for her having an A. Once again, your H behavior is normal by my accounts.

 

I am sorry but your M sounds OVER. You need to prepare for the next phase in your life which likely includes divorce.

[Darth Vader]

The reactions of your BH to discovering your infidelity are "normal" including the snooping, and playing detective. It is what happens when someone has been betrayed.

 

I did the same thing and emailed the OM's wife too. You have to expect after betrayal your necktie to be snapped by your H...it happens.

 

The BS does have fault to marital problems, but only you opened the door to an A and THAT is what is causing your M to fail. Of course, he does't want counselling and refuses to admit fault. Yup, I did the exact same thing when my BW tried and failed to blame be for her having an A. Once again, your H behavior is normal by my accounts.

 

I am sorry but your M sounds OVER. You need to prepare for the next phase in your life which likely includes divorce.

 

Your husband is doing the WORSE thing that he can (perhaps out of Revenge) by texting and having an Emotional affair with these two women, or more. He knows that's hurting you. Because an Emotional affair hurts a woman the way a Physical affair hurts a man! You ripped your husband apart, now he's ripping you apart (intentionally) to make you feel the way he is, He's dying inside, and you did it to him, and you can't make it up at all in any way! Now he wants you to die inside. To feel what he's feeling. He's striking back against you to reclaim his dignity and self worth, that explain the other girls he texting, it's wrong, but that's what he's doing! Your affair wasn't a mistake, it was intentional! Do you see where I'm going with this? Since you didn't come clean and he found out on his own how much you humiliated and disrespected him as well as put him at risk for STD's, Your marriage is over!

 

Did he start texting these women before the affair, or after he found out? How long do you think he knew about you Riding your OM, before he started texting these women?

[spriggig]

Thank you for all of your hopes and wishes...it means a great deal to me. And all of you have said bits and pieces that remain true. Yeah, I was done with the marriage when we seperated. I had the affair after we decided divorce. And it was wrong. I can't say that I blamed him for the affair...

 

...and then you go on to all but directly blame him for your affair.

 

Your marriage is over, I fear.

 

It would be best for you to stop rationalizing your affair and accept full responsibility for your adultery--without blaming him in defense. That's the only way you'll get past the guilt. If you don't deal with the guilt, it will follow you around and right into your next relationship.