I don't know what to think anymore

[OEN]

My wife of eleven plus years brought up last weekend that we should open up our marriage, maybe get divorced and still live together. She has recently started a new job, her first serious job ever. She works the night shift and I have come to realize a lot of things go on there that would be unacceptable at most jobs.

 

We were each others first (I am at this point having trouble believing her though). We dated a long time before we even kissed, good christian kids.

 

Now here is what I am really having a problem with. I feel I can't say no because I haven't been 100% faithful during our marriage, I hooked up one with a childhood sweetheart. I feel it would be hypocritical to say no. She doesn't know and I will keep that secret to my grave. If she wanted to cheat why not just do it, don't ask my permission for your behavior.

 

And the rabbit hole goes deeper. I love her, I think, or is it just familiarity and fear of the unknown without her? I am almost 100% sure that my life personally would be better without her. But we have three kids, I refuse to mess them up, shipping them back and forth tearing them apart.

 

Since she started her job, I don't even know her anymore. She told me yesterday that she is doing everything she can to sexually harass the guys there, what the hell does that mean? She used to get mad at me if a girl looked my direction too long. This is just too much change for me too fast. She works in a factory and she burned her hand on her brazing torch a couple days ago because she was checking out another woman's butt. How am I supposed to respond to that?

 

I know above I said I think I love her, but at the same time I hate her. I have put my everything into this marriage all these years. I have work up to 4 jobs at a time to keep our family afloat and so she could be a stay at home mom. One would think that would include keeping the house decent, cooking meals, doing laundry, etc. No apparently in our case it meant sleeping in, playing on the computer and ignoring the kids and the messes they were making, then lying to me when I get home and saying it just happened. My oldest son is always complaining to me the his mother does nothing but sleep and play the computer. I know it is true, but I don't know what to do about it.

 

She says we were happier when we were just dating and we should go back to that. Maybe we were, but we are 11.5 years past that point and it can't be recaptured.

 

I could complain so much more, but won't. I realize I am not the best husband, I have trouble giving compliments, I see the negative in ever situation, I don't take compliments very well, I hate myself because of things that happened to me in the past.

 

I don't know really what I hope to get from posting this here, it just helps to let it out.

[You Go Girl]

Oh wow. full blown MID LIFE CRISIS.

 

Your wife is going to do a whole bunch of really stupid stuff, and there's no checks and balances. She's thrown them right out the window. Self-sabotage, marital suicide, call it whatever you can to get through to her.

 

If she is religious, get her to a pastor ASAP because she is about to make mistakes she will always regret. I don't know who else might be able to shake some sense into her. Her mother perhaps? If it gets desperate...talk to whomever you need to, just don't try to hide it from friends and family, nor sweep it under the rug.

If there's any chance, she's going to have to quit that job. Sounds like she has already created a reputation there. She will need to leave these people behind her forever.

You may not be able to stop this train wreck. If it gets worse, start posting on the divorce board.

Ask her if she knows what a train wreck is. Tell her she's on one in a calm voice, looking her in the eyes.

It sounds, with the computer games and not cleaning or whatever while she was at home, that she's never had good boundaries with her own behavior and setting limits and self-control. All that points to that she may well go nutso now that she is out "playing" in the adult world.

All this will bite her in the arse, and severely.

[hopesndreams]

You should have came clean about your A.

 

Let her go. You can't even say you love her without choking on it.

 

I have put my everything into this marriage all these years.

 

No you haven't. But, hey, if telling yourself this, and believing it, helps you feel less guilty, go right ahead.

[OEN]

Your right, I was young and stupid, we are in our 30's now. I did state incorrectly I have put my all into it all these years, but when you never get anything back from you efforts anyone can stumble.

 

I have no illusions that I am pure as the wind driven snow and I in no way don't deserve this, I probably do.

 

Thank you for your moral superiority, I am sure the world is a better place because of it.

Edited August 11, 2010 by OEN

[OEN]

Coming clean about it would accomplish nothing, she told me she wouldn't care if I did, as long as I learned something new for in bed. I will continue to hold that information secret not for my sake but to protect the other. She doesn't want it out and I respect that.

 

I was kinda hoping to get some help here not be critiqued on my past. I know my wrongs, they haunt me constantly.

[hopesndreams]

good christian kids.

 

Are you a good Christian adult? If you are, than as such, you should be striving to do what's right. It's never too late.

 

Forgiveness and true remorse. With those 2 qualities, anything in life can be conquered.

[OEN]

Not we aren't good christian adults, more agnostic at this point.

 

She is treating this like a game. I have tried to have serious heart to heart conversations about this, she is making jokes and laughing. My heart is being ripped out and she is having fun. This is just too much change way to fast for me.

 

How can there be forgiveness and true remorse when she doesn't even care? If I told her she would congratulate me.

[hopesndreams]

How can there be forgiveness and true remorse when she doesn't even care? If I told her she would congratulate me.

 

Forgiving yourself and being remorseful, is for you. What she chooses to do about it, is up to her.

 

It's imperative you deal with your past and learn from it.

 

The best predicator of future behavior is past behavior.

[maybebaby]

Yup, I gotta say that the assessment of it being a mid-life-crisis (regardless of actual age) seems like a good one to me. I think, based on my life experiences, that those who were really "good" kids are more likely later on to have those kinds of things come up later on when they for the first time ever learn how to misbehave and rebel against what they should do.

 

In my opinion the only way for her to get past it is to be forced to grow up. In your situation I would ask for a separation at least for awhile. Let her work, pay her own bills, try to keep her house in order, have the kids at least 50% of the time, and do all the other things we all fit into a day, by herself. Once she realizes that going to work, getting kids to school, paying bills, and doing the laundry will always need more energy than she wants to give up she will have to find a balance. The question will then be do you want her anymore after she's taken the time to realize that, only time will tell. Maybe once she's on her own you can "date her" but even then don't make her life easier so she has more energy to act that way. Just take it as a chance to spend an evening or two a week talking to her over dinner and finding out what she thinks about life and who she is becoming and figure out if that's a road you want to continue down.

 

You ****ed up and I think bringing it up right now will only upset her more and giver her justification for the way she's acting. Don't just have an open marriage and live like nothing is wrong, that will just enable her self destructive behaviors and be bad for everyone in the long run. The only way to stop behaving like a child is to grow up and realize that's how children behave and that you don't want to do that anymore.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Time for divorce, no one would blame you, your wife sounds like she has no morals or scruples, or even knows how to be faithful.

 

She's showing you her true colors, maybe she was always hiding she was a whore. Mid life crisis or not. When she comes back with a major std that wont go away are you gonna catch it too?

 

You cant save her or the marriage. it's time to go. Get down to a divorce attourney and file and go dark on the chick, let her ruin her life without you in it, then she will learn. And you will be better to your next woman in your next relationship. and possibly find someone who aint so crazy.

[GorillaTheater]

Oh wow. full blown MID LIFE CRISIS.

 

I tend to agree. And if that's true, gird up your loins because you are about to embark on the roller coaster ride from hell.

 

You screwed up, and significantly you acknowlege that you screwed up. "Significant" in that if this is indeed an MLC, which in my book is like a sudden onset of something like narcissistic personality disorder, you will NOT be able to convince your wife that she's screwing up. Nobody will be able to. She will have to hit rock bottom before she starts to get it, and it will likely take years. For now she's a hurricane of destruction, and the best thing you can do is remove yourself from its path.

 

Protect yourself and the kids. I'd recommend filing for divorce at this point. I don't think you're ready to hear that yet, so at a minimum separate your finances and cancel joint credit cards. MLC women spend like the federal government. Draw some hard boundaries with consequences. Detach emotionally. You need to do this to protect yourself, because if you're not very careful you are going to be sucked into this maelstrom and be ripped apart.

 

Check out this link:

 

http://www.pathpartners.com/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=gkncejrddrkch5t97kpsspan13&board=3.0

 

It's for men with wives in MLC. I think you'll find some very helpful info there. The very interesting thing about MLC women is that they tend to follow similar paths and use similar scripts.

 

Good luck.

[OENN]

This is OEN, it won't let me log in for some reason.

 

Anyway, thanks for you comments. I actually am ready for divorce, have been for years. I just don't want the kids to have to be emotionally scarred by all this stupidity.

 

I realize this is one of those pivotal life moments that will effect the rest of my/our life(s). It always seems like I choose the wrong path and I don't want to do that here.

[GorillaTheater]

I actually am ready for divorce, have been for years.

 

Gotta ask about this. The job seems like a pretty recent development, but you've been ready to divorce for years? Why?

[OENN]

Gotta ask about this. The job seems like a pretty recent development, but you've been ready to divorce for years? Why?

The general disregard for her responsibilities in our marriage over the years. For example our current situation: We both work 40 hours a week, albeit my job is easier I went to college got a degree which I begged her to do many times. I get home as she is leaving for work, the house is a wreck, the kids haven't been fed except what the make themselves. I come home, don't get to relax any, make dinner for the kids, do laundry, clean, often do the dishes (even though it makes me breakout on my hands, it has to be done though, even gloves don't stop all the breakouts). She sleeps all day until about 3 or 4 pm (she works all night long until 4:30 am then stays up til almost 7), the kids have no supervision during the day. My oldest is 9, he does a pretty good job, but it is asking way too much of him.

 

This whole situation is spiraling out of control. I am not even making sense anymore.

 

I guess this is the straw that broke the camels back, except it isn't a piece of straw it is a ten ton concrete block.

Edited August 11, 2010 by OENN

[GorillaTheater]

Okay, fine. Yes, get a divorce because this crap is going to get alot worse.

 

But protect your kids. They basically fend for themselves all day long and the oldest is only 9?? Holy crap, dude, you have to fix that ASAP. Find somebody to watch them during the day.

[You Go Girl]

Well, your family hasn't had healthy self-control nor sexual boundaries. Your marriage doesn't have the foundation to survive this very well. There is one thing, rather, 3 of them? that could save this marriage--those kids are more important than any instant gratification either of you have ever sought.

It is time to think of them. Ask her about that.

[maybebaby]

Well if you are already ready for a divorce and she is acting this way then it's time to move forward. Don't stay for the kids, you won't be doing them any favors to keep them in a household where everyone is unhappy or by enabling their mothers behavior. If you're really worried about them suggest you take primary custody but also try to make sure she stays involved and doesn't just take this as a license to forget she has children.

[OENN]

It is just hard to commit to that necessary step.

[maybebaby]

Yup, divorce suck, it's painful, it's scary, it's daunting, it's stressful, and it is just plain awful. But there is life after it and in my experience the life after it can be amazing. So if you've wanted out for years and she is so clearly unhappy as well it's time to do what you want to do in your hearts. No one should stay in an unhappy place "for the kids".

 

Find out if she would like to file jointly for divorce or if you should file yourself. Either way the forms are available online or at your local courthouse. Someone needs to move out and you need to work on that paperwork to finish this stuff up. It's going to be stressful and painful for awhile but once it's done you will find a new normal and it just might be better than the normal of spending years wanting out of your marriage.

[InceptorsRule]

OENN,

 

when people like your wife get new jobs and suddenly start suggesting opening up the marriage it's because it's already been opened up, by her, only you haven't got the memo yet.

 

THERE IS NO DOUBT that she is ALREADY SCREWING other guy(s) at her job.

 

NO DOUBT.

 

Is she still even having sex with you? Typically broads like your wife cut hubby off and give it away to randoms.

 

I'd get STD tested just to be safe and lawyer up.

 

Your marriage is finished. No saving it. At least she has a job so child support/alimony won't be so bad.

[seibert253]

Have to agree with Inceptor.

 

I think if you do some investigating, you'll find the real reason behind her changes. All this started when she got her job? I'd bet the farm there's someone she's working with that's more than a co-worker.

 

But it may not have gotten that far. At the very least, she's probably getting alot of attention from her mail coworkers which feeds her ego and makes her all giddy inside. Thus she wants to explore and hence the "open marriage" thing.

 

If you agree or allow this your M is done. IMO you need to stand firm and tell her that an open M is out of the question. Let her know she has a choice, explore her "singleness" which begins with a divorce, or commit to repairing your M. If she wants to stay, IMO the first thing that needs to happen is she quits her job. Non negotiable. This job is a cancer on your M. The long she stays there, the more likely your M if finished.