cxgirl Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 (edited) This could be long, I am sorry, I just don't know who to talk to anymore...I am 23, my bf is 26. Our relationship has certainly been a rocky one. In the beginning, he was into drug use (cocaine, extacy which I don't use, strip clubs(during breakups) and heavy partying on his part). In the beginning I was able to look past the drug use, but gradually it started getting out of hand, as well as his anger issues and verbal abuse got progessivley worse. Strangley I was able to look past it...I have a wonderful job, a successful and loving family, and they just couldn't see what I saw in him when things got bad. Every time there was a fight, he packed up his things from my place and left..sometimes it took a day for him to come around sometimes two, and the final straw when I really thought I was strong enough to end it lasted five weeks. He has made me so many promises to stop the drugs, and I believed him, and in the end I just decided not to go out with his friends anymore because it was always around, this upset him. His sister even told me he continued to use but denied it like we were both crazy. That really isn't the issue here though.. I realise if he's going to stop it needs to be on his terms, that is why I distanced myself from his nights out. When it's good, he makes me feel like I am on top of the world. I felt like I was being far too sensitive, and overanalyzing into everything he did, and if I looked past it and ignored it I could make him so happy. Well along the course of our relationship, his verbal abuse has been very bad. I always went to my mother for advice and to vent, so she knew almost everything about our relationship and she didn't like it. He's called me every name in the book, and yet I still loved him and somehow believed every lie he told me. We broke up in march for five weeks..and of course my family never wanted me to talk to him again. We've had fights since then, he has spit on me for making him mad, throws things at my walls, and has thrown a lit cigarette at me. (pathetic I know. How can it be that "good" to stay with someone like that)? It is now august, and my mother found out I have been seeing him again. You would think why would someone stand for this kind of treatment? And I wish I had the answer.. She gave me the ultimatum her or him a few days ago, that was hard. She also said she would tell my father who she hasn't spoken to in years, he is very strict to put me in my place. So of course I am going to choose my family, although in the late her has been trying so hard to be good and stay out of bad things (as far as I know). He would ditch me on nights in before but now, seemed to look forward to weekends together rather than always looking for the party. So...TONIGHT! His friend came in from out of town who he hasnt seen in a few years. We go for a drink with his sister and some of his buddies, and after they come back from the slots, their pupils are large and in charge and I know what that means... When we go outside, he asked for a kiss, and I leaned into him as always do, and shallowly put my hands in his pockets not thinking anything of it. He grabbed my right wrist so tight, and I asked what was going on? He kept telling me I was tripping, and I said not at all, Im just kissin ya, and tried to put them back in. So after he forced my hands out a few times I asked if he had drugs in there...he called me a crazy bat, and grabbed my wrists, twisted me and pushed me onto the concrete and into the front of a bike that was parked. I started walking home, and he called me back. He kept calling me crazy and said I was making a scene for nothing. DUH I know what was going on.. So I said if you love me tell me what's in your pockets. Finally he said..You wanna know? I have cocaine in my pocket...for my friend (who came from out of town) because his gf doesn't known he does it. lol rrrright... I went inside and waited for the night to be done so I could take him to my place, and take him to get his things. He refused to come back with me. So I went home...put all of his things in a box and left it on his front porch. His poor parents who know our volatile relationship are going to see it in the morning..but, given I have the ultimatum from my mother, and he has been caught in the "last" lie, when I've put my foot down with the cocaine. I think that's fair. I guess Im looking for some reassurance that this is the right thing, and that I deserve a better life. I have tried to leave to many times, but he is so good with words, and when its good, it really is soooo good, and I would do anything to make him happy. I felt invigorated before I dropped his things off.. now I don't know. Why on earth am I questioning that it's okay what happened tonight. That maybe he didn't mean to use force with me, and he got wrapped up in seeing a friend he used to do drugs with but hasn't in a while, and that he hasn't used in a long time like he says. I know it's irrelavent when it's not your life..but it feels so big to me. I'm sure you will all tell me I'm nuts, perhaps that's what I need to hear. Any feedback is appreciated, sry for the long post! Edited August 11, 2010 by cxgirl More to add.
cookie2 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 You're nuts to put up with that for so long! Well done on finally escaping a horrible relationship. You are worth so much more than that!! You should never speak to this guy again, read some of the NC guides on here. Put it all in the past and find someone who will treat you right.
Author cxgirl Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 Just to add- this morning he says to me in an email, I cannot even believe you did that last night. What did I do? What on earth could he be referring to? I do believe all i did was catch him in a lie...am I wrong?
Author cxgirl Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 He is telling me I made the biggest mistake and not to throw what we have away. He is denying any cocaine use last night, says im delusional and that he was just holding onto it for his buddy. I dont know why..but Im so tempted to go back to him even though I know he treats me bad sometimes he also treats me great...so confusing.
whatadeer26 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 No, you're not wrong for confronting him about the lie. He sounds like a crumb who will only hold you back and bring you down. Run away before it's too late.
torranceshipman Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 (edited) OP you were right to leave him. He has verbally and physically abused you and has a drug problem. His friends are bad news. This is making your parents sick with worry. After a few weeks without him, not only will you miss him less, but you will feel more free, more relieved, stronger, less like a victim, happy that you don't have someone else's ridiculous baggage to deal with, way more relaxed because there is now no emotional roller coaster.... Just make sure you stick to your guns - if you go back you play the victim card and you are better than that...he is also holding you back majorly in life. Sorry to say it but he is a loser, and he will drag you down and turn you into one, too, if you stay with him. All this crap he is throwing at you about why did you make a scene, why did you overreact, etc...he knows this is crap. His mind is shot because of all the coke - he is volatile and cold and just throws blame your way to manipulate you and get his way. Your BIG mistake is to feel you should answer his comments or explain himself. Why? Two reasons. Because he KNOWS you did nothing wrong. And second, he knows it drags you down immediately to his level if you start trying to explain and justify your actions to him. Edited August 11, 2010 by torranceshipman
Beeotch Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 (edited) He is telling me I made the biggest mistake and not to throw what we have away. He is denying any cocaine use last night, says im delusional and that he was just holding onto it for his buddy. I dont know why..but Im so tempted to go back to him even though I know he treats me bad sometimes he also treats me great...so confusing. That's called abuse. People who are abused often develop warped senses of reality and play rationalizing and deluding games with themselves. Being with this person is an addiction What is an addiction? "What characterizes an addiction? Quite simply this: you no longer feel that you have the choice to stop. It seems stronger than you. It also gives you a false sense of pleasure, pleasure that invariably turns into pain" Seeing that you are addicted to being with this man although you know he is no good, it is not going to be an easy thing to walk away for good. But you MUST! Consider all the things you DO WANT and how this man DOESN’T meet them. Run for the hills and enlist your friends and family to support you in staying away from him and working on yourself, undoing your mentality and going forward in a new and better direction. It will be difficult at first, as with anything, but the longer you go without him the easier it becomes and the more you realize the truth and see clearer, like detox! The initial phase of withdrawal hurts, but overtime you become healthier and happier. Edited August 11, 2010 by Beeotch
Author cxgirl Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 I'm not sure if he has an addiction problem. I believe he does it once a week or every second when he goes out with friends. I suppose some might consider that a problem. The thing for me is how does someone be in a relationship they have to lie about everything they do and not even feel any remorse? If I lied to him Id go nuts and need to confess immediately. How can all these lies not eat him alive? I'm starting to feel the "withdrawl" of leaving him...Im extremely anxious, lonely and my mind is racing. I just wish all of this would go away and I could see what is best for me because we really have amazing times together, last few weeks have been heaven without fights. I'm sorry if I sound a little nuts..I guess this whole ordeal has thrown me for a bit of a loop.
Sophia8 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 You have definitely done the right thing by walking away from him, you do not deserve to be treated like that, no one does. Imagine that your mum or a close friend of your was in this situation, what would you advice them to do?
Beeotch Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 (edited) I'm not sure if he has an addiction problem. I believe he does it once a week or every second when he goes out with friends. I suppose some might consider that a problem. The thing for me is how does someone be in a relationship they have to lie about everything they do and not even feel any remorse? If I lied to him Id go nuts and need to confess immediately. How can all these lies not eat him alive? I'm starting to feel the "withdrawl" of leaving him...Im extremely anxious, lonely and my mind is racing. I just wish all of this would go away and I could see what is best for me because we really have amazing times together, last few weeks have been heaven without fights. I'm sorry if I sound a little nuts..I guess this whole ordeal has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I meant you are addicted to this abusive relationship.... All bad relationships have moments of goodness, that doesn't mean anything. People in abusive situations live for the momentary good times so they prolong the drama and crap....it's an addiction believe it or not. You need to break free from him and see that based on what you're saying it is not worth it. GREAT men are out there, who you can have better times with, so don't hang on to a drug user who is abusive towards you. It's not worth it. Get yourself together. Something has to be up for you to have endured this....so leave him alone and go on a journey discovering yourself. He isn't the last man, he certainly ISN'T the best....and this is not love no matter what you think, but an intense relationship built on drama. Edited August 11, 2010 by Beeotch
Author cxgirl Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 I meant you are addicted to this abusive relationship.... All bad relationships have moments of goodness, that doesn't mean anything. People in abusive situations live for the momentary good times so they prolong the drama and crap....it's an addiction believe it or not. You need to break free from him and see that based on what you're saying it is not worth it. GREAT men are out there, who you can have better times with, so don't hang on to a drug user who is abusive towards you. It's not worth it. Get yourself together. Something has to be up for you to have endured this....so leave him alone and go on a journey discovering yourself. He isn't the last man, he certainly ISN'T the best....and this is not love no matter what you think, but an intense relationship built on drama. Thank you all for your comments..means alot. Yes, I am aware I am addicted to this relationship. He's trying to tell me I fell onto the concrete last night and that I am a fat crazy filthy cu** What I would like to ask you all is, now that it is clear that he lies so much to me..how does one live with themselves knowing they treated someone who would do anything for them with dishonesty and disrespect without hating themselves after words?
Author cxgirl Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Something has to be up for you to have endured this QUOTE] Beeotch- Just unsure what you mean by that?
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