joeyz Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 this is mostly just me venting but i'm open to any suggestions to fix my family problems. i'm 18 years old and living with my entire family (1 brother, mother and father along with two dogs... more about that later if you care to read). my brother is much of the cause of my day to day stress - he went to college immediately after high school but slacked off and didn't attend most of his classes in his second year until he dropped out. he didn't pay for this, my parents believe in paying for our education so i'm lucky in that regard. his grades were pretty terrible in the first semester of his second year, but my parents were giving him another shot. in the second semester, he was literally living at home while the drive to college was over an hour away (although with the way he drives, it's more like 30-45 minutes). he was eating the food at our house even though my mother was paying rent for a house along with all the food he needed. he would constantly ask for money from my dad (who believes anything anyone tells him and thinks us kids can do no wrong - it's always been like that). so he would tell my dad that he needs a new random thing because his roommate allegedly stole/broke it. this would come up every 2-3 days, something new every time and he would get the money every time. this is when i first started to get annoyed since i rarely ask for anything and rarely have. the only thing i've had my parents pay for in the past 5 years has been food and one computer ($1200). my brother, on the other hand, would eat out every night and pay for his girlfriend at expensive restaraunts ($30-50 for both of them). i would ask my dad why he is handing all this money over to my brother when he isn't even attending his classes - normally he'd just ignore me but every once in awhile he'd just sit there and look at me with a blank face (yes, seriously - he had nothing to say). there are countless other things i can bring up, but i think that's enough to show my point. moving on to the dogs... about a year ago, on my dad's birthday we were eating out. my brother brings up that he wants to get a dog (we knew how irresponsible he was - even a relative in town for a day knew how irresponsible he was after knowing him for 1 hour). everyone except my dad (who is the only person my brother listens to) told him to NOT get a dog because he had no income and it was a lot of work to take care of one. one week later, he comes home with a puppy pitbull. my parents pay for everything - to get him fixed, food, toys, training classes that my brother never went to, etc. the worst part for me is that we have a 14 year old dog living with us, who we've had since she was a puppy. she is terrified of the new dog (especially now that the pitbull is pretty much full grown). they bark at each other through the glass door. the older dog has a hard time moving around / getting up and is easily startled. i'm very worried that something will happen that will cause her to have a heart attack - i don't know how insane this is to think, but i'm a huge dog lover so i don't want anything to happen to her. i also don't want her life to be stressed out in her final year or so of her life (which it has been...) we have to keep the two dogs separated, the pitbull can only stay in the basement (this is where my brother's room is) where we have a separator on the stairs so he can't get up. sometimes my brother brings him to the middle level to watch tv or something and he falls asleep which is when the pitbull is able to go all around the house (including the top level where the older dog normally is). things like that are pretty terrifying to me, as we won't always be around to stop them from fighting if it should happen (and the pitbull would definitely win in a fight) also, my brother is a drug addict - very hardcore drugs that can easily kill him. this is what he was using the money from my father on (just pointing that out). he was also stealing stuff from stores (even the place he worked) and selling it on ebay to pay for his fix. he's had plenty of times when he's gotten in trouble with the law but was always bailed out by my father (including keeping his record clean so he's able to get a job easier in the future, which isn't cheap). he recently went to in-patient rehab but was back on drugs a week later. he claims to be clean, but my mother found a needle in one of his shorts' pockets. my brother claims they were his friend's shorts. my father believes him but my mother and i don't. also, the only reason why i know that she found a needle in his shorts is because she told me. she went to my father first and he told her that he didn't want me to know and to not tell me (seriously one of the more infuriating things he's done). it makes me think that there are hundreds of other things that my dad knows but my mom and i don't, just because he doesn't want to deal with it. also, just squeezing this in after i wrote my post because i remembered later. we're not exactly a rich family anymore... we used to have a decent amount of money but not after all of these expenses (dog, rehab, the $200 or more a week my brother asked for). we're to the point where my parents can't pay for MY college unless my mom digs into her retirement which i don't want her to do. my dad is most likely also going to pay for my brother's second chance at college (he recently got into one very close to our house) and will have to dig into his retirement as well - most likely just for him to not attend his classes again. so basically what i have is a compulsive liar/druggy brother, a father who ignores any and every problem, and a mother who my brother/father won't listen to (and i'm not going to get into details, but she often overreacts/exaggerates little things which contributes to my brother/father thinking she's too crazy to listen to). all of these things (and many many more ever since i was in middle school) have caused a lot of emotional distress for me. i wouldn't say i have suicidal thoughts, but when i do think about death, i think "it wouldn't be so bad... it's not like i have much." the closest thing i have to someone i can vent to are a few teachers at school (i go to a school with ~100 students so students and teachers have a good relationship, almost friendlike). but it's not like they can do anything anyway - it's just something i have to deal with. one of the latest 'plans' that i keep coming up with is to move out/run away and just stop talking to my family. i don't think it would solve anything, but i don't know how much more i can handle of constant arguing and no one doing anything to fix the situation. well, that felt good to finally get all out there. i don't expect anyone actually read through it all, especially without proper punctuation/capitalization (sorry about that, i'm just feeling like a lazy typer today i guess).
Angel1111 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 (edited) Yea, you're in the middle of a real mess, that's for sure. Fortunately, since you're 18 I'm assuming you're about to go to college and get out of the house. That will be a blessing. If your parents have chosen to put themselves in the poor house for your loser brother, then there's really nothing you can do about it. I say get some loans for college and you'll be fine. Just don't go to an expensive college and you'll be able to pay the loans off pretty quickly. My son did that and he also got some grants. He joined a fraternity and they have helped him along in terms of direction, and they really look out for him in a close brotherhood sense. If your parents can help you here and there, that will help, too. Just don't let money stop you from going to college. I had a similar situation with my older sister - she used my parents a lot and they let her. She wasn't a druggie or anything but she defintely took advantage of things. I totally hate pit bulls. I know a lot of people say they're sweet and all that. I just hate eveything they stand for. I heard a radio jockey say once that they get news reports all day long - some they choose to air, some not. He said that people would be shocked at the number of reports they get on pit bull attacks each day. Again, I don't know what to tell you about your brother and his dumb choices. Maybe you can stick the dog in the basement every time you see him running around the house. Or maybe he'll take a bite out of your brother's arm one day. You could always make him disappear but I don't really recommend that. Just look forward to the day you go to college and make sure you're about 3 hrs away. Also, maybe you can plan it so that you don't go back home during the summers. Your parents have coddled your brother to the point that they've made your life miserable. It's just really sad. Edited August 11, 2010 by Angel1111
candymoon Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 (edited) Yuck. A co-dependent nightmare. Getting financial aid and loans may be a little harder if you need to pay for college yourself because the gov't will still consider you a dependent until you are 24. What I had to do, since my parents went bankrupt in my senior HS year, was go community college and work part time to take care of the Basic education credits (english, math, arts, etc). Then I transferred to Uni a cpl years later and took my major courses. Saved me thousands. By then I was 24 and could use my own taxes to apply for financial aid and loans pay for the rest in cash from work. You can not do much about your family, sorry to say. They have to come to it in their own time. In a co-D family everything revolves around the person with the problem. Everything else becomes secondary, including the care of other children in the home. I know this as I lived it, though no one in my home used drugs, but was quite abusive. And make no mistake, this kind of Co-D is very emotionally abusive to others in the family. Get a part time job. Find a friend who will move out with you so you two can share expenses. Or is there is another close family member who would take you in? Oh, I know quite a bit of hardcore druggies, a 'pet' pitbull is not unusual. Sometimes they use them in dogfights to make money for their next hit. I wouldnt put it past him. Keep your other dog as safe as you can. Keep her in your room if you have to if you will be gone short periods. Stay safe yourself. Good luck to you! Edited August 11, 2010 by candymoon
Angel1111 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 I agree with Candymoon - maybe you can go live with another family member. Also, as long as you're at your parent's home, maybe you can stay in your room fairly often, and take your doggie with you so she can have some peace. The other thing I would suggest is to just be gone a lot. Hang out with your friends and only go home when necessary. That will alleviate a lot of pressure for you. I'm not certain about the college loan thing. If the parents aren't able to get loans or if the parent loan option is rejected, then you'll usually get a loan, or a couple of them, plus some grants through FAFSA. But you'll need to look into that. The key here is to go to an inexpensive college. I think there's a college in Arkansas that's only about $3,000 a year. Texas State (not Univ of Texas) is about $7,500 per year; compared to UT which is about $24,000/yr (great university but very costly). Usually colleges will do what they can to help you get an education. Just be sure you understand the financial situation before diving in. A community college might be ok but you're running the risk of having to stay at your parents' house, which is not what you want. And if you don't stay with them, then you might have to pay rent somewhere and you're still in the same town as they are. You'd be better off putting some distance between you and them. Yes, it can be done but be sure to look at all your options before making a decision. I'm sure you could go to a community college that's a little further away, too - that might be an option. Maybe you have a relative that lives in another state...? If you're just now going into your senior year at high school, be SURE to get to work on college submissions by this coming October. And be SURE that the FAFSA forms are filled out by January 2011. If you need any guidance with that, find someone who can help you - like a counselor at school. I'm sure people here could help, too, but a counselor will be your best bet. I'm not certain your parents will be of any assistance. If you just don't know where to begin with the whole process, then let the counselor know that and let him/her know your circumstances. Don't worry, it'll work out as long as you stay on top of it.
Author joeyz Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Thank you for your replies, everyone. My situation right now is that I'm going into my 5th year at high school (intentionally). As long as I am still a student enrolled in high school, my district will reimburse me for any college classes I take (about 90% of the money back) as long as I get a C or better. This was my plan for the past two years in order to save my parents the money, so I'm going to stick to it for the next two semesters since the credits will transfer over. Like I said, though, all the students in my school are close with our teachers due to it being a very small school. If things get bad enough, I know of one or two who would probably let me stay at their place for awhile just so I could avoid the constant arguing at home. I hope to get into a university which is several hours away but sadly there are no relatives near there. I could try to find a friend to rent an apartment with, but most of them are either already out of state at another college or already have roommates. I'm offsync with them now since I'm waiting an extra year to go to a university which sucks.
Angel1111 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 (edited) That seems an odd thing to do - staying in high school to get reimbursed for credits. Are you sure that's not going to reflect poorly on you down the road? It may be interpreted that you failed. Well, if it works I guess you can't knock it. If you're going to do that, then spend the year looking into colleges and sending in applications, and be sure to get them in by October (I think it's Oct for most - but you'll need to verify that). Don't get too hung up on just one particular college. Put in several applications and see what comes back. It gives you negotiating room. Sometimes colleges want people so badly that they'll offer a LOT of money to get you. So if you just concentrate on one college, you might be missing out on funding. And, again, fill out all the FAFSA forms on time (go to their website, know the deadlines, open an account, get a pin #, etc. and start the process). Just know that most colleges require that you stay in a dorm the first year. If you want, you can stay in a dorm the whole time but that gets old really quick and you probably aren't going to want to do that. But if finances are driving you, then it's definitely a way to go. If I were you, I'd get out of the mindset that you're going to get much help out of your parents. They have knowingly spent money that was intended to help themselves and to put you through college. At this point, you need to sit down with them and ask them directly how much they're going to be able to help you. This answer will determine a lot for you. If they assure you that you can count on them for 'x' number of dollars, ask them if that's something you can really count on, or is it subject to the amount of drama in your brother's life. Personally, I see your parents as a wild card because of the lengths they'll go to to let your brother destroy their lives. If you can't count on anything, or very little, from your parents, then you may want to call someone at FAFSA and let them know your situation and get their recommendations, because they have a huge influence over how much you can get in loans, grants, etc. There are forms that parents need to fill out for FAFSA but I don't know if your parents are going to be helpful with this or not. Just realize that there is a LOT of money out there to help people get into college and to stay there and you can end up doing very well. Once you get into college, I'm sure you'll find that you'll make a lot of new friends through your current friends and on your own. Keep the lines of communication open with your friends who are in college so that you don't lose touch with them. Facebook is good for this, as I'm sure you already know. Doors can open in terms of you getting an apt with someone down the line so don't rule that out. My son will be in an apt this year, sharing it with 2 other guys. He only knows one of the guys because he's in his fraternity; the other one he doesn't know. Here's a website that you might get a lot of info from: City of College Dreams (cityofcollegedreams.org). Good luck to you. I hope you'll keep us posted as to how you're doing. Edited August 14, 2010 by Angel1111
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