confused&inlove1 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Please give any advice you can, So Ive been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years, he is great almost everything I could want in a man, However he is in the process of getting his masters and has a huge amount of school debt, so he is forced to live at home. This is where this problem starts, he has an overly obsessed mother. We cant leave the house without her calling 3 times, its ridiculous. Ive always tolerated her and Ive managed to gain her approval. Up until a week ago she loved everything about me, which is really important to my boyfriend. Well, this has all changed. His mom stood face to face with me and told me she had nothing but hate for me over a simple misunderstanding. She said allot of not so mature or nice things to me, my boyfriend was sleeping upstairs so he missed all the drama, But the cherry on the cake is, after she chewed my head off she told me she would never tell him how she feels about me, and my bf knew something was wrong so he asked his mom, Do you know she had the nerve to call me out of his bedroom and ask me if we had a problem. She made up some stupid crap conversation that never took place. So its like behind the scenes she wants me to feel the pressure from her, but she wants to me the good angel and tell him she doesnt have any problems with me when she clearly does. It has gone from bad to worse, because my bf and I are fighting all the time because all I want is for him to have my back. So of course Im upset because Ive tried to explain to him what happened and tell him what she said to me, and He said he would NEVER take sides against his mother, and if she doesnt like me we are done. His previous relationship ended because his last girlfriend hated his mom. I dont want to leave him but the fact is that her word will always have more value than mine. Im looking for someone who can provide advice based on experience, if this sounds familiar or you can relate please HELP!!!!!!
D-Lish Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 , he has an overly obsessed mother. We cant leave the house without her calling 3 times, its ridiculous. Ive always tolerated her and Ive managed to gain her approval. It has gone from bad to worse, because my bf and I are fighting all the time because all I want is for him to have my back. So of course Im upset because Ive tried to explain to him what happened and tell him what she said to me, and He said he would NEVER take sides against his mother, and if she doesnt like me we are done. His previous relationship ended because his last girlfriend hated his mom. I dont want to leave him but the fact is that her word will always have more value than mine. Im looking for someone who can provide advice based on experience, if this sounds familiar or you can relate please HELP!!!!!! If his mother has that much power over him, it's a lost cause. You can't fight those kind of dysfunctional dynamics. My ex mother in-law was such an obsessive and controlling woman. She used guilt as her weapon, and my ex was terrified to stand up to her. She was a horrible and cruel woman (in a passive-aggressive way). It wasn't unheard of for her to call our house 17-20 times a day, and if we didn't answer, we'd soon find her ringing our doorbell and peering into our windows. She rarely acknowledged me, and if she did, it was with a frown or a disappointed "sigh" when she saw me. I just stopped visiting with him because she'd always "forget" to set me a place at the dinner table, or just make me feel as unwelcome as possible. My ex couldn't stand up to her- and as a result, I lost respect for him, and it eventually tore apart our marriage. By the end, I resented him so much, and it wasn't something we could get past. Your bf or his mother aren't likely to ever change. They have an incredibly unhealthy dynamic, and it's not likely you'll be able to fight it. The only advice I can give to you having gone through something similar is to run away as fast as you can. I spent almost 10 years in that situation, and it never got better. Sorry you are going through this, I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel. What I regret the most is never telling the evil witch to eff-off. I just retreated and wallowed in my resentment. I wish I had have gone off on her just once and told her how I felt.
Author confused&inlove1 Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 Thank you D-Lish for your honest and sincere response. I have not come to terms with the fact that I have to let him go, we still talk because he is under the impression that his mom has no problem with me, she keeps telling him she is not mad or upset with me, Which simply isnt true, she went far and beyond out of her way to explain to me, i was not welcome or liked. But to him she says all is well, its a blackmail sort of hatred she has for me now, and I have no doubt she will succeed. I just do not know how to let go of him, my past relationship was mentally straining and abusive, he in fact is the exact opposite, that is why it is so hard, to end it. But i do see where you are coming from in that he will never stand up for me and she will always have access to treating me like crap. Its so crazy because I read your reply where your ex-mother in law would ignore you and leave you out of family dinners.. So strange because she did the exact same thing to me... Sad and yet so amazingly weird,
Angel1111 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 I dont want to leave him but the fact is that her word will always have more value than mine. Im looking for someone who can provide advice based on experience, if this sounds familiar or you can relate please HELP!!!!!! The first sentence above is dead-on - her word will always have more value than yours. The next sentence is you hoping to change him or the situation and, unfortunately, this isn't going to happen. He has already told you he made a choice. I know it hurts but he has left you no option but to leave. If the two of you were married, this would be a HUGE issue in your marriage. Nothing will change this situation unless he decides to grow up. And that's nowhere close to happening. I'm sorry you're hurting so much but do yourself a big favor and walk away and never speak to him again.
D-Lish Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Thank you D-Lish for your honest and sincere response. I have not come to terms with the fact that I have to let him go, we still talk because he is under the impression that his mom has no problem with me, she keeps telling him she is not mad or upset with me, Which simply isnt true, she went far and beyond out of her way to explain to me, i was not welcome or liked. But to him she says all is well, its a blackmail sort of hatred she has for me now, and I have no doubt she will succeed. I just do not know how to let go of him, my past relationship was mentally straining and abusive, he in fact is the exact opposite, that is why it is so hard, to end it. But i do see where you are coming from in that he will never stand up for me and she will always have access to treating me like crap. Its so crazy because I read your reply where your ex-mother in law would ignore you and leave you out of family dinners.. So strange because she did the exact same thing to me... Sad and yet so amazingly weird, Almost together for 10 years, and things only got worse. I guarantee you that things won't change between them. I have a million stories of what that women did to sabotage our relationship. My ex had a lucrative job in Ohio, and I lived at home in Canada, so we only saw each other once every 3-6 weeks. When he was home- his mother would insist that he spend all his free time with "his family" (her). He would always succomb to the guilt and if he came home for a weekend, he'd get home at midnight Friday, spend Saturday doing house stuff with me, then get guilted into spending His entire Sunday at his parents place. He'd get home late Sunday night after spending 10 hours with his mother, then leave Monday morning and go away again for a month. It was brutal- especially at the end. But he never could say no to his mother. Our marriage fell apart within the first year- and I place about 90% of our marital problems on his mother. We stayed together for another year after that, but it was too late by then, the damage had been done. You'd be happier being alone, rather than deal with his mother's antics- trust me girl, it never ends, it actually gets worse. The more the mother sees she is losing him to you, the more she will cause issues for you.
Angel1111 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Its so crazy because I read your reply where your ex-mother in law would ignore you and leave you out of family dinners.. So strange because she did the exact same thing to me... Sad and yet so amazingly weird, You do realize this is a very twisted dynamic between mother and son. I have a 20 yr old son in college who has a gf and I would not dream of interfering in his life or his relationship in any way, shape or form. This just would not happen. I'm very close to my son but his relationships are his business. I happen to love his gf and we get along great but even if I didn't like her, I would get along with her for the sake of my son. The only time I wouldn't do this is if she was abusive to him. Then he and I would have a long talk. As far as calling him several times a day, that just doesn't happen. When you have really sick dynamics like in your bf's family, they do not go away. You can waste a lot of years on this man trying to figure out why things are this way, or trying to fix them. The truth is, this is just another form of abuse.
Author confused&inlove1 Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 I appreciate your time and advice in replying to my posts, I take it to heart, every word. I want to believe that things will get better but obviously I would be lying to myself if I stayed. His mom has so much power over him and she is willing to use it against me to keep him. I just hate that I have invested 3 years of my life on a lost cause situation. And the fact that she adored me until last week is even worse. My relationship with him was not in question till she showed her true colors. Its like we could have been together for 100 years but the minute she decides she doesnt like me - he is ready to walk.... Its sad
Angel1111 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 I appreciate your time and advice in replying to my posts, I take it to heart, every word. I want to believe that things will get better but obviously I would be lying to myself if I stayed. His mom has so much power over him and she is willing to use it against me to keep him. I just hate that I have invested 3 years of my life on a lost cause situation. And the fact that she adored me until last week is even worse. My relationship with him was not in question till she showed her true colors. Its like we could have been together for 100 years but the minute she decides she doesnt like me - he is ready to walk.... Its sad It's beyond sad, really, but there's just nothing that can be done about it. The 3 yrs may seem like a waste but think about it if you stay longer. Those yrs will just keep piling up. I don't think it's about whether his mom likes you or not. As D-Lish pointed out, maybe these moms start to feel really desperate when they see that the relationship is getting more serious. It was never about whether she liked you or not, it was about whether you were going to stick around or not. And when she decided that you might, it was time to seek and destroy. The problem is that even if you try to break away from him, I think he's going to try to downplay the situation and minimize your feelings. It's going to take a lot of strength to walk away but I hope you're able to do it. This relationship has 'divorce' written all over it. Please don't put yourself through that.
jenifer1972 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Someone who can adore you one week and turn on you like a rabid dog the next is someone to be very afraid of. I had a terribly controlling mother in law the first round, and it is a main sabotage of a relationship. Between this woman and her son are likely several personality disorders and unpleasant boundary invasions. I don't mean physical, but that this is essentially emotional incest.
D-Lish Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Angel, a woman would be lucky to have a MIL with your mindset. My MIL got crazier as the years went by. The closer my exH and I got to one another, the more she acted out and sought to sabotage. My exH wanted me to just sweep her maniacal behaviour under the rug and accept it so I didn't cause waves. Just once, I wanted to hear him stand up to his mother, for "us"....But he was terrified of her. I felt like such a piece of sh*t by the end of our relationship. I know this may sound creepy- but my ex's mom used to tilt her head and stare wide-eyed at her son in a way that was more romantic than motherly. It's hard to explain- but it was so weird.
Angel1111 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Angel, a woman would be lucky to have a MIL with your mindset. My MIL got crazier as the years went by. The closer my exH and I got to one another, the more she acted out and sought to sabotage. My exH wanted me to just sweep her maniacal behaviour under the rug and accept it so I didn't cause waves. Just once, I wanted to hear him stand up to his mother, for "us"....But he was terrified of her. I felt like such a piece of sh*t by the end of our relationship. I know this may sound creepy- but my ex's mom used to tilt her head and stare wide-eyed at her son in a way that was more romantic than motherly. It's hard to explain- but it was so weird. Thank you, D-Lish. I hope I will be a good MIL when my son marries. I hope he marries the girl he's with - I just love her to death. They get along great and he just adores her. She adores him, too. They've been together almost 2 yrs now. I'm so happy for him, it just makes my heart sing to see him so happy. Those two have actually renewed my faith in love again. I wonder if women like your xMIL just bond with their sons in a really sick way - because their behavior is very much like a jealous lover. It's really nauseating. I'm close to my son but he's my son. I can see him as a wonderful young man that I'm proud of, and I get joy out of watching his life unfold. It's sad that people use their children to exercise (or exorcise) their own issues. It would make me nuts if my husband didn't defend me when things were so off. Your marriage wasn't just about the two of you - it had a 3rd party that, for all intents and purposes, what like having an OW in the marriage. An OW who went by the name of 'mom'. Ick.
D-Lish Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Thank you, D-Lish. I hope I will be a good MIL when my son marries. I hope he marries the girl he's with - I just love her to death. They get along great and he just adores her. She adores him, too. They've been together almost 2 yrs now. I'm so happy for him, it just makes my heart sing to see him so happy. Those two have actually renewed my faith in love again. I wonder if women like your xMIL just bond with their sons in a really sick way - because their behavior is very much like a jealous lover. It's really nauseating. I'm close to my son but he's my son. I can see him as a wonderful young man that I'm proud of, and I get joy out of watching his life unfold. It's sad that people use their children to exercise (or exorcise) their own issues. It would make me nuts if my husband didn't defend me when things were so off. Your marriage wasn't just about the two of you - it had a 3rd party that, for all intents and purposes, what like having an OW in the marriage. An OW who went by the name of 'mom'. Ick. Yep, it felt like she was more of a jealous lover than a mom- sick, dysfunctional, and my ex himself felt the creepiness of her affection, but refused to cut the apron strings. He was both repelled, and terrified of his mother- but he wasn't ever man enough to take a stand. The youngest brother is the same- he still lives at home with her at the age of 32, and allows his mother to dictate who he dates. I'm probably not much younger than you now, I am old enough to have a 20 year old. If I had a son, I know I would want to be the kind of mom you are to your son. You nuture, protect, and you'll always be there for them, but you know how to let him be his own man, make his own decisions and mistakes. Were it not for his mother, I know we would have had a much different relationship- I believe we'd still be together now. It's sad really.
Angel1111 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Yep, it felt like she was more of a jealous lover than a mom- sick, dysfunctional, and my ex himself felt the creepiness of her affection, but refused to cut the apron strings. He was both repelled, and terrified of his mother- but he wasn't ever man enough to take a stand. The youngest brother is the same- he still lives at home with her at the age of 32, and allows his mother to dictate who he dates. I'm probably not much younger than you now, I am old enough to have a 20 year old. If I had a son, I know I would want to be the kind of mom you are to your son. You nuture, protect, and you'll always be there for them, but you know how to let him be his own man, make his own decisions and mistakes. Were it not for his mother, I know we would have had a much different relationship- I believe we'd still be together now. It's sad really. Unfortunately a lot of your ex's behavior has to do with how he was raised. If he was raised with that strange lack of boundaries, then he doesn't know anything other than that. He probably doesn't like it but doesn't know how to break free of it. She is more to blame than anyone because she ingrained that into his head. It is so sad. There are no words. Thank you about wanting to be a mom like me. I've screwed up a lot of things in my life but my son is a true miracle and the one thing that seems to be right. Now that he's older, he's even more fun because he's not as dependent on me and I can talk to him as an adult. He has always been a happy person. I dated a guy once who told me, "that kid is just too happy". He thought it was so funny but that's just the way my son is and always has been. I'm not sure if you and I are close to the same age because I had my son kind of late - I was 31; I'm 51 now. I wasn't someone who really wanted kids but I'm really glad I had him and wish I had a couple more like him...haha. I would've had more kids but I didn't want to have kids with my last husband and I never married again after that. But I'm lucky to have my son and that's enough for me.
D-Lish Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Unfortunately a lot of your ex's behavior has to do with how he was raised. If he was raised with that strange lack of boundaries, then he doesn't know anything other than that. He probably doesn't like it but doesn't know how to break free of it. She is more to blame than anyone because she ingrained that into his head. It is so sad. There are no words. Thank you about wanting to be a mom like me. I've screwed up a lot of things in my life but my son is a true miracle and the one thing that seems to be right. Now that he's older, he's even more fun because he's not as dependent on me and I can talk to him as an adult. He has always been a happy person. I dated a guy once who told me, "that kid is just too happy". He thought it was so funny but that's just the way my son is and always has been. I'm not sure if you and I are close to the same age because I had my son kind of late - I was 31; I'm 51 now. I wasn't someone who really wanted kids but I'm really glad I had him and wish I had a couple more like him...haha. I would've had more kids but I didn't want to have kids with my last husband and I never married again after that. But I'm lucky to have my son and that's enough for me. Well, I am 40:p I'm not far behind. But you totally sound like a level headed, cool mom.
Angel1111 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Well, I am 40:p I'm not far behind. But you totally sound like a level headed, cool mom. Thanks, sweetie. You made me smile.
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