Have to get this out...

[Owthathurts]

I have never been the OW before knowingly...but the relationship I am currently in I knew from the beginning that he was still married but separated for about 6 months prior to me meeting him. He told me right off the bat his situation and why they are still married (financial issues) but he has been seeing OW since the separation and one time prior during the marriage. He has always been honest with me, when I asked him if he still slept with W, he told me he did once in a while. I told him from my prior experience (I was separated for 4 years, now D) that sleeping with your STBXW is not a good idea because she starts to believe that there is hope and if there is hope then you shouldn't be here with me. After that point and after our relationship grew into more than just casual sex, he told me that he no longer messes with her because he realized that he can no longer play with her emotions.

All good? Right? No! I have started to develop a strong love for him and he has the same feelings for me. Honestly, this "relationship" was purely sexual on my behalf in the beginning but I knew that we had more than just sexual chemistry. The first time we hung out, we talked for hours and hours and really dig each other..he has told me I am everything he ever wanted in a woman and he has a deep love for me.

Recently, I came clean and told him that I was falling for him and that I am beginning to love him and that I want to have a future with him. He told me to take it slow, that he didn't want to rush our feelings for each other because that is what got him married in the first place. I have agreed to take it slow and let things move naturally and not force it; however, I do want him to tell his STBXW that he is with me and not just physically, emotionally. I asked him when he was going to tell her and he told me that it is going to happen. He introduced me to his family, knowing damn well it will get back to her (that was a week ago) and nothing yet. They don't live together but he is involved with her on a daily basis because they have kids. I know that she still lists her status as "married" on facebook, but he changed his to single a while back. Amongst the "separated" situation we are dealing with, he also lives 2 hours away from me - but we make it work, we see eachother weekly and talk daily. He has plans to move to where I am and is putting the move in motion.

I am confused, in love and trying not to focus on this...I would like to take my heart out of this but you can't stop what the heart wants. So, what do you suggest? Do I force the "reveal" to the W? Do I force him moving here and give a deadline? Or do I just let it take its course and relax?

[Mombot]

Good luck with all that. I sent an email that was blown away by indifference. Now I am going NC, and it's very hard to ignore. I'm escaping him by not contacting him, but of course the heart did not run away, it's still beating and wondering, can I really cut him out of my life?

[blizzard]

Honestly, until he has signed divorce papers you are at his mercy. You love him so stepping away is too late. You seem to be at a no win situation...I'm so sorry. I understand. I have been there too. My xMM professed to "love" me and had a lease ready in hand to sign. Even went over his new "budget" with me. Within that same week, BS discovered affair and xMM stayed with his wife. Just like that. Over a year in a half of "love" and promises of a future he threw me to the wolves. I have had NC now going on three months. It's the most hurt and confusion I have ever felt and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Tell him to get a divorce. Then call you. My xMM used the "finance" excuse too. And since I am being honest, your MM is still sleeping with her. I'm sorry...

[Mombot]

Totally believable he is sleeping with his W. Why wouldn't he?

[White Flower]

I have never been the OW before knowingly...but the relationship I am currently in I knew from the beginning that he was still married but separated for about 6 months prior to me meeting him. He told me right off the bat his situation and why they are still married (financial issues) but he has been seeing OW since the separation and one time prior during the marriage. He has always been honest with me, when I asked him if he still slept with W, he told me he did once in a while. I told him from my prior experience (I was separated for 4 years, now D) that sleeping with your STBXW is not a good idea because she starts to believe that there is hope and if there is hope then you shouldn't be here with me. After that point and after our relationship grew into more than just casual sex, he told me that he no longer messes with her because he realized that he can no longer play with her emotions.

All good? Right? No! I have started to develop a strong love for him and he has the same feelings for me. Honestly, this "relationship" was purely sexual on my behalf in the beginning but I knew that we had more than just sexual chemistry. The first time we hung out, we talked for hours and hours and really dig each other..he has told me I am everything he ever wanted in a woman and he has a deep love for me.

Recently, I came clean and told him that I was falling for him and that I am beginning to love him and that I want to have a future with him. He told me to take it slow, that he didn't want to rush our feelings for each other because that is what got him married in the first place. I have agreed to take it slow and let things move naturally and not force it; however, I do want him to tell his STBXW that he is with me and not just physically, emotionally. I asked him when he was going to tell her and he told me that it is going to happen. He introduced me to his family, knowing damn well it will get back to her (that was a week ago) and nothing yet. They don't live together but he is involved with her on a daily basis because they have kids. I know that she still lists her status as "married" on facebook, but he changed his to single a while back. Amongst the "separated" situation we are dealing with, he also lives 2 hours away from me - but we make it work, we see eachother weekly and talk daily. He has plans to move to where I am and is putting the move in motion.

I am confused, in love and trying not to focus on this...I would like to take my heart out of this but you can't stop what the heart wants. So, what do you suggest? Do I force the "reveal" to the W? Do I force him moving here and give a deadline? Or do I just let it take its course and relax?

How do you know he does not live with her? Do you drive by his house? How do you know she does not know his status at FB? Is she a computer wizzard?

 

You have a couple of things going for you. He was honest about telling you he sleeps/slept with her. Now you can guage his lies against his truths. Good work.

 

You also have that he introduced you to his family. Very rare.

 

But I would agree, you are in deep and if you're not strong enough you are at his mercy. Just read here and try to learn in between posting your own thoughts.

 

Good luck.

[BB07]

I hope you can be strong.......and back away and tell him to find you when the ink on the divorce papers is dry. Until then you are in a hellish limbo. I also tend to think that being in a situation such as yours will make it harder for him to decide on one or the other because in some ways having both of you enables him to continue sitting on the fence and use bs excuses of why he can't leave.

[Owthathurts]

I know that I am in limbo. He is never quick to make promises and has told me that his actions will prove that he is serious about us and moving up here and truly leaving her. I don't want to marry him so I could care less about the paper he needs. I don't think I ever want to be married again. I was married/together with my xH for 8 years and separated for 4 after. My xH dated other girls during our separation and started a serious relationship one year after. I asked him did he tell his current girlfriend that we were still married and he said she didn't know until about 9 months of dating and at that point she was angry but decided to stay. I dated 2 other guys during our separation, but it didn't work out because they were so worried about me running back to my xH. I don't want to put this relationship into that same category. I am not worried about him going back to her, if he does, he does and his loss. I've had my heart broken before and it can never be broken like that again.

I know he doesn't live with her and I know he cares deeply about me so I guess I am going to take it easy and play it by ear. I am not going to stress about it. Last night, he finally found a job near me so I know he is serious about leaving his town and will be up here soon.

[blizzard]

Owthahurts: I don't want to marry him so I could care less about the paper he needs. I don't think I ever want to be married again.

 

I believe the significance of signing papers would put your doubts at ease. And it entrusts that he is serious about moving on with you. Not so much as giving you an open window to marry him. Being seperated is not being divorced. You are the OW in a sense until his divorce is over. I would even go as to far as to say that if/when their divorce got nasty his W could use that.

Owthahurts: I am not worried about him going back to her, if he does, he does and his loss. I've had my heart broken before and it can never be broken like that again.

Never say never. Broken hearts can be unique in their own way. What's scary about your relationship is that MM can be subtle with what they say...and invest time in you. He has already made you promises that you aren't seeing as promises...but they are. One thing (aside from many) that I have learned from this site is that a man that truly loves you he will move mountains to be with you...the right way. With a clean slate.

 

((Hon)), I wish you the best. And I hope once he get there he stays there...and stays with you.

[Owthathurts]

I feel he is moving mountains for us - there is a lot of stuff that has to be taken care of where he lives (for his kids) prior to him coming here. I know he is trying to make the situation less dramatic for me, even though I want him to tell her I am not sure I am ready for the repercussions and dealing with the W at this point. We have had serious conversations about this, but the last one we had was what was going to happen when he did tell her. Since that conversation, I have not brought it up at all. I do tell him that I want him here but I understand why he has to be where he is right now. Whoo - this is difficult for me. I have always jumped into really serious relationships - moving in with guys after only a week of being with them and I need to learn to take it slow and really get to know the person prior to jumping in. This relationship is teaching me how to be patient and let things evolve.

 

Thanks for the hugs and support. I don't have many girlfriends and the ones I do have tell me to avoid him until he moves here, but I can't. He is here every weekend and we spend most of his time here together. I enjoy his company, more than sexually.....

 

Crazy!

[Owthathurts]

Good luck with all that. I sent an email that was blown away by indifference. Now I am going NC, and it's very hard to ignore. I'm escaping him by not contacting him, but of course the heart did not run away, it's still beating and wondering, can I really cut him out of my life?

 

I wish I could contact her without feeling guilty for betraying his trust or having him know that it was me. I just want to know that she is aware that they are through (his words) and that he is moving on. She cheated on him all last year and he believes she is still doing it because when he watches the kids, she says she is going somewhere but isn't there. I don't have to snoop to find her contact info, she is on facebook. But I did look through his phone a couple weeks ago and the texts between the two of them are strictly kid related...

[whichwayisup]

A man who is separated for 6 months, isn't going to move away 2 hours from his kids.

 

I hope you see that he is 'giving you hope' and 'making plans for the future' to keep you interested, even though he more than likely has no intention of following through.

 

Take a step back and detach. This man is NOT divorced, he's barely separated. And, he's admitted that he's had sex with his wife. He isn't going to tell you how often, though, that would be stupid on his behalf.

 

Don't put demands on him or expectations..As I mentioned above, he's freshly separated and anything can happen/change along the way and not in your favour.

 

Ask yourself this. IF YOU were married, had kids, and freshly separated, would YOU want to commit so quickly to another man? Move 2 hours away from your kids? Make plans for the future with a man you've dated for not that long? My guess is no.. Allow him time and space to work through the process. If you push him too much, he'll shutdown.

 

Another thing, his marriage and what he does or doesn't do isn't your business, so don't go there with him, especially concerning his kids.

[whichwayisup]

I just want to know that she is aware that they are through (his words) and that he is moving on.

 

Noone can predict the future and he could change his mind either way. It isn't your place to let her know! He isn't "yours." Sorry to be harsh, but you seem very jealous/threatened by her. HE is going to see and talk to her daily because of the kids. You're 2 hours away and all you have to go on his word.

 

Not saying he's lying to you, but he more than likely is omitting truths from you.

 

Also, it's up to HIM to tell her he's seeing someone, not you.

[whichwayisup]

But I did look through his phone a couple weeks ago and the texts between the two of them are strictly kid related...

 

Again, you're not his wife. You already don't trust him and are snooping through his phone?

 

Whatever conversations he has with her, are between him and her. It isn't any of your business what they talk about, especially concerning the kids.

 

Are you going to tell him you read his texts? That you want to tell his wife you are his gf and in the picture, that she needs to accept this and let go, move on and allow him to divorce her? It seems quite controlling.

[piscis]

ACTIONS not words.

words are meaningless.

I will not wait and see wait a minute.... I waited and saw clearly that he made his choice and that was to stay at home.

It hurts a lot of course but try to beging letting him go, you may save a couple of thousdands of tears

[Owthathurts]

Again, you're not his wife. You already don't trust him and are snooping through his phone?

 

Whatever conversations he has with her, are between him and her. It isn't any of your business what they talk about, especially concerning the kids.

 

Are you going to tell him you read his texts? That you want to tell his wife you are his gf and in the picture, that she needs to accept this and let go, move on and allow him to divorce her? It seems quite controlling.

 

He knows I went through his texts, I told him. Yes, I know the conversations between him and her are private. I have this weird obsession with anyone I date to look through their phones. I am working on it...and have not done it since that time. I have realized that if you go digging in the dirt, your hands are going to come up dirty.

[Owthathurts]

Sorry to be harsh, but you seem very jealous/threatened by her. HE is going to see and talk to her daily because of the kids. You're 2 hours away and all you have to go on his word.

 

Not saying he's lying to you, but he more than likely is omitting truths from you.

 

Of course, I'm threatened - I have told him this before. I know he will talk to her daily and see her daily because of the kids. I am okay with that.

 

Thanks

[Owthathurts]

A man who is separated for 6 months, isn't going to move away 2 hours from his kids.

 

I hope you see that he is 'giving you hope' and 'making plans for the future' to keep you interested, even though he more than likely has no intention of following through.

 

Take a step back and detach. This man is NOT divorced, he's barely separated. And, he's admitted that he's had sex with his wife. He isn't going to tell you how often, though, that would be stupid on his behalf.

 

Don't put demands on him or expectations..As I mentioned above, he's freshly separated and anything can happen/change along the way and not in your favour.

 

Ask yourself this. IF YOU were married, had kids, and freshly separated, would YOU want to commit so quickly to another man? Move 2 hours away from your kids? Make plans for the future with a man you've dated for not that long? My guess is no.. Allow him time and space to work through the process. If you push him too much, he'll shutdown.

 

Another thing, his marriage and what he does or doesn't do isn't your business, so don't go there with him, especially concerning his kids.

 

Agreed. I have to separate myself from this - actions speak louder than words and if he is going to do it, he will. I have given myself my own time limit. If he has not moved by September, it's over. I am not going to bring it up to him anymore or push/force him and I have not told him of my own deadline.

 

I agree with you also that I need to allow him time and space to work through the process...so I am giving it to him.

 

There are other reasons for moving to the city where I live - not only me. There are more opportunities here and better paying jobs in his industry. It is not me that he is moving here for, just an added benefit if I am still around when he does do it. Prior to him meeting me, he was planning on leaving his current city.

[Owthathurts]

ACTIONS not words.

words are meaningless.

I will not wait and see wait a minute.... I waited and saw clearly that he made his choice and that was to stay at home.

It hurts a lot of course but try to beging letting him go, you may save a couple of thousdands of tears

 

 

Wow..he has told me the same thing - "Actions are more important than words. Rather than filling your head with words and promises, you'll see through my actions."

 

But maybe it's all just game, whatever. I have given myself a deadline of the end of September for him to move here and tell his wife what is going on. I have not told him of my internal deadline, because if it comes to that point I am just going to do NC. It will be easier. And even though I don't want to talk/date other guys and he has never told me that I shouldn't, I am going to open myself up for other possibilities. I was talking to another guy up until 3 weeks ago and by talking to the other guy I was able to keep my mind off of the MM and how I felt about him. I stopped talking to the other guy because I felt it was unfair to him that I was having another relationship and he wanted me to only see him.

[whichwayisup]

I have not told him of my internal deadline, because if it comes to that point I am just going to do NC.

 

Tell him. Maybe you don't realize this, but by NOT telling him and keeping this to yourself, it just gives you an out, an excuse to stay and change your deadline, depending on what line he feeds you, come September. Unless you're incredibly strong and can make yourself a promise, not break it that September IS the deadline, then don't tell. Hope that makes sense.

 

I don't know of many men, unless he plans on "just" visitation with his kids, see them once a week, who would move 2 hours away. Even more so if he is going to have shared custody with his wife.

 

Prior to him meeting me, he was planning on leaving his current city.

Are you sure about that?

 

He knows I went through his texts, I told him. Yes, I know the conversations between him and her are private. I have this weird obsession with anyone I date to look through their phones. I am working on it...and have not done it since that time. I have realized that if you go digging in the dirt, your hands are going to come up dirty.

 

Good that he knows. And yes, if you look sometimes you get what you ask for.

 

It's good too, that you're working on it. Invading someone's personal stuff because you feel insecure or have trust issues isn't the right way to handle it, all it will do is feed your insecurity/obsession and make you feel anxious/worse.

 

How long have you been seeing him? You say he has been separated for 6 months, but what is the exact time frame that you two have been together?

[Owthathurts]

I can keep my own deadline. But what you said is true, it does give me an out...

 

Yes I am sure about him planning to move here prior to meeting me. He has been looking for a job up here. We have discussed the drive and his need to see his kids (I have my own) and how hard it is going to be. He recognizes this and would love to take his sons with him but his wife would be destroyed by not having her children with her so he is working through the custody/visitation with her and getting her childcare so that she won't stress about it when he moves.

 

I've realized that my little investigative action only feeds into my anxiety and it's worthless. I usually end up stressing out myself and then pushing the guy away that I've done it to.

 

When I met him, he had been separated for 6 months, we have been seeing eachother for about 4 months now. So, his separation is around 10 months now. Prior to me and in the beginning of our relationship, I know he was seeing some other girl(s)....I was doing the same.

 

I just talked to a friend of mine who told me that I should leave it as it is...if it's not broke then why try to fix it. I was fine with the relationship and how things were going until I revealed to him my feelings for him and now I think that it has to move at the same pace I want. My friend also said that I was seeing other people up until recently and just because I dropped other guys quickly, doesn't mean that it is the same process for him to drop his wife completely. And why should I expect it? I am the OW and I knew this from the beginning. My friend used a great analogy, "You saw the shirt on the rack and you knew you couldn't buy it immediately, you have to put it on layaway."

 

I think that is the advice that I should follow....remove the words that were exchanged between the two of us and keep it how it is - a really great feeling when we are together and an anticipation when we are not. If it turns into him moving here, then so be it.

 

I realize that with all my other relationships, I usually want the guy to be around me 24/7 and that is selfish and greedy and doesn't work. With this one, I am not going to be selfish or greedy and let the course of the relationship find it's own way. If it is meant to be, then it will be. I can't foresee the future and who knows? I might lose interest in him on my own. Can't see that happening, but it definitely could.