Feeling lost and not sure if it's worth it...

[OrchidRain]

My SO and I are both 24 and have been together four years (next month). We have lived together for almost 3 of those years. We have a bad tendency to fight all the time and he is very sure in his ways and we're both kind of stubborn.

 

We fight a lot, usually over stupid stuff. He is an extremely efficient guy. It can be a good thing, but he expects me to be the same way, and I’m totally not. I get easily distracted and it just generally takes me a little longer than him to complete stuff. It’s never a ridiculous amount of time, sometimes just a few minutes. But still, it isn’t enough. He ‘wants me to be better’ but I don’t know if that is for my own good, or his. He’s an awful teacher if that is what he is trying to do. He doesn’t teach, he just demands it change. Another reason we end up fighting is I have a hard time hearing him and sometimes he mumbles. I have to ask him to repeat himself, quite often actually, and it drives him up the wall. Why can’t I listen, why don’t I ever hear him… I tell him, you have to get my attention first sometimes. If we are watching TV, I’m paying attention to that, not directing all of my attention to you, waiting for you to say something to me. My biggest issues weren’t even the fighting, though that sucked.

 

In the beginning he did, but after the first year I feel like he didn’t touch me in an affectionate way. Ever. He wouldn’t hold my hand and when he would it was very short, like he kept thinking about what he couldn’t do if his hand was busy holding mine. He wouldn’t put his arm around me, a hug lasted what felt like mere seconds, and we wouldn’t even sit together on the couch because he would sit towards the middle and I would get squished. And not in a good way.

 

The only time he seems to touch me is when he wants sex. For example, if I went to hug him, his hands always seemed to find their way to my T&A, he couldn’t just hold me without going there. So, you can imagine how I started to feel. I told him on several occasions that I needed affection. I feel like my words were falling on deaf ears, and when he would listen and he would touch me like I asked, it felt forced which made me feel worse. I tried to explain how when he would hold my hand and then decide he needed it for something, he would fling me off. Not wiggle out or gently let go. Fling. My whole body would get tingly like every part of my body wanted to cry and scream out.

 

The other thing that is eating me up is he has never told me he loves me. He says he does feel it to a point, but not enough to tell me. I’m glad he isn’t telling me when he doesn’t mean it, but it’s been four years. And we’ve been fighting about it. He thinks all of my problems stem from that word. He thinks cooking for me and stuff should speak more than that word, but it doesn’t to me. I haven’t read the book ‘The Five Love Languages’, but I have read about them and what they are. I am more Words of Affirmation and/or Physical Touch. He is not. I never talked to him about this, but I think he falls into Acts of Service. And I could never do enough. And I got tired. And I slacked, I’ll admit it, I started to give up. I felt like he wasn’t my boyfriend, but a roommate I had a friends with benefits type relationship with.

 

So! A little over a week ago his lease ended. The only way he could stay in my state (came here for school) was if he had a roommate. And something in me said not to sign a lease. I just, couldn’t. Not even a short one. Something said no. So I listened to it, and he went home. We’ve been talking and we’re still together, going to try an LDR. He is trying to be understanding. I just feel lost. I have my degree but I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am ready to move, but I don’t know where I want to go. I want to take some time to figure it all out before I make a decision I regret.

 

I told him I don’t want to break up, but I’m not happy. Not just with him, but with myself. I have lost my self confidence and I feel like I’ve lost who I am. I don’t want to blame him, but looking back, he is so frustrating and kind of controlling. If he asks me a question but I give him too much of an answer and talk more than he wants, he snaps at me and loudly shushes me or tells me to stop talking. I’m sorry I wanted to give you a whole answer, or more details that are important to me. I know guys like short answers, but if I feel it adds something to the story I’m going to say it. I can’t do anything right because it takes too long, even if the outcome is the same. He talks down to me when I don’t do stuff exactly like he would. We’ve talked about it but he claims I am just imagining that he has a tone in his voice when there isn’t one. I never do enough around the house. It makes me feel like I am not enough.

 

But we have so much in common, and when it’s good it is really good. He makes me laugh and he always knows how to make me smile (the passive-aggressive side of me just said – when he wants to). Though, I have been asking myself if I lost it because I tried to change parts of myself to make him happy, like how giggly and dramatic I get when I'm with my girlfriends.

 

Now he is starting to pressure me. It has only been a week and he is asking me if we are going to stay together or if in a couple months I’m just going to break up with him. I don’t know. I wanted to take this time to reevaluate myself, and our relationship. I know it isn’t fair to make him wait, but is it fair that he is already asking me about this? I know he has a lot going on (trying to find a job/moving back home and not the greatest relationship with his parents/car is dying/a lot of debt) but I can’t control any of that and he can’t ask me to decide quicker just because he is stressed.

 

I am thinking of telling him to go and look if that is what he wants to do. I don’t want to hold him back. And as I reread what I have written, I wonder if it’s worth it. I love him, but I wonder if he can love me. He keeps telling me I will be wasting four years, but if I’m not happy now, I’ll waste more! He says I am being selfish, not only in not giving him an answer but also in what I’m asking from him. I don’t think I am asking for all that much.

 

I just don’t know what to do. I do love him, but is love this hard? Shouldn’t I be happy at least 80% of the time? Do I have some obscure look on love and I really am asking too much?

 

 

Wow, this is WAY longer than I intended. I guess I needed to get it out…

 

Additional question for any guys out there: Do you like cuddling on your girl? Do you do it because you want to, or because she wants you to? Am I simply asking too much in that regard?

[madjac74]

Additional question for any guys out there: Do you like cuddling on your girl? Do you do it because you want to, or because she wants you to? Am I simply asking too much in that regard?

 

Absolutely! Cuddling is better than sex. I recently saw my GF for 1 day after 6 months apart. The sex was amazing but what I really remember was holding her and laughing and talking all night and morning.

 

It sounds like you are miserable most of the time. I was in a marriage like this. Yea it was good sometimes but mostly i never felt good enough or i never did enough. I stayed miserable for a long time because i didnt believe in divorce and i was thinking of the kids. Ill tell you what i learned...get out now and find someone who appreciates you!

[findingnemo]

Ok. This sounds like my marriage too! You think you are passive-aggressive when you qualify the nice ways he treats you by adding "when he wants to"? It is not you who is passive-aggressive, my dear. It seems to me like your SO has some pyschological issues (no touching, hugging, maybe intimacy issues) that need to be dealt with. I once thought that everybody has issues and so it wasn't a big deal that my husband-to-be exhibited a split personality when we first we lived together. Three years into our marriage, he had turned into a full blown psycho. Even in the midst of severe physical violence, I could tell that this was someone else. Anyway, I finally left him (packing my kids and belongings while he was at work) because I realized that I am not equipped to help him sort out whatever issues he had. I basically realized that he needed professional help and that I could get killed while trying to "stand by my man".

 

I am not saying that your SO will turn out to be a violent person. But I think that in your heart and/or mind, you are worried that something is not right. So please, run now. I can tell from your description of him that the things he does are having an emotional effect on you...and NOT the kind you want. So my advice, do not move to live with him. Stay away - he needs professional help.

[lordWilhelm]

Additional question for any guys out there: Do you like cuddling on your girl? Do you do it because you want to, or because she wants you to? Am I simply asking too much in that regard?

 

Yes, of course, it's wonderful if both of us want it!

 

Have you had a serious discussion with him about it? Because I get the impression you had several abortive discussions and the fact that he doesn't try to listen to what you're saying and treats you like an "asset" (as a way to stay in the country, cuts you off when you're talking and wants you to do things quickly) is a big alarm signal to me.

[aerogurl87]

No one even commented on this, but you've been together FOUR years and he's yet to tell you he loves you?!!?!? RED FLAG right there when coupled with the lack of affection unless it's for sex. If you think things are bad now, just imagine how they will be four years later. And I can tell you they won't get better, they'll only get worse.

[Citizen Erased]

No one even commented on this, but you've been together FOUR years and he's yet to tell you he loves you?!!?!? RED FLAG right there when coupled with the lack of affection unless it's for sex. If you think things are bad now, just imagine how they will be four years later. And I can tell you they won't get better, they'll only get worse.

 

Agreed. You deserve so much more than that. A guy that will fall for you hard and nothing like this will happen. If you love someone, you want them close to you, you look forward to the little moments and not try and avoid them, which he seems to.

 

Please don't settle for lukewarm when you can have everything.

[lala82]

You should end this relationship. What's the point to carry on with a relationship, which makes you miserable. I am sure you will find a better person, who will make you feel happy.

[OrchidRain]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess I know what I should do…It’s just so hard. And the more we keep talking, he makes it sound like the only thing he has going for him is us. I am trying to take myself out of the situation and see it for what it really is and when I hear that, I’m not sure if it’s true or if it’s a trick or a guilt trip to get me to stay. And even thinking that I feel awful.

 

We fought a few days ago and he asked me when I would have an answer (as far as what is happening with us) and I didn’t know what to say. I took this time apart because I feel like I need it. I’m different when I’m around him. I’m quieter and reserved - I’m not myself. And I want to reconnect with that and do a little self discovery and I just can’t do that around him. He keeps saying that if that is what I need to do he’ll support me and give me time, but is he? It doesn’t feel like it.

 

@lordWilhelm – We have talked about it at length. He was seriously hurt by a past girlfriend. They got engaged young and she cheated on him a lot. He keeps defaulting back to this. Or I can’t tell you because I’m not there yet. He says he has so many other things on his mind that he has a hard time quieting them to get to that feeling. Or something. None of his “reasons” (they’re only “excuses” when they come out of my mouth…) make any sense to me. If it’s the ex, that was like six years ago. If it’s a comfort thing, it’s been four years! How are you not comfortable? He even mentioned once that this is my state (he came here for school), not his, and that’s why I’m so comfortable here and he isn’t. Really?

 

 

Honestly, I didn’t want to make any serious life changing decisions for the rest of this year. I need a break to clear my head. I’m really confused and I need to find myself and figure out what really makes me happy, where I want to go and all that. I just graduated college and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. And I feel like I need to figure it out on my own.

 

This pressure is making me just want to break up with him, and six people all told me the same thing. I just wish it didn’t have to be like this.

 

 

We clicked so well, what happened?

[Gradschooler]

We clicked so well, what happened?

 

Life, changes, people growing up etc etc. Sad but true. Hurts like hell!

[OrchidRain]

So, I finally bit the bullet and did it. I called him and told him how I was feeling and broke up with him. He told me this isn’t what he wants but he knows it’s my decision. And though he has been trying harder to be better and more compassionate, it isn’t enough.

 

My anger towards the whole situation --especially the ‘L’ word problem (he’s never said it to me, in four years!) and how he couldn’t even cuddle with me or anything to show me in a way I would translate into that feeling, even after I told him how it would make me feel better-- has turned far worse than I really thought. I’ve taken myself out of the situation enough to see how resentful I have become. I don’t want to be, I love him very much, but I’ve been so hurt for so long…I don’t know how else to explain it other than resentful. And a little numb.

 

I didn’t get on LS to complain. I have a problem, still.

 

When I broke up with him, I told him I’ve had a great time with him and I really do love him but I just can’t do it anymore. Right as we are about to get off the phone, I apologized again and told him one more time that I do love him (it actually felt a little good to finally be able to say it out loud) and he told me, “I love you too.”

 

This crushed me! Part of me even thought I imagined it!! Though part of me was a little glad to finally hear it, more of me is angry. Ridiculously angry. Is this sincere? Did he want to tell me at least once in case I never call to take him back? Or is it what I’m surer of, a manipulation to get me to stay.