smk Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 (edited) Sorry titled it wrong - the title should read "need some pearls of wisdom from the veterans" - sorry guys... So here I am, making the effort, taking steps, falling down and picking myself up again and keep moving on... She broke it off 8 weeks ago, gave me her reasons and we left it at that... I had a million unanswered questions, that I only she could answer, and I never did get the answer... I didn't go NC from day one and when I eventually did I broke it after 3.5 weeks and met her, meeting was brief and amicable, and I went with no expectations, broke it again, still feel fine.... Started seeing a therapist, identified things that I needed to work on myself, and am doing things to deal with those.... I can feel that I am making slow progress, still having the odd burst of anxiety, still get the feeling of crying, but I am starting to look at life through a different perspective... I force myself to laugh and portray the image of someone who is happy... Each day is a different day in terms of the emotional roller coaster, and I just ride them as they come, I let out the anger when it comes, I face the sadness when it comes, I laugh when I feel the need to, and I cry when I need to... I am working out, trying to keep my days busy and have finally gotten on the wagon with a firm commitment to stay there and have attached a goal to it too... Yet now most times I can't seem to feel anything but an emptiness and hollowness where I once had joy, I feel I am nearing the end of mourning my loss, yet it fills me with dread that once that stage comes I won't have anything left to do... Sure I am meeting people, running, keeping busy, but yet I feel like something is missing, something that once I held so close seems to be fading away and it's scaring the crap out of me... Is this normal??? What is this??? I see a very faint glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel yet I seem to want to stay in the darkness, it feels like a safer place.... Edited August 10, 2010 by smk
Lost Fish Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I feel I am nearing the end of mourning my loss, yet it fills me with dread that once that stage comes I won't have anything left to do... This is good! It is a different kind of empty. One with hope - like a clean glass in a restaurant. It's been through the scalding hot wash, but now it's clean and ready to be filled again (strange analogy, I know, but it works). The reason you are feeling guilty about letting go of the pain as you work to get over her (good job by the way dude), is because it's really all that's left of your relationship. But you don't have to carry that pain. It's only holding you back. One thing I find when I look back to times when I know I was miserable about some girl is "God, I can't believe I was beating myself up about her so bad... she was so not good for me.." That light at the end of your tunnel is nothing but clarity. Just keep doing the next right thing - and you seem to be doing that already. Stay stong man. I'm getting better each day as well.
HopeLove Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I feel absolutely the same as you do. I think this is a sign we are starting to move on but we feared two things: one, that maybe although we think we are moving on, that we are not and will feel again this terrible pain and two, that we are afraid of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of not feeling again these emotions we felt with our ex. But we wont know until we will be there. If we don't allow our future to be a good one, it will never be one. I know, all this is easier said than putting into practise, but we should try, some days harder than others and in the mean time accept the support of the others.
Author smk Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 @ LF - yeah I guess it makes sense that I seem to be holding onto what ever little remnants I can off the relationship and because now the pain seems to be the only thing left I seem to be clinging onto it... It's just that it's this one thing that seems to scare me the most, as hope said it seems to be the fear of the unknown, yet I had that unknown for most of my life so I don't seem to understand why I am so scared of facing it.... Hope - good to hear and makes me feel better hearing that we are making progress and I guess what you say is right - we are clinging on to the last bits of pain because it seems to be easier than facing the unknown.... Wow well this is another set of emotions to overcome... Hey each day teaches us something new....
quankanne Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I think this is a sign we are starting to move on but we feared two things: one, that maybe although we think we are moving on, that we are not and will feel again this terrible pain and two, that we are afraid of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of not feeling again these emotions we felt with our ex. very well said, HL – when you're at this kind of crossroads in your life, or you're just as far in as you are out (Anna Nalick!), it becomes a time for fear because of the unknown. But you've still got to take that chance. Maybe it means meeting someone else, but more likely it means learning how to truly be comfortable in your own skin so that you understand that those periods of being alone are simply opportunities to reinvent yourself. because as much as you loved that other person, he/she is not who you are ... move past that fear, embrace what you have so that when you DO find the one you're meant to be with, you can share it with that person.
Author smk Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 Wow - ok thank you - what movie is that??? I have to watch it....
Feelin Frisky Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 ,,,Is this normal??? What is this???.... Can't say if it's normal but it's admirable. You are experiening heart-break. One has to have a heart in the first place to feel this. Not everyone does (in the figurative sense). I'm affraid heart-break is a wound that never completely heals. Time and new experience just make it seem smaller. Sounds like you're doing the right things to try not to well-up and be totally consumed by this separation grief and disappointment that it didn't or couldn't work out. Totally been there. Keep your chin up.
cookie2 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Yet now most times I can't seem to feel anything but an emptiness and hollowness where I once had joy Yeah I get that too. Sometimes I just feel nothing at all, even when talking to friends. It's like I have no empathy for other people. I guess it's just a stage though, there is now a big hole where there used to be thoughts of my ex in those situations.
Author smk Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 @ frisky - yeah I keep on reading my signature out loud to myself... Lol... And I guess what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger... Yeah she is my first love first real relationship, I guess these one haunt you for life huh... @ cookie - yeah I can be having a conversation sometimes and even though I am physically there it's like I am not... I spoke to my therapist about this and she said that it's something to do with ms distancing myself and looking at things from a different perspective or something along those lines....
silic0ntoad Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I remember this stage, it's the up and down all day phase... Look, man, you gotta get a grip on your emotions. Recognize and organize them. Compartmentalize all of them. Break your feelings down and eliminate them one at a time. Tough to do? Yes. Impossible? No. I've been there. I tread the same path. I became a guy the old me would have kicked the **** out of. I was pathetic, pining, leeching and grovelling because I got left behind. Guess what? You're only left behind if you allow yourself to be left behind. Otherwise, you've got bright horizons ahead of you. Just think of this phase as a coccoon. It's crushing you, but soon enough, you'll rip it to pieces and become someone altogether different, though the core of your being will remain.
mickleb Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I love this pearl from the great lady herself (in it she refers to her alter ego, 'Xena' ): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2455704&postcount=17 x
cookie2 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Yeah she is my first love first real relationship, I guess these one haunt you for life huh... To be honest, nope not for me! This is my 2nd. My first was 9 years, though we never got married and to be honest it was quite an unhealthy relationship. It hurt at the time it ended, but 6 months later I met STBXW and pretty soon my ex faded into distant memory. Now 4 years later I am not even thinking about the first one, apart from going through the same stages. This time I am doing things a lot better though.
DenverBachelor Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 There are no words or pieces of advice that anyone can give you that will trump what time alone will do to help you. Stay firm, resolute and determined in your goals. Know that life isn't always fair, but we are men just the same. And as time makes you stronger and her more confused, it will be her that will utter the words Hamlet once spoke, "He was a man, take him for all in all, I shall not look upon his like again."
JRoy Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 The only encouragement I can offer is what I have been reading on LS. What others are going through. And what others are offering. Words of encouragement. Trying to live one foot in front the other. These are called 'foot prayers'. Doing the next right thing in front of you. My mother used to say "everything will look better in the morning" and "where there's life, there's hope. Just a little more distance between you the the pain. Time does heal all wounds. I just tend to be impatient. Reading your story, helps me work my way through mine.
Author smk Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 @ DB - Yeah just have to make sure I dont lose my focus which is ME.... Now seeing her confused that would truly be a site to see... @ ROY - Thank you Roy - as you and everyone else says time does heal all wounds - albeit there may be some that scar us for a lifetime while others vanish completely.
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