Ms. Red Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 How do some of you hang in there with those that keep repeatedly putting themselves in a position for failure? We have posters that post about how they are fed up with the lies and bull$hit and "this is it for sure this time....I am done!" But then they post about the continuing affair or show up weeks later to say they took the AP back and got screwed over again. We had a member that I really liked and it took him so long to finally see the light and be done with his MW. He would post that he was done and then he'd post a few days or weeks later about a problem in the affair. I got to where I'd just read his first post and no further because I couldn't stand to see him put himself in a position for more pain. I felt any advice would fall on deaf ears and what we told him didn't matter. You guys hung in there with him and he finally stopped the affair for good it seems. But, I wonder how you do it? Don't you ever feel like beating your head against the wall? I can't even post to them anymore because they will do what they want regardless of what we advise them. I still have an urge to post to them but I don't think they would like what I had to say.
bentnotbroken Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 How do some of you hang in there with those that keep repeatedly putting themselves in a position for failure? We have posters that post about how they are fed up with the lies and bull$hit and "this is it for sure this time....I am done!" But then they post about the continuing affair or show up weeks later to say they took the AP back and got screwed over again. We had a member that I really liked and it took him so long to finally see the light and be done with his MW. He would post that he was done and then he'd post a few days or weeks later about a problem in the affair. I got to where I'd just read his first post and no further because I couldn't stand to see him put himself in a position for more pain. I felt any advice would fall on deaf ears and what we told him didn't matter. You guys hung in there with him and he finally stopped the affair for good it seems. But, I wonder how you do it? Don't you ever feel like beating your head against the wall? I can't even post to them anymore because they will do what they want regardless of what we advise them. I still have an urge to post to them but I don't think they would like what I had to say. :lmao::lmao:Yes! Everytime I think "that's it, this is so stupid. I could be stepping in front of speeding truck right now and accomplish more". Then I get a PM or email. The guide for me are those pm's/emails. If there is something that they don't feel comfortable saying in open posting, but took the time to ask a question...it means there is still hope. God didn't give up on me(thank you!), so I do not have the right to give up on them. Even when they make me want to crap a brick.
jennie-jennie Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 That is why I always try to be receptive at where the poster is at. The power of love is so strong, it is very hard to end an extramarital relationship when you are still in love. Preaching NC as the only alternative usually is to no avail. Better to meet the poster where he/she is at and offer support from there. If the relationship is due to end, it will end when the time is right. NC prematurely and ultimatums not kept only makes the poster's situation worse.
pureinheart Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Hi MR, It used to be frustrating, and this goes for any R. Then I went through it, and now I understand...I understand the frustration of the advisor and the advisee. As the advisor I would suggest major patience coupled with the ability to detach in order to maintain the R with the advisee.
piscis Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 (edited) I am from Mexico City. I have not found a site like this in my country. The nice thing of this for me is that no matter what I do, no matter if I drop with the same stone 100 times someone will give me advice. I can always turn on my computer and write about what my heart is feeling or my head is thinking. I always have different poinst of view of people from another country, from another background, from another age, culture, etc.. So my guess is lots of who post here are trying very hard to overcome whatever our issue is and I would really like to write 2 or 3 times and then have it all clear but it is not that simple, it's in some cases like stop smoking, or stop drinking, it is hard and having this site makes it less harder. So may this post let me thank everyone who has not given up on me Edited August 10, 2010 by piscis
OM1 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I agree with piscis. While I do a lot more writing than reading, it helps SO much to be able to find folks to relate to. I know I've made the same mistake 100 times. That's why I'm here. I want the good people on this forum to remind me of what I already know. God BLESS them for continuing to beat their heads against the wall. Because I have hope that someday I will be like them, and will be able to be an advice-giver too. I WANT to be like them. I SO want this to be in my past, and not be part of my present.
Fieldsofgold Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Once upon a time, a very long time ago, I was "hopelessly" in love, in a very destructive relationship. It was with my H, but that doesn't really matter, to my mind. I know how hard it is to extract oneself from such an addictive, destructive, powerful force. I remember how hard it was to survive it. I remember how desperately I needed friends and support, even if it had been nameless strangers, with different beliefs, in another country, posting online. When I feel like banging my head against the wall, I just take a deep breath, and remember.
bentnotbroken Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Once upon a time, a very long time ago, I was "hopelessly" in love, in a very destructive relationship. It was with my H, but that doesn't really matter, to my mind. I know how hard it is to extract oneself from such an addictive, destructive, powerful force. I remember how hard it was to survive it. I remember how desperately I needed friends and support, even if it had been nameless strangers, with different beliefs, in another country, posting online. When I feel like banging my head against the wall, I just take a deep breath, and remember. Yes, I remember.
pureinheart Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I agree with piscis. While I do a lot more writing than reading, it helps SO much to be able to find folks to relate to. I know I've made the same mistake 100 times. That's why I'm here. I want the good people on this forum to remind me of what I already know. God BLESS them for continuing to beat their heads against the wall. Because I have hope that someday I will be like them, and will be able to be an advice-giver too. I WANT to be like them. I SO want this to be in my past, and not be part of my present. (((((((((OM)))))))))) It will be, you just spoke it into existance, now it will manifest...just let it the best you can((((((((((()))))))))))
pureinheart Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I do so admire the people in this forum, wow...and this thread brought many tears to my eyes...
hopesndreams Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 It's only human to have to be told something a million times in order for it to sink in.
OM1 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 (((((((((OM)))))))))) It will be, you just spoke it into existance, now it will manifest...just let it the best you can((((((((((())))))))))) Thanks for the encouragement. I need lots of it today.
Author Ms. Red Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 Thank you all for your responses. I am all ready looking at it differently. I will write more later but have family over today. They stepped out for a bit and I was able to log on and read this. Will write more later....
piscis Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 FF Great post!! I have been in an internal battle between "knowing" and "doing" your words really cover the way I feel right now. Thanks for sharing
Silly_Girl Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I stayed and stayed and stayed. 8 painful, wasted, sorrowful years. But I wasn't ready until I was ready. And once I was ready - wow!!! I grabbed life and I loved every second. Lived every day like it could be my last. I laughed and I spread love and happiness to friends and family. It was as though I had got religion. I had my life back and it was the happiest time of my life in many ways. I think of those 'repeat offenders' as being in those dark days where I've been. When everyone saw the truth and I didn't. Friends and family continued to support me and (apart from one) none turned their back. Thank god. Their time will come, and they may be just one night, week, month or decade from turning that corner from the dark in to the light. No matter how far, they still need support.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 How do we stay? I remember when I was an OW. I remember the same advice being given to me. It made me push the envelope, it made me test his words with his actions. It made me strong and rebellious. (Imagine that.) It made me raise my expectations and not accept less. It made me confident in myself. I stay to help others. I don't think it is all black and white. But I do think that people no mater their marital status stop lying to themselves and accept that the person they love is flawed. We are all, aren't we? GEL
sadintexas Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 (edited) That is why I always try to be receptive at where the poster is at. The power of love is so strong, it is very hard to end an extramarital relationship when you are still in love. Preaching NC as the only alternative usually is to no avail. Better to meet the poster where he/she is at and offer support from there. If the relationship is due to end, it will end when the time is right. NC prematurely and ultimatums not kept only makes the poster's situation worse. I agree with the exception of encouraging NC. Realistically people are going to do what they want to do. I know when I came here, most of what people said to me fell on deaf ears...but, the words I read here and didn't want to believe at the time did come back to me when I needed them. They served as a guide that I believe helped me end something sooner rather than later. I remember how hard it was to feel the things I felt while in an A. There is pain and disappointment standing right beside the euphoria. They go hand in hand and you have to deal with both simultaneously. Not many people can truly understand that unless they've been there. That's the main reason why I come back and post. It does get frustrating sometimes, but knowing how conflicted I became during my A, I guess I can understand the propensity to waffle. The secondary reason I post is because it still helps me through some of my own issues. It's not for purely altruistic reasons . Edited August 11, 2010 by sadintexas
BB07 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Thank you for starting this excellent thread Ms. Red. I think the advice-offerers here give of themselves, over and over, despite the frustration, because they know like no one else how it feels to be in these situations. They too know that because people have made it this far (to this forum), then they have taken the first step to knowing that something has to change. But there is a large disparity between 'knowing' what the right thing to do is, and actually doing it. It requires people to see beyond the pain of giving up on the person they love, however destructive the relationship, and having faith that there is a better future. It's difficult to believe that the future can be better when the immediate pain is obscuring it. It's so much easier to "keep on keepin' on" and somehow hope it will work out. It means more than you know, to have total strangers take their own valuable time and offer support and advice and hope. For these people are the only ones who really do understand. Really great post.......FF! Especially the bolded part.
Ellin Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 How do some of you hang in there with those that keep repeatedly putting themselves in a position for failure? We have posters that post about how they are fed up with the lies and bull$hit and "this is it for sure this time....I am done!" But then they post about the continuing affair or show up weeks later to say they took the AP back and got screwed over again. We had a member that I really liked and it took him so long to finally see the light and be done with his MW. He would post that he was done and then he'd post a few days or weeks later about a problem in the affair. I got to where I'd just read his first post and no further because I couldn't stand to see him put himself in a position for more pain. I felt any advice would fall on deaf ears and what we told him didn't matter. You guys hung in there with him and he finally stopped the affair for good it seems. But, I wonder how you do it? Don't you ever feel like beating your head against the wall? I can't even post to them anymore because they will do what they want regardless of what we advise them. I still have an urge to post to them but I don't think they would like what I had to say. If you try to offer emotional help, you're placing yourself in a position of a therapist of a sort. There are a few healthy rules a therapist needs to adhere to. One such rule is no to be attached to the outcome. Another is to "get yourself out of the way". This is when you can be most helpful.
Ellin Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 That is why I always try to be receptive at where the poster is at. The power of love is so strong, it is very hard to end an extramarital relationship when you are still in love. Preaching NC as the only alternative usually is to no avail. Better to meet the poster where he/she is at and offer support from there. If the relationship is due to end, it will end when the time is right. NC prematurely and ultimatums not kept only makes the poster's situation worse. Very wise words (the bolded and the whole post).
Author Ms. Red Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Sorry I can't address you all. I'll do my best to respond. Been busy and unable to respond sooner. I also composed this over several hours since RL pulled me away from my puter. That also gave me time to think it through more. :lmao::lmao:Yes! Every time I think "that's it, this is so stupid. I could be stepping in front of speeding truck right now and accomplish more". Then I get a PM or email. The guide for me are those pm's/emails. If there is something that they don't feel comfortable saying in open posting, but took the time to ask a question...it means there is still hope. God didn't give up on me(thank you!), so I do not have the right to give up on them. Even when they make me want to crap a brick. So you feel the same way but realize it's worth it when you see the effect you have on them. Also like you, God didn't give up on me. If he had, I believe I wouldn't be here today. That is why I always try to be receptive at where the poster is at. The power of love is so strong, it is very hard to end an extramarital relationship when you are still in love. Preaching NC as the only alternative usually is to no avail. Better to meet the poster where he/she is at and offer support from there. If the relationship is due to end, it will end when the time is right. NC prematurely and ultimatums not kept only makes the poster's situation worse. I agree Jennie. I have often wondered if some actually institute NC prematurely against their feelings only because they cave to the pressure of the preachers to go NC. Only to have to come back pleading for posters to go easy on them and not bash them because they broke NC and are back where they previously were. Hi MR, It used to be frustrating, and this goes for any R. Then I went through it, and now I understand...I understand the frustration of the advisor and the advisee. As the advisor I would suggest major patience coupled with the ability to detach in order to maintain the R with the advisee. I think that's the problem. I've never been through it. So my guess is lots of who post here are trying very hard to overcome whatever our issue is and I would really like to write 2 or 3 times and then have it all clear but it is not that simple, it's in some cases like stop smoking, or stop drinking, it is hard and having this site makes it less harder. I get it when it is put this way. I don't want to sound apathetic; I guess I have a hard time understanding that mind frame. I think it's because when I decide to end a relationship, I just end it and don't look back. I've never had anyone break up with me. (Well, once and I knew it was what should be.) I feel happy and free and have no regrets after a breakup. Even after I told my husband to move out 4 year ago, I only cried about it once. And that was one night when I got real drunk and he had a nasty attitude that came on suddenly. How do we stay? I remember when I was an OW. I remember the same advice being given to me. It made me push the envelope, it made me test his words with his actions. It made me strong and rebellious. (Imagine that.) It made me raise my expectations and not accept less. It made me confident in myself. I stay to help others. I don't think it is all black and white. But I do think that people no mater their marital status stop lying to themselves and accept that the person they love is flawed. We are all, aren't we? GEL Yes! That is what I like to see. I'll try to keep that in mind when I post in the future. I just hate to see ppl let themselves be taken advantage of and be hurt.
Author Ms. Red Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 So after some thoughts after composing the above things I wrote I realized this thread has made me look back on one relationship that kinda parallels the ones in this forum. It was with the love of my life. Though he was (and he still holds that title) the love of my life, it was an abusive relationship. The good times were the best and most surreal feeling of being on top of the world and he and I could take on the world. But the lows were the lowest I ever experienced with anyone to date. When he would hurt me, I did the typical thing and blamed myself. I felt that I instigated him and should have stopped it before he got violent. Even after several incidents of abuse I still moved out of my parents home and into an apartment with him when I was 19. Everyone thought I was crazy to do so. And, his pattern of abuse continued and I justified and excused it. So, I'm thinking that had forums and the Internet been available back then, I may have been one of those posters that I described in my opening post. I understand it now thanks to you all that responded. I want to thank you for helping me see it from your point of view. I totally get it now. I will have a different frame of mind in the future while visiting this forum. Once again thank you all for opening my eyes to see that I'm not much different than those I thought I didn't understand.
fooled once Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 :lmao::lmao:Yes! Everytime I think "that's it, this is so stupid. I could be stepping in front of speeding truck right now and accomplish more". Then I get a PM or email. The guide for me are those pm's/emails. If there is something that they don't feel comfortable saying in open posting, but took the time to ask a question...it means there is still hope. God didn't give up on me(thank you!), so I do not have the right to give up on them. Even when they make me want to crap a brick. Totally agree!!!!
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