Exit Affairs

[OWoman]

In another thread, someone posted:

 

I believe men are EXACTLY where they want to be.

 

I know of a few exit affairs, and those men had moved out and filed for D within MONTHS of meeting their new partner.

 

Yet here on LS, most of those As where the OW and MM landed up together ran for substantially longer (I think the average was about 3 years - there are historic threads that will have the details).

 

Is this discrepancy the result of one poster having a skewed sample completely unrepresentative of As where the MM leaves and lands up with the OW? Are posters on LS the "lunatic fringe" whose stories bear no resemblance to the outside world? Or are there other possible explanations, such as:

 

* outsiders only becoming aware of the A shortly before the MM leaves, creating the view that it lasted considerably less time than the participants are aware of it lasting;

 

* different understandings of "exit As" - with some posters considering only those As where the MM uses the A to escape the M, and then moves on (without the OW) as exit As, and other posters considering ANY A which sees the MM leaving the M as an exit A, whether or not he ends up with the OW (ie not necessarily using the A just to escape the M - possibly leaving "for the OW")?

 

* posters choosing to remember and cite "facts" that back up their own perspectives, rather than represent a fuller picture more accurately?

[JustJoe]

So what would a generally accepted definition of an "exit affair", be? My own definition would be, any affair entered into by a WS, who regards the M as already over, regardless of the legality and regardless of any future relationship with the OP. Others might have a different outlook.

Edited August 10, 2010 by JustJoe

[jwi71]

Yet here on LS, most of those As where the OW and MM landed up together ran for substantially longer (I think the average was about 3 years - there are historic threads that will have the details).

 

This comment has no bearing to the above I quoted but I wonder how anyone knows if an A is an exit A? Or, does it become an exit A after they leave and until then it is a regular A? See what I'm what saying?

 

So...for the average of 3 years it was a normal A until he left and it became an exit A? Or was it an exit A that took three years to actually leave?

 

* outsiders only becoming aware of the A shortly before the MM leaves, creating the view that it lasted considerably less time than the participants are aware of it lasting;

 

I like this. I suspect, and no, no "research to support it, that this is very close to the truth.

 

* different understandings of "exit As" - with some posters considering only those As where the MM uses the A to escape the M, and then moves on (without the OW) as exit As, and other posters considering ANY A which sees the MM leaving the M as an exit A, whether or not he ends up with the OW (ie not necessarily using the A just to escape the M - possibly leaving "for the OW")?

 

Why would an exit A NOT be exit A if he later dumps the OW?

Isn't the definition of an exit A...well, actually, what IS an exit A?

 

* posters choosing to remember and cite "facts" that back up their own perspectives, rather than represent a fuller picture more accurately?

 

Oh come on now OWoman...everyone does this - and not just on message boards...(haven't you ever seen "Meet the Press" )

[Confused4Now]

So what would a generally accepted definition of an "exit affair", be? My own definition would be, any affair entered into by a WS, who regards the M as already over, regardless of the legality and regardless of any future relationship with the OP. Others might have a different outlook.

I considered my A as a Exit A...went through the whole divorce proceeding knowing very well that I could be by myself. That was the case with my situation. I've been technically final for 14 months after a ugly 16 month divorce process. I can say when you've come out of a 21 year marriage...there is a lot of work that needs to be done with all the ugly baggage. Looking back if my xMW had come to me right away...I'm not so certain if we'd be together today. So in a way...I'm glad it turned out the way it did.

 

I have no ill feelings at all....I really wanted out of my marriage and xMW was really the catalyst that got it started. I really do have her to thank for it.

[HappyAtLast]

I also believe that my affair would have been considered an exit affair. Marriage was over, waiting for last child to leave in a few months. I met my affair partner earlier that year.

[NoIDidn't]

Exit affairs are called such because they are usually used by the MP to get out of the marriage.

 

They don't last longer than 6 to 12 months on average. These are the MPs that meet the OP and immediately leave the marriage and don't look back, whether they stay with the OP or not.

 

An affair longer than one year is NOT considered an exit affair.

[SidLyon]

Exit affairs are called such because they are usually used by the MP to get out of the marriage.

 

They don't last longer than 6 to 12 months on average. These are the MPs that meet the OP and immediately leave the marriage and don't look back, whether they stay with the OP or not.

 

An affair longer than one year is NOT considered an exit affair.

 

I agree.

 

In a prior relationship I had an exit affair. I had the affair and left the relationship. I did not end up with my AP. In fact the A did not survive the "exit" and I knew it wouldn't. There was no deception, dishonesty or sneaking around and lying to my boyfriend at the time.

 

Basically my relationship with my boyfriend went for 4.5 years. He cheated on the eve of my 18th birthday party (that's how young I was). He (my first) had been having a relationship with yet another woman for several months, at the time I cheated. We broke up immediately I cheated.

 

I never lied to my then-boyfriend not even by omission. I have never been the OW, but I do know what an exit affair is, and someone who carries on an A for months/years while lying and deceiving is not having an exit affair by my definition of it. I expect that what happens in the less usual case where a MP does leave, is something like in OWoman's situation, where the A becomes something more or "morphs" into a full-time relationship so the MP leaves the marriage.

[White Flower]

Exit affairs are called such because they are usually used by the MP to get out of the marriage.

 

They don't last longer than 6 to 12 months on average. These are the MPs that meet the OP and immediately leave the marriage and don't look back, whether they stay with the OP or not.

 

An affair longer than one year is NOT considered an exit affair.

My friend had an exit affair, then M her affair partner. They just had a baby.

 

I don't believe all exit affairs end in a breakup. I just think they're the catalyst that helps them through the D.

 

I never looked at my A as an exit A but I think I do now. I was not happy in my M and always thought about D, but never took one step except MC and self-help books to get the D started. I finally felt the courage to file after meeting MM. I do thank God I had him to get me through it...whether I ended up with him or not.

 

I just saw the bolded part. Is this chronicled anywhere? Because based on what I just said I guess I'd have to disagree. Unless you would say that my 'exit affair' morphed into a regular affair?

Edited August 11, 2010 by White Flower

[NoIDidn't]

My friend had an exit affair, then M her affair partner. They just had a baby.

 

I don't believe all exit affairs end in a breakup. I just think they're the catalyst that helps them through the D.

 

I never looked at my A as an exit A but I think I do now. I was not happy in my M and always thought about D, but never took one step except MC and self-help books to get the D started. I finally felt the courage to file after meeting MM. I do thank God I had him to get me through it...whether I ended up with him or not.

 

I just saw the bolded part. Is this chronicled anywhere? Because based on what I just said I guess I'd have to disagree. Unless you would say that my 'exit affair' morphed into a regular affair?

 

Your exit affair was an exit out of your marriage for you. Your R with him continued as an affair because of his marriage at that point, not yours. You ended your marriage, he did not. You used it to end your marriage, he did not.

 

I've seen it written that an Exit Affair is 6 months to 2 years in duration and occur in marriages of less than 12 years. I've also seen it written that the duration of Exit Affairs is 6 to 12 months, without the duration of the marriage it ends added to it.