I want her back so bad!

[silvertongue84]

Hey guys,

 

A young 25yo newbie here who needs some worldy wisdom and advise on how to win my ex back please!!

 

I was originally in a long relationship for 7 years living with someone and she broke up with me after I cheated on her, I coped pretty well and met my most current girl a few months after.

 

Sparks flew straight away and we hit it off, the kind of scenario where we just wanted to see each other all the time, I was a good looking, cheeky confident chap that kept her on her toes and she was funny down to earth and loving.

 

Following the previous breakup there were a lot of debt, house and unresolved issues I should of dealt with but instead I threw myself straight back into love.

 

Shortly after meeting the new girl we moved in, and once again probably moved to fast. What I know clearly is that she is a little insecure and jelous but loved me very very much and would love to spend every waking moment with me.

 

We done a lot of new things together and I introduced her to new experiences and changed her mind and made her want a family which deep down inside I wanted to. And I also did a lot of sweet things for her too.

 

My probelm is that with my background, no family etc i didnt open up to her in the way that I should and showed my feelings for her in the way that I should of. I dismised her questions of wondering if we would get married etc you know all the cheesy things with cool, dismissive answers.

 

I felt at the time though she was extremely suffocating and hard work in a way that I had never experienced. She required constant reassurance, attention, touch sex etc.

 

Normally I would be the extremely high sexed one but even I didnt want it that much and she pursued me even more.

 

We argued a lot and I felt like I needed space and i would constantly say that this was a nightmare and that it couldnt go on like this. Eventually after one argument I told her I wanted to leave and took somethings and left, she was very distraught and upset at this.

 

However the next day I phoned and went back to our home and really opened up to her in away she admitted that I hadnt, she wasnt in a good frame of mind but she advised me she needed to go out that night and spend time with her friend we slept together before she left and I felt things were mended.

 

However that night I had a gut feeling for the first time in the relationship and decided I would "Be Sweet" and pick them up from the local nightclub she was at. I waited and waited and nothing, no answer to txts or call eventually she answered normally and told me she was already home.

 

I confessed that I had decided to "Be Sweet lol" and pick her up and she basically made out like I must of missed her. Knowing I hadnt I began interrogating over the phone whilst still outside the venue to trick the truth out her. I asked may questions i.e was it busy, how much to get in cause I will go check, did you get your hand stampd etc which she answered but I knew she was lieing to me so I told her I was comming home and hung up.

 

I recieved a txtd shortly after from her admitting to lying sayin she was just with her friend spending sometime thinking an that she wanted to make out like she was having a good time.

 

This was out of character and I have always been easy going and she knows I would have cared where she was etc so there was no need for her lie. I slept in the spare room and could not get over the fact that this girl who loved me so much had lied to me and that I would never know what truly happened.

 

I packed my things and it was over, I left and was angry and feeling like I had did the right thing. Calls and texts where full of anger back and forward to each other with her turning it around and saying I pushed her to lying an that I didnt treat her the way I should of and that I didnt even want to sleep with her except on a sunday lol

 

Weeks went by and we would argue then try and make up I we would arrange dates to meet up but she would change them at the last minute and put them off which drove me crazy and the lie still lay bitter with me.

 

We would meet up and go a walk and open up but she would be cold with me clearly not her normal self. I managed to arrange to stay the night with her where we slept together but she was to busy on her newly found hobby of her new laptop and Facebook profile which she never had before or had an interested in and drove me to insanity over when I did it when we were together.

 

I came to stay again the next night as soon as I arrived she was on the laptop having a private convo with someone, I wanted to see the convo like she would pester me when I did it but now she had one she obv understood the privacy I wanted when we were together (she recently just discovered the joys of internet and facebook). This wasnt making up so I left unhappily on a bad note.

 

Since then she really made me change and look into myself for my faults which I did and really wanted to rectify because now I wanted her back bad, but after making me do this and her seeing that I was sorry and that I wanted to change and treat her special always she turned the tables round saying she was confused and didnt know any more and that she needed time.

 

This really started hurting me bad esp as I had no one I was very alone and it was dementing me. Her health seriously deteriorated with her loosing a lot of weight, having many bad ulcers headached etc she really wasnt well.

 

I would call n text her constantly which now I know was wrong but seriously now that I could see the way I wanted to treat her and I knew I could make her happy all I wanted to do was to show her. I would turn up at the flat wanting to rescue things like the movies but she would say she didnt want to see me or couldnt speak to me. As I was screaming out for help this hurt so much I would react with a nasty txt to her which In turn we would sway. I was seriously struggling without her and the fact that she didnt even want to see or speak to me... this girl who loved me soo much it was unbelievable.

 

I lost my job and was struggling bad to the point I had no money or food or petrol or credit to even call, Id try and scream out for her to care and help but she just didnt reply or care and this hurt even more.

 

I clearly didnt help that I would look on her facebook and pull her up when we spoke about going out and having fun when I was in such a bad bad way. She would say all I cared about was what I was going through but I advised that at least she had all her family and friends and had money and food which I didnt!

 

She would never answer to the question if she loved me or if she would take me back, she just didnt know and this drove me crazy in limbo not knowing what was going on and waiting just to hear from her. This was now roughly 5 weeks from breaking up.

 

On an occassion I waited outside the flay just to see her after her night out and she came in the next day hungover and looking like a tramp which hurt again she would even let me into the flat we shared, talk to me or answer whether she wanted me back, she was 50/50 or didnt know.

 

I know this behaviour is very stalkerish but she knows I would never harm her, I never have and we were always very reasonable normal people not bunnyboilers or nothing.

 

But at my recent lowest point Id speak to her on the phone and tell her that I just wanted to die and kill myself because things were so bad for me, she didnt care nobody really did she told me she didnt know what to say and that she would call me later but I told her not to bother and she hung up. I then left it days NC and she didnt try to contact me. So I followed up with calls and txts just wanting to know where I stould and she would answer until I finally wrote to her on facebook and she got back saying it was over and to sort my life out.

 

I went to her mum and sisters house at the weekend just because I was so low and wanted someone to speak to, they understood and could see I was in a mess now. After her mum calling her she said she was comming down and came to the house. After a little slaggin match back and forth, things finally calmed down and I appoligised and justified everything that I had done and why. She forgave me and when she left the room her mum advised me that she clearly still cared and was hurting bad but all I can see is her being cold and differednt. She know I normally dont get emotional or behave in this way and she could see I was sorry and wanted her back.

 

We had a nice calm chat where she advised again she didnt know if we would ever get back together just that It was over now, she advised she could see that I was sorry and wanted to make ammends and she couldnt answer if she still loved me.

 

We left it with me advising that i would not bother her again with calls or txts etc and I told her that I might write her to her mums, She told me to sort my life out. I gave her a hug and kiss and left.

 

I just feel so much pain and love inside and think of so manyways of showing her, it is so true that you "Dont know what you had until you lose it" although when I was with her I wanted to leave so bad, now I just think of spending every moment with her making her happy?? She clearly still isnt well and must love me so I dont understand why if she knows I would change she wont take me back?

 

It has been 2 days NC and I intend to try and keep it that way, I just feel like I dont want to lose her and that the longer it is the less chance of getting back together.

 

Can you please she a little light n offer some advise folks :)

 

X

[MutteringUrchin]

It's quite possible that you made the same mistake I did; made your post too long for most people to bother. I did read it all, however, as I know what it's like.

 

Our situations are rather similar, actually, apart from the cheating. *shakes head*.

 

From an honest point of view, it seems as though you're pushing/already pushed her away. Reasons being your constant cries to her for help. Guess what? She doesn't want to hear that. She has her own problems, no doubt, which she'd rather deal with or forget about without having to deal with yours. Harsh, but that's the truth.

 

If you want to get back into her life, you must first have one of your own. Don't try to prove that you have one, either; many people make that mistake. At this point, it sounds as though you should neither expect a relationship from her, nor anything else.

 

Let her know you care about her as a person. But try to leave it at that. Keep it brief and uninvolved. Distance yourself a tad. If she wants to take it further, the ball is in her court.

 

It'd be different if you hadn't done all of those things. Approaching her, taking grievance on Facebook, begging her for help, etc. was not the way to go. You have to be more independent.

 

I wish my problem was as simple as yours!

 

Hope it helped a tad.

[spyyder]

I read your REALLY long post because I understand your problem. I've been in a similar situation too, minus the cheating (its called KARMA buddy) and the life problems.

 

You must realize that she isn't your gf anymore, so don't expect anything more than what a stranger would do for you. Crying, asking for help, going to her mom, etc is just pushing her away. Our natural instincts is unfortunately stronger than love, and it's our natural instinct to be put off by a washout (currently, you).

 

THE ONLY WAY you can get your ex back is if she can see that your better off without her and that you ARE actually better than her. Woman eventually leave men that they consider undesirables (you) and go for the desirables (the romantic & caring guy driving the porsche that has everything). Right now your an undesirable to her, so you need to make yourself a desirable. Common bro, do you think any woman wants to get involved with a guy that doesn't have his life together.

 

You need to go full NC and, as your ex has said, get your life together. Pity isn't going to bring her back, but jealousy, envy and regret is.

Edited August 14, 2010 by spyyder

[Don Ho]

I see it a little differently. First you were confident and funny which attracted her. "I was a good looking, cheeky confident chap that kept her on her toes and she was funny down to earth and loving." As you moved along with her, you starting becoming more and more of a pussy. You got everything arse backwards; you waited to pick her up, you smothered her, you chased her. All that did was make her LOSE attraction for you. Get it? Then you kept pushing and pushing when you should have started acting like a MAN and pulled way, way back. Then you threw in the suicide line? WTF were you thinking? That is usually the end of your relationship. It is the ultimate manipulative, controlling, selfish maneuver you can make. It will CRUSH a woman's attraction towards you.

 

I don't know that you can get her back. You have to accept that as a possibility and go NC. You need to get back to being you. Remember what you said about yourself when you met her " I was a good looking, cheeky confident chap that kept her on her toes and she was funny down to earth and loving". THAT is attractive to a woman. So bro, you must go total NC and get back to being the man you were. At that point you may or may not get her back, but once you get back to your old self you will attract another equally great woman. Good luck!

[silvertongue84]

Hey so far so good still NC for over a week. I do keep in contact with her sister who I am still close with. Appartently things are starting to sink in with the ex she is still sad and crying a lot and beginning to realise I wasnt so bad after all and not all the mistakes were mine etc.

 

Advise from her sister is also NC and let her contact me as she suggests she will.

 

Fingers crossed. Pain still hurts like a biatch!

[Don Ho]

One week of NC ... great bro! Guess you didn't read what I wrote. LOL. Don't hold out hope that she will come back despite the fact that's she's upset. Continue NC. I would not discuss it with her sister, friend or not. It's better to not have a go between and better if the sister isn't saying anything about you. Like I said, either way you have to work on YOU bro and get back to being a confident, fun guy. Yes, it hurts like a biatch. It's no fun. I've been there as all of us here on LS have. Stay busy. Go out. Go work out. Go jogging. Exercise will do you good. Hang in there.