Ex GF called ..what do i do now?

[Roy_4u]

This is about the girl I am very deeply in love with and would give anything to get her back.

 

Here's my story (flashback)

 

My ex GF broke up with me on June 29 this year ...her main reason was that "i don't talk enough" and "she doesn't feel the chemistry anymore".

We had a pretty amicable break up ...I didn't beg or plead while breaking up. In fact I told her that I was okay ..that she is a great girl and the guy she ends up with is gonna be the luckiest guy in the whole world. She also said that she doesn't think we could take a step back and stay as friends ..I agreed with that too. She did not say that she doesn't want to maintain any contact.

 

However since that day I have not called her back or maintained any contact with her. Each day was like hell (but got better over time) ..I missed her terribly though.

 

Flash forward 40 days:

 

My patience and will power pays off. She calls me yesterday and left a brief voice message. I called her a couple of hours later. She says she called "just like that" to see how was doing and that she came to know that I had finally launched my own business and wanted to congratulate me. I thanked her ...told her a bit about my business, how I already had my first contract lined up and all the other things going on in my life that are keeping me busy.

I asked her how she was and she just said "oh, you know, the usual grind".

 

I didn't question her about what else is going on in her personal life (although i am pretty sure she is not dating). So then finally I thanked her again for calling to congratulate and said that it was nice to catch up ...and basically gave the indication that we should hang up now. So then we bid each other good nite and hung up. We really didn't talk about meeting again or anything like that. Our call lasted 5 minutes ...our average phone conversation used to be about 30 minutes while we were dating. Our break up call was 1 hour long.

 

So now I am confused ...I don't know whether she really called up to congratulate ..or if she had something else on her mind that she didn't get a chance to say. But the fact she called shows that she was at least "curious" to know how I was doing and had been thinking about me. Which is great ..coz i really do want her back.

 

I guess I don't know what should I do next ..should I wait for her to make another move? or should I make the next move - and if so when should be my next move and what should it be?

 

TIA

Roy

Edited August 10, 2010 by Roy_4u

[reservoirdog1]

DON'T make the next move. I'll explain why not.

 

Her reason for calling you could be one of a few things:

 

1. She wants you back.

2. She feels guilty about dumping you and wanted to assuage her guilt by satisfying herself that you're alright.

3. She was genuinely curious about how you're doing, as a friend.

 

Since the call lasted only five minutes, you don't have enough information to know which was her reason.

 

From your description, it sounds like you kept the conversation relatively light and friendly and not heavy or weepy. If so, that was the right approach.

 

If she does want you back, she'll be intrigued by the fact that your business is moving forward and by the fact that you sounded psyched about it. That's how you want her feeling. You want her to be second-guessing her decision to dump you, and thinking "wow, I'm surprised... I thought he'd still be devastated, sounds like he's got some good things happening in his life... why wasn't he more curious about me? Maybe I was too hasty."

 

Remember, attraction isn't a choice. You should conduct yourself in a way that makes you intriguing to her and thus reignites her attraction to you. Calling her and trying to convince her to give the two of you another chance won't help.

 

If she's having second thoughts, she'll contact you again. Guaranteed. And if she doesn't contact you again, you'll know she was just being friendly, and you'll have retained your self-respect and dignity and will be in no worse position than you are now.

 

Just my $0.02...

[Roy_4u]

Thanks Reservoir Dog! really appreciate the advice. Your style of writing somehow tells me that you're a pro at this and I am so grateful!

 

You are right - I made an effort to keep the conversation light and friendly. In fact in the last 40 days I have read almost every word of advice on the internet on what to do when your GF breaks up. That's how I learned about the "No Contact" rule and committed myself to it. I had lost all hope of her ever calling me back, but as time passed on I was glad that I managed to maintain my dignity and not cry or beg in front of her. I may even be at a point where I was almost getting over her - but then she calls and confuses me again. Darn!

 

Is it possible that even though she may have feelings for me, she still won't call me again to maintain her dignity? Coz honestly calling back me a second time would make her come across as "desperate".

She is (or has at least always appeared to be) the kind of girl who has a lot of self pride and chasing a guy is just not her thing. She is a true Scorpio!

 

I guess I still don't understand women well enough ...if there ever comes a point where they break their own rules.

[Don Ho]

Good job with the no contact bro and I agree with Resevoirdog. Don't start second guessing it. You've read about NC and I can tell you get it. Don't start rationalizing about she won't contact again, she's a Scorpio. Continue with your program, you're doing well.

[Roy_4u]

Thanks guys,

 

I want to be well prepared in case she calls again. Knowing her I highly doubt that she will open up to me blatantly and tell me that she wants me back.

 

Instead if she wants me back, I think she will use a more neutral approach. My best guesses are:

 

1. she calls me and says or indicates that she wants to be friends (even though she earlier herself said said that she doesn't think staying friends is a good idea)

 

2. She calls me and says she wants my help with something coz I'm the only one who can help her with this problem. I'm a multi-talented guy and have helped her a lot in the past with writing assignments, computer/technology problems, car troubles etc. So its possible that she may use something like this as an excuse to get closer to me.

 

My question is how do I react in either case? Keep in mind that I absolutely do want her back but I am not interested in being "just friends" with her. I want her all or none.

 

If she calls me again, should I try to pull further away and give the impression that I am busy/not interested? or should I give in?

 

Another strategy I have come across is that if you gf breaks up with you, you write her a thank you note a few days later and tell her that it was the right decision and you now see that breaking up was a good idea - to get her intrigued which ultimately leads to her having second thoughts. I haven't played his hand yet and given my situation I am not sure if I need to - it's kind of a risk - it could get her even more intrigued or it could misfire and she might get the idea that I have REALLY moved on and am trying to get her off my back.

 

Thoughts?

Edited August 12, 2010 by Roy_4u

[boltsfan17]

Since you want all or nothing, being friends with her really isn't a good idea. If she calls and that's what she now wants, wait a few days and then respond. Tell her you don't think that would be a good idea. You could ignore her as well, but I don't think that's necessary.

 

I don't think you should be there for her if she needs your help. She broke up with you and needs to realize that in doing so, you are no longer in her life. By not being there for her, maybe she will second guess her decision. I wouldn't get your hopes up though.

 

As far as sending her a note, I think you are beyond that now. Keep up with what you are doing sticking to NC.

[myloveis4ever]

"This is about the girl I am very deeply in love with and would give anything to get her back"

 

if u still respect her... be friends with her.. nothing more.... can u handle it? if u can--- be friend with her... if it doesn´t work go NC...

 

take care

[archivist]

I will follow this post with keen interest because i am in the same situation.

I was devastated but I maintained NC and she reconnected with me 2 months later. We met briefly and I kept things light and casual, since then shes contacted me again. Again the mood was light and fun but have not contacted her myself.

 

The difference between us is that as soon as she started snooping around and showed that she still cared for me I feel that it might be enough for me. I don't know if I want her back as much as I did before and if she wants to be friends I can see that happening later on (its still a bit early for me).

 

It doesn't hurt me so much when I think about her or when we talk. I will maintain NC on my side and if she brings up our past relationship i'll just see where this takes us.

[mohdhm]

DON'T make the next move. I'll explain why not.

 

Her reason for calling you could be one of a few things:

 

1. She wants you back.

2. She feels guilty about dumping you and wanted to assuage her guilt by satisfying herself that you're alright.

3. She was genuinely curious about how you're doing, as a friend.

 

Since the call lasted only five minutes, you don't have enough information to know which was her reason.

 

From your description, it sounds like you kept the conversation relatively light and friendly and not heavy or weepy. If so, that was the right approach.

 

If she does want you back, she'll be intrigued by the fact that your business is moving forward and by the fact that you sounded psyched about it. That's how you want her feeling. You want her to be second-guessing her decision to dump you, and thinking "wow, I'm surprised... I thought he'd still be devastated, sounds like he's got some good things happening in his life... why wasn't he more curious about me? Maybe I was too hasty."

 

Remember, attraction isn't a choice. You should conduct yourself in a way that makes you intriguing to her and thus reignites her attraction to you. Calling her and trying to convince her to give the two of you another chance won't help.

 

If she's having second thoughts, she'll contact you again. Guaranteed. And if she doesn't contact you again, you'll know she was just being friendly, and you'll have retained your self-respect and dignity and will be in no worse position than you are now.

 

Just my $0.02...

 

perfect advice

[Pbr1986]

Very similar situation to mine. How long were you guys together prior to the break up? Good job with the NC, I've been NC for 29 days and each day is adventure (over her, then I want her back, back and forth).

 

From what you wrote it sounds like she isn't over you. My brother is a Scorpio, I know how they act, very stubborn! I would follow the advice of reservoir, play it safe, don't show all your cards.

 

Good Luck!

[Roy_4u]

Very similar situation to mine. How long were you guys together prior to the break up? Good job with the NC, I've been NC for 29 days and each day is adventure (over her, then I want her back, back and forth).

 

From what you wrote it sounds like she isn't over you. My brother is a Scorpio, I know how they act, very stubborn! I would follow the advice of reservoir, play it safe, don't show all your cards.

 

Good Luck!

 

We know each other since Jan 2009, but I would say became emotionally involved since January this year ....or maybe it's just me who is a fool to think that we had something more than just a platonic relationship. Perhaps she didn't feel that way ..or maybe she wasn't sure if I was the right guy or not and kept stringing me along until she thought she was getting close to the "point of no return".

 

Well she hasn't called me back since I started this thread ..that was my last and only conversation with her since the breakup. I am trying to convince myself that its more or less over.

 

But good luck to you mate! I think NC is the right approach and you're doing well. The only thing I would say is that don't think of NC as a tactic to get her back .. instead use it to your own advantage to get over her. That should be your primary focus.

Try to meet as many women as you can during your NC. There is a saying in my native language (Hindi), which basically goes like "The pain given by one woman can only be eliminated by another"

[Pbr1986]

We know each other since Jan 2009, but I would say became emotionally involved since January this year ....or maybe it's just me who is a fool to think that we had something more than just a platonic relationship. Perhaps she didn't feel that way ..or maybe she wasn't sure if I was the right guy or not and kept stringing me along until she thought she was getting close to the "point of no return".

 

Well she hasn't called me back since I started this thread ..that was my last and only conversation with her since the breakup. I am trying to convince myself that its more or less over.

 

But good luck to you mate! I think NC is the right approach and you're doing well. The only thing I would say is that don't think of NC as a tactic to get her back .. instead use it to your own advantage to get over her. That should be your primary focus.

Try to meet as many women as you can during your NC. There is a saying in my native language (Hindi), which basically goes like "The pain given by one woman can only be eliminated by another"

Thanks! I've been with this girl for over 6 years. I guess I've been reading too many relationship guides that say to use no contact as a way to get her back.

 

She tried to re-establish contact a few times but I never made the effort to speak to her. I was thinking the next time she tries to re-establish contact I will talk to her. Anyways... best of luck to you and your situation.

[Roy_4u]

Thanks Pbr and others

 

Now when I look back, I think the biggest mistake I made during our relationship was that I put her on a pedestal. I couldn't stop showering her with compliments. In fact she asked me many times if I find something wrong about her, or something I don't like and I just kept telling her that she was perfect. I think that's why she lost interest in me.

 

I don't know if I can make amends to that now. At least the no contact thing seemed to work a bit, because she did call 2 weeks ago. Not sure if I can or should do anything else at this point.

I want her to realize that just because i said she is perfect doesn't mean that I am not good enough for her or any less than her. I want her to feel that I am "prize" that could easily get away.

[Roy_4u]

DON'T make the next move. I'll explain why not.

 

Her reason for calling you could be one of a few things:

 

1. She wants you back.

2. She feels guilty about dumping you and wanted to assuage her guilt by satisfying herself that you're alright.

3. She was genuinely curious about how you're doing, as a friend.

 

Since the call lasted only five minutes, you don't have enough information to know which was her reason.

 

From your description, it sounds like you kept the conversation relatively light and friendly and not heavy or weepy. If so, that was the right approach.

 

If she does want you back, she'll be intrigued by the fact that your business is moving forward and by the fact that you sounded psyched about it. That's how you want her feeling. You want her to be second-guessing her decision to dump you, and thinking "wow, I'm surprised... I thought he'd still be devastated, sounds like he's got some good things happening in his life... why wasn't he more curious about me? Maybe I was too hasty."

 

Remember, attraction isn't a choice. You should conduct yourself in a way that makes you intriguing to her and thus reignites her attraction to you. Calling her and trying to convince her to give the two of you another chance won't help.

 

If she's having second thoughts, she'll contact you again. Guaranteed. And if she doesn't contact you again, you'll know she was just being friendly, and you'll have retained your self-respect and dignity and will be in no worse position than you are now.

 

Just my $0.02...

 

 

Hi All,

just wanted to post an update. I followed ReservoirDog's advice and have NOT called or reached out in any way to my ex gf since the day she called me. I am still sticking to NC.

 

I was hoping she would call me again but she hasn't.

 

It's been over 3 months since she broke up and over 2 months since she called to "just say hi". Maybe it was just a friendly call after all.

 

I am recovering but still not quite over her yet.

 

Her birthday is coming up next week. Just wondering if I should send her an email to wish her a happy birthday. That's all. I just wanna keep it short and simple.

 

What do you folks think?

[Gironbachs]

Good job with the no contact bro and I agree with Resevoirdog. Don't start second guessing it. You've read about NC and I can tell you get it. Don't start rationalizing about she won't contact again, she's a Scorpio. Continue with your program, you're doing well.

 

Wait, what does a woman being a Scorpio relate to no contact?

[Roy_4u]

Wait, what does a woman being a Scorpio relate to no contact?

 

well it's my opinion that Scorpios and other fixed signs rarely overturn their decisions. Nothing wrong with it - just the way they are (hence the term "fixed signs").

If you don't believe in it, don't sweat it much. There's a lot more to a person's personality that their astrological makeup ...so just take it with a grain of salt.

 

Please try to keep the conversation relevant. I would really like some expert opinions on whether i should call her to wish her a happy birthday.

 

Thanks in advance!