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how do you put it behind you?


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Posted

Hi all...

 

wasn't sure where to post this, thought this was the best place.

 

I just wanted to ask you all how you deal with the fall-out after the dust has settled. My own years long relatonship ended two years ago badly and ever since i have suffered on and off with depression. I have a counsellor I see and am on anti-depressants but some days (like today), the world just feels grey and empty for me. I moved countries to be with my ex and so really feel the lack of support sometimes. I am still in his country because our son s in school and he still needs to be close to his father and I have tried to keep our differences away from him.

 

I just realised...two years and I still let that man and his partner make me feel like crap! I can't help it, I did love him, and I have serious trust issues after it all...my sisters say i should date again, but really, I find it hard, especially having the majority care for my child. In truth, I guess I just don't know where to start.

 

How do you all deal with those dark days? I wish I was a happy person like others are, but I suffer from depression and the whole mess really knocked me back a good bit. I want to get over it all and be able to think about things dismissively, but I just can't seem to let it away and say, never mind....

 

If anyone has any pointers, I'd surely appreciate it.......

Posted

I think that depression is recessed anger, but I am not a trained expert. I do listen to my heart though and take stock of how I feel. And why. Any kind of betrayal will require a healing process. Sounds like you're stuck.

 

I think it's wise to realize that the disappointment will never go completely away. Things will pop up now and remind us again what happened and how those choices continue to effect our (and our children's) lives. But when we take on a spouse and partner -especially if we have kids with them- then we really open ourselves up. That's where the trust comes in. When or if that trust is betrayed, we're often left feeling as if we have no control over our own lives. If that be true, then yes! It's depressing! But it isn't.

 

The way out, ultimately is to forgive and move on; realizing the only person we can control is us. That is empowering and with that comes increased levels of confidence, hope, and finally, peace. We're wiser, and wisdom offers great comfort when life gets rocky.

 

Not everyone who looks happy is happy. Before we can come to grips with things we first have to want it. Make sure you do. Forgive and move on.

 

Take care-

Posted

It's like dealing with the loss of any relationship. You need to recognize that it's over...and accept that. Not easy, I know.

 

Accept that it's in the past...and start turning your head towards the future.

 

When you catch yourself dwelling on it...make a CONSCIOUS effort to "change the channel" in your mind, and start thinking of some of the positive things in your life today, or to come.

Posted

...One day at a damn time.

 

Do something which makes you happy, Find a hobby, a constructive hobby.

 

Then you build yourself up, do not relapse and think about the ex, bury that in your past.

Posted

Grieving is a process. You may have to go through each stage more than once or you will stage in one stage WWWAAAYYYY too long. I think what you have to understand is that you are human....and you need to see that when you feel the darkness. I suffer from depression, I have to be on medication, because the "little" things can take over and I implode. Maybe she a doctor and get an assessment of where you are and if meds are necessary. Let's pray they aren't necessary and all you need is some time.

Posted

maybe it is not the best advice but I compare.

I compare with myself

For example:

What d I have?

I have health, I have a family that loves me, I have a good job, I have great friends.

What do I have not?

Maybe I do not have a great R as I would like, but I am better as sad as I could be than while I was in a R that did not fulfilled my needs.

 

I know that when you are so depressed you can only see the darkest side but try.

I do not remember where I read that when you feel like that you should see you as the mother of a little girl and take care of her.

Try if you are able to to some activity you relly like.

Me for expample I lobve new restaurantes, much of the time I do not have the money to visit new glamoprous restaurants but maybe I can go to Mc Donald s and eat the delicious hamburger I have not tasted yet.

 

Keep posting you will always find here pople who cares.

 

((hugs))

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Posted

Thanks all for the replies....yes, I try to think and do what you all say, but sometimes it can be hard.

 

I guess it's the trust factor....you open yourself up to someone and bam! Somedays I feel like my hurt is a little hedeghog that just curled up and is scared to peep out at the world again.

 

But, I went out today, sun was shining, took my kid to his first martial arts class and felt happy again :-)

 

One day at a time and looking for all the positives like health, happy kid, still got a job(amen!).

 

I just feel lonely sometimes, but even that will pass, I know.

Posted

Hey porcupine

I see you're still struggling with your loss (you posted your story on my thread not too long ago in the Other Woman/Man forum).

 

I'm with you in that I'm still struggling with my emotions as well.

 

I'm so glad you felt happy again taking your kid to his class, and being thankful you still have a job. We forget while we are experiencing sh*t the little/important things in life that we should be thankful for, in your case, your child, your job, etc...

 

I wish I had words of encouragement for you, all I can say is chin up and continue doing what you are doing and you will be fine.

 

Thanks all for the replies....yes, I try to think and do what you all say, but sometimes it can be hard.

 

I guess it's the trust factor....you open yourself up to someone and bam! Somedays I feel like my hurt is a little hedeghog that just curled up and is scared to peep out at the world again.

 

But, I went out today, sun was shining, took my kid to his first martial arts class and felt happy again :-)

 

One day at a time and looking for all the positives like health, happy kid, still got a job(amen!).

 

I just feel lonely sometimes, but even that will pass, I know.

Posted

It hurts to be cheated on. I was cheated on many years ago and it stuck with me for a long time.

 

Time heals most wounds, but you need to be willing to trust again. Open yourself up to new people..find someone who interests you and give them a chance. You cant give new people a hard time. Give people a chance to prove themselves you know?

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